not-woman-of-substance

[not-woman-of-substance]

hello again (12.08.24)

hello.

it's been about a year and a half since i last set foot in this blog.

i turned 18 a fortnight ago. i cleaned everything from top to bottom and organised my childhood bedroom one last time as a child because i didn't want to purge it as an adult. i cut my hair as short as it can go and went and got new clothes. i opened my online calendar to write down all the things i have to do now that i am of age.

while i was doing my boring but exhilarating (because anything you were jealous of adults for is now suddenly something you have to do too) beaurocracy i came across my medical records. they are all neatly logged by date and what happened to the tiny human with my same name and birthday. i looked through them to find papers that talked about a broken bone and a scraped knee, a blood test for allergies and a trip to A&E for a concussion.

it made me think of the little girl that i had ungratefully cleared out of her room to make space for an adult's objects, taking her toys and colour away so it could be replaced with empty cups of black coffee and exhaustion.

it is august and summer is starting to seep through the cracks in the pavement to make way for autumn but i'm desperately trying to reverse this inevitable effect because i don't want to grow up anymore

[not-woman-of-substance]

new year? (02.01.23)

bit shit really. spent new years with friends but it was lacking the sparkle that festive days usually have. just spent it smoking in the garden really.

everyone stayed the night but i couldn't stand the thought of waking up and starting the new year smelling of a cocktail of smokes, alcohol and regret.

wish i could spend new years on a hill listening to music, or on my own in a big city where anything is new including the people you scream "happy new year" with.

guess i'll have to change again because the earth went round the sun. also i hate fireworks and the bug flying around my room as i write this. my feet are cold and i sort of want to run away but that would worry people and i don't want to be too much trouble.

i've made a new friend though. he's nice and a few year younger than me. i enjoy chatting with him so much and i wish we could meet up more often but right now we have no practice so we don't see each other in person. and anyway people make such a big thing about two people meeting up alone so i don't bother asking because that conversation is exhausting and i don't want to come out to anyone else yet.

i'm going to try journaling more often this year. i don't quite understand how this works, but i think that all the videos explaining it are useless and all you need to do is write what you hear your brain saying down on whichever medium.

i say all of this but i don't really believe in myself enough to keep up with it.

ah well

[not-woman-of-substance]

pebble

i don’t really know how to feel about today.

i mean in general, i sort of feel like i’m wasting everything and all the time i have, that i should savour it completly, but at the same time i think i should completely numb myself by filling up my time with homework and studying and reading and all these other little things and habits i have to pick up if i am to do well in life.

i came home and went to bed until 5.30pm. i haven’t decided if i classify that as wasting my time when i could have been studying maths or phyisics, which honestly i feel like i am really bad at. 

i haven’t been taking care of my plants properly recently, and yet i accepted the tree from the living room. if i can’t take care of all the ones in my room how am i to take on a new one? but i can’t dissapoint my mother because i am the only thing that is not dissapointing in her life.

i see saw too much for my liking. i can’t seem to make a decision i don’t rethink later.

i receved a tarot reading that said that one of the best periods of my life is coming up and i should be happy because all these things are coming my way and i bloody well hope so because i think this is the lowest i’ve sunk so far.

i’m so so fucking scared of whatever there is in store. i want to moove away and start again but i feel really sad thinking of all the things and roots i have put down here and then just ripping them all out once i graduate high school. every day i feel tempted to start severing connections and i feel bad for my parents who pay for all my handball fees and going out with friends when i’m planning on ripping myself away from all of it in a couple years. 

i’m being confronted by this overwhelming realisation that i’m bound to quit, break up, move on from what is happening now, that nothing is going to last forever so why fucking bother working hard when it’s not going to last because our pebble is spinning out of orbit and it’s eventually going to fling itself into the nearest star, and we’re all going to die.

i ‘spose i just feel useless and drowned by this feeling of out of controll-ness, and how everyone seems to understand everything and do it all effortlessly and i can’t even do basic math without struggling with the symbols. 

i ache to be the person comforted by the knowlege that, whatever happens, nothing is important.

[not-woman-of-substance]

reflection

crystals develop underground, in darkness. 

their true beauty can be seen when they are exposed to light.

in sunlight, in the open, the reflection of the light makes the crystal shine and reflect different colours of light onto the surfaces around it.

crystals fade and loose their colours under sunlight.

something so colourful and unique gets bleached by doing the thing that makes it look its most beautiful.

it’s all so fragile.

[not-woman-of-substance]

waiting room (04.09.22)

i’ve done nothing.

i’ve literally done nothing. i wasted three days in front of a tv binging a tv series i’m not quite sure i like even if i have watched 3 seasons of it. after i finished my exam, the teachers told me to enjoy the little bit of holiday i have left. i went home and sat down and turned on my tv and just stayed. the only half productive thing i did was go to handball practice.

i think i enjoy handball because it makes me feel something. after two months of not doing anything physical, and not feeling anything but heat and humidity, to feel your muscles being torn apart at thirty second intervals is a rather cathartic experience. sprinting at intervals determened my a stopwatch and a whistle can be quite relaxing, because for the first time in months i don’t have to make decisions, i just have to follow instructions diligently.

i’m going to the uk soon. it’s the only family trip we are having this summer. i’m excited because it means my mum will have a strict plan that i can ask for a copy of and convince myself that even if i’m tired, i have to do the designated activities, because my future is already set in stone. 

i like it there. it’s rainy and cold and some people i know would call it depressing but i love every drop of rain, every bolt of lightning, every roaring clap of thunder with a deep passion. i crave the smell of damp grass early in the morning or late at night, mixed with the smell of candle smoke. 

[not-woman-of-substance]

Jove decadent, Ramon Casas

[not-woman-of-substance]

self destructive (27.08)

orbitron - duster

i should be studying right now. but i am not.

i know that if i fail this exam, i have to repeat the school year, but quite honestly the only thing i feel like doing is curling up in a ball under the rain and staying there untill the ground swallows me and i get consumed by the roots of my favourite plants. 

i feel like bleaching my hair. not all of it, i’m too scared to do it completely. just the undeside, so it peeks out when i move my head. i feel like i need a drastic change. it’s all too monotone. the days are all the same, i keep sleeping through my alarms because my head is more comfortable than the dull days spent on the floor or within the confines of a screen. 

i’m scared of jugement. i think that is why i don’t want to dye all my hair. i am scared of jugement and being told off because i’m the well behaved oldest daughter and if i do what i want i think my mother will go mad because i am the well behaved one who does what she asks and does’t interrupt her when she is talking about her problems, and i don’t want to be n extra weight for anyone, so i just stew and stem untill the pressure in the container where i shove all my feelings reaches a point where the jar cracks and i just expode on people, and everyone says i look so mean i could strangle them, so they don’t talk to me. and then i get angry at myself because i feel like i’m just pulling this act for attention.

i can’t wait for my distractions. i can’t wait for my schoolwork and my sport to swallow me whole. i want to time to think. no empty space, no moment to breathe unless i am about to collapse. i want to be exausted in the evening and i want to yern for my bed and fall into sleep the moment i touch my matress. if i don’t have my distractions i will constantly change my room around and wonder if i should change my wardrobe entirel with the money i do not have or dye my hair. i hate summer so so much. i envy the people that can just leave the house and drive off to the river or the pool or the sea, or go to their friend’s houses because they are just a few minutes away. i have to bike 20 minutes under the hot sun just to reach my closest friend’s house. after a while i stop dragging myself out to the pool in the yard. i can’t be bothered to move from the chair that is within distance from the fan and my charging cable. i hate it all. 

[not-woman-of-substance]

taller (22.08.22)

i think we're all afraid of change in some form.

some people supress the thought of it until they are forced to make a choice, others dwell on it and let it weigh them down, and once it it set in stone, they wonder if the choice they made was the right one after all, and if instead the should have just chosen option b, c or just have stuck with what they had already anyway.

the kind of change that scares me more though, is the change that comes "naturally", the change that you do not choose, according to which option is favourable, but the one that just sort of creeps up on you and you don't realise it, untill three years have passed in a few minutes, and half your childhood is mist behind you.

i don't quite remember the days before i woke up and was the same height as my parents. one morning i woke up, and instead of slipping just under the open cupboard door, i hit it with my forehead. the cupboard door didn't hit me as hard as the realisation that soon i won't even be opening these cabinets any more, that i would be in a different house, independant, with my own resposabilities and my own job, that i have to pay my taxes on my house.

i am sixteen. "sweet" sixteen. however, i feel like sharp sixteen is more accurate. stuck halfway through highschool, feeling powerless one day, longing for independance and to get away from everyone you know, and the next having to decide what university to choose and be careful! your whole future is reliant on this choice! this is what you will be doing for the next fifty years! and all of a sudden you don't want to go onwards, you just want to stay at home and look through the window with childish wishes for the tooth fairy to come, and wondering if my favourite film is on again tonight, and if my parents will let me watch it again.

i don't know when my slide was taken away from dissuse, or when my stuffed animals disappeared from the bunk bed me and my dad made for them, or when i stopped painting in the little house in the garden, but i wish i could experience it properly.

maybe that is why i am drawn to public parks.

i am grieving a time i was happy.

[not-woman-of-substance]

confession booth

write to me in my confession booth. anything you like. any lenght. any subject. any ammount of meaning.

send me words, scentances, jokes, screams, webpages, blogs, recepies, book recomendations, any of your desires.

bathe in the anonymity. leave your burdens inside. breathe.

i will not answer any submissions that say they are not to be posted.

[not-woman-of-substance]

[not-woman-of-substance]

music without words (21.08.22)

music has lyrics. people listen because the words mean someting, they go well with the beat.

i hate silence. i always need something playing in the backround. i can never be left without something playing in the backround. i mustn't be left without something in the backround.

never leave me with my thoughts.

if the music is instrumental, you can make up the lyrics as you go. cange the song, make it happy, make it sad, make you feel euphoric, make you feel helpless, make you feel hysterical, make you powerless, lonely, aggravated, make you desire, make you long for something new, for someone to just tell you how you should feel, how to be, what to think, what to do, when to do, to give you a schedule, a path to follow, how to think, how to breathe, how to exist in this star system.

someone tell me the lyrics so my thoughts do not drown me.

[not-woman-of-substance]

reminder.

one day you will be

soil

worm food

grass

the earth will eat your bones and blood

then feed it to the trees, the forests, the bushes, the bees.

you will never die.

you'll be in the air they breathe,

life, eternal for you.

you will be free.

[not-woman-of-substance]

[not-woman-of-substance]

swedish meatballs

20.08.22

we to ikea with mum today.

there was pretty bad traffic but it's because of all the people comming back from their holidays after the intense storms we had recently in europe. i loved the storms so much though. the thunder and heavy rain were lovely and relaxing. i'm probably backwards. i adore gloomy weather, and cold mornings, but almost everyone i know love the complete opposite. i want to move to the uk for that reason. i want to be able to go into a costa with a storm outside and read my book in there while drinking my hot chocolate. i want autumn so bad. it's currently august but i hate the summer months, and not just because it's so hot and sunny, but also because after months of having a solid routine and cherishing every break that i had, and enjoying school and handball, it all just sort of stops, and you have to just not do anything with a forced routine for three months. and then, when you finally manage to form something routinelike, you have to scrap that and get back onto your busy schedule of getting up at 6am, school at 7:50am, home at 1pm, homework at 2.30pm, snack at 4pm, handball at 7pm, home, dinner, shower and then bed at 11.45pm. and the first week is amazing, because you finally have your beloved routine back, but the next week you have to deal with the whiplash of physical activity 4 fimes a week instead of zero, and going from 11 hours of sleep to 6 (if you're lucky).

at ikea i got a monitor stand and i just finished reorganizing my desk. it sort of just consisted of putting my screen on the stand, and dusting and making all my cables look a bit more presentable. i lso got a nice ivy plant with green and white leaves, but i don't know what to call it yet. mum suggested a more femminine name, but i might use they/them pronouns and a more androgynous name just to spite her.

i kind of want to move out of this house. even though we have spent money and thought on my room, and all of my cuppoards in the various rooms of the house, i can't wait to be independent. i want to move to somewhere like kent, because it's in the uk and there is a university where you can study to do medical research which sounds more interesting than being an actual doctor. also, i'm a bit closer to the british side of the family, and i can go visit them with more ease. also, mum would have an excuse to come to the uk more often, even just for a few days. there is a house on gordon rd that i like a lot. it's small, but more than enough for me. i would have a dining table with four chairs, i would cook and study in the downstair area, and have a sofa with a bookshelf next to it. also some pieces of furnature for plants and plates. upstairs i would have a small-ish wardrobe and maybe a chest of drawers and a bed with a metal frame. the floor is carpeted upstairs with this dark grey carpet which is really nice. at ikea i saw a really beautiful carpet, with this sort of green and beige pattern on it, in the bargain corner, but mum would't buy it. one day, i will be able to make those decisions.

later anja is coming round. no kids this time, they're at her ex-husband's house. bit more peacefull that way i hope. i enjoy talking to older people. people older than me. it's satisfying in a way you can't quite obtain with almost-sixteen-year-olds. the best convesations are the ones i have with the solarolo-imola group. i like to think of them as my lot. if it's after eleven pm, you get the absolute best discorses with them.