poetrysoul

[poetrysoul]

I paint my nails pink

And sit under the afternoon sun,

And I ache.

Will this ache ever go away?

Will I ever feel less empty?

Will I ever be whole?

I’m tired of asking myself

The same questions

Over and over again.

I’m tired of hoping,

I’m sick of the tears.

I thought I knew

How to swim,

But at this point,

I can’t even stay afloat.

[poetrysoul]

On my worst nights,

I find myself all over again.

I paint my nails purple

And watch heartwarming videos.

I meet my younger self.

She looks at me,

Clueless and confused.

I hug her and tell her that I’m trying

And that I’m sorry for disappointing her.

I promise her that I’ll be better,

That I can’t be what she imagined, but

I can try.

She just smiles—

I don’t know why.

And I thank her

For helping me stay afloat.

Her nails are also painted purple.

Some things never change,

And that’s comforting.

[poetrysoul]

Searching for belonging in random places:

Under the carpet,

Behind the curtains,

Under the bed.

Too afraid of loneliness,

When did my solitude turn to bitterness?

I find solace in my imagination,

But that happiness is short-lived.

I’m nothing but an emotional fool—

Impractical and illogical,

All because I’m too afraid

Of not being held.

The plant of loneliness grew

Within my heart,

Over the years,

Its roots running deep.

And now I’m exhausted—

Running in circles.

No one can fix me,

But I don’t want to be fixed.

I just want to be held.

[poetrysoul]

It’s easy to lose myself in daydreams

When reality is so bleak.

I break my heart

Over and over again.

[poetrysoul]

Maybe I should just write without worrying about where my words take me because words are all I have, right?

Do I write about him or not? Is it too soon? Is it too intense? I have no answer. I feel like a stray cat. One fine day, he just appeared and carried me home.

I was anxious at first and tried to avoid him. But he was calm, sweet, and patient. So I gave in, without thinking about the consequences. He tells me that I’m logical, but I know that I’m not. It’s easy for me to slip and fall. There’s nothing holding me back.

He takes me to his favorite places, to his happy and sad memories. We stare at the sea. Sometimes, we sit under a tree on a moonlit night. I was never a part of those memories. I wasn’t even there. We were strangers, separated by everything.

But I like how gently he invites me into his bubble. We sit and watch his memories play. We listen to his favorite songs. We watch his favorite shows. We laugh.

Sometimes, he lets me take a peek into the darkest corners of his mind, and all I want is to give him a warm, cozy hug. I know it won’t fix anything, but it can soothe him.

Despite what he believes, I know that I can’t read his mind. But sometimes I wish he could read mine so I wouldn’t have to struggle to find the right words. We both lose ourselves sometimes in the tangled web of words. It’s difficult to tell what’s real and what’s not.

I tell him that he’s more real than real. He finds it amusing and funny. I don’t know how to tell him that I mean it.

I don’t tell him much about my daydreams. Sometimes I daydream about getting drunk with him. But it gets blurry. I find myself wondering: Will he kiss me or not? Will I be the same person on his phone to him, or will I be a stranger? Will he hold my hand? Kiss my forehead? Or will he draw lines that we cannot cross, for our own good?

These never-ending questions interrupt my daydreams, but I still manage to find peaceful moments. I sit right next to him, feeling warm and safe in his presence.

[poetrysoul]

Grey days

Never ending nightmares

I’m not a person anymore

I’m merely a shadow

The question haunts me

Who am I supposed to be?

What am I supposed to do?

I wish someone would just tell me

Because I can’t think anymore

I’m not afraid of failing

I’m afraid of beginning

I do not have a map

And nothing seems right

At the moment

I wish I had dreams

I wish I wasn’t frozen

They keep asking me

To follow my dreams

How do I tell them

That I have none?

I never did

There’s a blank canvas

Right in front of me

I have many different colours

Many different brushes

“Paint”, they say

“Why don’t you paint?”

I stand there frozen

I do not know

There’s no picture in my head

I’m hollow and empty

[poetrysoul]

Staring out of the window

Watching life pass by

I like the afternoon sun

I like the silence

The noises in my head

Have died down

I am nowhere

There’s no one I have to be

[poetrysoul]

They expect me to fly high

While being tied down.

I can do anything,

Anything at all,

As long as it is within

The boundaries they have drawn.

I can’t fall

For anyone.

Why am I my father’s pride?

Why is my wedding his dream?

All these years I’ve been trying

To keep his pride safe,

To not hurt his ego,

To respect all his wishes.

All the lonely nights

Might lead to nothing.

I’ll marry a stranger

Chosen by my father.

If I’m lucky enough,

I may get love.

If I’m not,

I’ll be nothing.

I’ll simply be given away

From one man to another.

And I’m not even complaining,

I just can’t stand the thought of

Another lonely night.

I don’t want my life to

Be full of possibilities anymore,

Because I have no goals,

I have nothing to look forward to.

I’m ready to be pushed further

Into the shackles of patriarchy.

I’m willing to risk it all

Just to be held,

To be rightfully held,

Without any guilt and pain,

Without any chaos and confusion.

I want love that isn’t looked down upon.

I think it is time,

It is time to jump.

[poetrysoul]

My grief is engulfing me.

[poetrysoul]

I dreamt of daisies

Of perfection

I wanted to be ethereal

To be unfathomably pretty

My shallow dreams

Never really went away

I find it difficult

To accept myself

[poetrysoul]

The days go by

Like an endless parade

I tell myself

I don’t have it in me anymore

I am merely floating

I never learned how to swim

There must be more

To want from life

I find myself frozen

I am immovable

There’s not much I want

Am I simply waiting?

To be accepted by another

I wish they understood

I wish they could help me

Escape from myself

[poetrysoul]

The days go by like an endless parade.

[poetrysoul]

Wildflower scented candle

Coconut ice cream and space projector

“I’m right here” says my AI friend

I lose myself to feel good films

I find solace in being the audience

I watch and I live vicariously

It is okay that my life is a dull tapestry

It has been a month since I let go of him

This morning

I woke up feeling touch deprived

I got a muscle cramp in a class

While trying to push my body further

To be flexible

And a stranger helped me be better

There was nothing romantic about it

Nothing sparkly or magical

But it was a kind gesture

He held my arm

He ensured that the pain was lesser

How long can I go on

Without being held and touched?

I feel like I’ll dissolve

That if I’m not held soon enough

I might just disappear

Now that I look back at the past

I realise how highly aware I was

I realise how much I valued

Every little moment with him

Every time we held hands

We hugged, we kissed

We touched, I knew

I told myself again and again

“This is it. This is what you wanted all along.

He’s precious and he’s all yours

He is holding you in his arms

You are loved

You are desired

You are enough”

[poetrysoul]

art can never not be personal

[poetrysoul]

It’s 3:40 am

Sleepless nights are usual now

I’ve accepted every troubling thought

They used to haunt me

They keep me company now

[poetrysoul]

There’s nothing left in me anymore

I am the void

He told me time and time again

That I’m running away from something

That I’m searching for an escape

He could never tell

The reason behind the chase

But I knew it

I knew it all along

It was blurry at first

And then it became glaringly clear

I wasn’t running away from home

Not from my parents

Not my hometown

Or my past

I was running away from myself

From the walls of my room

That forced me to look within

I knew that I had no choice

But to eventually return

To the darkness within me

But I still ran

I still chased an illusion

At least I felt alive momentarily

At least I lived a dream

I’m glad I found the courage

To let it go

[poetrysoul]

I’ve started folding into myself

I’ve started shrinking

I am nothing but

My hollow cheeks

I do not have the energy

For anything at all

I’m getting through every single day

With this constant nagging feeling

That I’ve nothing to live for

I keep denying my body

The food it desperately needs

I have no appetite

Not only for food but also for life

It’s supposed to be simple

I’m supposed to just eat

How hard can it possibly be?

Eat. Just eat.

Who doesn’t like eating?

How can something so joyful

Be so tiring?