obsessedwithreadingandwriting

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And what do you do as you get older?

What do you do with all that death surrounding you?

Do you write it down on a tally sheet until you run out of paper?

Do you carry every single one in your heart until the darkness overwhelms it?

What do you do with all that death you'll encounter in your lifetime?

Because I certainly have no idea

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Made it. It was fine.

Random ramblings about my Iife #10

I have an eye exam on Tuesday and honestly I'm terrified.

Sometimes I really do hate having keratoconus.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Random ramblings about my Iife #10

I have an eye exam on Tuesday and honestly I'm terrified.

Sometimes I really do hate having keratoconus.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Today I celebrate.

Because today I'm still here.

And honestly that calls for a celebration once in a while.

Because there were times when I thought I wouldn't make it for even another day.

So today I celebrate.

Because today I'm still here.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

He was acting interested again and that's what confused her the most. Because hadn't he rejected her just weeks prior?

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Random ramblings about my Iife #9

I downloaded a dating app again. Not because I actually want a relationship (my aromantic ass says hello) but because I'm bored.

So freaking bored.

I know I know it's not the best or healthiest reason to start dating again but it's my reason. Boredom is my reason.

And no I'm not unhappy. I have a nice paying job that I like. I have friends I trust. I have a community surrounding me. I'm content. And yet I'm bored.

Maybe it's because I've been content for too long. Without any major hiccups in my life I suppose I really did get used to all the positive aspects. I suppose I did grow weary and bored.

Or maybe it's some form of winter depression. Maybe I'm lacking dopamine and what I'm feeling is actually listlessness. Who the fuck knows?

Whatever it is I need excitement. I need serotonin. So I'm sorry to whomever is unlucky enough to match with me in advance. Pretty sure I won't love you. But I was bored.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Dear Brother,

fine, do whatever you want. I don't care, not anymore. I've been waiting on you to make promises that you'll break anyways.

But I'm done. I'm done with all of this.

But don't expect me to help you once you'll inevitably turn back to me. And you will. I know you will.

Because I've raised you, I've been your therapist, your guide despite the fact that I'm the younger sister. I've always been there for you.

But you've never seen that. So let's see how you'll fare once my support is actually gone.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"And maybe, maybe Disney and stories have ruined me", she tells him, sighing. "Maybe my father was right when he told me not to stick my nose into all of those books. That they didn't teach me anything of value, that I was wasting my time."

He looks at her a little surprised by the sudden outburst. "What a cruel thing to say", he says. "What a horrible way to ruin someone's hobby."

She smiles at him. Amused and sad at the same time. No one had ever acknowledged that her father had ruined her favorite past time. "But what if he was right?", she asks. "Because, honestly, all I want is that fairytale romance. That romance where you're sure that this is your person without even knowing them. That romance where you meet them, sing a song and get married. End of story. All I want is to be sure. To have a story with purpose. With an end. All I want is to be a protagonist."

She sighs. "But instead I'm a side character. Stumbling through life. Without any certainty, any purpose. Because life offers neither of those things. And I know, I knew that's all of us. But all those books taught me differently. They spoke of heroines, of plot points that would lead somewhere. Of hardships that had purpose and meaning. Of internal happiness simply if you got to the end of the story."

She shakes her head. "Maybe I just wish there was a book showing what happens after the marriage, after the last page is turned. A book that acknowledges that happiness is never eternal. That the prince and princess will still fight and doubt. That life often doesn't have a meaning but is simply an existence. But how boring would that story be? What a cruel way that would be to ruin someone's hobby."

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And I long for the days of my childhood. When I would spend my afternoons curled up on the couch watching Lord of the Rings with my brother.

Before the rift between us got too big.

I long for the those magical Christmases rushing home from church, giddy and excited to see what we've got.

Before adulthood took that magic away.

I long for winters that were colder, snowier when we'd drive down the street to go skiing or sledding at the neighboring hill.

Before climate change stole all the snow away.

And I long for Decembers that were simpler, less stressful when we'd hours each day crafting Christmas decorations and baking cooking.

Before work occupied all those weeks and days.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And honestly I just need you to be okay. Because if you are maybe there's still hope for me.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

She passed him with her bike on the way home. It had been almost three weeks since she'd last seen him. A work trip and a holiday keeping her away. But like a figment of her own subconscious betraying her he stood there on the road as she paddled past.

And honestly she would've missed him. Would've not seen him there in the dim light he with his dark jacket on. Plus, she was always blind to people she passed when she rode her bike.

But like a stupid plot point out of a romance novel. He saw her. And he made it known. Loudly. Clearly. Waving at her, shouting at her. And smiling. Smiling genuinely and bright. As if he'd missed her in those past three weeks. And maybe some part of her thought, well okay, hoped he had.

Because she had. Oh how much she had. She'd not even noticed how much until she passed him. Right there on her bike with that enthusiastic wave of his hand that warmed her heart. With that smile on his face that caused her to smile back.

Fuck, she was in trouble. This guy was trouble.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And I spend my days reading because reality is too harsh to face

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"Living?", he laughs at her ridiculous suggestions. The sound is scratchy in his throat. It's unpracticed and so, so sarcastic.

"We do not live, honey", he clarifies once he's calmed down. "We are all but surviving."

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"So what do you wish for?", he asked and she almost had to laugh at that question. What did she wish for? The better question would've been what didn't she wish for? Because God, oh God there were so many things.

"I wish life didn't inevitably lead to death", she wanted to say. "I wish I didn't live to work."

She wanted to tell him how sometimes when she read she wished she was the main character of her own stupid story. So she could skip a few pages, know the outcome and see for herself if it was all for it.

"I wish my best friend wasn't moving away, wish she wasn't another person abandoning me", she wanted to say. "I wish I was for once someone's top priority. And I wish I didn't have commitment issues so I could actually enjoy being someone's priority."

"I wish I didn't have childhood trauma. I wish my Mama had told me she loves me more. And I wish my brother wasn't a stupid asshole."

All that she wanted to say. But it would've been too much. It was always too much. She was always too much. So she simply shrugged and said: "I don't know. Happiness, maybe? Never thought about it too much."

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Dear future me,

I spent a week and a half in executive dysfunction.

Dishes piling up in the sink, molding away.

A suitcase from a weekend trip still full of dirty clothes, waiting to be washed.

The dry laundry in a basket on the floor and the rest still hanging in the cellar, begging me to clear it away.

The fridge empty and devoid of food, asking me to fill it.

I spent a week scraping by.

Avoiding any glance into the kitchen because I could not bare to see the dirty, moldy dishes glaring at me.

Walking in the cellar every morning to get one pair of clean underwear because even sorting one piece of clothing into my closet felt too much.

Restricting food intake to get by on the scrapes in my house because I could not summon the energy to go grocery shopping.

I spent a week and half in executive dysfunction.

I spent two days in bed, sick off from work.

That's the reality of my life sometimes.

When the depression hits. When the dark hole has me again.

It isn't pretty.

I won't lie it feels rather shitty. And lonely. And isolating.

And so so hopeless.

It feels as though the dishes will never get washed.

The laundry will never be put away.

The fridge will never be filled again.

But they are.

And it will.

And it is.

It took a week and half.

To get out of this headspace. To finally have energy again. To finally not feel this hopeless. To be able to start somewhere, move myself through the tasks.

And it took three days to complete them.

But it did.

Just like I always do.

And because I know I will this again. Because I know the dark hole will have me. Here's to future me:

You got this.

Take your time.

Have that week and half of executive dysfunction.

Don't beat yourself.

Life is hard enough as it is.

And one day you will have energy again.

You will get up and live life and not just scrape by.

It may take a week and half.

But you will do it.

Just like you always have.

Hugs,

Yourself

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And the truth is when they teach you history in school the outcome is always so obvious.

Of course the execution of Crown Prince Franz Ferdinand led to World War One.

Of course the breakdown of the Weimar Republic led to the Nazi Regime.

The truth is when they teach history in school you want to jump through the schools and scream at the people.

Scream at them to look out. To see how they're heading straight for disaster. Because isn't it obvious that they are? Are they blind that they don't see?

But the truth is it's not.

Because history is happening now and I have no idea what lies ahead.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Jumping from crises to crises for the past eight years

Everyday another doomsday

And honestly I'm tired

I'm so exhausted I cannot bring myself to care

Cannot bring myself to feel any emotion

Cannot bring myself to be afraid

So what if the world burns?

I'm tired

So I say let it burn

So what if a extremist right wing party in this country currently rides at 16 percent of votes?

I'm exhausted

So I say so be it

So what if one of the most influential countries votes for a racist, sexist asshole of a president?

I'm drained

So I say vote for him

Because I don't care

I cannot bring myself to care

And that may be the scariest fact of them all