painfullyextroverted-blog

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I am single and sad and SOMAD about my warts dude. I got them frozen off today and they hurt like a buttcheek on a stick, i hate it. I hope they go away soon. I'll have to get this procedure done like five more times though over the course of five months. and my leg hurts so bad. I'm too young for this many physical problems.

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i am too fuckin nice and take too much shit

one time i ordered a fluffy blanket and goldfish for a boyfriend who wouldn't even talk to me on a regular basis (i was high, but it was nice of me anyway!)

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it's really hard to break up with someone because they don't show that they love you (even though they say that they do) when all you learned form your parents is that they say but don't show that they love you. No actions, just words. It makes it really fucking hard. like maybe I keep giving my partner more and more chances because i (have to) keep giving my parents more and more chances because they're the only ones I have.

I hate it.

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Letter from My Body to My Self (ED)

12/14/21

Dear Self,

[You], I want you to know that I am here for you. Nothing can take me away from you.

I need your help though. I need you to work with me-- to feed and comfort me. I have been neglected so much, so often, for so long. I know you're trying, and that's great, and you need to keep trying. Yo need to follow the meal plan-- it's our medicine.

I'm not in great communication with Mind right now, and that will get better. You just have to focus on me though right now, just Body, and Mind will follow soon. You are fighting a mind-demon, [name], the ED. But the ED can't control ME, t can't control your Body! (that's me!) It can only effect your Mind. So put Me first, putting me first is also putting YOU first, even if it doesn't seem like it.

I can only help you and serve you better if you give me what I need, and that is food, that is nourishment.

Food is medicine. All food is medicine.

As your body I will never work against you willingly. I'm always trying to help and alert you to problems. But right now I'm too tired and too starved to perform my duty. So please keep trying.

I love you, I'm here for you. Nobody can ever take me away from you

Ever.

Love,

Your Body

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shivering and chattering bc i haven't eaten a real meal in many hours and because of anxiety and because i'm cold as fuck

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do you like me or did u just give me attention for two days bc i sucked you off

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i love the library

i love the library

great place to work, actually warm, other people are working. Better than a cafe sometimes because it's actually quiet.

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tw: ED

12/5/21

affirmations

YOU

ARE

SICK

ENOUGH

FOR

TREATMENT

you are sick enough for treatment you are sick enough for treatment you are sick enough for treatment you are sick enough for treatment

You are WORTH getting HELP!

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Even if you don't think/know that you have [disorder] (or even if you know you don't!) you're allowed to use coping strategies meant for or associated with that disorder. You can use ADHD tips for your poor memory. You can stim even if you're not autistic (stimming has a lot of overlap between disorders honestly). You can use chronic fatigue tips if you have depression. You're not stealing resources. If it helps you, it helps you, whether you were the target audience or not

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tw: ED

12/5/21

Eating is just so hard. so annoying .why necessary??

I just can't shake the feeling that I will never ever feel full again. instead of dealing with this and even trying to feel full by eating, I just avoid it by sticking to what i know. avoiding food altogether.

Also I'm so afraid that the program will try to take away my medicine I take for anti-vomiting?? I am afraid of choking and vomiting. Esp since the last 3 times I vomitted I ended up in the ER dehydrated, and nobody literally knows why. soooo that is freaky.

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eating disorder

hi, I have an eating disorder. I'm going to a php in 3 days and I wanted somewhere to vent my anxieties about it. And also kind of write my thoughts out as a baseline/pre-php thought documentation. (PHP = partial hospitalization). I've never been to any treatment like this so Im nervous

December 4 2021

According to my therapists, they say I have ARFID which is Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Having looked at the info they provided me I'd say that's probably what it is. There's definitely a fear of fatness/weight gain though in addition to that. It said that sometimes there's a thing you can have where you are hypersensitive to tastes as well? hyperactive taste buds? and idk if I have that but I have ALWAYS been hypersensitive to SMELL. Always. So maybe correlated

I've been vegan for 7 years about (thanks to tumblr for converting me lol) and honestly I haven't been on tumblr in about that time either. I went vegan for 3 reasons ranked from highest to lowest:

1. Good for the planet

2. good for my body

3. good for animals (not killing the chickies)

At this point I'm ngl, I am over being vegan. Like I have shifted back to eating mostly processed foods. When I went vegan there weren't a lot of vegan supplements for things so I had lots of whole plant based foods all the time but now I'm eating vegan microwave mac n cheese and oven chicken nuggets and shit all the time. AND I'm craving chicken, like chicen strips all the time. and My roommate ate pulled pork (like my favorite food, my LAST SUPPER of not being vegan) yesterday and I'm like, shit. I hate pork and I hate bbq sauce usually but mmMMmm good pulled pork.

HOWEVER, a common thing I have said since going vegan is "IF I weren't vegan I would be so fat". This is not cute. I really do believe this statement, and I think it's part of why I am afraid to stop being vegan.

Lately I've been plagued with this feeling of like, not ever being full. Bottomless pit, never to be filled. But instead of trying to satiate that, I like ignore it as uncomfortable and deal with it in the only way I know how which is restricting (or simply avoiding) food. I am feeling it right now! IT's easier in this moment for me not to eat. Which is not healthy.

I am afraid of getting fat. EVERYONE, including my younger sibling who is 19 and a foot shorter than I am, is overweight in my family. My extended family not so much but my immediate family definitely. And that's scary. I have (well, HAD, when I tried to write this post yesterday) 3 main reasons why I am afraid of gaining weight.

1. it is annoying to not fit clothes I own

this is kind of silly but its true. I experienced the same phenomenon in the last few years while I've been losing weight and my body has been changing in general (I'm 21, this isn't puberty lol). Like it SUCKED in 2018 when I was waking up and wearing the same two pairs of pants that were just falling off because they were too big (skinny jeans too). I went to Hollister during my break (during black friday weekend probably LOL) at my mall job and purchased new pants in a smaller size that day. There's like this frugality? that my mom ingrained in my and like it's great and all but it's also this sense of like, you don't NEED anything ever? Like making normal necessities seem like not? normal? necessities? like clothes that fit? the bare necessities. now sing the little song from the jungle book (horribly racist movie, fun music tho i can't lie)

wow so much freedom in anonymous writing!

reason 2 of being scared of weight gain

2. its uncomfortable

it really fucking is. I won't list my weight here now, but I was my heaviest in 7th/8th grade, and it was awful. THAT was during puberty LMAO. It was awful. My clothes were uncomfortable, my tummy hung over my pants (then i met high rise jeans, thank you jesus, I've never looked back). When I got into the shower I felt like I hadn't taken off all my clothes-- there was still a layer I hadn't removed. That was my fat. You can't take that off!!!! And it's awful. Awful. :( Like a second skin basically. Bleh

3. it is unattRACTIVE (for me?????)

I do have insecurities. and I'm not gonna lie, I have been working on my fashion/wardrobe for the last year and it has some GAME now ok, I don't look like a hobo everyday. In fact I look fly as fuck. And it helps to be skinny. I have some beautiful girlfriends who are CURVaLiCIOUS and i love them, but I am still afraid of it for myself. It also feels like so much more work. Like I feel like for me if I were heavy/ier then Id have to start wearing full face makeup everyday with contour and shit to look decent. It's dumb and contradictory and cognitive dissonence-y i know. but it's how i feel.

So, I think there are several possible causes to my ED/correlations with life events.

1. I went vegan around the same time my dad left

#daddyissues LMAO

So yeah, the summer before freshman year I went vegan. And at some point during this summer my dad went grocery shopping and I don't even know what it was but I guess I asked him to buy some type of vegetable, and he bought kale instead or something? Either way, I know that kale got thrown at me. hard. Sooooo, this is kinda like dumb i guess but it is abusive behavior and I was like crying on the floor for an hour and nobody at all came to talk to me or help me out (I have a victim complx too haha FUN AND QUIRKY!!! RAWR XD) and yeah basically people like ignored the whole situation??? And my mom like said something to my dad about it but like, it was not enough. A month later he threw something bigger and harder at my mom and she kicked him out. I'm still upset by this a little and the fact my mom didn't like realize sooner what was going on. Like my feelings and my experience of my dad wasn't valid or didn't incorporate with who she knew my dad to be. And I just always think that maybe if she cared more about the kale incident that maybe something would be different. idk what.

ANYWAY: that's when I went vegan, right? So we start this (pattern) of ~abandonment correlated with limited food options. REMEMBER this was before I could pick up frozen vegan meals at any supermarket, I was cooking EVERYTHING from scratch basically, and I couldn't have conventional ice cream and shit.

2. b-R-e-A-k-U-P-s

if you're still reading, now you'll probably be able to figure out who I am. So here's a short rundown of events:

A. I am searching for stability outside the home. I avoid being home as much as possible (consciously or subconsciously). I lose my best friend (best friend breakups, yuck). And finally after a crazy fling, somebody starts dating me (ahem *bitchass). So it's awful but it had potential ( I thought ) to be everything I wanted. So we break uP DUH and I'm like heartbroken!! Dismayed!! And I stop EATING. I stop eating. I literally lose 10 pounds.

before this, crushes made me stress out and CAUSED me to eat. But this was new! This was ~ANXIETY~. Having to interact with an ex, having to see them go out with someone else, etc etc etc.

B. victim complex continues

so I get a new boyfriend shortly after, like a month. that November bitchass dumped me was the worst month of my life probably. idk. thanks to XXXTentacion SKINZ album for gettin me thru it. So new boyfriend is like everything I could ever want and more, literally MAKING ME FOOD, doing his savior complex shit, saving my fucking day. It was great, for me anyway. And then he broke up with me too and PLUMMMETTTTING plummetting. so now I have no savior and no appetite, yummy. I am still hung up on this (if u r reading this, I hope you're not). But he was like, my first love, and I don't think that's something you get over, ever. It just kinda sucks I wasn't his first.

yeah that's it for breakups. My other symptoms/reasons are pretty compliant with ARFID ideas, these (above) are basically the psychological outliers I wanted to identify. Like I choked on graham crackers once and then I avoided eating them for YEARS literal years. I currently have a fear of choking (ranked highest to lowest fear, 1 nuts 2. popcorn 3 crunchy chips) I'm afraid they'll scratch my throat.

About my food

again, if you're still reading this, idk why but go for it.

I CAN eat crunchy things if it's with or before something that is not crunchy. Like hummus and pretzel chips. That has basicallly been 50% of my diet for the last two weeks or more.

Yeah idk basically surviving on that and vegan deli slices and pickles occasionally and lots of cinnoman raisin toast and applesauce. occasional clif bars.

But like when people offer me food or I'm eating a "forbidden" food I feel like I go kinda crazy. I literally DONT but I FEEL like I could or do. like eating cheese ravioli: I ate like more than I thought I would. (ahem, only 3 but i figured i'd have one) or when people offer me food I like, cannot resist it. that has ALWAYS been a thing too so maybe that's partly how I got this far with ARFID bc like i know there's something inside me that lacks control.

ok that's pretty much it for now. I am anxious about PHP and I could make a different post about that but again that's kinda what got deleted the first time around.

Thanks.

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man i hate this app I typed like an entire essay on this post and its gone

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When the loneliness hits you hard when you go home after you've had fun with friends

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I just spend so much time at home alone but I wanna b out with friends

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Extroverts with individualized hobbies

We can all read and draw and anything else together I guess

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Please submit! Message me or put it in the ask :)

Hello!

I AM AN EXTROVERT WHO HAS NO FRIENDS PLS SEND HELP AND PREFERABLY HUGS :D

– This blog is going to be the frustrations of an extrovert in a world of introverts and people who say they’re introverted to avoid social situations.

If YOU ARE AN EXTROVERT and are FRUSTRATED please submit a frustration to be post!

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When all your friends are friends with people you dislike but you still want to hang out