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This isn’t a vaccine it’s magic bean paste

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Learn your surgical terms! This is a lifesaver for students in the operating room.

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When I’m slammed and everyone else is sitting around...

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Me, when my patient needs emotional support...

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When we're preparing to move my 400 lb patient...

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The one time I had a doctor help clean up a code brown. I will never forget it.

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I watched four people die this weekend, four people. Sounds horrifying right? Well, it is.

Surely these people must have been sweet little 90 year olds, who lived long happy lives, drifting quietly off into the night surrounded by family they love. Well, that is not my story, in fact, that’s never my story. My story is filled with people who woke up, got dressed, and started their day, just like you and I, having no idea that it would be their last.

The room above looks so benign, shiny and new, full of promise and cutting edge medical equipment, ready for whatever may roll through the doors. Exactly what you would want if you were the one lying in the bed. But, there is much more here than meets the eye. So many things, things that can’t be seen by those who haven’t stood in this place time and time again.

You may wonder what could hide here, what could be lurking behind the glass doors and freshly painted walls. Just what do I see when I look at this place? I see so many things. I see countless hours of hard work, sweat, and tears. I see a floor covered in blood, trash, gloves, and whatever else may land there in the middle of the mess. I hear gut wrenching screams, the indescribable sound of a weeping mother, and the words “time of death” many more times than I care to admit. I hear the pumping of the level one, the hum of a ventilator, slamming drawers, alarming monitors, and the loud sigh of relief when we “get them back.” I see gowns, trauma surgeons, confused patients, ET tubes, code carts, flushed faces, shaking hands, and countless lives, both saved and lost. You see, I have been on both sides of this bed, and I can tell you they are equally terrifying.

You may think that there is no way anyone could find peace here, or that there is any way to see beauty in this mess. To tell you the truth, some days I’m not sure either. Some days I leave defeated, I let the dark win, and I am certain there is no way I can work one more shift. Then, just when I know I can’t step back in that room, something amazing happens. We save a life, one, that’s all it takes, and you know you can pick up the pieces and carry on. I recently cared for a patient with dissecting AAA, scary shit, I don’t care how many times you’ve done it. This man drove himself to the hospital and arrested walking through the triage doors. Incredible timing right? Not only did he regain consciousness in the ED before going to the OR, he walked out of the hospital a week later, that’s right, walked out. AMAZING! How does that even happen? That shiny room worked its ass off that day and won, we won! I can’t describe the feeling. Nothing can compare to saving a life.

In the middle of the chaos it’s hard to see the significance of the work we do. We just power through whatever the task is at hand. Lines, labs, intubation, compressions, chest tubes, splints, the list goes on and on. It isn’t until after the event that we can step back and look at what we have done. What went well, what could have gone better, and come to grips with the fact that the person we just cared for was in fact a person, not a job, not a task, but a human being. Someone with a life, and a story of their own. For me, it’s in that very moment I find strength and peace in what we do. There is always something beautiful, even in the worst of situations. The pure will to fight, to live, and to carry on, even when it hurts to breathe, is what keeps me coming back for more.

So yes, that room can be a horrific place. It can be scary and lonely, but it can also be amazing and inspirational, a place of love and triumph. Each day, each patient, brings a new chance to fight, to win, and to find beauty in unthinkable circumstances. Behind those glass doors are many hidden things. Many things that most people will never see or feel. Things that have made me laugh, made me cry, built me up, and knocked me down. Most of these things can’t be shared, and that’s ok, they don’t really need to be. If you live it you understand why, and you also understand how it’s possible, to find peace here.

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A bacterial culture grown from a hand and arm print.

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WARNING- RANT:

If I have to hear on the news one more time about how that NYC doctor who contracted ebola is a villain because he walked around the city after being exposed from a trip to Africa I am going to scream. Firstly, shame on you, news networks for spreading fear rather than helpful information about the disease. Let's just look at the likelihood of regular ol' Joe Shmoe contracting ebola at this point in the US: slim to none. It is good to know that if you have been to Africa or have come in contact with someone who has recently been to Africa and has flu-like symptoms and now you have flu-like symptoms, please seek medical attention immediately. The MD in NYC, disgustingly dubbed "Ebola Doc" in one news segment I saw, was not exhibiting symptoms when he went for a run, went out with friends, went on the subway and took a cab in Brooklyn and Manhattan; aka- NORMAL THINGS PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY GET BACK FROM LONG TRIPS AWAY FROM THEIR LOVED ONES. I know when I get back from trips, the first thing I want to do is, well, sleep... but after that I really want to see my friends and family and tell them all about it. And let's not forget that this particular MD wasn't just on a leisurely vacation in Africa, HE WAS TREATING AND CARING FOR SUFFERING EBOLA PATIENTS with the well-known organization DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS, a brave and selfless act. He knew he had been in contact with ebola patients and when he started exhibiting symptoms he immediately sought out medical help and isolation, coming in contact with few people: his fiancee, a couple friends, and the medical personnel. And while we are all obsessing over contracting and dying from ebola, let me just mention that there are some other things we should also be concerned about that we, as Americans, seem to have forgotten: heart disease is the number one killer of Americans, but McDonald's has "billions and billions served". Cancer, the number two killer is still being supported by big tobacco companies and alcoholics everywhere because "sobriety is for quitters". We are more likely to be killed in a motor vehicle collision but we still refuse to slow down, stop texting/talking on the phone, and buckle up/wear a helmet on a motorcycle (live free or die, right?). I could go on and on here, and I am by no means trying to be self-righteous nor am I saying I'm not completely addicted to McDonald's french fries, drink my fair share of alcohol or go 5-10 mph over the speed limit at all times. I'm just trying to bring things into perspective. Maybe there are other things more concerning than others at this point. Knowing the symptoms of ebola and knowing to get help is the best thing for the citizens of this country. Oh! Have you gotten your flu shot this season?

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Making up names for medical equipment

because life is more fun this way

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WHEN A CERTAIN COWORKER IS WORKING

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WHEN WE GET A LONG-OVERDUE UPDATE OF AN OLD DEVICE OR PRODUCT

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WHEN I NEED A CERTAIN PIECE OF EQUIPMENT BUT EVERY ONE WE HAVE IS EITHER LOST OR BROKEN

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Best way to learn your valves;)