obsessedwithreadingandwriting

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And the truth is when they teach you history in school the outcome is always so obvious.

Of course the execution of Crown Prince Franz Ferdinand led to World War One.

Of course the breakdown of the Weimar Republic led to the Nazi Regime.

The truth is when they teach history in school you want to jump through the schools and scream at the people.

Scream at them to look out. To see how they're heading straight for disaster. Because isn't it obvious that they are? Are they blind that they don't see?

But the truth is it's not.

Because history is happening now and I have no idea what lies ahead.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Jumping from crises to crises for the past eight years

Everyday another doomsday

And honestly I'm tired

I'm so exhausted I cannot bring myself to care

Cannot bring myself to feel any emotion

Cannot bring myself to be afraid

So what if the world burns?

I'm tired

So I say let it burn

So what if a extremist right wing party in this country currently rides at 16 percent of votes?

I'm exhausted

So I say so be it

So what if one of the most influential countries votes for a racist, sexist asshole of a president?

I'm drained

So I say vote for him

Because I don't care

I cannot bring myself to care

And that may be the scariest fact of them all

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And it feels like I've been running. Running and running for days, weeks, months.

Every weekend another fight. Every day another disaster.

And I'm searching for the stop sign. But there is no break.

Just more running without any goals.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Random ramblings about my #8

A huge fight within my family has started. It's my parents against my brother. Or my brother against my parents. Whichever way you want to see it.

Fact is I'm just a bystander and yet I feel like I'm in the middle of it. Caught in the crossfire of accusations both true and completely made up.

It's exhausting and yet I can't help but notice that even if I wish things were more peaceful right now, at least we do still fight. At least we care enough about each other to butt heads. Not everyone can say that about their families.

But us: even though all of us are grown up, are on our own path, we make sure to see each other at least once a month. We all have busy schedules, but we month after month we carve out a weekend to talk and share tea.

And that's something I will forever be grateful for. For a family that fights. For a family that has crises. For a family that cares enough to fight. Because a family that doesn't communicate, a family that doesn't care cannot fight.

(Just so you know: My parents are totally in the right here. My brother - and I say that as someone who will go through fire for that weirdo - is acting very much like an entitled, self-absorbed brat. We'll see how long it takes till he figures that out, I'm certain he'll get there, he's just a bit slow sometimes.)

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

I think I'm someone else inside your head

I think you made up a person in your mind

And I get

I did the same thing more than once before

Imagining a person, a perfect specimen, that fulfills all my needs

Someone to love me

Someone without any flaws

Someone unreal

Someone I've never met before

And never will

I think I'm someone else inside your head

I think you made up a person in your mind

And I don't blame you

I did the same thing more than once before

I'm just asking to give me grace, to not be disappointed

When you find out

I'm not perfect

I am flawed

I might not be everything you've ever wanted

You've ever hoped for

And I never will be

I think I'm someone else inside your head

I think you made up a person in your mind

And it doesn't mean

That you and I could never work that I am opposed to showing you the real me

But just be aware

I am not the girl that you created in your mind

I am just me

With all my faults

And imperfections

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

My mind is a paradox

I act real confident

But inside I'm always panicking

I will say what comes to my mind

But once I'm alone I'll rethink every word

I say I'm best on my own

But feel left out when I'm not invited

My mind is a paradox

Others would call it a living hell

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

He was a walking red flag

A warning sign attached to the highest pole

He was nothing but toxic

A catastrophe in human form

She knew that

She was aware

He had a girlfriend and yet was flirting with her

He had exes who described the worst kind of treatment

And yet for some reason

She couldn't stay away

Couldn't stop looking at him

Like an car wreck you cannot pull your eyes from

She wanted to ruin herself

She wanted a reason to legimtize the hurt she was feeling

And he was right there

In all of his walking red flag glory

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And predictably with the weather worsening her mood improved

Until the cycle would inevitably repeat itself next summer

Oh the joy of seasonal affective disorder

And predictably everyone looked at her like she was crazy

When she told them she didn't like summer and preferred the fall

Oh the fun of having it reversed

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

We held hands yesterday.

Out of stupid reasons.

But I still think about that.

Right now. Hours later.

How mine fit perfectly into yours.

How your callused skin felt against mine.

How your grip was strong and protective.

How I didn't want to let go.

We held hands yesterday.

Out of stupid reasons.

But I still think about that.

Right now. Hours later.

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And no I don't have a crush on him.

And no I'm still not capable of romantic attraction.

But I'm lonely.

And I'm bored.

And he is nice.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Growing up I was determined to find my home

I thought if I'd just moved often enough then surely I would stumble across it

Like some magical thing sprouting from the earth

It took me years to realize

A home cannot be found

A home is made

You make it by surrounding yourself with people you love

You make it by turning the place you stay at into the place you live at piece by piece

You make it by choosing to feel at home

To feel at home is a choice that you make every single day

Just like feeling happy is

It isn't always easy

Believe me, sometimes it is so tempting to feel lost, unmoored

But the choice is always yours

You can feel at home wherever you are

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

A study in the fragility of the average white male's ego

He says "I have reached my goal: To make you nervous."

Notice how she, the only grown up female close to his age is the recipient of this sentence?

That is a classic strike of the average white male.

For he has zeroed in and noted two things: The woman is confident and smarter than him.

And he cannot tolerate that in his periphery.

A confident, smart woman is a threat to the average white male's in world order in which he is the one who explains things to the dainty female.

It is even worse if said woman is even remotely attractive and not interested in him, the average white male.

That is when this species resorts to tools like misogyny and micro aggressions in order to undermine the confidence of the female.

Classic tactics include but are not limited to: unnecessary comments about her appearance, excessive remarks about mistakes the female has made in the past, general asshole behavior.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And sometimes the writer could feel herself going insane

Her mind deteriorating

Her sense of reality slipping

Her madness pouring through her fingers

As she filled blank page after blank page with meaningless words that only made sense to her

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Remember when we were children

We used to laugh and play

Everyday was a new adventure

Now we're couped up in our office jobs waiting for the clock to strike five

Remember when we were children

We used to get bored on rainy days

Stuck in our rooms for the afternoon

Now we're happy if we get more than a few minutes of break for a change

Remember when we were children

We used to read a lot of books

Getting lost in another story every other day

Now we scroll through TikTok too mentally exhausted to do much else

Remember when we were children

We used to long for nothing more than being grown up

Now we wish nothing more than to have those good old days back

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

On Wednesday it started to rain and it wouldn't stop for the next five days.

The rain drops would pour down relentlessly, dropping on the earth in an ever steady beat.

It was a rhythm the girl could get used to. Drip. Drip. Drip. Like a metronome, steady and predictable.

Until it wasn't.

Until the water got too much filling up the streams and rivers till they pushed at their banks.

On Sunday they finally spilled over.

A murky, mighty wave making its way through town causing an awe-inspiring, terrible destruction in its wake.

The girl watched as it tore trees from their roots and caused houses to topple over as if they were off nothing more than thin, white paper.

And then the water was gone. Just as quickly as it had come.

They cleaned up the sludge, rebuilt the houses. And the girl like everybody else.

Until another Wednesday brought the rain and would stop for the next five days.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

She fell first but he fell harder

When he looked at her large blue eyes

So intelligent and determined

He was like a tidal wave swept out to sea

Without a chance of holding on to the reeling

She fell first but he fell harder

When he heard her laugh

So carefree and beautiful

He was like Lucifer tumbling down from the heavens

Without any chance of stopping his fall

She fell first but he fell harder

When he touched her lips

So soft and delicious

He was like a comet pulled from orbit as if passes the sun

Without any chance of avoiding her pull

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Autumn is coming, darling. But it is not yet here.

You can feel it in the air. Thirty degrees slowly turning into twenty-five.

You can see it in the trees. Green leaves turning the lightest shade of yellow.

Autumn is coming, darling. And I love the in between.