pipers-hell

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I keep day dreaming about a guy I was in a relationship with; like deep day dreaming and I don’t catch my self doing it until it feels so real, it’s silly because I know neither of us want each other really but isn’t it like a typical love story to run back to someone from the past? We’re also still friends and it’s only just started to feel normal again so I don’t think these day dreams are good, the day dreams make me feel soft and fuzzy though sk it’s to have a fuzzy feeling for once

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Wet Terzo be upon ye

Commission for @ghostchems

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I had an abortion the 23rd of December. Or maybe the 24th I don’t remember. Point is the dad was in a relationship and I didn’t wanna raise a kid but. It would’ve been born around now which is crazy to me, I feel sick that I fantasies about a child that doesn’t exist. How my life could be different hkw his would be ruined, by either helping with the child or becoming his father by abandoning. It’s sick and twisted and we don’t talk much anymore, he’s living his life and I’m frozen though I’ve been frozen for like 4 years it’s beyond a joke, all I do is work and sleep, and cry. And now I hate this month and Christmas and the day after my birthday. It’s weird I can’t tell him how I feel anymore because idk how I feel.

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I had a dream my ex befriended my abuser because his new girlfriend was friends with the abuser. And I got mad at him, and he asked me “do you expect me to choose between you and my girlfriend” and I got so mad I was like “no I expect you to choose me over my r//ist. Anyway they then posted a photo together later that day with the caption saying “we have one thing in common #regret” and I killed my self.

Anyway it’s the exes birthday today we’re still kinda friends. Idk if I should wish him happy birthday or just ignore him. He probably won’t wish my happy birthday next year haha.

I remember telling him I can’t be friends if the replies are gonna be so distant I have enough friends I only see and hear from every few months I don’t need another one. So we cut ties until he wanted to be friends again. And now he’s a friend I hear from every few months because he likes it that way.

I kinda wish the last part of my dream was real

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Wow

I’m so sleepy

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I think. I’m really tired of always being there for people but the second I need someone they aren’t. Literally everybody I get my problems aren’t problems really and somekne is dying or your girlfriend sucks for like 2 hours. But man I want to be able to talk and cry about

My problems. Is that really so hard??????? Probably lmao.

I’ve also met this girl. Not in person but she’s really nice to talk to but I don’t want her to disappear because I have problems too so I am truely alone and I’m angry. So angry because I could talk to her and it’ll be great or I’ll ruin things. So I suffer in silence and ruin things instead.

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I want to feel soft again. Like I don’t need to be this tough person always aware and on edge prepared for the worst. I wanna go hang with people where I can relax and be small. But not scared small but small like I’m safe.

I don’t trust people anymore anything I tell people I just expect it to get passed around. I have a lot of things I wanna say but can’t because I’m not prepared for people to know. I’m so tired

I want to be soft

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I feel incredibly sad and I don’t know how to cope lmao

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Sometimes I wish I wasn’t reminded of peoples existence. It makes me feel sick and I wanna cry because of it. And idk who to go to because I wanna go to the people I’m reminded off

The girl im talking to…. Is still talking to me which is super cool, my room mates hamster died today and I’m awkward around death idk how to act.

Anyway I feel weird messaging my friend. His girlfriend doesn’t like me and our past had been shaky at best? Like we’re friends but it feels awkward sometimes like there’s tension.

My body is also punishing me for not making a baby. So maybe that’s why I’m wanting to throw up really

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I’ve started talking to this girl and she’s so cool and funny and hddhdhd my heart Wowowo

I haven’t spoken to my favourite person in like nearly a week, and I feel fine I wanna tell him about this girl though so I should message him soon. It’s weird having a favourite person that isn’t someone your romantically interested in. Makes it hard to work out what you actually feel and what’s your brain being funky not that those feelings are invalid but yeah. I’m rwallly sleepy but I’m getting a outfit for barbie with my sisters so I must be alert !!

I will go crazy if it doesn’t work out

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I’m so tired and nervous and sick and I wanna vomit

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I wanna throw up I’m dying

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Sometimes I wonder if I actually enjoy people. I think I like the attention I get from people or maybe I’m just saying this so it hurts less when they leave. Anyway I dyed my hair red and my bird likes it :) I’m really tired waiting for the Wi-Fi man.

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This last week has been very weird, and I’ve noticed I have a habit of staying friends with people I date or have been in a relationship with. I think it’s because my brain is like “apart of them must still love me if they’re replying to me” when probably they just think I’m cool. Or desperate.

My room mates rabbit chewed through the Wi-Fi so now I’m having to use my data. Very lame :/! I think I’m scared of being alone but I’m so really tired of trying to talk to people.

I might also just be tired from my pet bird constantly waking me up she’s called sally and she’s great :)

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Got inspired by my friend and I wanna do the same thing