niggafeels

[niggafeels]

I do NOT want to be perceived any longer, i am simply a flesh vessel nothing else.

[niggafeels]

September 4th 2024 (11:45pm)

I thinking I am getting burnt out.

This summer has been a medley of working due to capitalism and bed rotting due to depression.

I hate it, but I have bills to pay.

Adulthood is so isolating.

[niggafeels]

Monday, July 3rd, 2023

I am just posting to let you know I am alive.

I have not attempted an unaliving but I am still depressed.

Hoping to set up an appointment for tomorrow with a professional counselor.

Hope I can get help.

[niggafeels]

December 31st 2020 (9:39am)

I find myself getting agitated with the few people that are in my life.

When my siblings text me, I get annoyed beyond belief and take up to two or three days to reply. When my dad calls me, I have to quell my annoyance by telling myself if he dies, I will miss him. I do not talk to my mother right now because she emotionally drains me.

I really only look forward to messages from my cousin and my best friend. But I still take a while to reply.

Currently, I am not dating anyone. Not that I really mind because I am more traumatized than I care to remember at times. I would really only hold someone back. There is also the fact that we are on the verge of the apocalypse. Doubt anyone would be attracted to someone who has a daily existential crisis and no bachelor's degree.

I also do not have a job. So my mental health is hitting rock bottom real quick- for the fifth time in 2020. Only, I no longer cry about it. I cannot cry. I just act like I am not on the verge of a breakdown. Lol

But in all honesty, I have got to go back to seeing a psychologist/therapist because I can feel that I don't feel good.

Anywho...

Hope 2021 does not totally suck.

Hope next year doesn't totally suck for you either.

[niggafeels]

August 19th, 2019 (12:34p)

I made the mistake of having a mini breakdown in front of my sisters this morning. I told them as much

In conclusion, we all agreed that I need professional help.

My youngest sister basically said I wasted their time to tell them how I was feeling.

[niggafeels]

May 1st, 2020

It has been a month and a half of being quarantined so I have had plenty of time to get into my own head. Even more time than I would like to to be quite frank.

Old themes of self-doubt and self-loathing have spring back up into my brain. I honestly thought I had killed those feelings of inadequacy. Why do I still feel that way? Surely, this cannot be part of one's life in their mid-twenties.

I just ride the waves of what sometimes feels like stifling depression. I am allowing myself to feel things, but not just feel them. Try to pinpoint the feelings' roots, their origin. I just do my best to explain them. I have to therapize myself.

And I already feel changes occurring within myself.

[niggafeels]

April 16th 2020

Every once and a while I am reminded of how foolish my younger siblings act.

My sister had to run an errand for our mother and she said she was going to pick up a bottle of wine.

In the past, alcohol was a type of crutch I used to "socialize" as well as a carnal pleasure that I could low-key destroy myself with. I drank secretly and even when I said I was not going to.

And she knows that.

I do not think that would be the best idea since I still go through some days where I would crave alcohol. Even though I am not an alcoholic. Even though I do not regularly consume alcoholic beverages. Even though I know I do not need alcohol to get through anything.

I just do not want to have that option.

[niggafeels]

Observing Immaturity (March 14th 2020)

Sometimes I wonder if my siblings are serious in the way the behave.

Like, if they really believe that their level of immaturity will be acceptable in the real world.

It will not- and they see it.

Yet, they fail to improve and revert to old patterns every single time I call them out. It is just too predictable.

I am not sure if I can continue to live with them much longer.

All I see is dysfunctionality whenever it comes time to deal with issues like the adults we are supposed to be becoming.

It is exhausting living with them. I did not know that in less than a year I would be tired of living with my closest relatives.

But I am and it sucks.

[niggafeels]

March 10th 2020

I just opened an email from my employer and saw that I was only scheduled for two days.

So I think I just lost my job?

[niggafeels]

I'm self-diagnosing and getting more and more afraid of what I might discover...

[niggafeels]

Last Monday of 2019

The rate at which time is going by is unbelievable.

Last year, around this time, I was in a whole different country and in a totally different mental state.

Today, I am just trying my best to get better, be better. Improvements are ongoing. I am growing.

I have only one goal now and for 2020:

Get stronger.

If I do something now, I will ask myself if my actions make me stronger or if they will cause regression. I am too old to not be progressing.

[niggafeels]

December 25th, 2019 (1:58am)

I may just have a merry Christmas after all...

[niggafeels]

Being Realistic About My Current Crushes (December 17th, 2019)

I am trying to view the guy I like in a realistic way.

I have to count his flaws and tell myself that my feelings are deceptive. That I do not actually love him. That all this is is physical attraction. That what draws me in is the fact that I don't know him very well. That he might have some charm. That he will leave me once I tell him I want to get married before I have sex.

Through it all, I hold to that.

The thing about sex is one's skill level can be improved. Both partners can learn together and from each other.

The thing about respect is one's significant other either has it for them or does not. And that is something one cannot change about another person.

And respect should not be lost if a couple decides to switch it up in the bedroom. I would try anything once with my husband, but what I will do is between us two. And what he wants is my secret.

If my husband is not a freak at first, it is fine with me. If he is not a virgin, to me, it is a deal breaker. I am a virgin and I feel like I should not have to keep myself for someone who did not think of me.

So, it bothers me that I like yet another guy that probably is not a virgin and probably would want to bed me if I would give in.

And realistically, that is not going to happen.

[niggafeels]

December 10th, 2019

As badly as I feel about ending my relationship with my most recent boyfriend, I am also noticing another guy.

I do not think it is a rebound merely due to my low-key crush on him before I even knew my ex. In my typical "style", I said nothing. As usual.

If I try to ask this guy out, it will more than likely make me seem heartless. Like, did-I-even-love-my-ex-boyfriend heartless...

The timing is just off.

And a part of me does not want to care and just go with enjoying the fact that someone finds me attractive.

[niggafeels]

December 11th, 2019

That song My Eyes by Nero comes to mind whenever this dude is in the room.

Has he noticed?

And also: Should I make it obvious?

Maybe he may be oblivious.

[niggafeels]

- I’ve been feeling so down and unmotivated lately, the worst I’ve ever been before. A lot of bad things seem to be happening all at once. That could be a blessing in disguise but who knows. I’ve started a new project, focusing on abstract art to help get my feelings and emotions out. Here’s my first piece, I hope you enjoy.

[niggafeels]