n-yn - Tumblr blog

[n-yn]

[n-yn]

glee predicting the future

[n-yn]

The tenderness in her voice gets me EVERY TIME

[n-yn]

[n-yn]

So being that the “FLU” was actually around the beginning of COVID being like...actually something for people to worry about and I had the flu before...there is zero uncertainty that it wasn’t COVID, cause I was fucked up.

Bruh, for the amount of times I’ve had bronchitis, 2017 being the worst with a whomping 3 times(1 being in the middle of the fucking summer) and the shit lasting for like 2 months each time, I thought it was the worst. I was wrong. The flu fucking takes it. I’ll take bronchitis over the flu any day. I feel like I’m dying.

[n-yn]

4/3/21

I’ve known all of my life that I’ve been different. I’ve also known all of my life that I’ve never been small. I’ve actually been very large since I was in about 9th grade or so. I’ve tried here and there to try and get a grasp on it. I’m not one to blame my issues on others or on issues that are going on in my life because I know that I am the reason that I got to the weight that I did. 

When I saw the top left picture from January 2019, I was completely disgusted with myself. I hated how I looked, how I felt(physically and emotionally) and I hated myself. At my largest, I was a whopping 415 pounds. I did what I had to do to get my lifelong depression under control, I started Wellbutrin for the depression and to help curb my appetite. It’s not that I have a large appetite, it’s that when I am deep in my depression...I eat. I eat because it makes me feel better, but then I feel like a piece of shit because I ate WAAAYYY more than I should have. 

The top right photo is 1 day shy of a year later and I was 80 pounds down. I felt better, I felt like I looked better and I felt SLIGHTLY better about myself. March 2020, I was 95 pounds down, COVID was starting to really pick up in my area(like others as well) and we were put on lockdown and I was falling back into my depression(the dosage of the Wellbutrin wasn’t working anymore). Falling back into the hole that was my depression really fucked me up mentally, emotionally and then physically. I started putting weight back on and couldn’t get my shit together to put a stop to it. 

January 2021, I had my year follow up with my PCP and told her what was going on. We stopped the Wellbutrin and started Zoloft. I went into a hypomanic episode, had another follow up with my PCP because of starting the Zoloft. Told her what was going on. Saw a psych and hated him, I mean absolutely hated him from the beginning. Not because I wasn’t open to seeing a psych, but because he seemed fully disinterested in what was going on. He diagnosed me bipolar 2(which truly I believe, because I’ve had more than that 1 episode of hypomania), told me to stop taking the antidepressant and start Depakote. Well, I learned from my mother that I had been on that before way way back in the day due to my now dormant epilepsy, so I decided I was just gonna not take the Depakote and then kind of just stopped taking the Zoloft. I feel better emotionally, but I’ve also been taking CBD to see if that does anything for me, while waiting until the middle of May when I get to see a different psych(which will hopefully seem more interested than the first one). 

 Bottom photo is February 2021, I weighed 390 pounds and I was back to being disgusted with myself. I wanted to get my shit together, but I was so hypomanic and just dealing with the rollercoaster of what was happening to me(I had also changed positions at work and got a bigger load of stuff to do) that I couldn’t get my shit together. 

Honestly, changing the job positions has been a huge help for me because the 2 people that I work more closely with, have been a huge help for me in all aspects. They have and are going through the working out and being healthy and just bettering their lives. They've rubbed off on me and even though, it’s only been about 2 weeks of working out(not every day, out of a work week, I’m working out 4 days a week) and while I have only seen a 2 pound loss, I can feel a difference in my shirts, in my pants, in my arms(I’m definitely defining my arms, so while I have lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks, I have gained more muscle). 

I am hoping that I can make this positive change last. My pcp and I agreed back in January 2019 that being 250 pounds would make her happy with my health and while it’s still more than I would want to be, I want to see if that’ll help me. 

I can’t keep up this pattern of being in the deepest depression and not wanting to live and then being okay(for a brief stint) and then back to the depression. I just needed to get it out somewhere even if no one reads this, just typing it out helps. 

[n-yn]

Back into throwback Sharpwin Moments. 1x10 was wild... this is part one.

[n-yn]

Does quarentining have anyone else’s depression just really fucking them up?

It’s really mostly the effects of the virus, everything being shut down, only being able to leave for essential things.

I love staying home, but when I don’t have the options to do things, like get my hair cut, it fucking brings me way the fuck down.

And I know getting a haircut is small and minuscule, but my hair grows fast, I have to have a haircut every 3 weeks or it starts to get wild. A clean cut makes me happy, it makes me feel good about myself.

I do work at a hospital, so I do have to leave my house, but leaving for work is completely different than leaving to human interaction with a friend.

I kind of want to fucking drive off a cliff, but only a little.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.

[n-yn]

Bruh, for the amount of times I’ve had bronchitis, 2017 being the worst with a whomping 3 times(1 being in the middle of the fucking summer) and the shit lasting for like 2 months each time, I thought it was the worst. I was wrong. The flu fucking takes it. I’ll take bronchitis over the flu any day. I feel like I’m dying.

[n-yn]

when you're scrolling through tumblr and you suddenly think of something to post or Google or whatever but you keep scrolling coz you can't stop and then you realise oh shit I forgot what i was gonna do so you have to scroll back to where you were when the thought™ occured even if the post was completely unrelated because doing this somehow magically summons your memories

[n-yn]

just a reminder that tony and ziva are parents!! to the same child!! who is 50% of each of them!! and they're raising her together as we speak!!! k have a great week 

[n-yn]

Lost basically a whole ass person in 2019. Tryna lose another in 2020. Left-01/02/19 and right-01/01/20 #weightlossjourney 
https://www.instagram.com/p/B6yuj2OFVdn/?igshid=1frtj31fw55mi

[n-yn]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[n-yn]

#blackandwhitephotography #highhopesfarm #outdoors #outdoorphotography https://www.instagram.com/p/B5g7wD5lcGb/?igshid=24usr0b8ytkt

[n-yn]

max: it’s time to let georgia go

me: whew ... time for you to heal 🥺🙏🏽

georgia standing behind max in the next episode:

[n-yn]

Wow. Just wow.

A. How the fuck we gonna do my girl like that?

B. Max you better get all this shit right.

C. Ryker’s bitches gonna fuck everyone up.

[n-yn]

Valentina right now