netzukochannn

[netzukochannn]

9:47 PM

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Hey everyone, it’s been a while since I last posted. Things have been pretty routine, which honestly felt like a relief – at least for a while, it was nice to have things be normal instead of chaotic and overwhelming. Sure, we still had tough quizzes and I just had an oral quiz this week, so it hasn’t exactly been relaxing, but it felt manageable.

But this week hit hard. I’ve been getting by on just minutes of sleep each day because of exams. I haven’t been able to eat properly, and today, I took two exams. In the middle of one of them, I almost passed out – my vision got blurry, I started seeing spots, and my ears were ringing as I tried to focus on every question. I even had to ask for a few minutes to close my eyes and try to power nap right there in the exam room.

Then, just after I finished the first exam this morning, I found out that I got an F in a subject I had just taken an exam for the other day.

It's devastating. I know some people might think this is just a typical college experience (especially in med school), but it’s hard not to feel stupid and hopeless when I pushed myself to the edge, barely slept for that exam, and still ended up failing. And it wasn’t just the exam – I actually got an F in the overall average for the subject.

I feel like I’m hitting rock bottom. I don’t know how I’ll manage to wake up tomorrow and pretend I don’t know I failed a class. There’s this part of me that wishes for some kind of escape, like if I could just disappear or hit reset and start a new life somewhere far away.

I thought things were finally getting better, but it feels like life has a cruel way of convincing you of that, only to yank the ground out from under you.

I know it would devastate my mom if I started hurting myself. I can’t bear the thought of putting her through that or making her question herself – I know she’d blame herself.

But I'm starting not to care, and that terrifies me. I don’t know what to do.

[netzukochannn]

[netzukochannn]

4:28 PM

Hey, it's been a while, and I'm still overwhelmed with everything, but I want to talk about something other than academics.

I have a friend who I can't quite figure out. Sometimes, she suddenly avoids me as if I did something wrong, and it makes me feel very confused and anxious. I always end up wondering if I’m the reason she’s acting that way, thinking I’ve somehow caused her to ignore me.

I've learned to give her space, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. She's a good friend, but it really hurts when she behaves like I've wronged her, even when I haven't.

Sometimes, after her periods of avoidance pass, she’ll reassure me that I haven’t done anything wrong, even though I never ask her about it. I appreciate that because it saves me the anxiety of having to bring it up. She’s explained that it’s something beyond her control, and I know she’s self-aware of this behavior.

I think she’s just a very sensitive person and tends to take her frustration out on those close to her. I understand that, but sometimes it feels like this behavior isn’t very kind or mature.

I could use some perspective here. Am I being immature for not addressing it with her directly?

[netzukochannn]

8:27 PM

I am an idiot. I am a failure in life. It seems like no matter what I do, things just aren’t working out. It feels like everything is stacked against me right now. This week has been incredibly tough, and I know next week will be the same. I’m running on only two hours of sleep each day, and I barely have time to eat properly. I have an exam to cram for, but I couldn’t keep up with studying, and now I’ve lost all the video requirements for my project that I’ve spent a month collecting, and it’s due in SEVEN DAYS. My phone stopped working, and all my study notes are stored there, so now I can’t access them. I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack because everything seems to be spiraling out of control, and I don’t know how to handle it all anymore.

I know I should be focusing on ways to move on and try to find solutions to this, but I’m literally at my breaking point. I just want to rest without thinking anything at all. Is that too much to ask?

[netzukochannn]

12:50 AM thoughts

I can’t quite put my finger on why I feel so uncomfortable with being proud of my accomplishments. Whenever I achieve something, it triggers this anxiety in me. I don’t want to come off as cocky, but it seems like simply achieving something makes me seem that way. Does that make sense? In college, there have been moments when I’ve accidentally acted arrogantly, and it always backfires. I end up scolding myself for acting that way, especially since I know I’m not exceptional most of the time; I just have these rare moments of success. Sometimes, life throws something my way to remind me to stay humble. I don’t know why I feel this way—I guess I just feel weird about it.

[netzukochannn]

Sometimes, I feel like some things are really worth sacrificing for. Like, I've always believed I needed to become rich one day so I could lift us out of poverty. So I could buy my family a house with a roof that doesn't leak, a fridge that's always stocked, floors with tiles, and a car so we don't have to walk eight kilometers to church anymore.

Thinking about stuff like that makes me believe it's worth the effort because seeing my family smile and be proud of me would be priceless. It's the best thing I could ever achieve in my life. I just want to make that happen before I kick the bucket.

[netzukochannn]

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[netzukochannn]

[netzukochannn]

I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and it’s almost 10 in the evening. I feel like if I don’t get everything off my chest, this anxiety will keep me up all night.

I’m a third-year college student studying Medical Technology, and even though it's only the first semester, I’m already so burned out and failing my quizzes, and I’m losing hope that I can even make it to graduation. It’s like my mental state and my body are in a race to see which will break down first.

I’m starting to question whether this course is even right for me. I feel so far behind. My friend is always at the top of our exams, and while some of my classmates compensate for their writing and lecture exam shortcomings with strong lab skills, I’m struggling in both areas.

It feels like I’m not cut out for this. I keep thinking I’m slow, clueless, and careless. In a field where precision is everything, I’ve made countless mistakes. My dad, who has passed away, always told me I never did anything right, and now I’m terrified that my mom, who’s sacrificing so much to pay for my college, will see her efforts wasted because of me.

I feel utterly lost and trapped, and I don’t know how to find my way out of this.

[netzukochannn]

[netzukochannn]

[netzukochannn]

Sometimes, I find myself questioning the worth of being kind and accommodating. It feels like no matter how much effort I put into being considerate and understanding, the people around me don't seem to notice or appreciate it in the way I hope they would. I see others who aren't as kind or thoughtful as I try to be, yet they are loved, accepted, and surrounded by people who care about them. It’s not that I expect perfection from myself or others, but the difference is hard to ignore.

I often feel like my kindness is taken for granted, and instead of being valued, I end up being taken advantage of. It leaves me feeling lonely and emotionally drained because, while others seem to have people they can lean on, I struggle to find someone who truly supports me in the same way. It’s as if my emotional needs are invisible, and that makes me question whether all this effort to be kind is really worth it.

[netzukochannn]

[netzukochannn]

Live in such a way that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe it.

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falling in love makes me want to eat

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