not-so-secret-shipper

[not-so-secret-shipper]

Had to write this it’s been bothering me!!

Give me a moment 2.6k

Eddie’s ready to go to Texas, Buck's ready to say goodbye. Then the conversation takes a surprising turn and Buck finds out the whole truth about what happened with Kim on the day that changed everything for them all.

The boxes are all piled up, ready to go and Buck can hardly look at them. If he’s told himself that it’s for the best once then he’s said it a thousand times. 

Despite that it’s the deepest, darkest most secret wish of his heart that this wasn’t happening but it is and he’ll just have to deal with it. It’s for the best. It’s what Eddie needs to do. It’s what Chris needs too. He can visit, FaceTime, it won’t be the same, he’s not stupid but he can survive. Probably. 

At least the house is just being rented out for now. At least Eddie has given him that much to hold onto. The hope that they might actually come back one day. It’s not much but it’s  something.

“I wish…”

Buck turns his head to Eddie’s voice. It’s the first time he’s spoken in an hour. They’re both lying on the floor, the couch is already in storage along with the other things Eddie’s not taking with him to Texas. 

“I wish, I hadn’t walked past that shop, that I never saw her. I wish none of it had happened.”

Buck looks back up at the ceiling. Right, her; Kim - Shannon mark 2. The woman Eddie lost his mind and his kid for. 

The woman who looked enough like his dead wife that he threw everything away for one more one more time together.  

The woman that Chris found in his house. 

Her. Buck wishes that Eddie had never seen her too, which is probably unfair to Kim. None of this was her fault after all. She’d  seemed nice enough when he’d met her at the station, after the shock of seeing the spitting image of Eddie’s dead wife wore off of course.

The likeness was remarkable with just enough differences between them to know it wasn’t really her. They’ve never talked about this, looks like they are now.

“I didn’t tell you but I told her about Shannon, about why I wanted to spend time with her. I showed her pictures, I said I was sorry.  That it was wrong. She was upset but I stopped it. After you talked to me, I realised I was being…” the pause last a while, 

“You know, I still don’t know what I was being or what I really wanted from her.”

Lifting himself up off the floor to rest on one elbow Buck studies the profile of the calm, still face of his best friend. It’s the face of a man who’s resigned himself to his fate. Eddie’s flat on his back, eyes closed lying in the remnants of a life he’d tried to build for himself and his son. A life that collapsed around him after one or maybe two bad decisions.

“When she left I thought it was over. I was relieved, thought it would be ok but then she came back.” 

If Eddie was looking at him he’d see the frown land on Buck’s face at that brand new piece of information. What does Eddie mean she came back? 

Next to him, the calm facade falters and Eddie’s face crumples, his feelings escaping in the thin lines of distress. Buck knows it’s just a weak echo of the distress he must have felt that day, made smaller, quieter by Eddie’s rigid self control. 

“She came back Buck and she looked…” 

It sounds like a confession, Eddie’s breath shakes on the way out and Buck’s heart beats faster. There’s something bad coming. Something he doesn’t know about.

A voice that doesn’t really sound like Eddie at all continues slowly, each word forced out. 

“She looked.. just.. like… her. She’d …” 

Eyes squeezed shut Eddie’s hand waves vaguely around his head. 

“It was a shock, it hurt to look at her. I said no. I asked her to go, to stop because…  because I knew… I knew it was wrong,  before I always knew she wasn’t Shannon but when she came back and she looked, like that…”

The pained look deepens, Eddie eyes open, glassy and full of unshed tears. It makes Bucks chest ache. 

“It was her. It really was.”

Unsure what he’s hearing Buck just tells the truth. 

“Eddie I don't understand what you’re telling me.”

The laugh that leaves Eddie’s lips is painful to hear, broken and hurt. It slices at Buck’s chest. 

“Neither do I. She was an actress  but I don’t know how she did it. The hair yeah, she’d cut it, dyed it and the clothes she’d seen those in the photos.”

An uneasy feeling stirs in the pit of Buck's stomach. Eddie’s not said anything about this before. He’d assumed… he’d assumed something very different.

“But she was Shannon… it felt like  I was looking at her, that she was right there in front of me.”

Again for a second his face shows the truth, before it’s packed away like all his other belongings. 

“She looked just like her Buck and I wanted to know. I wanted to know so badly.”

Chest tight Buck asks a question, worried he already knows what’s coming.

“Eddie? What are you saying?”

There’s no direct answer but the truth is bleeding out into the room and it’s making Buck feel more than a little nauseous.

“She was trying to be kind. Trying to help me, to say goodbye. Ask the questions I didn’t have answers to. I told her no, I said go, but I  I wanted to know why.”

The voice telling the story breaking Buck's heart cracks. 

“She, she was as close as I could get to knowing why.”

Then in a moment Buck knows will haunt him, Eddie’s sad brown eyes open and find his. The hurt in them is breathtaking, sharp and raw and enough to make him check he hasn’t actually been punched in the chest. 

With a hand held just above his aching heart, he clutches at the fabric bunched beneath his fingers to stop him from reaching out to his friend. He feels helpless, there’s no way to change what’s already happened to Eddie, all Buck can do is listen and finally understand the truth of what he went through the day he let Christopher leave.

“I just wanted to know why. Why didn’t she love me, why didn’t I get a letter. Why did she want to leave me twice?”

Blinking back his own tears Buck understands that he’s made a mistake. A big one. And probably not just him. He’d thought that Eddie and Kim had… but no, he was wrong about that. That’s clear now, the tears rolling down Eddie’s face, silent and helpless tell a very different story. 

continue on Ao3

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[not-so-secret-shipper]

[not-so-secret-shipper]

yall know what fucking time it is

it’s literally alice’s restaurant day

[not-so-secret-shipper]

This isn't Buck's "oh" moment. Buck's "oh" moment is gonna hit him like a freight train. This hit like a nuclear bomb. Realising he's in love with Eddie would be fucking underwhelming compared to the hell he's in right now, when every alarm in his head is screaming that Eddie is about to be gone. And honestly, from where I'm sitting? That wasn't the face of Buck realising something new. It was the face of someone who knows exactly how bad this is gonna hurt. It was Buck accepting that regardless, he's gonna do everything he possibly can to make this easy on Eddie, because down to his bones he will always trust Eddie and Eddie thinks this is what he has to do to put Christopher first. There is no part of that equation Buck wants to change. It'll kill him and he's gonna live with it because he loves Eddie and Chris more than he needs them to stay.

[not-so-secret-shipper]

I hate it when people ask me what genre of music i listen to because i genuinely have no clue. It's called Music I Like genre. The best genre out there

[not-so-secret-shipper]

*gently takes your hand*

if you truly want fandom to start feeling fun again and not like stepping into a field of a bunch of hidden explosive mines, your going to have to accept that fandom is going to be full of fanart, fanfiction, ships, and people that you fucking hate.

you cannot say that people should allowed to make whatever fanart or fanfiction or like whatever ships they want to and then exclude certain ships or fanfiction or fanart. Because that’s how we got to the point of people not liking fandoms because of people’s strict definitions on fanart, fanfiction, and ships that are ok and those that are not.

i’m not saying you should just simply stop being uncomfortable with ships/fanfiction/fanart that does make you feel squicked out or uncomfortable. There’s a lot of fanfiction/fanart/ships out there that squick me out. But that’s where it’s important to remember the saying “don’t like; don’t read”. You found the fanfiction you hate; don’t read it. You found this fanart that squicks you out; don’t look at. You found this ship you hate; block/don’t look at the ship’s tag.

Running fanartists, fanwriters, and shippers out of fandoms for making fanworks you deem as “immoral” or “literally illegal” will not help. Simply put, you’re just making fandom seem restrictive.

[not-so-secret-shipper]

"a vague disclaimer is nobody's friend"

4x07 The Initiative

[not-so-secret-shipper]

Oh

[not-so-secret-shipper]

i'm a writer irl (can't say who because my agent would put me into a blender and press go) and honestly the funniest and most humiliating incident of my life was the time my finished manuscript triggered a plagiarism flag with the publisher for two lines of prose in my literary fiction novel...

.... which was word for word similar to a paragraph in a certain explicit work on FFN starring elrond and his batsman from the hobbit films, aka that one elf that looked like he ate panic attacks for breakfast (i forget his name but it's Figwit II) where the lord of imladris bends said twink over his writing desk and gives him the battering ram treatment.

and if you think i had to sit in front of one if the biggest publishing companies in the world and admit that it was, in fact, me who wrote the fic where the lord of imladris bends said twink over his writing desk and gives him the battering ram treatment in order to avoid being wrongly flagged for plagiarism, you would be absolutely correct.

(yes they published the book)

[not-so-secret-shipper]

Forgot to post this meme yesterday, but better late than never

[not-so-secret-shipper]

the choice is yours: help us decide the theme for week 7 of winter of buddie!

remember that these challenges can be as specific or broad as you want them to!

the flora theme could inspire an artist to draw buck and eddie at a garden, or a writer to write about buck and eddie putting up their christmas tree together, or a gif maker to incorporate flowers in their gifset in some way.

the fauna theme could inspire a fic about buck and eddie adopting a pet together, or art about buck taking chris to the zoo, or a video edit with scenes where buck and eddie rescue cats.

the possibilities are endless.

what theme would you love more?!

[not-so-secret-shipper]

Sounds like you should come sit over here by me.

My wife just had to say the words “You can’t talk about the Omegaverse at Thanksgiving. You know that right?” so I think I need a divorce.

[not-so-secret-shipper]

Buck finds him in the bed of his truck, lying down, one arm folded under his head as he stares at the sky.

It’s a pleasant night, just on the right side of chilly; a clear, dark sky scattered with twinkling stars.

They’re at the tail end of their shift, and the midnight blue of the sky is soon going to get bright, the stars will disappear, and they will both go home.

Buck leans on the truck, stares a little more, wondering if the clench of his heart is ever going to ease away, knowing it won’t.

“Stop staring,” Eddie says, and he doesn’t turn to look at him.

Buck smiles. “Room for one more?”

Eddie turns, looks at him with a raised eyebrow, then uses his free hand to tap the empty space next to him in invitation.

Buck climbs up and lies down next to him, copying him. There is a few inches between their shoulders, but their hands brush, and Buck’s fingers spasm with the feeling. He knows that maybe he should pull his hand away, leave some space between them, but Eddie doesn’t pull away, and Buck follows his lead, keeping his hand close; not close enough to touch, but close enough that the closeness is like sparks on Buck’s skin, lighting him up inside.

The quietness stretches, blankets them, as the wind picks up, the cold intensifying; like it’s putting up a fight it knows it’s going to lose once the sun breaks through the horizon.

Eddie says, “I’m going to miss you,” then pauses, takes a deep breath, “I think I already do.”

And Buck feels the words land in his chest like sharded glass, his heart splintering like an old piece of wood that needs to be sanded down.

He closes his eyes against the burn, his throat closing, and it takes him too long to open his eyes and say, “I’m going to miss you, too.”

Eddie sits up a little, locks one arm in place and rests his head on his palm. He has a gentle smile on his face when Buck turns to look at him, and Buck suddenly feels caught, trapped with nowhere to go, and when he opens his mouth, he says,

“We can always, y’know, look at the stars. Together.”

Eddie’s breath hitches, his face going slack before he looks away, down at Buck’s chest then back to his face.

“Yeah?” he asks, a little breathless and a lot surprised.

“Yeah,” Buck says, sitting up so he’s looking down at Eddie. “Just, every time we miss each other, we’re only a call away. We can still look at the stars together even if you’re in Texas.”

The light overhead flickers, yellow and gentle, a halo over Eddie’s head as he sits up, pressing his back to the side of the truck, one knee pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped around it.

He looks small, vulnerable, and Buck’s heart aches so bad he fears he’s going to keel over from the weight of everything he feels every time he looks at Eddie.

Eddie asks, “What if I’m missing you in the morning?”

Buck blinks, looks up at the sky, back at Eddie. “The stars are still in the sky in the morning,” he says faintly, “we just can’t see them because the sunlight from the sun is so bright it overpowers the light from the stars.”

Eddie smiles. “I’ll call anyway, then.”

“Yeah,” Buck goes to say, the word catching in his throat, so he can only whisper when he says, “I’ll call anyway, too.”

[not-so-secret-shipper]

This is what makes a place of worship.

[not-so-secret-shipper]

patron saint of joy

[not-so-secret-shipper]

Trying to work out my posting schedule for a 15 chapter fic over the next 3+ months. This time works best for me but I forgot about Thanksgiving since I'm Australian lol. Questions about the fic are welcome, it's the same one I've been talking about for a month!

Can you please reblog with tags for wider reach for me? Cheers

[not-so-secret-shipper]

graph (tracking how often Buck and Eddie say each others' names) is NOW UPDATED TO INCLUDE 8a!!!!

(CLICK FOR QUALITY)