mrs-havoc

[mrs-havoc]

Its like a biome of red thoughts. Red leaves, red bark, red soil. Im seeing red all around me- yes. I need to echo a scream, I dont want to be heard. I wanna crawl and cry. I want to punch the air. Nothing seems fair and nobody cares enough. And thats okay , I say. Thats okay. I will envelope this ache and throw it away and breathe deep into the impending winter air.

[mrs-havoc]

I know, I know. A lot of us know. There are dark moments where we can't accept that our lovers are actually gone. It can happen all so fast. The next second, you're forced to believe that he or she is just a stranger to you once more and that none of those memories actually exist. You feel too much! Stop feeling and just forget it. God, it takes time of course. All the pain, who could imagine? No. Here, let me get this straight alright? No, it's not for a second easy. Not when you see them most days hanging around. They may be smiling forgetting you ever existed or they may also be crying over the next lover they find. When you pass by with just an awkward smile or when you have to say hi and give the most slightest hug. Those things don't go away, they consume you inside knowing you have to face reality that at this moment, they do not want you. Not anymore. If you're damn unlucky, you find yourself asking to hang out. Why? They'll always ask. Why would you want to hang out with me after all this? See, they also realize how weird the whole exchange is. They can't just accept what it is. They recall old memories knowing that there are bad ones where they'd rather not bring up again. Hell, if you're damn unlucky, they might just say yes and you'll see yourself in that old cafe you guys used to go to. The one where you first kissed remember? And you see them, smile at them, laugh along as if it's all good. Maybe right now, god, it feels like you're living the good past again. Like everything's back to normal. Your topics start to pick out fast and suddenly it gets deep. Hey, how are you feeling these days? You know, sometimes I miss you. I wish things were back the same way, it still hurts sometimes. For fuck's sake. And you go on thinking, then why don't you text? Then why aren't things the same way? But you nod along and smiling to yourself, fooling yourself. It doesn't dawn to you that they're playing around, of course they miss old memories who doesn't? It doesn't dawn to you that they don't put effort into your relationship. Not anymore. They say, one day, maybe when we're older- where both of us learn to be happy, we can together truly be happy. And maybe one day for that, another day would come because I would love to have you back. Without a doubt. But maybe, just maybe. One day you wake up and not think about it. One day you wake up to get ready for your day because life moves along, and feelings are forgotten. Because maybe, one day there won't be any. Afterall, days don't last, nothing does.

mrs hvc // but moment stay as moments

[mrs-havoc]

I don't want to look back and think this sad. My whole life, wishing for something real For an endurance so limitless. Achieving only an empty space, Just high hopes to a world that does not care. I don't want you to see me this way. The way I think has changed, I am abrupt with new needs for myself, I close with walls so thick And I let myself feel. No longer the girl who sobs when the hour strikes twelve, No longer the stutter in my sentences. There's ice on my fingertips and I am cold But I will bleed, all so gold.

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

What a mayhem. I am cold and distant and weary-eyed I have sunk deep into the oceans to try and get away from you. But it’s all ending the same way. Everytime I see you drowning in the distance, I swim towards you, like a bee going to its hive.

mrs hvc // i dont belong and i need to move

[mrs-havoc]

You wonder when the good will come, Because you feel like everything turned out badly. You don't cry but the hollowness in your heart says it all. You wish people stopped leaving, stop trying to break your heart. Friends, family, lovers- all turn their backs on you. And who do you have now? Yourself? Of course you do. You have yourself. And that's the best thing you could ever appreciate in your life.

mrs hvc // make it for the better

[mrs-havoc]

How was I able to say that things were great? It has not been. That's honesty for you. But little everyday, I look for the good in my life. I thank God for having laughs with my friends and smiles with my mother. I stopped expecting for the bigger things. And this is how I heal and break within every step I take. Because I know that one day, everything will come crumbling down all over again and like a robot, I must restart. I must repair myself and decipher my own codes. Because one day, I know I will be gone and not a lot will remember my remains.

mrs hvc // you should be grateful that you have someone that deeply cares for your well being, that loves you with all her heart.

[mrs-havoc]

A moment arrives, The same invitation. “Would you like the elixir of pain?” As if crying would just make it all go away, Or drinking liquor and self-harming yourself through other ways. Because we all know it doesn’t. A moment is a moment. It does not last to feel that freedom. But we all know the pain lasts, When you feel it will.

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

When asked constantly, Was it real? I think about it for a second. I know it’s real. But what made it real. What made it real was the fact that he was once there, held me close, made those empty promises and yet, made me feel so alive. What made it real I realized, Was how he made me feel real.

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

It's funny how- The world rips you apart like chainsaw. When at once you feel safe, And then suddenly You fall back down to where you had once grew. And you're left with nothing Nothing Nothing. The decomposed body just mere ashes to what could've been.

mrs hvc // in a world so destructive.

[mrs-havoc]

Do you see what I've come to be? With city lights and breaking nights, And all the names destroyed. I wonder, I wander- The helpless souls of the sea.

mrs hvc // a city wanderess

[mrs-havoc]

All you ever were, was a boy. So lost in the open, naive to your surroundings. You were too caught up with the moments all the time that it seemed like the present only ever mattered to you and nothing else. You were so caught up with the people who you liked too deeply, that you became inconsistent, jumping from one person to another. All you ever were, was a boy. You were just being a teenager, full of doubts and darkness. Every ending became your new beginnings; every hurt was repeated in different ways. And the smoke you exhaled never seemed to pause a second for you. You were young and free and boy, you did get bored easily.

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

I don’t blame you for ever leaving. And I guess I wouldn’t want me in the end too. When sadness is a person and you’re in love, things do get out of hand easily. Perhaps the fault is in myself too. I got too attached, too committed- to something I thought can stay much longer. Love. Because when you feel like you’re finally at heart with yourself, someone breaks it for you.

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

So, that’s the end I guess. We part ways and then what? We endure. Find a way out of our domes and make our own adventures. Let darkness invite both of us into the pit. Maybe we’ll survive better then. But I wish you well. Let me say it now then because I don’t know when else I can. You’re still my friend. Always will be.

mrs hvc X constellet // excerpt

[mrs-havoc]

Diligent eyes, perfect faces But hardly any beauty Just simply, Missing places

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

Desperation fell against us Chaotic and blunt, our minds. In the end, We were both in pain Covered in each other’s blood And your eyes now, Just a reminder of something that was never real An illusion- snap -gone in a second

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

Perhaps the good days are to come, but I still sit in silence staring out at the blissful deviance of how no love has been attained for all the sins float at the sea

mrs hvc

[mrs-havoc]

Now I’m not sure if I know you anymore. That’s what kills me. Knowing that these days, You just choose to let go of everything

mrs hvc