okay-tumbler

[okay-tumbler]

Well, I didn't eat today. I didn't exercise today. I didn't do anything. I got too depressed...

[okay-tumbler]

Day 9 of the challenge. Once again, I don't have time for a picture.

Calories and protein so far:

Eggs (60) 12g

We just won't talk about what happened after that. Let's just say I went out to dinner and I don't feel so well...

[okay-tumbler]

Day 8 of the Chloe Ting challenge! No picture today, but whatever.

Calories and protein so far:

Protein shake (160) 30g

Egg whites (60) 12g

Veggie dumplings (160) 4g

Fettuccine Alfredo (250) 11g

Chocolate (80)

Blueberries (34)

Yogurt cube (12)

Whipped cream cup (35)

Whipped cream (10)

Total: 804 calories 57/45g protein

[okay-tumbler]

Day 7: active rest day! One week down. One more to go!

Calories so far:

Protein shake (160) 30g

Yogurt cube (12)

Burrito (280) 11g

Frittata (80) 4g

Protein chips (140) 20g

Chocolate (130)

Kiwi (45)

Blueberries (30)

Total: 877 calories 65/45g protein

[okay-tumbler]

Okay, so I went to the store to try and make a few low calorie sweet snacks, but I was hungry when I went. I got everything home and started making them (bc they had to be frozen). When I was finished, I licked the remaining off of my fingers and licked some yogurt off of a spoon and now I have no desire to eat. Like, I couldn't have consumed more than 20 calories (that's over estimating by quite a bit). I mean, yeah, I also had some water, but I have no desire to make dinner and I was pretty excited for what I had planned. Wtf?

[okay-tumbler]

Real body check now that I got dressed for once!

[okay-tumbler]

Day 6, let's go!

Calories so far:

Protein shake (110) 12g

Tofu (180) 28g

Mushrooms (50)

Butter (45)

Blueberries (40)

Pudding (35)

Kiwi (45)

Chocolate (130)

Total: 590 calories 40/45g

[okay-tumbler]

Day 5 of my challenge. I forgot to take a picture, but oh well. I did still do the workouts.

Calories so far:

Protein shake (160) 30g

Vegan steak slices (120) 15g

Tofu (81) 8g

Veggie dumplings (160) 5g

Brussel sprouts (130) 8g

Blueberries (74)

Kiwi (45)

Chocolate (130)

Total: 900 cals and 66/45g protein

[okay-tumbler]

Day 4 active rest day! I'll be going to the gym later, but I'm way less sore today!!

Calories so far:

Protein shake (160) 30g

Pasta (285) 16g

Chocolate (130)

Kiwi (45)

Blueberries (44)

Total: 664 cals 46/45g protein

[okay-tumbler]

I want to make a post about something really quickly. Kind of a TED Talk, if you will, on my biggest anti-binging tip. It is, quite literally, eating your cravings!

I follow a dietitian on YouTube named Abby Sharp and I love her videos. Before anyone says anything about her past with orthorexia, I want to make it clear that I genuinely watch her videos for educational purposes because they don't trigger that ana voice. Half of the time, I'm watching her while eating and her videos give me a lot of insight on what recovery will entail for me personally.

Anyways, away from the disclaimer. I see on my feed all the time this scenario:

I'm really craving a cookie. Instead of eating cookies I'll have a granola bar instead because I can't just eat one cookie. Damn, it didn't work and now the craving is worse. Good thing I have sugar free candy! I binged...

This is what Abby calls the "satisfaction hunt". I have heard her talk about it in so many videos. Eventually, I gave it a try. I won't say I don't binge anymore, but one craving no longer leads me into a full binge. Basically, when we try to tip toe around our cravings, we end up consuming more trying to chase that satisfaction than if we had just given into a serving of the craving in the first place. I do want to stress A SERVING. Whatever feels comfortable to you.

This is why if you look at my personal calorie diaries, I often include ice cream (even non diet ones), pasta, mashed potatoes, and other foods that a lot of the community deems "fear foods". I'm currently working on ELIMINATING fear foods.

Why? Because when we say a food is "bad" it creates novelty with that food. Now it's a special food and we crave it because we "can't have it". This is a reason why having "cheats days" is actually detrimental to weight loss! When we give ourselves one day to eat all of those foods we've been craving, it reinforces the idea that some foods are good and some foods are bad. The thing is, moderation is the key to weight loss.

I had pasta today and it was FANTASTIC! I love pasta. It is my favorite food. Now, I've had an eating disorder for 6 years. In those 6 years, I made pasta a "no" or would only let myself have frozen pasta meals less than 300kcals. Because of this, cravings for pasta would lead to 3,000 kcal binges and ruin my progress. Since adding pasta into my diet, I haven't binged on it once!

At the same time, I want to talk about something else, making those cravings not only emotionally satisfying, but physically satisfying too. Pasta in itself is not filling for me. Most of the time when I do eat it, I just have a low calorie tomato sauce with it. Today, I threw in some ground tofu in the mix. It only added 55kcals to the meal, but I'm still satisfied 4 hours later.

Another reason why you should start eliminating fear foods and figuring out ways to add them back into your diet is to help you out later. One of my biggest fears with recovery is gaining all of the weight back or more. When I was 17 I was forced into recovery with the threat of being kicked out of my parents' house. I developed a binge disorder and not only gained all the weight back, but 30lbs extra. I'd never been medically overweight, but suddenly I was. When I decide to recover, I want it to be successful the first time for my future wife, children, and myself.

It all goes back to destroying the idea of novelty with your favorite foods. When people recover from restrictive eating disorders, they typically binge all of the foods they wouldn't let themselves have instead of working on restoring hunger cues and healing their bodies and brains. This will further hurt your metabolism. Our metabolisms are already shit! We are already furthering our chances of severe stomach problems. Developing a binge disorder only shocks your metabolism more and is not restoring it.

Personally, I set goals for myself. My latest one was mashed potatoes and I did it. Yes, I used a packaged pre-measured-servings cup with a comfortable calorie count printed on the label, but I still did it. I've defeated that fear food. My next goals are chocolate, avocado, and cheese.

My next step for eliminating binging (as much as someone who restricts can) is ending all or nothing thinking with food. If I go to a restaurant and get a veggie burger, the restricting is over. I binge. That's a post for another time though.

[okay-tumbler]

Day 3 of this fucking challenge. Today was the worst by far. I thought I was dying. Anyways, here are today's body checks.

My bloat has gone down a little which is nice.

Calories and protein so far:

Protein shake (160) 30g

Vegan steak slices (120) 15g

Tofu pasta (415) 21g

Ice cream (100)

Total: 795 cals and 66/45 g protein

[okay-tumbler]

Calories and protein today:

120 oz water

Protein shake (110) 12g

Protein water (70) 15g

Tofu (120) 12g

Mashed potatoes (180) 3g

Dumplings (160) 4g

Total: 640 cals 46/45g protein

So, I didn't realize there was caffeine in the water, so I'm riding out over caffeination trying not to have a panic attack because it has about 1.5x the caffeine in a monster and I don't drink a lot of caffeine. Now I don't feel hungry at all and can barely walk, but I know I need to eat something today or I'll binge tomorrow. Fuck!

[okay-tumbler]

Okay, I'm now posting my day 2 results even though it is 11 am bc I haven't eaten yet and I feel better posting when I am less bloated despite how lovely and kind everyone has been about my body. I would like to start posting them before I've had a protein shake or done the workout bc intense cardio and strength workouts create bloat bc there's water in your muscles and it makes me feel gross! For some reason I'm a little bloated, but it's fine... My body does that a lot. One day I can see my ribs, the next I no longer have a flat stomach. Bellies are weird.

[okay-tumbler]

Calories and protein today!

Protein shake (140)

Tofu (120)

Green beans (70)

Mashed potatoes (180) (worth it!)

Protein chips (140)

Total: 630 cals

Total: 58.5/45!

I excelled at my protein and I could have eaten less, but the mashed potatoes were really the only thing I didn't need (the chips were to up the protein), but they were so good!

[okay-tumbler]

Officially day one of the Chloe Ting challenge! It kicked my ass, but it... Wasn't that bad? Like, it hurt, but pain isn't a big deal for me. Despite it being a 30 min workout, but went by pretty fast. I fell a lot, but I didn't take a lot of breaks and I'm proud of myself for that. I also physically couldn't do some and had to substitute a move that engaged the same muscle, but hopefully in 13 days I can do all of them! It might have helped if I wasn't slipping around because I couldn't find my yoga mat...

Anyways, I'm going to take an epsom salt bath for my muscles. Here are the pictures directly after the workout (and yes, I'm wearing the same thing I was yesterday).

[okay-tumbler]

So, I've decided I'm going to try the Chloe Ting 2021 2week shred starting tomorrow. I'll go ahead and post my before results and my goal is to post a body check everyday so I can see a cool progression thing. I've seen people have amazing results (especially girls who are on the smaller side like myself). This might take more than 14 days, but we'll see.

This is all for me, but you're more than welcome to follow along this journey.

Goal 1: don't binge on this challenge (my calories may go up a couple hundred, but that's okay!)

Goal 2: if I do binge, still don't skip the workout

Goal 3: lose a few cm on my waist (lbs aren't necessary bc muscle weighs more than fat)

Goal 4: eat the amount of protein recommended for my body (45g on high intensity workouts)

Goal 5: get stronger because I'm starting a very active job as a welder and I don't want to constantly ask for help picking things up.

Things I need to do:

1: grab protein shakes (they have banana ones for 160 cals and they have 30g of protein!! Besides, I struggle to finish a whole shake since my stomach has shrunk? Shank? Shrunken?)

2: buy more tofu. It has the most protein for the least calories and I can make a very filling meal for under 300cals by adding a can of green beans or other veggies. (Also, the different flavors keeps the meals interesting!) I don't want tofu to be my main protein source as that will fuck with my estrogen levels and my period is coming up. (That's the main reason I don't eat a lot of protein. I'm a vegetarian, but excess soy causes so many medical issues)

3.) Get a new yoga mat. Mine is very thin and since losing weight, my spine sticks out quite a lot and sit ups or other things where I have to be around my tail bone area hurt very badly or are not possible because my tail bone simply won't let me roll part it (it gets stuck on the mat), but I've tried thicker ones and my tail bone is fine!

4: find all my work out clothes. The depression room has gotten BAD.

Anyways, here are my day 0 pictures. Please keep in mind, I had a large meal and a shit ton of water before taking this, so I'm quite bloated.

115lbs 5'3

Waist: 28" hips: 33.5" thighs: 20" arms: 9" butt: 36.5"

Calories for the day:

80 oz water (0)

Dumplings (160)

Sauce (25)

Green beans (70)

Tofu (220)

Total: 475

[okay-tumbler]

Returning to Tumblr because why not. To be clear, I took a break from tumblr. I did not recover (sadly) and relapse.