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OCD Journal Entry (Hope and Resilience)

Hello, I am a 25 year old living with OCD (been through hospitalizations, behavioral health programs, support group, medication, the whole lot). I am here to tell you that we are worth fighting for and loving ourselves is the (one of the) biggest healer. Here is a journal entry I wrote and wanted to share. It is about mindfulness (so difficult for us folks, and THAT is OKAY) and expansion. I hope you can relate and gain something from this, if it isn't just love. From me to you. We got this.

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Today was great. Slow, steady, well-paced. Staying present, so much calmer. Still healing, and so committed. If I could tell me younger self, or anyone, who was so injured, bruised and haunted by depression, I would let them know that healing does not look like what you think it may look like.

It probably has a hundred different faces.

But, I know what it looks like to me, and I know, most importantly, how it feels.

It is acceptance.

Acceptance of it all. I mean all of it. The thoughts, the discomfort, the panic that sets in, but none of the fire and the burn. The burn came from resistance.

My fear of pain made things more painful.

And so often, pain can become so addictive we either think we deserve it so we punish ourselves, or worse, we conjure it up and inflict it to remind us of the cycles that we know, and the conditions that know us best.

We are afraid of change, and our darkness had become our safety.

I believe that is depression: complete darkness and a strong sense of (false) safety.

I believe this is freedom: complete acceptance of light and dark, and the strength that is gained from taking healthy risks.

A few healthy risks:

Healing

Self love

Self acceptance

Self forgiveness

Commitment

I will hold this with me for life:

Would you rather feel the pain of living your past?

… Or the pain of changing for your future?

I am blessed to have been given the challenges I have faced in my young years of life, my young adulthood. It is truly a gift to learn from mistakes, from the harshness of the uncontrollable world, of health challenges, of love and loss, and of self discovery.

At the age of 25, I thought I would never get out of this pit. Or fog, rather, because a “pit” has a depression (pardon the pun) that can be perceived, measured, and overcome with precision, some plan, and some gusto.

But, my depression was a fog, that shrouded me in such thick grays I was afraid to reach out, because I was worried my outstretched hands could not touch any pit or distance to be measured. And my fear would become real, would become fated: this darkness has no end, and I have no exit plan, and no chance of getting out.

Depression is me standing still, clutching my body because it's the only thing that feels like life. But, risk … risk is me reaching out with my feet following afterwards, uncaring about the possible answer that might be met. Risk is me using this one thing that I know to be living (myself, my body) and finding a way “out” by letting myself and love “in.”

It is self love, self discovery, patience, forgiveness, pauses, moments, and movements forward. This energy, when concentrated inwards, into the thing that contains life, contains energy, will inherently output light.

And with your own lantern you begin to realize that this fog is not only bearable and can be overcome, but that the way forward (and in all directions) is endless expanse asking you, welcoming you, and encouraging you to move beyond.

This is stepping out of depression.

This is healing.

Earlier last month in June of 2024. My support group buddy introduced me to someone with a lot of wisdom to share. They, too, told me something that I will hold with me forever.

Love your demons, because they are trying to teach you something.

It is a risk to move beyond depression and towards healing. It, too, is a major health risk to repeat patterns of distress, disturbed sleep, disrupted eating habits, absence of exercise, and absence of laughter and love.

Staying in the past only predicts your future to be one in the same.

Healing and approaching a new life is pain as well, the kind you feel when you ache from growth. Regenerative bone and muscular tissue.

Your reward is a new vessel of life (mind, body, soul) that is living proof of persistence and the power to overcome.

With every new life, the birth is one of pain.

And the pain presents birth.

To be alive is to be life. Experience all emotions and thoughts.

Without judgment.

The way forward is not a set, linear path.

The way forward is acceptance and risk …

… and my god, it is love.

[ocd-sucks-dude]

Would anyone want free art?

Hello, I am 25 and live with OCD and depression. It's been like this for most of my life.

In an effort to break out of a three year home-stuck depressive episode, I am connecting to my artistic side.

Would anyone want free art / t-shirts / printed poetry on topics of mental illness (with a flavor of positivity and resilience of course)?

I want to extend my story, compassion, and gratitude for others in our communities that suffer and who need to be heard and seen for just how magnificent we truly are, despite what our demons say.

DM me for any questions or suggestions.

Love to you all, take great care and be brave.