25 ● They/It ● Biromantic Lesbian Disaster ● fandom addict ● I will spam you with shitposts and hyperfixations
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I'm getting mega period cramps help me puki
The fuck am I supposed to do??
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it's just me and my gay fanfics against the world
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"You have already left kudos here. :)" are you sure? because i swear i've never read this fanfic before.
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nothing beats the ship dynamic of “hissy black cat and his loyal golden retriever bf”
I eat that shit up every. single. time.
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me: lmaoo my mom really thinks a few salty crackers and ginger ale will cure my nausea
me 2 minutes after ginger ale and crackers, no longer nauseous:
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Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)
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family: “why are you just sitting in ur room smiling at ur phone?”
me who’s been reading smut about fictional characters for the past 6 hours:
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me walking into the grocery store to buy everything bagels
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….well, she’s got the spirit!
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UPDATE: I JUST BINGED ALL OF THE EDGE OF SLEEP AND LOWKEY WTF LOLOL
Spoilers and thoughts under the cut:
First off, Mark's acting was actually so good. I was worried that going into it I wouldn't be able to look at him as anything other than Markiplier, and I will admit the first episode or so I had to adjust but he was naturally so good at acting that I was able to slip into recognizing the role he was playing
Its like 2am rn for me and i work in like 6 hours but it's not important so excuse me while I rant/write out my hypotheses and questions
QUESTIONS/TRAIN OF THOUGHT DUMP: i get the point of shows like this is to kinda leave some semblance of a mystery. But I have so many questionssssss. Like, what exactly is that monster? What is its true form? What exactly was it trying to do? Why was it killing people in their sleep?? When Dave would have nightmares of the elephant monster chasing him or haunting his dreams, if he was actually caught by the monster would he have died? What caused Dave to carve the symbol in his chest when he had that nightmare, was it a sign of just night terrors or was that the elephant monster? At the end when people woke up with triangles in their eyes, was that them, are they alive but possessed or fully gone but their bodies are now possessed? Is there only one monster or is there multiple?
I really hope there is a second season. I actually loved the idea of an apocalyptic world where if you went to sleep, you would die. As someone who has suffered from night terrors and insomnia, I very much know what it feels like to be losing your mind while sleep deprived and hallucinating, etc.
Lol I will say though, one of the bits that I do have some criticism for is for Dave and Matteo when the red car broke down. I get he was in a panic to get to Katie before she fell asleep and im still surprised and glad he got to her apartment in time, but like they broke into houses to see if the people who were asleep died or not. So you knew they were dead. And I know he was sleep deprived and in a panic to get to Katie. But I couldn't help but literally scream at the TV when Dave chose to run 3-4 miles to get to the apartment instead of stealing a car. Like omg
Overall it was amazing and I definitely wanna watch it again when I myself am not sleep deprived and possibly write a more in depth analysis on it and see if I pick up on anything. But seriously, 10/10. It was so good
IDK IF ANYBODY CARES ABOUT THIS BUT MARKIPLIERS TV SHOW "THE EDGE OF SLEEP" IS OUT RN AND IT NEEDS TO GET TO TOP 10 IN ORDER FOR IRON LUNG TO BE RELEASED SO IF YOURE INTERESTED PLZ GO WATCH IT
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IDK IF ANYBODY CARES ABOUT THIS BUT MARKIPLIERS TV SHOW "THE EDGE OF SLEEP" IS OUT RN AND IT NEEDS TO GET TO TOP 10 IN ORDER FOR IRON LUNG TO BE RELEASED SO IF YOURE INTERESTED PLZ GO WATCH IT
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