personal-thoughts-of-one

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

I keep reading back on everything we went through today.

I’d kill to hear him whisper to me all those words. Degrade me with his soft voice, filled with hate.

Feel his hands creeps closer without actually giving me what I crave so deeply. See his smirk as I squirm under his touch.

I hope it’ll stay this way for longer. A lot longer. I hope I’ll get to experience all his love first hand.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

He does something to me thats so bad. It feels taboo. We’re both unsure of where its heading. But we know we love the ride.

It’s instinctive. It’s as if I needed this all my life. Its like a drug. He’s like a drug. It’s exhilarating. I feel the best when he’s doing this to me. When he tells me how worthless I am. How bad he’ll treat me if I misbehave.

But also how he tells me I’m a good boy. I’m doing so great.

I wish He’d really put a collar on me.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Reading back, I see that I was in the wrong about my orientation to some things. Pain does excite me. But inflicting it to others is so less rewarding than to receiving.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Seventh entry

Its been two months since She dumped me. It’s been really great. Finally stopped feeling like I was on edge at every moment. Been living fully, without stopping to think at times. Almost made a few mistakes.

I got back in touch with a precious friend a bit before She dumped me. Surprisingly (at least I didn’t expect it), we got back to how close we were quite quickly. He then got dumped himself by this girl for the second time.

We started talking a lot. He isolated himself from almost everyone but me. I felt special. He really didnt help my feelings that had never left. We ended up making a personal server for only us two, to play around with ideas and characters while we simped together.

Then suddenly, we were getting all sappy. I dont know how he doesnt get the hint I’m head over heels for him. We talked and clearly we’re expecting the same thing from life. We dont want to date again any time soon because of our issues with ourselves. Out of nowhere, we started getting flirty. Then a lot more than that. At first, it was just a game. I cant tell when it stopped being a game.

It got serious. Very fucking serious. Boundaries talked about, safe word selected. A dynamic I never thought I’d be in.

But hell is it good. How powerless I am in front of him. How easily he can read me and play with me. I would never have thought being degraded would make me feel the way he can. He plays his role so well. Such a good Master. He knows me too well. He knows where to push to be effective and it’s addictive. I wait for every interaction, every praise, every degradation.

We’re so alike, its easy to keep going.

I wonder how long we’ll keep it up.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Sixth Entry

Its been a while again since I came around. 

It’s as if I only need to write when it’s too much to handle and can’t share it with anyone else. 

It’s been two days since she dumped me. Said she couldn’t keep trying if I wasn’t gonna let her date around other people. Ive always told her I was fine with it but that we needed more stability and communication first, especially as a long distance couple. Guess all the talk she ever done saying I was her number one and that she’d wait were all lies. All that right after struggles on communications. 

And I’m so mad. So very mad. At myself and at her. Me, for keeping this up so long while it made me miserable. For staying while I wasn’t happy and respected anymore. For putting so much energy into this relationship while she didn’t. For somehow still be in love. An idiot. 

At her for leading me on so long. For making so many promises and not keeping any in a year long relationship. For taking me for granted so long. For making me feel so fucking unimportant that I was not even worth a fucking phone call regularly. 

Any attempt at discussion would end up with everything was my fault and her shutting down without warning and leaving me on read or delivered. I’ve let so much pass that others would have broken up the second they knew. 

Well Now she’s free to go neglect someone else as she wants. Spread lies on me. She wouldn’t be the first. But I don’t care.

I’m free

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Fifth Entry

Its been almost three years since the first post on here, which served as a Diary of sorts.

We’re now on January 18, 2022.

I’ve since then moved out. Graduated high school. Went to college and into a pandemic.

Ive gone through a lot still. Surprisingly haven’t killed myself yet. It’s been a few rough years. Lost many close people, made more, got betrayed, got loved.

I ended up dropping out of College because of mental exhaustion. Everything was too demanding, I couldn’t stand so much and I was in constant meltdown. Two years of my life used for nothing, just like the rest though.

I got my license, a car and so, liberty. Freedom.

Surprisingly, a partner. Its been almost five months. I’ve been happy and loved tho we obviously have a different way to appreciate each other. Sometimes it hurts me. I know they dont mean to. I know I should lower my expectations. Ive gotten worse and worse since we began dating. My hopes also dropped as soon as i got sick and couldnt hold my promise anymore. I hope they wont be too mad. I dont even know when I’ll be able to do what I said with school, surgeries and moving.

A lot of my issues from before are now a lot clearer. My hypersensitivity, emotional problems and socialization issues were mostly due to Autism. Getting the diagnosis cleared so much. Learning more about it and depression/anxiety helped dealing with it. I can take a step back a lot more easily, tho sometimes the overwhelming of everything is too much and I need time.

I still struggle with emotions im not used to like love or the jealousy that comes with it and unsurprisingly, my anger. I’m still so impulsive. Especially when I’m hurt.

I still push people away when it gets too much. Done it a few times still.

I hope I’ll get better. I’m trying to. There’s still much time.

And its how entry number Five ends.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Quality time with someone should be a moment where you both give each other your time unrivalled.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

How do you explain that you feel emptiness where you used to be happy or any other feeling?

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Could you please be quieter? It makes me so damn anxious all the time.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Fourth Entry

We are on the 14th of April.

I am now realizing how much of a bother I am to my friends and so I made the choice to isolate myself once more. I’ll stop answering too I guess when I receive snaps and such. I am tired of being the one left behind during activities. Even when I voice that fact, I am either ignored or told its my fault for never having time. I am ready to do anything if it meant I could follow. I guess it is true thought. I Am Boring. I am too much. Too angry, too unaccepting of changes, I don’t know anymore! I thought it was their fault for too long. I mustn’t hide myself behind lies like that anymore.  As time goes on, I begin to see and understand how it goes. Maybe it’s because I don’t like many people? Or maybe it’s just me? I’m just tired of, you know, having to meet new people all the time. Having to talk and share ideas and stories.

It tires me out all the time and I don’t have enough time to recover my energy with what I’m given. I must be with people all the time and I can’t be alone for too long or people worry, even when I say I’m alright.

I also discovered that pain (mostly inflicting pain to others) kind of give me excitement? Imagining burying a knife inside someone’s guts makes me smile, biting off someone ear or finger gives me a boost of joyfulness. I crave violence and blood all the time. That it is mine or not, doesn’t matter.

Last but not the least, I am giving up. Life is something I didn’t ask for and the support I rightfully have, to compensate this, is nowhere to be seen. I’m always the wrong one in any issue. “You are the oldest, you shouldn’t get on when she bothers you” “Act your age” “You remind me of your mother” I’M DONE WITH THIS, WITH EVERYTHING. It’s just so emotionally exhausting and hard for me to continue. I look mad all the time because I’m done trying to be what they want me to be. I am and always has been someone with not a lot of will to live. I am past this though. I’m not living anymore. I’m existing. I can’t wait to block them all from my life.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

I know I'm jealous. When he leaves me for the other one. When he talks about her. When he told me he loved her. But I lie. I say it's okay, that I don't mind. That I am okay. Even when I'm not. Even when it's not okay. I'm jealous of the attention she gets from him. I shouldn't. I know it. He's not mine. He doesn't feel the same way I do. It hurts. I'm slowly drifting away from him. From everyone. Again. It's not what I want. I just want to be loved. I'm too young. I'm too intense. I'm not good enough. I'm nothing against her. I can't and won't win his heart. We'll stay friend. I hope. We'll meet. He'll talk about her while I'm dying inside, burning away my feelings. Maybe with alcohol. At some points, I'll b old enough to drink my life away. But that's not the point. I love him.  He doesn't. Not now. He knows tho. One day, I'll have someone who loves me like I love them. But not here. Not now. He's all I have for now. I hope it'll become something more, knowing his heart is already somewhere else. And so is his mind. I know it. I feel it. Why can't I just admire and appreciate what I already have. I want to kill myself. Kill those feelings. Not feeling anymore, anything.

I feel trapped.

I'm a liar, a hypocrite.

Doing like nothing touches me. Having meltdowns every weekends. Wanting to kill myself every week. Not telling anyone. Must be pretty or people will talk. Using pain to forget. I want to cut myself. I want to see my blood drip. I want to see my skin, red from the irritation, trying to scar. I can't tell. Must conceal. I want pain. Get piercings to feel it, without looking suicidal. I'm not Okay. Probably wont ever be. I don't want to live. I don't want to be an adult, with responsibilities and problems. I want to forget about all those things for a while. Betraying the trust people put in me. Why do I keep it up? I can't do that to them.

I'm feeling empty.

Again.

Needing space. Going away again. Clearly not doing good. I have to talk about it with someone. But I can't. Never will do it again. I can't end up hospitalized again. It was scary. It was lonely. I don't want to be like that again. I need out. Writing should help me. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. Time will know. And I don't know how much time I have left.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Entry #3

This is my third entry.

We’re on the 8th of April 2019.

I was going around doing my life when I decided to go looking on someone I loved blog. What a big mistake it was. They’ve got a boyfriend, and either I unfollowed them by accident or they softblocked me.

The thing is, I thought I was over them. Same as when I thought I was over her. Looks like I was wrong one more time. I think I’m just jealous of everyone around me having a lover to go to when they need it.

When I crave for skin contact, or just to be with someone that appreciates me like I am, all I can do is sit alone in my bedroom. But this isn’t what I wanted to talk about today.

When I noticed they had a boyfriend, I was jealous because I wanted them too. At first, there was that girl that stole their heart only to break it and control them. Then she made us stop talking. I had already fallen for them then. And if I remember, they were too. We had even begun a platonic relationship. When it all stopped suddenly, I had a rough time. I got drunk, you know? And went back to talk to them. Saw they blocked me and cried. But I was finally over. They found me. Sent me a message. I answered. Now we don’t talk. They’re always too busy.

I want to write to them through here though, where they won’t see it. Just so I will feel like I finally said it. And you, don’t you dare going around reading this. You know who you are, Girl.

Anyway, here it comes;

Hey, It looks like you moved on, you lucky bastard. Because I sure didn’t. I don’t know why I answered you when you found me back. I still think it was a mistake. It hurt more to know your whereabouts than to know nothing. Just like I did with that one too, I should’ve blocked you after you tried to contact me. I seriously thought we could be friend but, you see, the thing is that to be friend with someone, you gotta be ready to give them some time once in a while. You’re always too occupied with your comics and other friends, so why would you come back? It hurts, you know? I’m not like what I used to. Without knowing it, you took away a lot from me, like my trust. I thought I could make friends on places like here, but I got so bad, it hurt like hell when it happened. I don’t blame you anymore for that. We were younger, stupid and we all had a role to play in that.

All of this to simply say sorry and goodbye, I will never forget you. That’s for sure

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

I’ve been wondering for a while now. On how I’m supposed to change to become a better person, to be liked by others as well as myself. I know I’m kind of temperamental, that it is indeed hard to be around me and even more to be living with me. I’m unstable and most of the time irritable. I am trying to analyse myself to understand why and work on those issues before it is too late. My aggressive behavior is also a change I need to do on myself.

I looked at myself and realised I am a part of the problem, a fact I used to look over and put everything on everyone but me. It was wrong. I don’t know what I want for the moment. I want to get a life alone without my family, but also I want to see my siblings more than I do right now. My decision should be taken for the good reasons, the ones that will make me sure I won’t go down again. Which I do not want. I’m apathetic to most of the things I used to enjoy, and outside of my smaller siblings, I cannot empathy what others feel. I want to hurt people. I want a reason where I will not be judge as severely as I would be if it wasn’t to protect myself. I want someone to provoke me, taunt me until I lash out on them. I want to make one bleed, to feel the warmth of the blood on my skin. I’m not okay I guess. I should talk about it with a professional. Just like my hyper-sensibility to noises. They make me aggressive and irritated, but I can’t have music on all the time to go over those sounds. I don’t want to live, yet I don’t want to die. What a weird sensation, that I do not like btw. My «friends» aren’t what they used to be, so I’m trying to make new ones that will interact with me more than the group I have. My moiral isn’t who she used to be and the girl I used to have flushed feelings for is still in my life, which makes it hard to go over her. She is still beautiful and having a few classes with her (in which we work together to see who has the right answer or technique) makes the feelings come back, and it frustrates me. I shouldn’t have feelings for anyone. It never brings anything good. Love often transforms into hatred, passion into repulsion, and so on. Being replaced makes you feel useless and that no one wants you. Being lied to makes you paranoid of what people tells you. Being unwanted makes one feel horrible.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Entry #2

This is entry #2. We are on April 7th, it’s been a little less than two weeks since I first wrote my thoughts and fears here. I wanted to do it more often, sometimes because I couldn’t sleep, others because I was so anxious or angry I needed to vent. Sadly, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. For some reasons, something stops me from doing it as often as I should.

Anyway, theses past few days were kind of rough. I feel like my best friends are kind of leaving me behind and now I feel like I push myself over them a lot. Maybe they don’t really want to hang out with me. They are going out more and more often together with some of my other friends and I learn about it after, how much fun they had. They send pictures, videos and other things to me, not knowing how much It hurts to see they’re having fun without me. I can’t even tell them. I’m too scared of how they’ll react. I’m always the last option in their night activities, I never now anything about anyone, I AM JUST SO TIRED. What have I done again? Am I too boring, do I have too many restrictions or is it entirely something else? I’ll talk to my best friend about it, at least I hope I’ll be able to.

On a brighter(?) note, I met my mother alone in a small but nice coffee shop. It didn’t go as bad as I thought it would, we talked about life and how it’s going, funny things, less funny things. The kids. My kids. I don’t see them a lot anymore. I try not to think about it. It makes me sad. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see how much they all mean to me. Even if I’m not home anymore, they’re still what matters the most to me. I told her I am sad that she never texts me or try to take some news from me. She answered that I don’t do it either. Which is true, I gave up long ago. Maybe its gonna get better now, who knows?

Now, last point of my second entry. I feel like my tutor, my godmother, doesn’t enjoy anymore my presence. I’m not angry at her for that, I just wish she’d try to hide it from me? I’m not going to stay much much longer though. In a year and 18 days, I’ll be 18 and free to go wherever I want. I know I should talk with her more. I should let everyone around me know more on how I feel and what I want. It’s hard, because I never really opened up to many people, being too afraid to be myself. I’m just too bothersome for everyone around me.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

Entry #1

This is entry number one

I’m still not sure why I decided on doing this, but I hope it’ll be helpful in the future. We are on March 25, 2019 and for not the first time in year, I think I might have done a mistake. I broke my family and now My Sister decided to be placed in my aunt’s best friend house if they can get her. I am against it because as one may know, I am afraid of being left behind. And I have seen it many times already. She gets all the attention, and I am then alone. She’s always getting in my way for a life that I might enjoy living. If I may be honest, I would even prefer it if she stayed at y grand-parents’ place. There, at least, she would let me live. Now, all the attention’s going to be on her and they won’t remark it before its too late and that I moved on. My mother rejected me and every other mistake she made, making me feel awful. I hoped that our relationship would get better some way but it looks everything failed. I was not putting enough in it, she wasn’t doing anything and we weren’t going anywhere with this, thus leading it to a dead end. I’m so tired of being the bad one. I’m tired of being me. I do not please anyone. I eat meat, I have piercings, I am too open-minded I guess, I don’t have the right opinions or the right age to say them aloud, too young to die, too young to be free and myself… Too Me., It’s harder than one would want to believe. Our generation is fucked and we’re tired and sick of the excuses made by the previous ones. I sure am, but what am I? A simple soul that, alone, doesn’t hve much power. I make mistakes just like everyone else, but mine always seem worse, or that’s just what other lead me to see. I can’t concentrate, there’s too much noises around me and inside me too. Music can drown it down a little. But some of the voices shout more louder than any song I could play to overwhelm them, leaving me no other option but to listen to them to appease them. Sometimes, all they want is to bother me, other times, they want me to do something to make them calm. It’s not always easy. I survive one day after another wishing I won’t wake up again. But life doesn’t give me that chance. I am a prisoner of my own mind. Of our sick, poisonous and soulless society. Of our standardized test to see if I am fit to become another one of their lifeless and powerless puppets. Here I am, once more getting confused in my own writing, passing from one subject to another, just like my mind does with ideas and thoughts. Passing through so many memories, choices and events that happened to be in my life. This is how I’ll end this entry. Until the next one.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

What does one do when they feel alone and touchstarved ? All I want is a boyfriend, for fuck’s sake. Someone I will love and that will love me back.

[personal-thoughts-of-one]

There is nothing that could save us from it

The unstoppable run from the time.