octoberuwu

[octoberuwu]

im here back looking for comfort. Well, im in grade 10 doing a very important exam which will determine my future and which collage i go into and the pressure is high. There is so much competition but such less motivation. Not cuz im not eating well, im eating so much better than ever before. I regret a lot of things ngl but thats aside. im more worried about my school life. Im weird, not like in a querky way i think i suck at understanding social norms and not even in an asutestic way, im just dumb tbh or maybe i never really had the right environment to learn it well. that aside, so i don't know personal space and i flirt joke a lot with my friends which make people pull away from me and im just so worried about not fitting in. . .and i also. . .am very weird cuz when i get happy im just in people's faces and trying to get their attetion. . .im like a kid on crack and also an obsesse freak. . .i get obssessed easily and all this apparently makes me the weird kid in school now and it just fucking sucks. Am i wierd or the poepel around are weird BRUH. Trust me im just annoying and honestly its kinda hard. . .but im relearning things and it takes time

[octoberuwu]

It's not stupid it made my day!

shimp

[octoberuwu]

a little rant

i feel like i need to get few things off my chest rn

today during my language class i embarrassed myself. . .my anger got out of hand and i almost smashed my book on the table infornt of my teacher qwq we sat down a talked a little and told about how i shouldn't get angry like that and what my parents do are for the good and are actually trying to teach me. i don't think she really understands 'i do things i regret when angry' (quite litreally the definition of acting without thinking) i really need to do something about my anger, if i continue i might actually be kicked out my school and might never have a stable job in the future. the problem is i literally don't fucking know where to even start like im lost. i want to get better. just apologizing won't make my stupid anger go im litreally fucking stupid here. i wish i could just go back in time and smack the living shit outta me tbh i really need to get my shit together bruh

im also not really doing too well in school and test. . .like im reading but one thing is for sure im not working hard enough if that makes any fucking sense. im practically learning in school (idk if i really am cuz half the time im just zoned the fuck out) and i come back and go to tution that would be from 4:30 - 8:00 and i come back and do as much homework as physically possible and the results are literally disappointing bruh

am i not learning well or is it im not learning the right way or am i too zoned out. . .what the actual fuck is happening. If im learning so much i should be acing the test and not be getting 9.5 out of 15 bruh thats disappointing. it's 63.33%!!! I SHOULD BE GETTING 90 AT THE VERY LEAST!

i need to at least get 85% this tests that i have in 4 days! and i have a shit ton of homework i need to do as they are for internals but i can't seem to concentrate. that's my problem my entire god damn life and it just doesn't seem to go at all and also the whole thing that happened today is just killing me from the inside. im so sick of people thinking im like above average when i struggling to even keep my head above water. "she has so much potential" potential my ass please. its not going to change if that potential is literally non existent. Im eating very well ok so its not my past ed that existed lemme just clear that out. i swear to god if i don't at least get 85% in my tests i might as well drop out and save the pain the money

[octoberuwu]

an update kinda thing

from the last time i was active there have been quite a lot of changes. My offline schools have started I don't really starve myself, if i do it's like for 3 days and then i eat normally and then back for another 2 days or so. i found a "friend" who also self harms and they told me if i do cut myself ever again they'd kill me and then themselves which idc if i die or they die. . .it's hard to accept anyone from my class especially the girls cuz they treated me like absolute shit few years ago. I can't just forget it and act like nothing fucking happened. She seems like but idk. Plus, i don't really feel the urge to cut myself and if i do it's only on my writs cuz i can see the blood? idk it feels more like home there. I also recently went to an abandoned house very fun ngl. Ive been getting angry quite easily which sucks cuz i end up breaking shit qwqqqq i literally broke my favourite cup help. I can't keep living like this qwqqq other than that i got my hands on some tobacco which ive been smoking a little recently. My schools have been kinda stressful but ive been studying a lot to not think too much about things and it makes me feel productive which is more important, at least im not lazing around the house the whole day and im forced to do things. Ive been doing pretty good in my head which is good. I do get sad easily but that's just teenage hormones ig idk welp other than that im all ok

[octoberuwu]

OMFG cats!!! They deserve the world to be very honest! Animals deserve love <3

[octoberuwu]

Soup ✨ I am banned from drinking soup but ain't nothing going to stop me bitch!!!

[octoberuwu]

[octoberuwu]

yes, all XD so um, not only my dad or mom but my grandmom too. well, granny bullied me for my weight when I thought I was finally free. . .my mom kinda did. . .but it doesn't matter. My dad told me that i am NEVER supposed hear rock, metal or emo cuz it'll give my anger issues. . .well, it's not trauma XD i am safe. Interests. . .not really but my granny was mad that i like snakes. . .so not everything so eh. . .and my friends. . .my granny and dad forbid to talk to quite a few friends but hey. . .they kinda did good but also not.

[octoberuwu]

Hey, you can <3 I'll try my best to be there for you

REBLOG IF ITS OKAY TO TALK TO YOU.

Please.

[octoberuwu]

TW self harm scars. Don't see it if it's gonna trigger you please, it might be tempting but don't

I want to get this as a tattoo, I night soon. The mountains are mighty and home is the safe place and the heart is for love cuz in the end all we need is a little more kindness to ourselves

[octoberuwu]

SAME! why did I post that. . .well, I would like to explore the abandon house next to mine. Cycle as far as my feet can take me and of course! drink a lot of coffee~

I want to do rebellious shit right now!!!!

[octoberuwu]

My mom when she hears me curse

[octoberuwu]

It's been. . .365days + 31x4 + 30x2+ 29= 550days (probably, my math sucks) of staying at home. . .I believe all those kids out there who are still kids and haven't yet had the chance to do something feel like their childhood is stolen. . .I am one of those kids. If you feel I am blaming others, no I am not. We are in this together and go out together. The pandemic will leave a mark on us forever and nothing can be done about that. The teens out there, I say teens because the teenager years are the most important years. The world will get better and it slowly is, people's lives have been lost and unfortunately nothing can be done. . .life is sometimes very unfair. I am sorry for you loss. . .hope we all can heal from this <3

[octoberuwu]

hehe same. . .IT'S THE SAME! being an Indian with parents constantly telling you to lose weight and then asked to eat 1000cal meal is just frustrating. . .and I am not even allowed to go on a diet. . .WTF!? they want me to "work out"

HOW!? I am! god, fuck!!! I AM! oof-

Honestly, having an Indian family is having them tell you about your unhealthy habits and how fat you are but then feeding you like 1000cal meals. Like... what did you expect? 😑

[octoberuwu]

The other day when I was telling my dad about my grandma fat shaming me, even tho I have told about this a million times. He scolded my grandma and tells me "so what if you are fat" and I did want to try and tell him it's not about being fat it's about feeling like you need to change if you want to be loved but he interrupted me so yeah. . .i hope he somehow reads this and how "no one's gonna love you if you don't change" changed into "you can never be loved, that'll never change". I do understand people are not perfect and we just gotta accept them and live on but sometimes you shouldn't because they kept repeating it even after you told them to stop and suddenly they are the victim. . .

[octoberuwu]

To all my MCR fans who are students <3

This beautiful playlist, BEAUTIFUL!!!

Totally gonna use it when I am studying <3

[octoberuwu]

Check out my friend singing >w<

https://www.quotev.com/Taekookstan27

By, https://www.quotev.com/Taekookstan27