myheartisfree

[myheartisfree]

[myheartisfree]

[myheartisfree]

[myheartisfree]

The worst part about being in love with someone is the moment you realize they're just like everyone else and that you're not safe at all, you're just placated. You can think you have some epic love story all you want. You don't. One day it'll all come crashing down and it'll be as basic as everything else you've ever experienced. People are nothing if they're not disappointing.

[myheartisfree]

“I loved you in a way I wished someone would love me.”

— Mahmdou Darwish

[myheartisfree]

i wanna travel and never come back.

[myheartisfree]

No one could ever hate me as much as I do. That's both comforting and depressing.

I'm exhausted and I just want out of life. I hate living inside my body. I hate living with my broken brain. I hate never feeling good enough. I hate feeling this grief and hurt and agony every fucking day. It would be a relief to fall asleep and never wake up.

[myheartisfree]

Death gotta be easy cuz life is hard.

[myheartisfree]

[myheartisfree]

“And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.” - Madeline Miller

[myheartisfree]

I wish my heart would stop pounding.

Do you want me to make it stop?

Yes.

Like, completely?

Yes. -long pause- I think maybe just the boom booms. I'll stay if you will.

Okay.

[myheartisfree]

I'm still depressed today, albeit less depressed than yesterday. I cried over a pothos this morning because the leaves are so damned adorable. My emotions don't make sense.

I'm also still in my feelings about my husband. I just don't know what I'm going to do with all these feelings. I don't want to divorce him or anything, but I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy... and what if I can't come to terms with his eccentricities?

He told me about some things before we were married, but these recent developments were new to me - and he didn't tell me up front about them. I found out [snooping] because, you know, intuition and all. He's not cheating on me, and I didn't think he was, I just knew *something* was going on that he wasn't telling me, and I was right.

At first, I knew the lie [or omission, which is the same thing to me] was bothering me the most. Having had time to process, I know that's not the only thing that was bothering me. In fact, I've successfully moved past the lie and now it's the thing itself I can't let go of. It plagues me every second of every day. Part of me feels like I'm overreacting but a bigger part of me feels betrayed by it... like this isn't what I signed up for and I wasn't given a choice. Had I been, would I have married him anyway? To be honest, I don't know - but my choice is more complicated now than it would have been then, I know that for sure.

I don't believe in divorce. Not for religious reasons, or anything like that, but just because I don't think you look someone in the eye and promise them your heart for a lifetime and then throw in the towel over the slightest inconvenience. Now, don't get me wrong, if someone is being abused or cheated on, etc. OF COURSE divorce is a viable option, but THIS isn't like THAT and, hence, my feeling that I'm overreacting.

His baggage does not make him unlovable. It doesn't make him a bad person. In fact, he's an incredible person. He treats me so good. He is a hard worker, he's kind, he's generous, and he is just an all around good person. That complicates my feelings tenfold because if none of that were true and he was a shitbag, I could easily decide that I can't deal with this and move on accordingly. However, I can't throw away this whole man over something so small in comparison to all his good qualities. That doesn't mean I'm not fucking struggling though, because I am.

So, because I want to keep this man, I have to figure out a way to keep this WHOLE man. I don't know how to purge myself of all my worries and fears and preconceived notions about who I thought he was and somehow pair that happily with the love I have for him and our life. It doesn't help that I don't have anyone to confide in.

[myheartisfree]

[myheartisfree]

I'm bipolar.

That doesn't really make me "special" these days, but to me it never really did. I have hated myself for a good majority of my life.

When I was young, I didn't understand what was happening to me. Half of me was an outgoing social butterfly with faked confidence and a ton of friends. The other half of me knew I didn't have any friends, that I was insecure, sad, and lonely.

When I got older I learned about bipolar disorder and it resonated with me, but I also felt like I was manifesting a disorder in my mind to explain why I was so weird. I didn't tell anyone what I thought, I just went on thinking I was irreparably broken with no hope of ever feeling... right.

Then I got even older and got myself into some trouble and was sort of bullied into therapy. There, I learned that I have bipolar disorder, am clinically depressed, and have anxiety. I was also told that I have OCD-like thoughts without the physical compulsions. Instead of shock and sadness, I felt validated for the first time in my life. I felt part of a community of people who didn't really have a community...because communities have people in them and people are scary. At any rate, I was okay with that. I stayed in therapy for a while, was prescribed lamictal and Buspar, and I leveled out some. I leveled out so much that I thought I was fine and stopped taking the meds. This will probably sound like a familiar course of action to some with my affliction. When we get to feeling too good, we feel like we've got this when we don't, in fact, have this.

I've been "off my meds" for quite a few years now and, honestly, I have handled my highs and lows better than I used to. I attribute that more to self-awareness than anything. Even in my most manic manics and my most depressed depressions, I know that my mind is playing tricks on me. I can't make it stop, but I can tell myself it will be okay and know, in my heart, that it will.

However, I've dealt with this alone for the greater part of my life. I've never had someone present for it while I was aware of it. I've never been able to explain it like I can now. I've never had the wherewithal to warn someone about what it's like to ride these waves with me. Now I do. I have a husband. I have a husband who comes with his own baggage. Some of this is baggage that I was not totally prepared for. Some of this baggage is sending me off the deep end. It's unprecedented for me. I have nothing to go on, nothing to compare it to, no coping skills to speak of, and I'm struggling.

On top of that, I'm depressed right now. I'm so depressed that I took a shower today, shaved half of one leg, and laid in bed naked with a towel on my head for three hours because getting dressed seemed like an insurmountable task. My husband worked all day. He didn't see me in these moment and while he knows I'm depressed, I'm not sure he quite gets what I mean when I say that. So, what does he do? He complains to me about problems he created and I actually thought, you know, nosediving off this roof might not be a bad idea.

Obviously, I didn't do that. I'm still here writing this... but I hadn't had a thought about unaliving myself so serious as I had in that moment in a very long time. I told him how I felt and he said he was sorry and that he would reschedule his bad days. I don't think he's ever made me feel so invisible. I don't think that was his intention, but I do think he meant the snark. I also think he feels like I'm brushing off his problems when that's not the case, I just can't handle my own mental load, let alone someone else's.

I feel really alone right now. I love my husband but I'm scared we're not going to make it. Maybe his things and my things together just aren't going to work. I want them to, but I don't know how. I don't know how I can move past his things, and I don't know if he's prepared to live with mine the way he may have thought he was. We'll be married 5 years soon and I hope we're married 50. I'm just so scared.

[myheartisfree]

““Being with you never felt wrong. It’s the one thing I did right. You’re the one thing I did right.””

— Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo (via hplyrikz)

[myheartisfree]

Yes, I miss sex.

I met my husband around this time of year 13 years ago. He was sexy. I'm talkin, stops you in your tracks when he smiles in your general direction sexy... the way he walked, the way he talks, his confidence... I'm not even at the muscles and the big hands yet. He's still sexy... but he's sexy in different ways now. Then, it was all very superficial.

I wanted to hit it as soon as I saw him. I was in the middle of enjoying my fuckin life and I was in what some would call a "slut phase." I just called it having a good time. So, I did... I had so much filthy, sweaty sex with him and I did a thing that I hadn't done in quite some time. I caught some real true-blue feelings... but I knew then there was nothing about us that would work at that time. We vibed so much, had so much in common, but he was partying and gettin around and I was doing the same in a different social circle. We turned into friends instead, and then really good friends, and then came prison.

Prison changed everything.

Prison took that mind-blowing, toe-curling, leg-shaking sex off the table and made us get to know each other for real this time. For 6 years we did exactly that. Those feelings never really left, but who was I to wait for at least 12 years for him to come home? Shouldn't I live my life? I didn't ask him what he thought. I was afraid of what he'd say, and what I'd do if he said it... so I was there as his friend for those 6 years.

Those 6 years came and went and then something in me changed... I realized I was in love with him, really in love with him... my feelings hadn't wavered even a little, in fact, they grew into something more. That's how I became his girlfriend, then his fiancee, and then his wife within a short 2 years.

I know my husband. On a soul-deep level, I know him. I loved him then, but I'm in love with him now and more every day.

I can't even begin to fathom what the sex will be like when he comes home with all this trust, all these secrets, all this knowledge, and all this love... and I can't wait to find out.

So, yes, I miss sex... but I don't want to have it with anyone but him.

[myheartisfree]

50 Philosophical Questions

Send Me a Number and I'll answer that Question!

1: Is it worse to fail at something or never attempt it in the first place?

2: If you could choose just one thing to change about the world, what would it be?

3: To what extent do you shape your own destiny, and how much is down to fate?

4: Does nature shape our personalities more than nurture?

5: Should people care more about doing the right thing, or doing things right?

6: How can people believe in truths without evidence?

7: Where is the line between insanity and creativity?

8: What is true happiness?

9: What things hold you back from doing the things that you really want to?

10: What makes you, you?

11: What is time?

12: Is mind or matter more real?

13: Do you make your own decisions, or let others make them for you?

14: What makes a good friend?

15: Why do people fear losing things that they do not even have yet?

16: Who defines good and evil?

17: What is the difference between living and being alive?

18: Is a “wrong” act okay if nobody ever knows about it?

19: Who decides what morality is?

20: How do you know that your experience of consciousness is the same as other people’s experience of consciousness?

21: What is true strength?

22: What is true love?

23: Is a family still relevant in the modern world?

24: Where do thoughts come from?

25: What is beauty?

26: How do you know your perceptions are real?

27: How much control do you have over your life?

28: What is freedom?

29: What is infinity?

30: What happens after we die?

31: What defines you?

32: Is it more important to be liked or respected?

33: Do we have a soul?

34: Where does the soul live?

35: How should people live their lives?

36: If lying is wrong, are white lies okay?

37: Is trust more important than love?

38: Is it easier to love or be loved?

39: Is it better to love and lose or never to love?

40: Do aliens exist?

41: The structure of DNA appears to be intelligently designed, what are the implications?

42: Is there a reason to life?

43: Is life all a dream?

44: When does consciousness begin?

45: Do dreams mean anything?

46: Can we have happiness without sadness?

47: How did the universe begin?

48: Is there a supreme power?

49: Do soulmates exist?

50: What is a normal person like?