polyamorouspride

[polyamorouspride]

Updates

Little bit of an update. I've been transitioning into college, and so my mental health has been on the fritz. Second, I'm now technically a secondary partner to someone. And before you even ask, yes, their primary partner knows. I figured that I should make a post on secondary partners, so expect to see that soon.

[polyamorouspride]

So You’re Polyamorous and Dating - What do you tell your partners about your dates?

Start by asking each of your partners how much they want to know about other relationships of yours, and how much of their relationship they are comfortable sharing. Then base your responses off that. It’s as simple as that - although the simplicity will vary based on what your partners want. For example - You are dating A, B, and C. A wants to hear about literally a play-by-play, and is comfortable sharing that as well with A’s metamours. B wants a DADT about other partners, but is ok with you mentioning dates with B and a brief description of the dates. C wants to know as much as possible, but only wants to share that C exists and occasionally has dates with you. That means you tell A - “sorry, my other partners aren’t ok sharing that information, and I don’t want to breach their trust. I have B and C though, and dates on Saturday and Tuesday with them. I saw B last Friday- we went to a movie and then I spent the night.” You tell B “Oh man, I had such fun last Friday! I’m swamped this week, but looking forward to dinner on Saturday!” You tell C “A and I had a bit of an argument last week, but this week we’ve seen each other twice and the sex was AMAZING. I definitely want to go down on you this Tuesday, because I never get to go down on A and I miss it. I’d have probably spent Friday with A too, but B and I went to the movies”

[polyamorouspride]

The Polyamory Flag and Heart

The polyamory flag was designed in 1995 by Jim Evans. The flag goes blue, red, and black from the top to the bottom. The color blue represents open communication and honesty with partners. The red represents love. The black represents those who have to hid they're polyamorous relationships, and the polyamorous community.

On the flag is a golden Pi symbol. The gold represents the emotional attachments with our partner(s), while the symbol pi itself represents the endless amount of potential relationships at one time.

Another symbol you may see is a heart with an infinity sign over it. The most common coloring is a red heart with a blue infinity sign, reflecting the coloration of the flag.

Top: The polyamory heart

Bottom: The polyamory flag

[polyamorouspride]

Good Questions to Ask your Partners

When entering into a relationship, even a monogamous one, there's a lot of questions you should ask. It gets even more complicated when you are involved with more than one person, which is why communication is VERY important in a poly relationship. Each partner or partners will likely not follow the same general set of guidelines (or lack of), so it's important to discuss limits and preferences. It takes time and questioning, but it is definitely something you should do with a partner that you want to become sexually active with. Here's a few questions to get you started:

Have you been tested for STD's recently?

What are you comfortable with during sex? Is there something that you absolutely are not comfortable or hesitant about?

What is your preffered birth control?

How would you like to go about adding new partners into the relationship?

How many partners do you want in a relationship?

Are you interested in a family?

Are we going to be able to engage in sexual activity outside of the relstionship?

If so, what are the limits of said activity?

What happens if someone does something another partner does not like? How will that issue be addressed?

Are you comfortable with being openly polyamorous?

Keep in mind that these are just a few questions, and each partner may need more specific questions. Polyamory can work, but you can't force anything. If you feel like you're changing too much for the relationship, it might be best to pause, and re-evaluate, and if needed end the relationship.

[polyamorouspride]

History: 1900s

The counterculture movement of the 60s and 70s was a pivotal moment. There was a repeal of abortion laws, better access to birth control, and LGBTQ people began to expand gender roles and question the standard.

The previous community's in the 1800s had declined by the beginning of the 1900s, but later came back as communes. These communes were advocates for spiritual and personal development, emphasizing things like intimate relations or cooperation. Most had some unique take on sexuality, such as celibacy or free love.

Research on polyamory peaked in the 70s. Called "multilateral", it helped to open other people up to more experimentation. It also helped to begin removing the stigma around sex. Studies looked at things such as race, social class, education, and political perspectives. The average polyamorous person at this time was said to be white in the middle of upper class. The only real difference found between them and monogamous people was how religion influenced them.

The Kerista Commune was a well know polyfidelous commune. Located in San Francisco, they existed from 1971 to 1991. The largest it ever got was just under 30 members. They had family groups composed of 3 to 18 people. It was called B-FIC, Best Friend Identity Cluster, and used a rotational sleep schedule. They wrote the newspapers The Storefront Classroom, Rockhead, and The Node, as well as books. They also had free rap groups for a large portion of their history.

In 1984, a newsletter called "Loving More" began using the terms polyfidelity, open relationships, and intimate networks. They later published "Polyfidelity Primer".

The word polyamory was coined by Morning Glory Zell, who's spouse was Oberon Ravenheart.

In 1997, the book "The Ethical Slut" was written by Dossie Eaton and Catherine Liszt.

[polyamorouspride]

Compersion

Compersion: the feeling of joy one experiences when another experiences joy.

Most people have experienced compersion before, whether it's with their child's first steps or words, being happy for a family member's achievement, or simply being in a good mood because your friends are. Humans are sociable creatures, and other people's moods can affect our own.

Compersion is a reason as to why polyamory works, and why someone might be poly in the first place. We find joy in our partners' joy and enjoy seeing them as so. If my partner is excited and happy to get another date,when feeling compersion I would therefore be happy as well, since my partner is happy. It was first coined by The Keristan Commune.

It is often falsely presumed to be the opposite of jealousy. You can experience both compersion and jealousy at the same time. It is not exclusive to polyamory though, and any monogamous relationships can benefit from compersion.

[polyamorouspride]

Types of Polyamory

Non-monagamy: an umbrella term for those who do not have one partner

Polyamory: people who have more than on partner in a consensual relationship

Cheating: adultery; one or more members of the relationship does not consent to multiple partners

Polygamy: the marriage of more than two people

Polgyny: one husband with multiple wives; a form of polygamy

Polyandry: one wife with multiple husbands; a form of polygamy

Fraternal polyandry: a specific type of polyandry sometimes found around Tibet and Nepal; a women is married to a set of brothers

Open relationship: when two partners consent to having other sexual partners; swinging, monogamish, Polyamourous, and polyfidelitous relationships can be considered open relationships

Swinging: committed couples who consentually exchange sexual partners for sexual purposes; generally more open to lesbian relations than gay relations; largely heterosexual; can be closes or open

Monogamish: generally monogamous, with varying degrees of consented sexual contact

Polyamory: open, consensual relationships with more than 2 people

Polyfidelity: closed, consensual relationships with more than 2 people; fidelity

Polyaffective: emotionally intimate, nonsexual relations in a Polyamourous relationship

Endogamy: individuals can only marry others of a particular group, suchnas religion

Relationship anarchy: no exact definition; generally critical of a society that has a standard of romantic, sex based relationships over nonromantic/sexual ones; tend to reject any form of rules in the relationship

[polyamorouspride]

History: The 1800s

Around the world, polyamory had various responses among different cultures, though in Western Europe and the United States, polyamory wasn’t common.

The term had not yet been coined, yet there were a handful of groups who had a multiple partner relationship. Itnwas largely inspired by the transcendentalist movement. The transcendentalist movement resulted in the formation of utopian style communities, a few of which had polyamory style marriage systems. The Oneida Community is a well known example.

The Oneida Community, founded by Noyes, rejected the idea of monogamy. Everyone was seen as husband and wife to each other. Childbearing decisions were determined by a council, and most mothers only cared for their child their first few years of life. Older children were raised by the entire community. Women actually were fairly equal to men in this community as well. Thanks to this, women were not seen as the property of men as some other communities believed.

In 1831, The Church of the Latter Day Saints was created by Joseph Smith. The Church sanctioned polgyny, a form of polygamy common in African countries. This was kept a secret though until the 1850s. The Church later denounced this practice so that Utah could become a state in the 1890s.

Modern Times was an anarchist community created in 1851. This is another example of a “free love” style utopian community, in which polyamory was okay. It’s generally agreed that the group dissolved due to the civil war.

Nashoba is another free love community during the 1800s. It was made in 1862 by Frances Wright, who was a Scottish immigrant. She believed in racial equality and believed that the best source of happiness was sexual relations.

[polyamorouspride]

Don't ask, don't tell

In a polyamorous context, Don't ask don't tell is a relationship in which a partner is allowed to have additional sexual or romantic relationships on the side as long as their partner does not know anything of these relationships.

Also called DADT, this is mostly frowned on within the polyamorous community due to the large dangers in that kind of relationship. An example is that the person who claims to be in that kind of relationship could simply just be cheating. Many people choose DADT relations to avoid emotional problems such as jealousy as well.

Humans are often assumptive in mature, and while we may temporarily convince ourselves we won't ask, we will attempt to fill that blank with hypothetical situations. We will convince ourselves not to tell, because we assume our partner is okay with something they're not.

You should generally be able to ask these questions and know the answers:

When do you think you'll be back?

How will you keep safe?

Under what circumstances can I interrupt you?

What are our agreements on sharing body fluids?

Do you need me to assist with transportation?

After time apart, how can we reconnect?

[polyamorouspride]

Important Vocabulary pt 1

There’s a few key words you need to understand when learning about polyamory. Here’s a list, explained:

Monogamy- the ethical practice of having one partner (2)

Polyamory- the ethical practice of having multiple partners (3 or more)

Open relationship/marriage- a relationship in which all members consent to having relationships outside the relationship; can apply to both monogamy and polyamory

Closed relationship/marriage- a relationship in which all members agree to not have relationships outside of the current one; can apply to both monogamy and polyamory

Poly- an abbreviation for polyamory or polyamorous; not to be confused with polysexual

Primary- the person given the most time and energy in a relationship; it is the closest relationship type

Polyfidelity- a closed group of 3 or more people who are primary to all other partners

Courting- When an individual or individuals seek out a new person to begin a relationship with

Jealousy- negative thoughts dealing with the insecurity/fear over the anticipated loss of a partner

[polyamorouspride]

Polyamory as a "cure" for relationships

Polyamory is not a cure for relationship troubles. Period. Granted, sometimes it will work, but very very rarely. There's a different mindset between a cheater and a polyamorist. A person who can't be trusted to respect one person shouldn't be trusted to respect more than one person. People who cheat have different motivations than that of a polyamorist.

Other relationship troubles can't be fixed by adding another person either. It often creates even more jealousy and tension, until eventually the relationship collapses. It won't "spice up" your bedroom life either. First, not all polyamorists enjoy sex. Second, polyamory is a relationships style not a sexual practice.

It is possible for a person who cheated to convert to ethical polyamory. Some may have an inclination to cheat because they are unaware of other options, and once they realize it's an option, adopt an ethical polyamorist relationship.

Now, repeat after me: Polyamory is not a cure-all magic potion for everything.

[polyamorouspride]

Signs of Polyamory

Like any other way you can identify, there's no one specific sign or list of signs that guarantee you're polyamory. A lot of it is subjective, and is only meant to help guide you and not make definitive requirements. There is no one right way to be polyamory. That being said, let's begin!

Do you feel like you can love more than one person at a time, or that love could be spread out among many people?

Do you believe no one person could meet all of your physical and emotional needs?

Do you have feelings for multiple people at the same time?

Do you feel trapped in a monogamous relationship?

What's you're motivation for perhaps wanting a polyamorist relationship? Is it to find something that works for you, or are you seeking to just fix a relationship?

You love learning new things about a person, and in turn helps you learn more things about yourself.

Communication and honesty are important to you in a relationship.

You would be okay seeing your partner with someone else.

You tend to break societies "rules", or don't quote see yourself fitting into a traditional idea of a marriage.

As I stated before, these signs may or may not apply to you. Polyamory is a spectrum of varying degrees, and there's no one right way. Resources on polyamory are slim, though if you want to know more a book called "The Ethical Slut" is a great place to start with the basics. Online, make sure you fact check things, and if you ever have a question feel free to ask!

[polyamorouspride]

The next time someone tries to argue with you about “disrespecting the flag/troops by kneeling” show them this.

[polyamorouspride]

i attacked S.E Hinton and it was a heterophobic hate crime

[polyamorouspride]

5 Myths About Polyamory

1.You just really like sex/You're a person who likes to sleep around

If only I had a dollar anytime someone said this or anything suggesting I'm sexually promiscuous. First off, whether another person is having sex or not is not your concern; it is THEIR body to do as THEY please. Second, how do you even know if they like sex? There are polyamorists along the asexual spectrum (including myself), some could be celibate, some have mental illnesses or disabilities that inhibit them having sex, and some just aren't in it for the sex. And it's completely okay to have sex if that's what you like. Just make sure you're being safe.

2. It's impossible to love more than one person

At one point in our lives, we had believed it impossible to set foot on the moon. But lo and behold, July of 1969 we proved that wrong. Sure, you can put all your love in one person. But sometimes one person doesn't just quite meet everything you want. We enjoy having more than 1 partner for numerous reasons, and it's not because our partners are inadequate or not enough for us.

3. Eventually we will find The One(tm)

I don't personally believe there is ever just 1 thing that is right. There is no "one" wedding dress, no "one" house, no "one" perfect person for me. While identities have the ability to shift, you are asuming that they, if at all, will shift to monogamy. Polyamorists who do move to monogamy habe their own personal reasons for doing so. Telling us we will find "the one" is like telling an atheist he will eventually believe in god.

4. We don't get jealous

We get jealous, just like any other relationship. Jealousy is the reason why we stress honesty and communication. If you aren't okay with something, tell your partner. The idea that jealousy is normal in a relationship is not okay either. Jealousy is a sign that the relationship isn't going quite right, and it needs to be brought up.

5. We let our partners do things

We do not "let" our partners do things. They aren't children. We AGREE to let our partners do those things. Agree as in a mutual decision. As in communication. This may require compromise, and extensive discussions and thinking. "Let" implies that there is one person controlling the relationship, which shouldn't be the case in either monogamy or polyamory. Decisions should be based on mutual terms.

[polyamorouspride]

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple partners at once. Each group of partners determines the limits, and no one group is like another.

Consent and Communication are two major ideas stressed within polyamory. It's important that everyone in the relationship is aware, agrees with, and supports the relationship.

But isn't that the same thing as Polygamy?

Not exactly. Yes, they have the same basic ideas of multiple partners, but that's pretty much where the similarities stop. Polygamy is more religious based, and is usually one male and his wives. Consent and Communication is not stressed in polygamy.