neurospicywisp

[neurospicywisp]

“I’m slowly learning that some people aren’t good for me, no matter how much I love them.”

— Unknown

[neurospicywisp]

First things first.

I want to document my life from the very start.

Early Life if you will;

My parents told me that I was a happy kid. Curious and always smiling. I wasn't afraid of animals at a petting zoo, in fact I'd walk up to all the animals and give them a lil' kiss.

They like to tell this story, presumably because it's a memory of better times. Before it all came crashing down.

I've seen some of my baby videos. Always giggling and laughing, even if I fell.

From what I remember it all went down hill once school started. I'd come home crying.

Teachers barely noticed I was there. I was stuck in my own world as they said. Heck there were times when they'd forgotten about me or "lost" me but I'd still be at the same spot.

Once kindergarten and the early school years were over the real issues started.

I got bullied. This would go on from middle school till pretty much the end of community college.

But back to middle school. I mostly got told how ugly I am, and how fat I was. By kids from my year but also those from some older years. Newer really understood why he had to target me with his friend.

He'd walk up to me, get very close to my face and yell "UGLY". Well, he wasn't the only one saying that to me so I ended up believing it.

I didn't have friends during middle school. I don't blame them tho, I was a very bossy kid. Always had to do what I wanted to do and oh boy was I a sore loser! But I did always listen to their problems and tried to give them advice if needed. I'd also meet up with them if they needed it. I don't call them friends for a reason but I did hang out with them because I had no one else.

I finally grew out of the bossy phase and sore loser state once I went to highschool. This happens at age 12 here.

Problem was that a classmate of mine at middleschool had a niece who would end up being my classmate in highschool. They knew who I was. Which was bad. During a meet up I got approached by three girls. One of them being the niece. The leader asking if I was this particular person. I said I was. From that moment on I'd be targeted by them, and several others.

Sadly my road to travel to highschool was not safe for me. I had 5 of my classmates also cycling this road and these 5 bullied me the most. They'd target me by kicking my bike, push their front wheel against my bike, or slow down in front of my bike. And of course they'd curse and yell at me during the whole time they'd stay around. I also had previous classmates target me during my ride to school so I ended up leaving earlier than others, and eventually I'd get a lift from my parents who went to work and go from there.

That was the start of highschool.

[neurospicywisp]

I told myself some years ago that I'd start a blog like this. But I kept pushing it off for some reason.

I've made it now, time to start posting.

Hello everyone! I'm M, and I got diagnosed with autism 5 years ago.

I still don't understand what autism means.

Whenever I meet a psychologist they tell me that I'm autistic. Then when I ask why, what specifically about me makes me autistic, they only say; "you are definitely autistic".

Which doesn't help me at all.

So, I'll just go ahead and document my life here for what it's worth. Perhaps I'll be able to make some sense of it then.