okaykowalski-blog

[okaykowalski-blog]

so, i’m genuinely writing this 25 hours after joining the group. 25 hours is all that it’s taken for me to realise what an unfriendly, unwelcoming place this is – despite the admin’s best attempts at making the opposite look like the case. i think it’s worth mentioning to begin with that i came here against my better judgment and against literally every ounce of self-preservation in my body after hearing about numerous instances of the admin not only sending inappropriate messages to multiple members but refusing to tag EXTREMELY triggering content on the dash.

not only that, but people who were very understandably triggered by this content ( a comment made about not being attractive enough to be roofied, to be fucking clear ) were then blamed and assumed to be sensitive which is fucking inexcusable.

you cannot preach to me about how much of an effort you make to make sure everyone here is comfortable ( more on that later ) whilst blatantly disregarding the emotional and mental safety of your members by not only being the one to make triggering content readily available on the dash, but by failing to tag it, refusing to tag it after it was gently pointed out as being triggering, and then saying that that member should not have been triggered in the first place.

i came to be with a friend, who might i add, is one of two people who were welcoming. not only did maddie convince me to give the group a chance after all of the awful things that i’d heard, but she gave me two starters to keep me occupied and help welcome me to the group whilst i did up a stats page and got over the initial anxiety of joining a group that i had a LOT of reservations about.

well, imagine my fucking surprise when genuinely FOUR POSTS IN i get my ass handed to me for not replying to open starters first. now, i’ve been in the rpc for a solid 12 years and would like to think i’ve been around the block and have a good understanding of what i like to see from new members – namely that i have a fucking clue who the hell i’m replying to. bearing this in mind, i will ALWAYS make sure there is at least a stats page available before i start engaging with other members. i wouldn’t have replied to ANYONE until that had been up but, seeing as maddie already had an understanding of this character and had tagged me in two posts, i didn’t see the harm in knocking those out before she went out for the evening, at which point i planned to finish setting up my account and start working my way through the wipstart tag.

WELL.

APPARENTLY THAT WAS MY SECOND MISTAKE.

( if you haven’t caught on yet, my first was joining this hell pit in the first place )

once it was pointed out that i was only 4 posts in and my intentions for the evening were laid out, some not-so-subtle backpedaling went on in which the amount of time i had gone without replying to anyone became an issue that apparently people had already complained about.

now, i don’t know any of you ( seeing as i’ve been here for 25 hours, during which i’ve been active on the dash for maybe 3 or 4 ) but i have never in 12 years complained to an admin within AN HOUR of a new member joining to say that they were making me feel excluded, which was apparently the case.

excuse me, but i’m just gonna come right out and call bullshit.

i’d also like to state AGAIN that during that first hour i also had dinner, which was a reasonable thought that maybe should have occurred before i was accused of excluding people given the fact that i forgot to submit my timezone with my app and so had literally just spoken to her about the fact that i’m in MST which –– hold your breath for this one, folks –– means that when she messaged me it was right around dinner time. WILD, RIGHT?

i mean, i’d also like to toss out that the delay between my posts should have also been a pretty good indication that i was multitasking and trying to, i don’t know, get my account in order before hitting the tags.

again, i think it’s worth mentioning that at this point i was feeling targeted by the admin ( for what i assume to be socialising with maddie, someone she had made it clear she wasn’t a fan of ) within an hour of arrival and even more unhappy at the prospect of staying in somewhere i knew i was bound to be triggered in after the sexual assault triggers that had already been posted without tags and that was VERY CLEARLY not run in the manner to which i’m accustomed to seeing groups run ( which is to say with basic respect for members that haven’t climbed up the ass of the admin within an hour of joining ) and still, maddie convinced me to give it another shot and stick it out so that i could see what a great group this could be, so i did. i woke up this morning ready to dip back into the starter tag and see which ones i could reply to that weren’t horribly old that i hadn’t alreadynobody was online, but that was alright, so i occupied myself with replying to the only two people who had replied to me which, i think, is a pretty reasonable course of actionAND THEN IMAGINE MY FUCKING SURPRISE ( WHICH IS FUNNY SEEING AS I REALLY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SURPRISED ) when maddie’s ass gets called the fuck out for ignoring people and not making enough of an effort to be inclusivenow, let me just say, i am aware that she is my friend and so i hold a certain degree of bias there, but there are few people that are as active on a dash nor as welcoming to new members as maddie is, so when she told me she had been messaged about people complaining that she wasn’t being inclusive i was a little thrown.not only was it outrageous because of that, but it was outrageous because at the time that she was messaged she only owed one reply which ( get ready for this one ) was to the admin’s best friend who had complained about her multiple times before! don’t get too excited, though, because apparently just as multiple people had complained about me not replying to their open starters within an hour  of arriving, apparently MULTIPLE people had complained about maddie dropping their threadsthis is a fucking novel already and frankly i feel like i’ve made my point, but i think it’s also worth mentioning that another player received the exact same  message as maddie today. it’s not fucking rocket science to figure out who it was, but i’ll wait while you scroll down a bit and take a wild guess and whilst you do that i’ll point out that that member also seems to be replying to a good amount of members and had, at the time of receiving the message, actually been all caught up on repliesnow, i don’t know what kind of admin has a problem with people being active on the dash when they’re all caught up on other replies and one or two members are actively replying to them but it’s not entirely surprising that that is the same kind of admin that shames people for being triggered by sexual assault mentions, refuses to tag triggering content, and thinks that it’s acceptable to bully new members for what i can only assume is insecurity that their own starters aren’t getting as much attention as they would likehoney, let me give you a tip: you might do better in 1x1

[okaykowalski-blog]

levichill:

“Yeah. Flowers, jewelry. Maybe a new outfit, shoes - I’m not picky,” he said, sniffling as she went on. He eyed her curiously, not bothering to answer, because, no, he had no clue what she thought. “Why would I spend money on you if I’m dying? I’d spend money on myself, obviously. That’s really selfish of you,” he commented, shaking his head back and forth in disbelief. “I have a long future ahead of me. I’m not interested in dying yet. This is a very sad, very emotional time for me.”

     “if you’re dying, obviously you don’t have a long future ahead of you,” she countered with a frown, “so it’s better just to pull your pants up and accept it, and then you’ve got more time to cram in whatever you want to do before you croak – namely, giving me shit so that i have something to remember you by.” millie stood a little taller then, clearly under the impression that the logic that she had provided him with was flaw free.

[okaykowalski-blog]

isaacsays:

that he had. no matter what way you spun the truth, that was a fact. he’d let her. still there was a blankness to his expression, eyes hardened by an objection that sat plain on the flat of his tongue even as she turned the tables on him and shed light on the responsibility he held in their relationship dismantling. “i didn’t realize i was meant to beg you to stick around.”

     well, she hadn’t quite expected that either. for a moment she sat silenced by the perceived coldness of his stare, save for the occasional sniff as millie wiped uselessly at the dampness of her flushed cheeks. and then a truth occurred to her that was far more ugly than she would have preferred but that begged to be shared regardless of the vulnerability that its syllables wove into her spine. “i would have.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

thenameis-louise:

“Yeah, don’t say,” Louise teased. “This magical thing here ain’t going anywhere, so… there’s no rush.”

     “oooh, MAGICAL, is it?” a wide, taunting grin spread at that. “listen, you just gimme a rain check on that and i’ll cash in once a semi-respectable amount of time’s passed.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

peytondid:

trainwrecks together: a movie coming soon to local theaters near you. “oh, we don’t kiss or anything.” she was quick to clear up that very line of confusion with a dismissive little wave of her hand. “we just— i don’t know. do sleepover stuff. although i did find this new game tonight that’s so super fun and we played it for a long time. oh, hey, do you want to play with me?”

     “you don’t have to kiss to be dating.” although now that she considered it, millie couldn’t think of anyone who didn’t. all in all, not a fantastic start to this particular string of advice –– best to just press on and hope that her words would go ignored. “what game?” peyton had piqued her interest now and millie leaned towards her as though she might have brought a bop it! into the kitchen that she had just not yet noticed. “i like games.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

isaacsays:

yeah. yeah, she had. and maybe he had too, but introspection was unlikely to be something isaac would delve into while faced with her teary eyes and his own ardent stubbornness to admit that he’d done something wrong when he’d felt her break off first. “you fucked off.”

     “you let me.” millie’s surprise at her reply was plain to see – it sat plainly across her soft, teary features in the widening of her red-rimmed eyes and in the subtle adjustment of her posture as she leaned back an inch or two as though literally taken aback by the quiet truth that she could have honestly said she had never before given voice to. the burden of the dissolution of their relationship had always seemed like something she should be shouldering on her own. “you just let me.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

thenameis-louise:

Louise rolled her eyes again and pushed her friend lightly to a side. “Yes, I hope – I… Why? Are you offering?” She joked, raising an eyebrow.

     “might be, but i’m gonna hold off for a little while so i don’t look thirsty as fuck –– even though i am.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

peytondid:

her fingertips tapped at her lips idly, mind suddenly gone wheeling off into a direction that she had not seen coming. “how, um, exactly would i know if we were dating?”

     “well,” it seemed ironic that peyton should be asking millie as much when the only serious relationship that she had had had all but destroyed most everything else in its wake. still, she was not one to pass up the opportunity to hand out advice to a rapt audience. “what do you guys do when you’re together?”

[okaykowalski-blog]

isaacsays:

oh, this should be good. it was not cruelty that had abruptly settled in the sharp set of his jaw but it was doubt, certainly, about what exactly she ‘hadn’t known’. wilmer was quite happy dawdling around with the blueness at his feet but and at that moment he may have been the only one unbothered by the tension in the room. “what didn’t you know, millie?”

     predictably, she wavered under his questioning gaze, her own drifting along the hard line of his jaw before dropping for the moment to where her hands wrung in her lap. it was clear to both of them that she had misspoke and the urge to backpedal was one that clawed at the tight column of her throat, looking for relief. “i don’t know. i messed up. i really messed up.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

peytondid:

AHHHHHH. END HER NOW. “i don’t think we are.” the pause that she took before answering that should’ve said everything it needed to about her lack of experience when it came to the general custom of dating as a whole. “oh my gosh. are we?”

    lips pressed tightly together as though there was a secret held behind her cherry-stained mouth, millie gave a shrug of exaggerated feigned ignorance. “dunno. don’t ask me – i wasn’t in the room for your sleepover.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

isaacsays:

“no.” was it because he it was too late or because he didn’t want to hear it? the scenarios he’d created inside of his head about her sudden departure were bad, sure, but the truth could be even worse and isaac wasn’t sure that he was in the best mindset to handle it with the proper amount of care at one in the morning with his tear-stained collar hot against his neck. “you made a choice, millie. we all make them. i can’t unmake it for you.”

     she drew back finally with a brow furrowed deep with concern not only for herself but for him and for the state of their relationship, flimsy though it might have been. her tone bordered on frantic, vowels sharp and pitchy in her haste to make him understand what he seemed so hesitant to acknowledge. “yeah, but i didn’t know ––“ but she did, didn’t she? on some level, she had to know. “i’m sorry.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

thenameis-louise:

“No!” Louise let out a laugh, gently nudging Millie away from her. “I mean, yes – there’s something down there and it works… I hope, it’s just… been a while.”

     “well, thank fuck for that.” a hand swiped across her forehead and a phew! offered for emphasis, millie’s elbow found louise’s side with a gentle prod. “you hope? that sounds promising. should we have a look to be sure?”

[okaykowalski-blog]

isaacsays:

fingers lacing a tight path through the back of her hair, isaac stroked soothing motions meant to subside the unexpected breakdown in his arms. “i know.” it was a lie. hard not to think her distancing herself had been anything but intentional; daily texts had become weekly, then monthly, and then nothing at all for so long you might have forgotten she’d ever been in his contacts list. “you don’t have to explain yourself.” but she did, didn’t she?

     she may not have caught his joke but she could certainly catch his lie; it hung over them both in a shroud of well-intentioned dishonesty that somehow only served to make her feel worse. there was no simple explanation for what she had done. it was a mess of jealousy and miscommunication and her own misguided attempts at pacifying someone who derived far less comfort from the band on her finger than millie did. it seemed obvious in hindsight that when faced with an ultimatum you didn’t choose the person presenting it but in the moment it hadn’t seemed quite so black and white – it had been a string of monopolized time and quiet prompts to return that text later until eventually later never seemed to come. “yeah, i do.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

isaacsays:

he had comforted his younger sisters numerous times and so he did not consider himself one of the guys who could not comfort a girl without freezing up but this was an entirely different ball field where he was directly responsible for her tears. it was not unfamiliar of him to fuck things up but to fix it was something he wouldn’t have even known how to begin tackling. and so, wordlessly, he pulled her towards him with a hand cradling the back of her head to his shoulder.

     she twisted where she sat, teary face tucking into the crook of his neck as her arms wrapped unabashedly around his form and millie pressed herself close to him with such a readiness that you might have thought that that had been her aim all along. “we’re not friends anymore.” the statement was pressed into the collar of his shirt, muffled and on the heels of a breathy sob as she struggled to regain control of her emotions. “and i didn’t mean to – you know i didn’t mean to.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

peytondid:

well, in that case, fuck you too, clara. peyton had any number of flaws but dishonesty was not one of them and keeping secrets was something she considered herself spectacularly adept in. “i can too!” wordlessly, peyton hoisted her hips up to sit on the counter next to the girl— it was not like her to do so without permission but it seemed unnecessary, somehow, to ask. “like i totally won’t tell her that i even sat here right now because i know she’ll get jealous so easily.”

     oh, now she had caught millie’s attention. plentiful and aching though they might have been, her injuries were all but forgotten, hands coming to rest in her lap as she sat a little taller, posture not unlike that of a student hoping to impress. “no?” her eyes shone with the unbridled opportunity of the moment. “does she get jealous when you talk to other girls? are you sure you’re not dating?”

[okaykowalski-blog]

isaacsays:

shit. it had been his fault entirely for the lapse of attention in forgetting— with her sitting by his side they were bursts of time, short as they have come in seconds, where it felt like they were sitting in high school with their hands up each others’ shirts. stunned, it was instinct and instinct alone that moved him to rub a thumb along the underside of her lashes, concerned. “there is no point. there doesn’t need to be.” did that make sense? he thought so. “it just feels wrong to get rid of it.”

     his touch seemed to burn and part of her wished that it had – wished that he had left a swipe of pink beneath her lashes to validate the internal ache that the graze of his thumb had left in its wake as it caught the moisture threatening to fall. “it feels wrong to get rid of it but you won’t wear it.” punctuated with a sniffle, millie pulled another blueberry from the bag in her lap and rolled it gently towards the turtle. try as she might to keep her emotions under control, in that moment she felt a little like a pot liable to boil over. “–– and you didn’t even want me to come in.”

[okaykowalski-blog]

peytondid:

“yes, but that’s not why i asked.” the casualty with which she delivered that statement was a sharp contrast to the rest of her stumbling speech. peyton was out and proud when it came to her affection for boys and girls alike but the rest— (experience, compliments, literally everything)— was not quite up to that level of confidence.  “i just thought she’d have told me, you know?”

     well, colour her surprised. with little more than flustered fumbling to go off of, millie had wasted no time in assuming that peyton would be another pink-cheeked innocent to exploit and it had not occurred to her in the least that she might have done more than kiss a friend after one too many smirnoff ices let alone proclaim as much with the unwavering confidence that she had just displayed. “maybe she thinks you can’t keep a secret.”