mondybabyjourney

[mondybabyjourney]

Journey to and through Month #1

So, I started this not only for my own sanity, but because I feel my story is probably the same as so many women and couples before me/us- and it’s always good to know there are more like you who are sharing in the same struggles that you are. I want to be a mother. Many women do, and just as many don’t, but I have wanted to be one probably since I was about 5 years old.

My mom owned a day care when I was growing up, and I loved spending every free minute I had there, especially in the infant and toddler rooms. I used to get bussed to my private school from there so I was there a lot and learned how to diaper, feed, burp, and properly hold a baby around the same age. Babies bring me so much joy, and it was a huge disappointment for me when my husband wasn’t as gung-ho about starting to try to get pregnant as immediately as I was.

We got married last June, and had always talked about waiting a year to try and get pregnant, but when two of my closest friends got pregnant soon after my wedding, I wanted to be in the same boat. NO. This is not the only reason I wanted to be pregnant of course- as I said, I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I could comprehend motherhood, but this of course fueled my fire. I started bringing it up more, and at first Rich was definitely guarded about it. I started to annoy him with it- not intentionally most of the time, but I sometimes I just couldn’t hold my tongue. It began to consume our marriage and completely change the dynamic of everything. It was really difficult and there were MANY long talks, lots of tears, and even anger, unbeknownst to those around us. He felt like he neede time to wrap his head around being a father, and while I appreciated that, I felt like he was completely controlling the situation. I felt like I had waited long enough for everything- for him to date me, to propose, to get married. I felt like we were always in last place in a non-existent race. And I was approaching 30 and never intended to wait this long to try and get pregnant in my fairy tale world. I would say we reached our “breaking point” so to speak, around November, and I decided I was going to be as cognizant as possible about not bringing it up so much, because me trying to beat the idea into him was not only not working, but negatively affecting our new marriage. So I dropped it pretty much (with the exception of the occasional comment here and there 😉).

I felt like maybe in the new year we could approach the subject again. I had started watching what I was eating, caring for my body more, and taking prenatal vitamins. I had gone to the OBGYN and all was normal (I have fortunately been VERY normal in that regard from the very start) and they said everything I was doing to prepare was good, so I thought it would be easy for us when we wanted to try. I definitely didn’t think Rich would want to try even though I wanted to, but then in February everything kind of changed.

The funny thing is that, in true Liz and Rich fashion, we didn’t really discuss that Rich was open to the idea. He knew I was obviously ready, and then it kind of just happened- exactly the way our relationship did back in 2010- a seamless transition. I tracked my ovulation, started reading many of the message boards on my Glow app (I had been using it to track my periods for a few years anyway, since going off hormonal birth control), and planning accordingly. Side note- I absolutely HATE all of the acronyms on those trying to conceive (TTC) boards. Like “DH”?! Who even refers to their husband as “dear husband”, in real life? I know I don’t, and if you’re curious as to what I’m talking about, a quick google search about other acronyms such as BBT, BD, DPO, BFP, and BFN will probably drive you out of your mind as well. So- we started trying, actively, before, during, and even after my fertile window. I felt good, like we had done it, like we accomplised something, and that this was going to be easy. I knew other women struggled, but that wasn’t going to be me, because I was healthy, regular, and off birth control for years. I, of course and unfortunately, was wrong.

I had told my closest friends that we had started trying and that I was waiting to see if we were pregnant - I even had symptoms that I’ve never had before, but maybe my body was psyching itself out. Who knows. They felt real though. The final symptom before I got my period last night was light spotting- I thought maybe, just maybe it was implantation blood, and I took a test yesterday at 11 dpo (google that if you need). I obviously got a negative result again and then within hours of the minor spotting, there was actual blood, and then excruciating pain that lasted all night. I told myself I would be strong and wouldn’t cry or get upset, but I couldn’t help it. Rich felt so bad, of course, but assured me that we would keep trying and that “if these little 16 year old bitches can do it, so can we” (in response to watching teen mom lol). Hey, at least the trying is fun.

So here I am sitting in my living room. I took the day off from work half because my cramps literally woke me out of a dead sleep last night so my sleep quality was not good, and the other half because I was sad and definitely disappointed that our first month didn’t work. Rich always joked that he has “strong swimmers” and that I shouldn’t worry being almost 30 because I am healthy and young enough still- but it just wasn’t our time, I guess. My friends and my mom (who I also told) have been super supportive as well- obviously, but it doesn’t necessarily lessen the blow. I don’t feel defeated but I don’t know why I would be the exception and get pregnant on the first try. I still feel blessed to have the people in my life that I do, including my amazing husband. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else but him, and I can’t wait for the day when we finally get to hold OUR baby that we worked so hard to get, waited to hold, and will love more than anything within our current comprehension.

So on to month #2, after I stop feeling like crap. Welcome to our journey. I hope it helps someone out there 😘