myfutbolshapedheart

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See ya 2016

2016 took my breath away. Literally, it felt like someone repeatedly kicked me in the stomach, hardly letting me get a breath in before the next kick.

My greatest accomplishment… Surviving every single one. I keep telling everyone else who struggled through 2016 that their good was coming and I wasn’t wrong. I believe that good is coming for me as well, and believe fully that my good is coming in abundance in 2017. May you end your year with smiles and big warm feelings, and the knowledge that after darkness always comes light.

Happy new year

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Don't be a damsel

I am a dreamer, I dream big and marvelous dreams for myself. But I’m also a hustler, I am on the journey to make my dreams the most incredible reality. I think the marriage between dreaming and achieving is the most beautiful connection. Everyone dreams but few are willing to put the work in to achieve.

As a female and as a female in a relationship with a man that I adore. I make sure he knows and any man knows that I am no damsel in distress. I am not looking for him to talk for me, or buy things for me or bring home the bacon. I don’t need him to make my decisions or take care of me. I am not his maid, his chef or his personal assistant. I am a woman with a purpose , just as I am an equal in society I am an equal in my relationship. Financially and emotionally.

Years ago I was in a go nowhere relationship, with someone that I believed I would be with forever. We dated the summer before I left for college and through most of my freshman year before we broke up. I would have given up a soccer scholarship, amazing friends, the best experience of my life just to go home and be with this person. But my mother gave me the best gift of my life by telling me no. 6 years ago I would have given up everything, 6 years later I would never compromise my agenda for anything, because I worked too hard to be here to get side tracked.

Too many women allow men to run their lives, too many women give up their dreams to be with a man. You deserve all that you’ve dreamed of, keep fighting for them. Be strong, be bold, and don’t ever compromise your dreams.

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One of my favorite poets and one of the wisest women that had the chance to live...Maya Angelou 

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“Best Friend” Is Overused

I have 3 best friends all of them from high school, just 3. 3 that are not my boyfriend, my brothers or my mother, they don’t count, they are in a league of their own. I realized after college how loosely that word is used, even by me, and how I didn’t want to diminish the meaning of it any more. I had “best friends” on “best friends” but they weren’t real, the people on that list screwed me over, stole from me, talked about me behind my back and then lied to my face about it, the list could go on. That’s not me, those are things I didn’t deserve because contrary to what they may have assumed, I never spoke an ill word of them and I would have always had their back, no questions asked.

My definition of friendship is synonymous with loyalty. My 3 best friends, I realize that number will most likely always be three. Any time that I have thought that I could add to that number true colors have conceded, and that’s OK. I used to think that I needed to have a lot of best friends, to fill my time with but that is simply not true.

Everybody has friends, the people we fill our time with while we are in the moment, but most friends aren’t forever. Best friends are for eternity, and to my 3 best friends I hope they understand that I truly love them from the bottom of my heart. Everyone has friends, but best friends are the ones that you would drive across the country to get to just because they said they needed you and you would do the same no question. Best friends are the ones that call you just to cry over the phone, and some how the silence in between is an un-awkward understanding. Best friends are the ones that tell you the truth, no matter how much it may hurt. Best friends actually want to know how your day was when they ask.

I think I used to be disappointed that my circle was so small, but now I realize why it is. Very few people have proved that they deserved my loyalty, and that’s OK. It’s really not about how many you have, not everyone knows how to be a best friend. It’s a special title that shouldn’t be overused or just handed to anyone, be mindful of who you choose to believe will be around forever. 

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My biggest fear is that I am inadequate, that i don't know how to use my power, that no one can see my beauty, that my greatest talent isn't talented enough. My greatest fear is stepping the wrong step, in the opposite direction of God

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Are You Awake?

I write in frustration as I learn of the details of the recent police shooting, it unfortunately happened too close to home, but that doesn’t really matter because people who look like me, people who share the same brown skin as mine, are killed every single day all around the world. 

I am frustrated, not because Colin Kap-er-Whatever is kneeling on game days, but because as soon as he did I learned of all of the racially intolerant “friends” I had on social media, inevitably their true colors were revealed. I am upset that him kneeling is overshadowing the true issues that he is trying to bring to light. If you were awake you could hear what he is trying to say.

I’m furious that in 2016 all people are still not valued equally, that there are still people in the world, some that probably look at me regularly, that hate me because of my brown skin. 

I’m frustrated that people will read this and still be ignorant to the injustices that are so clear and apparent. I am frustrated that I have to fear for my family’s safety because being compliant may not be enough.

I am frustrated that I am even writing these words...

Do you realize what i’m saying when I ask: Are you Awake?

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Success doesn't come easy and rightfully so, if you were handed your success on a platter would you appreciate it?

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Believe In Something

As I have gotten older I have watched people change into themselves, their true selves...

Not the people they thought they were supposed to be in high school or even the unknowingly lost puppies we were in college, but a person that has real values, beliefs and goals. Not that we didn't have them before, but now they are real and ours.

I used to envy others, and I used to think it was because I thought they were prettier then me or happier then me or they had more Stuff then I did. But now I realize it's because a lot of those people that I envied; I felt like they had their lives together. Which was silly because who ever really has their life together 100%.

For me, at 23 It has really been in the last 10 months that I have began to see who I am as a person, what I believe in, what I want. What it means to truly be passionate about something, what it means to unconditionally love another person, what it means to be myself. I have learned that God is better to me then I have ever deserved, he has given me a full life one that is filled and overflowed with love, loyal friendship and happiness.

I have learned that I believe in people even when they don't deserve it, and I don't believe I should change that. I think people need belief, belief that they can be good, that they can have success, that someone can love them. I am not perfect, I don't give God the attention that he deserves and that he gives me, I don't know everything about me and slowly little by little I am learning how to answer the question "Who am I" . My life is incredibly full, and I am so thankful for all that I have, and all that I don't.

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An Open Letter to Kobe Bryant

Dear Kobe,

Thank you for showing me what hard work is. My first memories of watching basketball where of you playing side by side with Shaq, my favorite power couple. You undoubtedly wore the love you had for this game on your sleeve. This was never just a game to you, it was your heart. Although not a basketball player myself, I was inspired by your relentless work ethic. You never stopped no matter what the circumstance, no matter who was talking about you, no matter how much pain you felt. So many of us are better athletes because you were an example of what hard work is. I can’t say that I was always your biggest fan, but I could never deny how important you were to basketball. I couldn’t let you go with out saying thank you. Thank you for allowing me to grow with you, at 23 watching you walk off the court for the last time was like saying goodbye to a piece of my childhood. Thank you for being a force to be reckoned with, thank you for your consistency, and for the motivation you provided to so many of us to be better. Thank you for having an impact on the kind of athlete I was and thank you for showing us that it is ok to say goodbye, no matter how much it hurts.

It’s been a hell of a run sir, you will be missed.

Love always ,

A fan of the game

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Honesty, Apparently a Deal Breaker

I have a total of 5 “Real” best friends… That I still speak to regularly, all girls from high school that I love dearly and would drive and meet at all ends of the earth. My mother, my boyfriend of 4 years, and my best friends Casey, Zye, and Kanyin. I can be honest with them, they can be honest with me, and they will be in my life no matter what, no matter how, no matter where. It is funny continuing to try and make friends in your life and then thinking that you have added another life long friend to your list. But for me honesty is what ends friendships, over and over again I have lost friends because I was too honest. I tell people the truth I can’t help it no matter how harsh it is, and I hope that others would do the same for me.

Some friendships are really devistating to loose for me, some literally break my heart, but I have no choice but to move forward. Honesty should never be what ends friendships. But sadly it  is, It teaches you to be kind but keep your circle small. Cause very few people in the world will choose not to break your heart. 

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Happiness in Peculiar Places

When I started writing I was writing to figure out who I was as a former athlete, as a professional, as a person. Being in the Box day in and day out and challenging myself every single time I walk through the gyms doors I have learned countless times over little things about what it means to be me. I used to spend too much time looking at the lives of others wondering what it would be like to be in their shoes. Instead of looking at myself and deciding how I was going to reach my goals and how to better myself. I didn't know what I needed or what I wanted but in an incredibly successful attempt to be happy in my own life. I put my heart into Crossfit, and that in itself was the best decision I ever made. I am a better person now then I was a year ago. I am a happier person now then I was a year ago. I am a more confident person now then I was a year ago. I didn't know what I needed but I found it in the most unlikely place. So What? There is something out there, something peculiar that will give you a different view point of your own life and how you are living it. It may not be Crossfit for everyone, but there is something. Find that thing, and live your life full in every aspect of the phrase.

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Keep On Keeping On

I continuously have to remind myself that there will always be a light at the end of the long narrow tunnel. The most upsetting process that I have had the oppurtunity to pursue, has been my desire to be employed in my educational field. You work really hard for 4 years to earn a degree, you spend thousands of dollars and millions of hours to get out into the world only to hear ��no” from 10 million different employers at least 2 times over. I have so much fire in my heart to do what I love, and I hope that when I step into a confrence room to interview that I exude that energy, but maybe my passion isn’t enough. 

So What?

When the word “no” is thrown at you 10 million and one times it gets harder and harder to get back up, but you have no choice but to put your soles back on the ground and regain your fire, and start again. There is no doubt that something good is coming to us, the question is will you let “no” break you before you get there? 

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You either get bitter, or you get better...

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This is a great story...If you are needing a little motivation here it is 

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Serious question,thanks to Lulu Lemon this morning. Take a minute and think about it. On your best day, your best week, your best month. How do you feel? Describe to yourself how you feel in that time that makes you happy, that makes you feel in love with yourself. What is happening at that time that is making you feel this way? Seriously, take a minute and think about it. For myself, it means to stop being anything but myself. To not look at others and wonder what it would be like to be in their shoes, but to instead look at myself and decide what I need to do to get to where I want to be. It is literally telling myself that I love me, and I will take care of me. It is waking up in the morning and being thankful that I woke up on another day. It is knowing what being myself means. 

So What?

If you seriously took the time to think about this question, you have come up with a list of things that create a life that is worth loving. Look at these things, find a way to duplicate these feelings as often as possible in your life. These are things that you know make your heart happy, so recreate them as often as possible. And always no matter what, remember to love your life, and no one else’s.

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Think about that.

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Success and Nothing less

Like my corny title says, whatever you want in your life time you have to want success and you have to want it bad. In college one of my favorite mentors Draco Miller read us a quote “When you want to succeed as badly as you need to breathe; that is when you will be successful.” I understood the words at that time, but didn’t completely understand what the phrase meant. Until I earned a degree that I worked very hard for, but no one wanted to give me a job. And let me make this clear, so no one is mistaken. I don’t want anyone to hand me a job, I will and have put in the work 100 times over. But no one else saw that. I didn’t understand that phrase until I tore my ACL in the middle of my senior season of soccer and felt lost when I had gained weight that I had never seen on my body before. I never understood that phrase until I got back in the gym and literally worked my ass off until I was comfortable in my own skin again. 

So What?

The point is the phrase means a lot, but until you find something that you want to be successful in more then anything else. That phrase won’t ring true to your life. If you want to lose weight, you have to want it just as badly as you have to take oxygen into your lungs. If you want success in your career you have to want it as badly as you want to breathe. Just think about that sentence “As badly as you need to breathe.” If your heart doesn’t hurt to have success then you don’t want it badly enough.