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I decided to be a non smoker again

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It's not just an ED. It's not just an addiction. It's a desperate attempt to distract myself from wounds I didn't know I had. To fill holes in my heart and soul that could only have been filled by my family. I yearn for love and acceptance that I will never have, because my father hasn't spoken to me in over seven years, and most likely doesn't even think about me anymore. Doesn't even question why both of his daughters cut ties with him. No, he's not strong enough to free himself from his own life, his own mind, and as sad as it is, he will probably die trapped with a woman who doesn't even love him.

I know that... And I know that blaming myself for every relapse is not gonna make it better. Not at all. I know I should be kind and patient with myself, comfort myself, tell myself that I understand it hurts to have been deprived of love for so long. But the urge to function normally is still there. The fear of what monster I will discover if I'm too kind to myself. What if the monster that my stepmother always saw in me is still in there? What if I really am just an unlovable thing deep inside, behind my attempts to be good, to be kind, helpful, funny?

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Franz Kafka's "Die Verwandlung", or "Metamorphosis", has really affected me. I usually struggle to read, but this one had me hooked and I read it all in one go. It's just... so real. It tells so much about how people and your relationship with them can change almost overnight if you're not the way you're "supposed" to be. Ever since I've become chronically ill and I'm more open about my mental disability, my family has been avoiding the subject, not so subtly blaming me for it, blaming me for every choice I make and everything I feel and experience. Judging me for my appearance. Judging me for my mistakes. I always used to say that I feel like an alien pretending to be human, but perhaps a giant insect is also a good way to phrase it lmao.

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I want to try again. Not to cut out the candy and treats entirely, but to reduce my intake, and to enjoy them when I get them. I don't want to binge and purge anymore... I've been purging almost nonstop again and it's not good for my esophagus and teeth at all.

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i want hugs and feel safe with someone

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It's easier to be mad than to be hurt

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I don't want to restrict... I don't want to starve myself... I don't want to control every damn bite I eat... isn't there an alternative?

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I have been putting my recovery attempts on hold lately because I felt kinda stuck... I've been thinking about trying a more mindful approach; not cutting sweets out entirely, but instead trying to tackle my reason for consuming them.

I'm not sure which approach is the best for me tbh. But I want a change... I don't feel well when I give into my addiction all the time.

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I've been relapsing over and over again in the past few days... I don't even know why. I just know i've been feeling incredibly depressed for no reason at all, and I've been eating candy and junk again. And yeah, of course I purged it too.

The idea of choosing recovery again feels impossible right now. But I know I will do it. After this weekend is over, I'm gonna try again.

I went a bit too easy on myself there. I have to keep in mind why I'm doing this, and what I want to gain from it.

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Also, I always see people who have entire shelves, entire ROOMS full of their merch, computers and lava lamps and all kinds of decorations, the entire room is peach pink, matches their outfit, they have a walk in wardrobe... like, it blows me away. It just blows me away that there are people out there who can afford this. I dream of this kind of life

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I always admire how other people my age... do things. Are they just that much better with money, or am I just awful at it? Because... almost everyone gets a new phone every year. Almost everyone has a PS5 and plays the games that I dream about. Everyone is like "hey let's order food!" and it seems to be no big deal. Everyone has expensive earphones, some people have more than two phones at the same time. Everyone can afford their cars. Everyone can afford expensive skincare. Everyone can afford going to get their hair cut and dyed every few weeks.

How. Genuinely, how. I want to understand. Anything that costs more than 20 Euros is extremely expensive to me and I have to consider whether it's a purchase I really need to make. Buying groceries is always a battle of finding the cheapest option. A decision between hygiene products and cat food. I sometimes ride the bus without a ticket because I just can't afford it, and I'm so anxious about being caught.

Christmas is around the corner, and everyone is buying gifts. I love my friends so much, and I feel terrible for being unable to get them anything nice.

Sometimes I really think how nice it must be not to worry about money. A time when 200 Euros isn't a ridiculously huge amount... that's a time I want to experience in my life someday.

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I have such a hard time spending money on things I need like my shoes literally have holes in the bottom but like they still work so I don’t need shoes. I wonder if you ever grow out of the poor kid mindset or if it just haunts you forever.

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Remember that time when you felt like something was too much, and there was no way you’d get through it?

You did. And you can do it again.

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A setback doesn't negate all the progress you've made <3.