neurodivergientqueerthoughts

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

My Dysfunctional Family

The car rolled to a stop for the fourth time since my family and I left for home. We’d gotten in the car around mid-morning, not expecting to be in the car for nearly as long as we were; the ride that usually takes us five hours was inching closer to fifteen by the minute. My younger sisters, as always, were the first out of the car, while I was shaking my foot, trying to wake it up after being trapped between the two of them for hours. I prayed to whatever force that had been causing problems for us all day, asking for some peace at this shady gas station. Unfortunately for me, God had other plans. The gas station was unusually full considering the time and the single-stall bathroom had a line of nearly ten people waiting to use it. I, being the oldest and most mature, didn’t feel like telling the whole gas station about my constant need for snacks, unlike my sisters, who made me very aware of the barren shelves within moments of getting in line. My parents looked exhausted beyond belief and slipped them a few dollars each for snacks, trying to placate them. Their attempts to keep my sisters quiet failed; by the time we finally left the gas station, dozens of strangers knew far too much about myself and my dysfunctional family.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Yuu is a boy in all ways but one– his build. His heart holds the soul of a boy, his dress does not. His mom flaunts her hate, a slow stream spills out her mouth with his news. His dad says it’s a phase, opts to use his old name. Nurse won’t write his name, his sex, won’t write the truth. Forms ask for his birth sex, folks ask for proof. Boys don’t have breasts, he doesn’t have boy parts. Should have known by now, they say. Too young to know, they cry. He sees the clear strained smiles from clerks when he brings his not-boy self to buy boy stuff. Holds his tongue when kids call him her, his not-boy dress tells all. If he could fix it, if he could start fresh, he would go to the place where he could be new. All he can do now, though, is bind his breasts, cut his hair, and hide who he used to be.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Emetophobia

You’re nearly twelve years old. It’s Christmas Eve. You woke up bright and early, excited to play games and open presents tomorrow. Your younger brother, now 10, and your sister, 8, eat breakfast with you and you show them some music by twenty-one pilots. You play Roblox until your dad tells you to hop in the car for a Christmas grocery trip. He has bags of cans and bottles for you all to recycle for money. He’s even going to let you all buy snacks with the money you earn! In the car, you realize that you have your iPod, but you don’t have any pockets to hold it in! Your brother graciously lets you put your iPod in his coat pocket. Once you’re there, you start helping put the cans and bottles into the machines when you hear your brother say, “my stomach hurts.” You don’t think too much of it at the time and just continue earning snack money. When you get into the store, your brother heads to the bathroom, where you all wait outside for him for the next half hour. You’re holding his coat the entire time. You begin shopping and he asks for the bathroom a second time. This is when you begin to worry about him. You all wait for him again for quite a while, you still carrying his things. When he asks to go to the bathroom for a third time, you’re tasked with staying there with him while your dad and sister get the actual groceries. It takes forever, but he finally comes back out. You joke around with him as you meet up with your dad and get your hard-earned snack money. You and your sister pick out a few snacks, including a pack of powdered sugar donettes, while your brother sits on the bottom shelf of a large aisle next to your standing dad. You get in line to check out. All seems to be going well until you hear something from behind you. “Dad, I’m gonna throw up.” You stand there in shock and watch your brother throw up on the floor, some of it getting on your Uggs. Your ears stop working, they’re ringing. You cover them. You run to the corner in the front of the store and crouch down into a ball, making sure not to touch your shoes. You realize that tears are streaming down your face and you’re not sure why. After what feels like an eternity, your brother grabs your arm (when did he appear?) and tells you to get up, trying to make you feel better. You sit back in your seat in the back left of the car, right next to where your brother had previously been seated in the middle. During the car ride home, your brother throws up in a plastic bag twice. You’re trapped. You finally get out of the car and your dad dumps out the bags in the yard next to the door. You’ll always remember that spot and avoid it when you walk in the yard, even when it’s snowy. You take your Uggs off downstairs to be sterilized and run to your room with your sister. You sanitize your iPod out of fear of getting as sick as your brother. Then your sister starts getting sick. You can’t escape. When you go to bed, you sleep on the floor next to a trash can, certain that you’ll catch it too. You stay awake most of the night listening to your sister throw up in her bed beside you. The next day is Christmas. It doesn’t feel so joyful anymore. You all open your presents between the two of them throwing up. You haven’t eaten since you had breakfast yesterday. You still can’t eat. You can’t get what they have. Christmas Eve was the worst day of your life, and you’ll never forget that.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Death

Death isn’t peaceful

It’s gruesome

Horrid

Impossible to watch

Death is sudden

Painful

Death can happen

Without a single inkling of hope

Death can strike

The ones who cared for you most

In an instant

One moment

You’re putting off traveling to see them

The next

They call and tell you they have cancer

Stage four

Unhealable

In only one month

They’re completely gone

And you never even got to say a proper goodbye

You never thought that this would happen

You still had an inkling of hope

You thought that maybe they would get better

But they didn’t

And now they’re gone

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Posting a bunch of my recent artwork because I love it so much~

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Living in a World of Ignorance and Stereotypes

How many times have you heard people talking about autism like it’s a worse fate than death? In recent years, anti-vax movements were fueled by the idea that vaccines cause autism. More often than not, I hear autism being discussed in ways that portray autistic people as inhuman. However, autism is actually very similar to another neurological disorder—ADHD. 

Although they are distinctly different neurodevelopmental disorders, most people fail to notice the crossover between the two. The social impairment often associated with autism also appears in those with ADHD. ADHD is known for impulsivity and inattention; autism can come with that, too. According to Neuropsychopharmacology Reports, a study was done on the similarities between ADHD and autism, proving the overlap between symptoms of ADHD and autism.

So why are ADHD and autism treated so vastly differently? When a person with ADHD struggles to communicate, they’re called shy, but when an autistic person has the same struggles, they’re labeled as low-functioning.

Stereotypes surrounding neurodevelopmental disorders create stigma against people with disabilities. Rather than doing research on certain topics, people tend to listen to stereotypes. This has been shown throughout history with queer people, neurodivergent people, disabled people, and people of color.

Not only are stereotypes harmful to people who they are targeted towards, but they make it difficult for people to realize the truth about diagnosable disabilities, such as ADHD and autism. I was never taught about disabilities; I was only taught the stereotypes behind disabilities. Even those who were diagnosed with ADHD at a young age were not taught about it. Consequently, people who have experienced this struggle to understand why they act and think in certain ways.

The people who said that ADHD is a ruse also believe that being autistic is worse than being dead. These are the very same people who watched me struggle to perform even the simplest tasks, things that I wanted to do so badly. These people created and upheld the stereotype that ADHD was a diagnosis that belonged to hyperactive elementary school boys, which prevented me from getting a diagnosis until sixteen. It continues to stand as a barrier between people who were assigned female at birth and adults who have ADHD. A diagnosis could aid them in significantly improving their quality of life and give them an understanding behind the difficulties they face daily.

Blatant ignorance cannot be cured, but the spread of misinformation can be stopped with the aid of others. Ignorance, even with positive intentions, can prevent people from finding the resources necessary to help them succeed and understand their disabilities. The best way to counteract this effect is to spread awareness.

Works Cited

"Nearly One-Third of Children with Autism also have ADHD: Kennedy Krieger Researchers Find Children with Co-Occurrence of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders Face Greater Impairments." PR Newswire, Jun 05, 2013. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/wire-feeds/nearly-one-third-children-with-autism-also-have/docview/1364743401/se-2.

"New Study: Children with Autism may be Over-Diagnosed with ADHD: --CHOP Autism and ADHD Experts Say Current Measuring Tools for ADHD may Not Work for Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders." PR Newswire, Oct 27, 2016. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/wire-feeds/new-study-children-with-autism-may-be-over/docview/1832762433/se-2.

"Trait-Based Dimensions Discriminating Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and, Co-Occurring ADHD/ASD." Brain Sciences, vol. 11, no. 1, 2021, pp. 18. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/trait-based-dimensions-discriminating-adults-with/docview/2474350124/se-2, doi:https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci11010018.

Bakombo, Schwab, Paulette Ewalefo, and Anne T. M. Konkle. "The Influence of Social Media on the Perception of Autism Spectrum Disorders: Content Analysis of Public Discourse on YouTube Videos." International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, vol. 20, no. 4, 2023, pp. 3246. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/influence-social-media-on-perception-autism/docview/2779565377/se-2, doi:https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20043246.

Bialik, Carl. "Health Data that May Leave You of Two Minds." Wall Street Journal (Online), May 24, 2013. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/newspapers/health-data-that-may-leave-you-two-minds/docview/1355172100/se-2.

Fuermaier, Anselm B. M., et al. "Measurement of Stigmatization Towards Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder." PLoS One, vol. 7, no. 12, 2012. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/measurement-stigmatization-towards-adults-with/docview/1327188205/se-2, doi:https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0051755.

Malwane, Michelle I., et al. "A Delayed Diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder in the Setting of Complex Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder." Cureus, vol. 14, no. 6, 2022. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/delayed-diagnosis-autism-spectrum-disorder/docview/2696783946/se-2, doi:https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.25825.

Mooney, Jonathan. "At Risk in the Culture of ‘Normal’: Disability."ProQuest, Oct 09, 2019, https://www.proquest.com/blogs-podcasts-websites/at-risk-culture-normal/docview/2302333023/se-2.

Morris, Amanda. "Fetterman’s Debate Performance Reveals a Divide about Disability."ProQuest, Oct 27, 2022, https://www.proquest.com/blogs-podcasts-websites/fetterman-s-debate-performance-reveals-divide/docview/2729299346/se-2.

Nakagawa, Akari, et al. "Similarity of Subjective Symptoms between Autism Spectrum Disorder and attention‐deficit/hyperactivity Disorder in Adults: Preliminary Findings." Neuropsychopharmacology Reports, vol. 41, no. 2, 2021, pp. 237-241. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/similarity-subjective-symptoms-between-autism/docview/2535774172/se-2, doi:https://doi.org/10.1002/npr2.12170.

Solomon, Andrew. "What Happens when You’re Disabled but Nobody can Tell [with Graphic(s)]." New York Times, Jul 11, 2020. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/newspapers/what-happens-when-you-re-disabled-nobody-can-tell/docview/2422341808/se-2.

Somashekhar, Sandhya. "In Autism, a Sense of Comfort and Identity, Not Dread." The Washington Post, Jul 21, 2015. ProQuest, https://www.proquest.com/newspapers/autism-sense-comfort-identity-not-dread/docview/1697372193/se-2.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Adhd and autism: coming soon

*i sent in a whole essay about the similarities between adhd and autism and pointed out the differences in stigma to the New York Times for a contest, but I can’t post it until they finish the contest. I promise to post it as soon as I can!!

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

I drew Lapis Lazuli (full video on TikTok under jayyce_draws)!

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Sweat: the comic

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

The days where you wake up and feel like shit

Do you guys ever wake up having a panic attack? I have days where I’ll wake up having one or on the verge of having one and I just know that the day is going to be pretty awful. When I wake up like that, I have waves of panic attacks for the rest of the day. I’m actually having one of those days right now. It makes me not want to eat or drink despite needing to do those to live. It makes me need to be doing something or watching something to stave off the constant panic attacks— it doesn’t get rid of them, but it can help. GAD sucks.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

No one tells you just how much periods suck

No one tells you that you’ll end up getting your first period on the first day of school

No one tells you that you’ll end up with a huge red splotch across the front of your dress before 8 am

No one tells you that you’ll skip an entire class just to try and scrub it out in the bathroom

No one tells you that you’ll get a week’s worth of hell every month

No one tells you that cramps will feel like Satan’s claws ripping into your abdomen

No one tells you that your cramps won’t go away, they’ll just become a bit of pressure against your back and stomach

No one tells you that there will be some moments where it’s so painful you can’t catch your breath

No one tells you how you’ll just want to sit with your legs to your chin to stop the pain, but you know you’ll bleed straight through your clothes like that

No one tells you that, no matter how long you’ve been dealing with this, you’ll still ruin at least one clothing item each month, sometimes making it completely unsalvageable

No one tells you that people will cower when they hear anything about periods

No one tells you that you’ll risk bleeding through your pants over getting up to go to the bathroom while others stare

No one tells you that you’ll be exhausted beyond belief

No one tells you that you’ll be so emotionally drained that you’ll tear up for no reason

No one tells you that you’ll be afraid to discuss any of this with your friends

No one tells you

Anything

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Guess who just got an official name change after waiting for the entire summer for the court date!

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

You know what really sucks?

I ruptured both of my plantar fasciae when I was ten or eleven years old.

I finally went to a doctor after a week of nonstop pain and crying, as my parents assumed I was being a dramatic child.

I was diagnosed with “just high arches”.

Seven years later, I am still not diagnosed officially as I have not been taken seriously.

I am in constant pain, though it does desist sometimes, even when I am sitting or laying down.

The fact that I have not been taken seriously about an injury that has ruined my feet is upsetting, to say the very least.

I have ruptured my plantar fasciae countless times since then and they are, no doubt, completely destroyed.

Take people seriously when they say something is wrong.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Panic Attack

Before I even open my eyes, I notice that something feels off. 

Something feels wrong.

The world is fuzzier than usual and my stomach is more resentful; refusing appetite almost entirely.

My mouth tastes odd and there’s too much saliva.

My heartbeat quickens at random, making my stomach cramp with it.

Silence is no longer my friend.

Noise can keep it at bay, kind of.

My day is filled with anguish.

I wish I could end the day now.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

heyya, followers! i have a question: what would uou want to see written about? i want to apply for next year’s davidson fellows scholarship (link below) and i would love to be able to write anout things that you want to see more of!! dm me or comment asap so i can get a plan made up!

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Would anybody be interested in a few posts about the manga i have been writing? lmk if so; i can post little spoilers (pieces of my script) and some of the base artwork/planning ive done. i think i can post a bit about some of the main characters, too, if you guys would like.

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

adhd "tip" that i'm gonna try out bc i'm making it up as i go: try to do something at least once a week if you want to improve (i.e. drawing, learning a language, writing)