naesthentic-x

[naesthentic-x]

Some things never change. I try to but they're just there. I either replace them or delete them forever. It's been a while. I feel so angry so furious so pissed and so many things that are pushing me to lose my temper.

I'm not in control. I'm hurting people around me and I'm easily triggered by the silliest things ever. I can't be surrounded like this by triggers. Do I need to be alone to calm down and solve it? Or do I need to be surrounded by someone who can handle me and take care of me.

I feel like I'm on the edge. Something inside me is igniting with anger and fury. I hate this feeling but I'm accepting it. I'm trying to solve it up to find a way to calm it down. Only prayers are doing so. I know I'm hurt and so deeply in pain because that's exactly how I react to it. I get angry. The angrier the more I'm feeling hurt. I don't think anybody is understanding this. Not even the one I thought he does. In fact, he's hurting me again. He's not seeing my angles or standing in my shoes. Should I just cut off this friendship? Although it's priceless but it's taking us to nowhere. I'm only needing God. My God is the only one understanding me, feeling me, knowing what's wrong with me and the one to solve it for me, to clarify it and soothe me with the outcomes.

I'm on the edge. I'm drowning. I'm saving myself. I'm getting up on my feet and opening my wings to fly higher this time. It doesn't matter what people will say about me or do to me. What matters most is how I react. I'm learning again how to react to people. I should stop attaching and seeing them the way I see myself. It doesn't matter what they say. If they're just bluffing about being there for me and helping me while they do nothing, what's the point of giving em a piece of me to shatter?

It doesn't matter. It's all passing and I'm again placing people the way they should be.

I'm learning to love myself and be able to fall in love again. I'm getting ready and this time I'll not mess up again.

—naesthentic ♥️💜

[naesthentic-x]

“A healthy relationship is where two independent people just make a deal that they will help the other person be the best version of themselves.”

— Unknown

[naesthentic-x]

He, who hasn't loved

He, who hasn't seen

Me, my heart, shoved

State, I've never been

—naesthentic 💜

[naesthentic-x]

Glorious - Diane Reeves

[naesthentic-x]

Ghost sculptures in the Castle of Vezio in Lake Como, Italy.

[naesthentic-x]

I'm at an age where I'm feeling confused about how to choose a life partner. I'm someone who's too observant and too naive. I'm kind and afraid it'll be used. I feel too much, I sense too much, I logic too much, overthink a lot and overprotective. Afraid someone won't appreciate it or will mistreat me.

I'm scared. Scared of choosing, picking or make a step. What if I choose wrong? What if I don't get the life I'm dreaming of getting? What if he won't love me or what if I won't love him?

Too many questions.

Am I able to marry someone I don't love? Am I ready? I don't know.

I gave up on these thoughts out of faith. I know God has his perfect plans for me. So, I don't think much about it. Yet, a bit of fear is there.

God knows best what's in my heart and whom my soul yearns for. I don't want to live miserably. I will not live miserably. Because I deserve love, happiness, appreciation, support and other luxuries. I will get that. I will meet the perfect partner for me soon.

—naesthentic ♥️

[naesthentic-x]

I die a thousand times at your presence, but I love you another time and that's my heart's essence.

—naesthentic 💜

[naesthentic-x]

It's sad how certain things change and how lonelier it gets. Nothing is the same naturally but why things aren't changing for the good for me. I've nobody at this rate. Everyone has pulled away and everyone is having their own life. At this rate, I ain't seeking attention. That's temporary and temporary things aren't my jam. My time is valuable to be offered temporary. Days became the same. Days are fast yet empty. Nobody is in my life to lighten things. I've always been alone and lonely. I don't wanna things to continue this way. I'm done with it.

As I drop my last sighs at everything that's left behind. I walk a path all by myself where everyone else is not to be found. Where I am not found only by those who deserve to stick around.

—naesthentic 💜

[naesthentic-x]

“I have a hard time trusting people. I just never want to jump unless I’m sure somebody is going to catch me.”

— Unknown

[naesthentic-x]

“Kindness begins with understanding we all struggle.”

— Charles Glassman

[naesthentic-x]

Hold me tight.

—naesthentic

[naesthentic-x]

I'll never find it. Let it find me.

—naesthentic

[naesthentic-x]

I could know he tastes so good.

—naesthentic ❤️

[naesthentic-x]

I guess it's a curse. It's got its own side effects. Things seem normal, but deep down they are not.

There's this thing that's bothering me. Everything seems too calm that it's scary. I'm scared to explode and do some stupid things I'll regret my whole life. I don't wanna regret and I'm making sure I don't explode.

I guess it's a curse to be bonded to someone for the rest of my life. It's insane. It's not good. Each time I want to indulge into something, I stop myself. I create every existing and non existing reason not to get indulged. I push away every person who tries to care about me. I know why and that's the reason I'm afraid of. I don't know what's real and what could be real.

I wish I get it right. I wish something magical and miraculous happens. Something that will make me the happiest on earth, makes me feel my worth, makes me feel like I'm somebody's world as he is mine.

Certain things are meant to happen in their own time. I just don't know how I'll perceive it. I don't want to miss on the right real thing. Someone to lean on, to hug when I don't feel okay and when I am okay. Someone to share my world with, my moments, my favorite songs, my food, to wear his clothes, to cuddle at night, to hold hands, to prank him, to cry on his shoulder, to love him for the rest of my life.

It will come, it is on its way to me. I am just by myself fighting, creating some safe space, some peace of mind, some part of me to survive. It's a matter of time and circumstances.

I have my own time to be sad and feeling down, my right to keep myself company at these painful times. It'll be alright, not now, but it will be.

I love you.

—naesthentic 💜

[naesthentic-x]

“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.”

— Rumi

[naesthentic-x]

Danielle Frankel | Emory Gown

[naesthentic-x]

Observant I am and I feel every soul on earth.

—naesthentic ❤️