nd-thoughts - Tumblr blog

[nd-thoughts]

I am so incredibly jealous of men. No, not because of their higher position in society, not because they're treated "better". No, none of that.

I simply wish that I could be a man myself. I wish that whenever I looked into a mirror I could see a male version of myself. It never happens, no, I always stay female. But god do I wish I was a man.

I believe my great attraction towards men stems from my jealousy of them. A jealousy that somehow morphs into this incredible attraction that I don't have the words to explain. It's an overwhelming attraction, as it's an overwhelming jealousy.

I don't have the desire to change my body through surgeries or to morph it into something more masculine thanks to testosterone injections, no. I simply wish I was born male.

This isn't something recent. It's an issue I have had since childhood. An issue I don't know how to fix.

[nd-thoughts]

Other blogs!

I've been using Tumblr more so I made a few more blogs :). @nadiaslittleblog (most active) @nsyncvids

[nd-thoughts]

I haven't posted in a while simply because I forgot... I also started to watch all the Marvel movies and TV shows so that definitely occupied my mind. But, honestly, this isn't an account that's supposed to have posts daily. I don't want to worry too much about it. It's just for whenever I feel like sharing some of my deeper thoughts.

[nd-thoughts]

I don't understand "texting" etiquette.

If I text you and you reply in five minutes, I'm supposed to answer in ten..?

If I send multiple texts I seem desperate... Instead of interested.

But if I send too little I'm dry and boring.

If you leave me on "seen" (/open/read) I'm supposed to be mad..?

I'm also supposed to feel anger if you don't reply fast enough. But replying too fast is also bad apparently.

With all these, let's say, rules I don't understand how people fall in love or make friends through texting. It seems more like a competition, a competition where you win if you seem less interested. But it truly doesn't make sense.

Oh, it's also bad to... "double text" and "text first".

Fortunately I don't listen to any of these little rules, but it's annoying when others do. There's this guy that I would love to get to know more because he genuinely seems like such an interesting person, but he also seems to be following those unnecessary rules. It makes it hard to have an interesting conversation and it's just incredibly sad. Yet, he always seems so eager to talk to me.

Eh, I don't know. You might think I'm too old for this but I'm part of the younger generations. I guess I'm just not too into social media.

[nd-thoughts]

I've met a person. All they do is talk negatively about others, complain about every little thing, diminish other people's success and they're never content with other people's doings.

I believe that they see the world and its people against them, or maybe they just think they're better than any other human being. Another theory I have is that they simply dislike, despise or hate people. And yes, those three are very different things.

When we just met they used to be nice to me. They used to help me out. They would open up to me and that's when they'd tell me about how annoyed they were with others. It kept going and all I did was try to bring out something positive from those people or events they talked about but they'd never listen. After a little while I ended up just nodding and humming silently, not uttering a word in fear I'd accidentally fuel their hatred and or anger.

They would act friendly with those people they always bad mouthed and complained about, which I didn't think anything of since we're all coworkers.

But something changed. They have started acting harshly towards me. I was the one they acted the friendliest with, the most sincere I believe. Yet, in just a few days, they have changed their behavior towards me completely. I do not know the cause of this change as I haven't done anything negative to them, I haven't done anything that could provoke such a drastic change.

It started a few mornings ago. First, it was just small answers that sounded somewhat harsh, but then they'd go back to their normal friendly self. Then it started progressing and now every time I talk to them I feel as if they have grown a deep hatred towards me.

Their behavior does not affect me in the slightest, but it's still such weird demeanor that I do not understand. In a way, I'm happy that I don't understand, because it means I'm just not the kind of person that would be capable of acting in such ways. In another way, I feel sad that I do not understand, because I wish I could know if I did something to cause this shift.

Either way, I have something else to focus on: a compliment I've gotten from another person. That is what occupies my mind, not the hatred of this other person. That is precisely why I say that you should choose what you care about, because choosing to care about the compliment rather than the hate has saved me. It has saved me from endless overthinking and perhaps even futile self hatred. Instead, it has delivered me feelings of gratitude and happiness, as well as a more positive outlook towards life and my own doings.

[nd-thoughts]

Happiness is a privilege. It's hard to be happy.

Happiness is a privilege in today's society where everyone is miserable, where people taint you with their negativity. A society where if you're happy you're probably going to be made fun of 60% of the time. Think about it: imagine that you're outside dancing and singing and just enjoying life. You'd get ugly stares and many would make fun of you. Hell, you can't even say you're happy, people are immediately going to come up with reasons why you should be unhappy. Obviously, this doesn't apply to all, which is why it's so important to be surrounded by the right people.

It's hard to be happy and it's hard to find happiness. Most people expect happiness to come to them, to be a feeling that you suddenly get on a random Tuesday morning or after some sort of personal achievement. But it's not that easy. You have to work for happiness, you have to work to find it and keep it close to you. You have to search for it in every little thing, even those things that may seem insignificant to you. And it's even harder to hold onto it, but once you grow strong enough it becomes easy; or at least easier.

You have to put in a lot of hard work to be happy. It's easier to be miserable than happy, that's for sure.

[nd-thoughts]

People talk behind your back.

They talk about how beautiful your smile is, how nice and kind you are. They talk about how proud they are of you, about how much they like being with you. They talk about how impressed they are that you overcame your problems and are now stronger. Once in a while they remember that one joke you said and they talk about it again, or maybe about some advice you've given them that has changed their life.

Some say negative things. But does it really matter?

Choose what you care about.

[nd-thoughts]

I don't understand people that say life is meaningless. How can you not find meaning in beautiful flowers, trees and animals? In beautiful sunsets and sunrises, in a warm tea on a cold day with maybe a warm blanket wrapped around your shoulders. How can you not find meaning in those beautiful emotions that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside?

Life is full of meaning, you just have to find it. Yes, even what you think is meaningless has meaning.

[nd-thoughts]

Just because they don't immediately text you back it doesn't mean they're not interested. If they leave you on "delivered" for hours, maybe they're just busy. Maybe they're not in the right mindset to talk.

It's okay, don't keep checking if they texted you back. That's obsession.

If they're interested, you'll know. Please trust these words.

[nd-thoughts]

Life is so damn beautiful. I'm in love with every little thing about it: from the pain and sorrow to the love and joy. There isn't a single thing about life that I don't love and cherish with all my heart.

Sure, sometimes life doesn't seem too good. But how can it be any good without negative moments? Negativity deserves to be cherished as much as positivity does, because the two of them can't exist without each other.

Love life and try to be happy.