petchfarkheadlines

[petchfarkheadlines]

Taylor Swift Accidentally Delivers Biden Coronation Speech at Grammys

“I have personally selected King Joe to lead this great nation as a kind and just ruler,” the pop singer proclaimed.

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Joni Mitchell Launches Joni Jams and Jellies

Citing unfair payouts to smaller jam producers, the iconic singer-songwriter announced that her new line of products will not be distributed in major grocery stores.

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LCD Soundsystem Reunion Now Longer than Original Run

In another lucrative act of defiance against the concept of band breakups, the influential group announced their global “Nine Years Together (Again)” Tour.

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Justin Timberlake Selected for Cover of JeeKew “Handsome Assholes” Issue

Following the release of Britney Spears’ memoir last October, which revealed even more horrible things Timberlake has done, “the choice was clear,” said JeeKew’s editorial board in a statement.

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Morrissey Announced As Trump VP

“You know, I love music, just love it,” the former president said at a campaign stop in South Carolina. “I play his music at my rallies - some of the bigliest, you know, and his band mate, this Johnny Marr. Johnny Marr, can you believe it? This guy - who, by the way, no one’s ever heard of. He comes and says I can’t play his music anymore. Well I go to Morbusey [sic] and he says “hello sir” - I already know I like this guy - he says he likes me and we get to talking. And he doesn’t like what they’re doing at the border. The criminals and the drugs, coming into your homes, they’re coming for you. You know, these criminals, very bad guys. Bad guys.” Trump continued for about 30 more minutes, shit his pants, and walked off stage.

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Watch Voog EIC Anya Winter Listen to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (VIDEO)

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Artist That Has Already Released Two Albums Announces Debut Album

Active since 2015, the prolific singer has also released 3 EPs, a documentary about their life, and an interactive XR experience.

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Jeff Tweedy, Pavement Among Artists Announced for Petchfark Swimsuit Edition

“I’m thrilled to work with Petchfark and JeeKew to pick up the torch of this beloved media tradition,” Beck’s press agent said in a statement on his behalf.

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RCA Signs Alex G for Upcoming Music Season

Insiders say this trade will be key to the label’s performance in the playoffs.

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Ice Spice Actually Vanilla Ice, Spice Girls Chimera

“I guess the name was kind of a giveaway,” Dr. Moreau told authorities.

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8 Albums Out This Week We Forgot to Review

Check out these albums that fell behind the couch in the Petchfark break room.

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Petchfark Merges With JeeKew, Millennials Officially Old

“This merger will continue our commitment to marketing to this valuable demographic, even as they continue the inexorable march against time,” said Condy Nass CEO in a statement.

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Petchfark Acquired By Condy Nass, Good Taste Successfully Optimized For Millennial Market

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Aphex Twin Announces New Album Via Totally Edgy and Original Method

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Radiohead's Thom Yorke Holds Surprise Macrame Class At London Community Center

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Watch Mac DeMarco Receive Fellatio From Entire Pitchfork Editorial Board (Video)

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Jack White To Release First-Ever Record Made From Jello