nxjournal - Tumblr blog

[nxjournal]

cw: cannibalism

"When you die, I will die." I said, the look in his eyes was sweet and tender, loving almost. "However when I die, eat properly, get enough sleep, meet new people and live a happy life,"

"and when you think of me ocassionally, remember that I love you in this sick twisted way we call love."

"The stars will go out before I forget you." He replied, there was a moment of silence before he brought the knife up to my chest.

"Don't let anyone touch me if it isn't you." I whispered, feeling the sharp sting of metal graze against my chest down to my stomach. I could feel myself shaking, but I wouldnt dare tell him to stop.

I need him to feast on me, devour me. Swallow me whole until I become one with him. I couldn't feel anything anymore, but faintly I could hear him. Eating, slurping, chewing.

"Do you want me?" I managed to whisper,

"Down to the marrow." He answered before ripping my rib cage open and devouring my heart.

[nxjournal]

i think if you when i can’t sleep and i wish you were there to hold me.

you never held me, not even when we were together, but i in my memories you did.

and you held me.

[nxjournal]

i miss you so much. i miss loving you, i miss being excited to talk to you, being the first and last person i speak to everyday. thinking about you all the time and that whatever plan i had for my future i keep you in mind because you were always in the picture. you made me feel like home. everyone seems to have a definition of happiness, mine begins and ends with your outline against my own

i would grow daisies in my lungs if you said you liked them, id let you rip me apart and devour me if you had to, id let you destroy me time and time again. id show you all my scars all my flaws and i would lay them all out for you like a museum and let you watch. watch them, and scrutinize them under your gaze. take everything i have, just spend this one night with me.

i’m in love with your name. i want to fill my mouth with your name. i want to eat you whole. the world is going to hell and we have blood on our hands but once you touch my face i am clean of all sins

my whole life smells of you, it will take time to undoing you from my blood but i will recover.

[nxjournal]

it's finally getting to that time of year where im in a constant state of stress (school) but i somehow get by with a's and b's but now its doubled!! (college applications). someone guide me on how to get pass this

[nxjournal]

so, this week, i was taking a test to see if i can enter to AP biology, because it’ll be very helpful considering what I believe id like to peruse in the future.

we took the first test and it was annulled due to people cheating and people telling the teacher. which is fine, it’s completely fair. i’m not mad with his choice nor am i in a position to argue about it— but since i didn’t know the material well… i decided to not go to the second round.

i don’t regret but i also regret my decision. could i have done it? if i had studied with my partner, could i have gotten in too? should i have just tried?

i can’t know now, i made my choice but i can’t help but wonder now.

i thanked the teacher for a chance to get in and im joining his society to gain knowledge about climate change… but i can’t help but think.

i feel kind of silly now.

[nxjournal]

yesterday, april 29th, i competed in my forensics acting competition.

while, spoilers, i didn’t win anything, no prize, no honorable mention; it was still one of the best experiences i’ve had this year.

my piece was liked and i met some great and amazing people, i saw amazing pieces that just amazed me—

i look forward to next year, and i’ll be sure to win something next year.

i mean… how couldn’t i? i had one month to work on my piece and they thoroughly enjoyed it so— i don’t see how more time wouldn’t help.

[nxjournal]

movie ratings:

everything everywhere all at once - 10/10

- the movie was spectacular, my vocabulary just doesn’t have the words to express how good it was.

- no matter how confusing it could’ve been, i never felt overwhelmed with everything that i was getting from the movie,

- i just can’t say anything else but sing praises about how good it was!

- the way it tackled individualism, generational trauma, the struggles of being a parent- every single thing the movie showed and represented just tied in together so nicely!

- and the fact is that everything is happening everything everywhere all at once (like the movie implies) and the way to live life is just to go through it

- with the bad, with the good

- everything is equally meaningful, every small choice you make is important

- the way it treated nihilism and depression without outwardly expressing it!

- the way evelyn finds love and appreciation in every little thing waymon does by the end

- and fights like him?

- amazing

- i wish i could’ve watched it in the cinema, it was amazing.

or… maybe i missed the whole point of the movie. who knows?

[nxjournal]

also as an update to a prior post: i found out my nylt troop and it’s: pitirre!

they’re so cute, like me, and i really hope to make my troop happy and be a troop guide for them.

i won’t lie and say i didn’t want to be a bat, because i did, but i’m also happy with my choice.

[nxjournal]

between my last forensics post and this one; id like everyone to know that it’s going great.

we’re finally choreographing the piece and it made me love my piece. i’m not sure if it’s podium potential but i know i’ll have fun and do my best and that’s what i’m aiming for. maybe i’ll manifest my victory or something.

i was worried i wouldn’t like forensics but now i feel like it’s amazing. i love this, and i’ll work hard for the team next year too. (if they’ll have me)

[nxjournal]

movie ratings:

puss in boots: the last wish - 10/10

- the movie was unironically super deep and with a lot of meaning.

- i love all the plot lines (by all i mean goldie and puss)

- goldie finding herself in her family and getting to appreciate them was so sweet

- puss learning to community and voice his fears and accept that it’s okay was so like heartbreaking/warming

- of course como cualquier película (like any other movie) it’s really easy to guess what is going to happen but it’s still so nice and like heartbreaking.

- the miscommunication between puss and kitty is also super painful to watch and perrito’s story…

- i love the way that they made puss’s hair stand up when he heard death’s whistle too, it was so well animated (the whole movie)

- i ended up breaking down and bawling when puss said he was going to see old friends and i was like: “don’t tell me it’s far-far away!” it was far far away and i started bawling i couldn’t do it.

[nxjournal]

i’m worried for my forensics piece— will i be make it actually good in time? i’m worried i cannot perfect it. this is out of my area of writing expertise and i don’t want to disappoint my teacher either…

[nxjournal]

working for the nylt is so much work… i’m so tired of working and working i just want to sleep.

it’ll be worth it, i know it, pero damn am i tired. (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

[nxjournal]

is blaze even a good feature? like… will they show your post to people who actually are interested in your content? or do they just chose x amount of random people and show it to them and they’re done.

[nxjournal]

i have “christmas kids” by roar stuck in my head. specifically the ‘i know, i know’ part because of an anakin edit i saw (yikes i’m a nerd).

[nxjournal]

i was inspired to do this by a pinterest post actually… but i hate wasting money so :/

this seemed easier for me… maybe one day i’ll buy a notebook and do this there, or compile it to a canva or something and journal digitally.

[nxjournal]

hello everyone.

this blog will be a sort of journal for me.. i don’t expect myself to keep up with it but it’s proof that i’m here and that i did a little (at least) not do i expect anyone to see this…

thank you to anyone who sees my posts, i love you guys. i wish a happy life to everyone, take care.