not-pro-anathing

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note to my past self: don't let your younger sister drag you into dancing with her at a baseball game so you can get on the jumbotron. you will succeed in doing so and be so brutally confronted by your dysmorphia you have to do literally everything in your power to stop from relapsing.

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you never know what someone is going through. for instance i didnt know i was going through anything until about 2 years later. i thought i was just chilling

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"everybody hates me" factoid actually just a statistical error. The average person doesn't hate you, especially not your friends. You, a person who sits in your room experiencing self loathing every day, are an outlier adn should not have been counted.

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ok. imma do this again because im so sick of this neurotypical label-centric world we live in and the inability that people have to understand individuality, masking, and nuance in presentation of disorders.

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does anyone know what the first step of unlearning shame is. please say it’s substance abuse

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I just want you all to know, that if and when this site does experience a real exodus and/or get sunsetted for good, even if we don't keep in touch I'll remember you so fondly. You're the online equivalent of the other kid on the beach where we built sandcastles together; the girl at the campsite where we explored the trees. You're the drunk person who shared kind words in the bathroom at the club, you're the talented artists at the life drawing class or the poetry night in a city where I don't live anymore. It makes me sad that maybe in the future our paths won't cross so easily, but even when we leave this little shared piece of cyberspace, carried away on our briefly intersecting trajectories, just know I still love you

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Your body deserves to feel safe. Your soul deserves to feel safe. I hope you find environments and invest in healing steps to accomplish this, because you and your body are good and deserving.

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have you eaten yet? (I love you I love you) do you want a snack? (I love you I love you) what's your favorite food? (I love you I love you) can I make you a cup of tea? (I love you I love you) can you help me with dinner? (I love you I love you) I'll bring you some soup for the cold (I love you I love you) I made these and thought of you (I love you I love you) I'm sorry for your loss, take this it was my mother's recipe (I love you I love you) congratulations! let's celebrate with dessert! (I love you I love you) can I get you something to eat? (I love you I love you) no one can make it like my grandmother's (I love you I love you) I made sure it was dietary restriction friendly for you, I hope you like it (I love you I love you) love is stored in food (I love you I love you I love you I love you)

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If you ever reached out for help and it went badly, I want you to know that was ENTIRELY a reflection on the people you reached out to and not on you. You deserved help. You deserved support. You deserved to heal. It may still hurt if you were not treated with that level of love and compassion and you are entirely allowed to feel that way, but do not let it reflect on how you feel about yourself and the support you deserve.

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i love you consistent meals i love you steady blood sugar i love you little snacks i love you non-diet foods i love you full-fat yogurt i love you sugary drinks i love you intuitive eating i love you full stomach i love you breaking free from diet culture i love you body that just wants to keep me alive

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when charles schulz said "all you need is love. but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt" and anthony bourdain said "your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. enjoy the ride" and mark twain said "part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like." when erma bombeck said "i am not a glutton- i'm an explorer of food," voltaire said "ice-cream is exquisite. what a pity it isn't illegal" and when kurt vonnegut said "you can't just eat good food. you've got to talk about it too. and you've got to talk about it to somebody who understands that kind of food."

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this is by no means comprehensive, as this app has a skewed demographic to begin with, but I'm just trying to decide on whether this is a worthwhile topic for the women and gender studies project I'm doing.

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Blogging this every time I see it

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and at the end of the day, people will still hate women.

because beyonce is a terrible songwriter who has a good body and nothing more and she's really nothing compared to olivia rodrigo, that stuck-up bitch who steals other people's music, but taylor swift is an old, bitter nothing who clearly hates other girls. and sabrina carpenter deserves to die because she followed her heart, not her brain, and that's exactly why zendaya will never be good enough for tom holland. don't forget about kylie jenner, who's stealing precious timothee's innocence away and dating her is like committing arthouse cinema suicide, or how we said the same thing about miley cyrus and her disgusting profanity, think of the children, poor liam hemsworth, trapped in a marriage with such a horrible woman. lana del rey was hot until she was big and she made trailerpark sexy until her ass got a little too fat. and ariana grande, talentless homewrecker, and selena gomez, jealous and unreasonable, and hailey bieber, even more boring than the blood drying on the knives you are so quick to pull. sophie turner is a bad mom and megan thee stallion deserved whatever was coming to her.

and amidst all of this, we still don't know these women. we cannot fathom the pain of having a public divorce, one where people choose sides and hurl insults at you until the battery on their phone dies. we don't watch them chase after sweet-cheeked children in tucked-away backyards or play board games with their best friends while their chests heave in laughter. we don't know their marriages and we don't know their solitudes. we don't watch them unravel themselves, time and time again, preparing for the battle that we have made of their lives. they can never make a mistake. they can never cry. they can never be who they believe themselves to be.

and we take all of this and we go to work, we ride the bus, we go grocery shopping, we walk in dappled sunlight, and we let ourselves shrivel. i compare myself to every body i see and i comfort in the fact that i can still encircle my wrists with my fingers. food turns to dust in my mouth when i think about the fact that taylor swift thinks she's fat and people still hate sabrina carpenter for sticking by joshua bassett's side when he almost died, for God's sake, and now the people on my twitter feed are saying GUTS is the worst album they've ever heard. i liked it, the tiny voice in my head cries out. she wrote songs that made me feel noticed. they're calling the song i relate to the most a total skip.

so i close the app. i try not to think about the endless profiles screaming about how much they hate a nineteen/thirty-two/thirty-eight/twenty-three/twenty-six/forty-two year old. i try not to think about how much they would hate me, if they knew anything at all.

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slow weight loss is better than no weight loss.

pick a higher intake if you KNOW you’re prone to binges. 800 cals is a magic number.

dropping 0.2kg a day is better than losing 4kg a week, just to binge and gain 3kg back.

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Anyone else constantly switching between wanting to be a muscular, sporty guy and a deathly skinny twink