niggafeels

[niggafeels]

[niggafeels]

yeah im good the light has left my world though

[niggafeels]

December 8th 2024

With the holidays getting closer, I am reminded of the loneliness that accompanies the ever-present background Christmas music. It is a ghost of what was and a vapor of what should have been.

Another Christmas alone that is not my choice. The only Christmas I will be forced to work. The first Christmas I will be fully alone.

[niggafeels]

[niggafeels]

[niggafeels]

[niggafeels]

December 3rd 2024

I feel the darkness engulfing me again.

It is scaring me.

How long can I go on undiagnosed, unmedicated and without a therapist?

I just want it to end.

[niggafeels]

currently listening to music, because killing myself would be wrong

[niggafeels]

[niggafeels]

[niggafeels]

I do NOT want to be perceived any longer, i am simply a flesh vessel nothing else.

[niggafeels]

September 4th 2024 (11:45pm)

I thinking I am getting burnt out.

This summer has been a medley of working due to capitalism and bed rotting due to depression.

I hate it, but I have bills to pay.

Adulthood is so isolating.

[niggafeels]

Monday, July 3rd, 2023

I am just posting to let you know I am alive.

I have not attempted an unaliving but I am still depressed.

Hoping to set up an appointment for tomorrow with a professional counselor.

Hope I can get help.

[niggafeels]

December 31st 2020 (9:39am)

I find myself getting agitated with the few people that are in my life.

When my siblings text me, I get annoyed beyond belief and take up to two or three days to reply. When my dad calls me, I have to quell my annoyance by telling myself if he dies, I will miss him. I do not talk to my mother right now because she emotionally drains me.

I really only look forward to messages from my cousin and my best friend. But I still take a while to reply.

Currently, I am not dating anyone. Not that I really mind because I am more traumatized than I care to remember at times. I would really only hold someone back. There is also the fact that we are on the verge of the apocalypse. Doubt anyone would be attracted to someone who has a daily existential crisis and no bachelor's degree.

I also do not have a job. So my mental health is hitting rock bottom real quick- for the fifth time in 2020. Only, I no longer cry about it. I cannot cry. I just act like I am not on the verge of a breakdown. Lol

But in all honesty, I have got to go back to seeing a psychologist/therapist because I can feel that I don't feel good.

Anywho...

Hope 2021 does not totally suck.

Hope next year doesn't totally suck for you either.

[niggafeels]

August 19th, 2019 (12:34p)

I made the mistake of having a mini breakdown in front of my sisters this morning. I told them as much

In conclusion, we all agreed that I need professional help.

My youngest sister basically said I wasted their time to tell them how I was feeling.

[niggafeels]

May 1st, 2020

It has been a month and a half of being quarantined so I have had plenty of time to get into my own head. Even more time than I would like to to be quite frank.

Old themes of self-doubt and self-loathing have spring back up into my brain. I honestly thought I had killed those feelings of inadequacy. Why do I still feel that way? Surely, this cannot be part of one's life in their mid-twenties.

I just ride the waves of what sometimes feels like stifling depression. I am allowing myself to feel things, but not just feel them. Try to pinpoint the feelings' roots, their origin. I just do my best to explain them. I have to therapize myself.

And I already feel changes occurring within myself.

[niggafeels]

April 16th 2020

Every once and a while I am reminded of how foolish my younger siblings act.

My sister had to run an errand for our mother and she said she was going to pick up a bottle of wine.

In the past, alcohol was a type of crutch I used to "socialize" as well as a carnal pleasure that I could low-key destroy myself with. I drank secretly and even when I said I was not going to.

And she knows that.

I do not think that would be the best idea since I still go through some days where I would crave alcohol. Even though I am not an alcoholic. Even though I do not regularly consume alcoholic beverages. Even though I know I do not need alcohol to get through anything.

I just do not want to have that option.