peakinside

[peakinside]

I feel like it is so rare to experience so much pure joy.

I felt that this morning.

Happy tears.

Pure bliss and a giant smile.

It was however bittersweet knowing it would end.

Though the thoughts bring back a smile.

I relish in this time even if I can't go back.

🧡 🧡 🧡

[peakinside]

Some days getting out of bed is hard. Finding the will to remove the duvet and place my feet on the ground. To open my curtains and brush my teeth.

Some days I just want to pull the duvet back up and waste the day away. I don't want to get dressed and face the world.

Some days thought, I wake to the sun shining through my curtains waking me up entirely too early yet I'm not annoyed about it. I am able to eat breakfast and wash my face.

Some days I enjoy.

Some days I'm just waiting for it to be over to go back to sleep.

I never know the type of day I'm going to have tomorrow. But each night as I watch the time tick by I hope tomorrow is a day I enjoy.

[peakinside]

Productivity and the struggles

So we are back in lockdown where I am. Currently on day 5 of who knows.

Today is the first day I've felt somewhat productive. Granted this productivity began at about 3pm I would class that as a win. Productivity is something I constantly struggle with so take away the ability to leave the house and my will to leave even my bed is basically at zero. My productivity today really just means I made brownies and did some organising on my computer but truly that is more than just watching shows and reading all day.

I really don't know how people do it day in and day out. The ability to get functioning as a human being at this point is unfathomable to me. To be able to do more than three productive items in one day I truly believe I am incapable. I have lots of things I can do this lockdown so I won't be bored but it is just about getting the motivation to get out of bed and actually complete these tasks. They aren't even boring tasks, I know I'll have fun doing them but it is just the thought process of completing them that I am struggling with.

How the fuck do I do shit? It sounds like a dumb question but is something I really am struggling with. I am fully aware that lockdown doesn't mean I have to do shit every day but this unproductivity started a long time before lockdown did. It has now just been amplified.

[peakinside]

Wind skating past my hair chilling me to the bone.

Fingers icy as I hide them in my pockets.

Tears leaking from my eyes as I squeeze them shut.

Drums pound in my ears as they run through their notes.

[peakinside]

The wind is talking. Saying things that I can't hear. Can't understand.

Yet the rain;

The rain knows what it's saying. It replies. Big gusts answered with a battering against my window. The soft then heavy pattering. The conversation going late into the night.

There conversation keeps me awake. I want to know what they are saying, to join them.

But I don't and I can't. So as I lay bed and listen to what they have to say.

[peakinside]

And I didn’t think I could feel this way. 

Yet

Somehow

It all just falls into place

[peakinside]

I feel nothing as I wait,

Wait to feel something.

Something so I’m not so lonely,

Lonely and alone waiting,

Waiting to feel something.

[peakinside]

And so she takes 

and she takes 

and she takes,

but it is still not enough. 

Not enough to make her whole. 

How much more does she need?

[peakinside]

And so,

One could never think it possible

To put their time into.

But how this changes

How this grows,

Well that just shows

That it is to possible.

[peakinside]

What colour do you see

You’re light

With a little darkness

You’re red and blue

But still neither of those

You come up to me

Make me smile

But not for all

Why not see how you are

A complete for some

But not for all

A colour that is there for me

A colour that most don’t see

A colour that I must say

Is the best to be

[peakinside]

And so it goes

In the moment it's all you can feel

In the moment it's all you can think about

In the moment it's all consuming

But

After the moment

It's just a drop in the ocean

[peakinside]

As the rain falls

and my heart is full

I sit here and think

How could there be any less?

[peakinside]

Who knew you could feel this way.

Broken and whole all at once .

You left me.

That broke my heart.

But now I see.

That you weren't good for me.

[peakinside]

Sometimes I just need to remember.

Remember that you were once here.

[peakinside]

Look inside yourself.

See that difference

Who are you really?

Who do you want to be?

What's the difference?

See it and move forward.

[peakinside]

You’re always smiling

You’re shoulders shaking kindly

You’re glee consuming

[peakinside]

Sitting here

This place in time

Disappears in a moment

Longing for longer

This place

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