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[missmorphia]

You’re struggling. You aren’t broken. You will find your way out of this. And no, death is not an option.

[missmorphia]

Self care for down days

Since about the age of 11, I’ve discovered many of the varieties a ‘down day’ can manifest as. So for the better part of a decade, I’ve tried to learn how to stay afloat when they come about, rather than to drown in them. And I’ve gotten pretty good at taking a little time out to recollect myself and build a strong foundation to tackle whatever shit is taking place. So whether it’s a dumping, a divorce, a death or *insert mild form of trauma here*, here’s my guide to shutting up the nasty voice in your head for a day. 

Step 1:

Acknowledge this is a DOWN DAY! You are taking a TIME OUT so this demands FULL ATTENTION! Regardless of what’s getting you down, even if it’s as small as you stubbing your toe, do not let your mind trick you into thinking you don’t deserve one. Every problem is a PROBLEM. There is no scale that dictates whether you are allowed to feel bad about something. So acknowledge that right now you can’t cope and this is something that is needed. If you had a cut in your hand would you not put a plaster on simply because someone else may have a broken leg and therefore ‘have it worse’?

Step 2: 

Delete social media off of your phone. This is a DOWN DAY and we need NO DISTRACTIONS. You don’t have to delete your accounts, just the apps for 24 hours, or however long you feel you can do it for. This helps to clear your head and stops you from scrolling through everyone else giving the appearance of having a good time. Works particularly well if your issue is friend/s.o./ex related. 

Step 3:

Let a close friend or family member or counsellor, etc. know how you are feeling. Someone you trust to let you speak as much or as little as you want to - if you don’t feel like talking and dwelling that’s OK. I know that when I get really overwhelmed by everything I can’t always cope with hashing it all out in detail. But it’s important that someone knows you are feeling like this, because you are not alone, no matter how much your mind may convince you otherwise. No one in this world is unloved.

Step 4:

This can be a scary step for some, and as someone with an eating disorder I definitely find this hard. But step 4 is to allow yourself the peace of mind to say “I can eat whatever I want today.” This does not mean that you are morally obliged to eat 24 pizzas and a full roast with a profiterole dessert (although if this is what you want GO FOR IT! You are a champion). All this means is you’re saying to that voice in your head: “Hey, take the day off. 24 hour suspension for you.” If you can make it a sabbatical or just an all-round firing even better. Send me some tips if you manage the latter!

If what’s triggered your down day is guilt over eating, I know this is especially hard to do. In fact, I’m writing this self-care post during one of those days myself. If eating is hard right now, I get it. But it’s so important that you have at least three meals today - breakfast, lunch, dinner. 

Remember:

No one ever put on 10lbs of weight from eating three meals a day. 

Having three meals is not over-eating.

2,000 calories in a day is the RECOMMENDED DAILY INTAKE for female bodies, as is 2,500 calories for male bodies. That means this is the number to SUSTAIN weight. This is not the MAXIMUM, this is not a number to stay far, far away from, this is the recommended intake for a HEALTHY life. 

1,200 calories is the recommended daily intake for a toddler.

Recently, I had a particularly difficult down day and to treat myself I bought no less than:

Some boujee rosemary crackers

Some boujee Sabra hummus (fucking delicious)

Some Sainsbury’s own sweet chilli crisps

A bar of Cadbury’s Oreo chocolate (yes the big one)

And to top it all off, I got a greek takeaway: a pita wrap with chips and vine leaves

And after all that I am still the same weight, I did not go up 3 dress sizes, and I felt the happier for it.

Step 5:

Do not drink. 

As a coping mechanism in the past, I thought a great way to *treat* myself was to buy a bottle of wine and drink it all that night. Sounds good right? WRONG! If you are already in a vulnerable frame of mind, alcohol only exacerbates the problem. It only feels good when you feel good. It is a depressant after all and it will only make you feel worse. This will also continue into the morning when you’ll have a fat hangover and the aforementioned depressant element will still be weighing on you.

Remember a down day is a chance to clear your head. You want to be waking up tomorrow feeling like you’ve taken a relaxing break from the crapness life has to offer, ready to face it again. You do not want to feel like someone has slammed a brick on your forehead during the course of the night.

Step 6:

Get outside. If it’s good weather, try going for a wander, or if you are unable, sit in the garden, or open a window. If it’s bad weather, go to your door and just breathe some fresh air. It takes five minutes, it is good for the soul and stops you from getting cabin fever. This is the simplest but probably one of the more effective steps to feeling better on this list. 

Step 7:

A hard step, so if you feel unable this is OK. Tidy your room. Cluttered space has such a poor effect on the mind and adds unnecessary stress to why you’re feeling this way. If you really cannot get the motivation to do it, try to break it down into tasks. Grab the clothes from your floor and shove them into your laundry basket, or hide them in your wardrobe/chest of drawers to give the appearance of an organised space! Move a couple of things on your desk to clear it a little. Or simply just make your bed. Even if you can’t tackle all of it, these little things can and WILL make a difference, I promise.

Step 8:

Light some candles! Candles, particularly scented ones, have such a calming effect on the mind. So get on out there with that mood lighting. Personally, I love anything cinnamon scented right now during the Autumn months (I know, how original) - also it just reminds me of home and Halloween and Christmas, which are all very exciting things to look forward to.

Step 9:

Get clean! Have a nice warm shower or bath and throw as many unnecessary products onto yourself as possible. Bath bombs are not only allowed but are ENCOURAGED. Put on some music and take your mind away from the shit. I know sometimes having a shower or bath can take a lot of motivation which is hard, but trust me you will feel the better for it. You will feel warm, your muscles will be relaxed, you’ll smell nice, and you can cosy up in a nice big dressing gown and fluffy socks after.

Step 10: 

Whatever you are doing today, keep it simple. Make today’s task to have a walk, to stay home, to read a book, anything. But do not make today a day to do all your homework, all your errands. All of that comes after mental health. 

Step 11:

Get warm! Get cosy! Put on some pyjamas, grab a blanket, make some tea. Warmth is always good. Unless you’re in 40c heat. I'm talking from a British person’s experience here.

Step 12:

Following on from step 9, watch a movie! I like to honour Halloween with good old horror film classics like Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Nightmare on Elm Street, or the aptly named Halloween. However, if this is something that triggers your anxiety, try something Studio Ghibli like Spirited Away or Howl’s Moving Castle. Comedies work well too, and I particularly like scrolling through YouTube watching SNL skits. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something that makes you feel good - do not - I repeat - DO NOT - watch The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.

Step 13:

Get a full night’s sleep. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get an early night, but judge by whatever time you have to get up tomorrow so that you can get at least 8 hours. Preferably 9, because anxiety exhausts your body with all that adrenaline pumping around. If you have the option, give yourself a lie in.

Step 14:

It’s OK to cry. It detoxes all that crap inside and gets it outside, and it can be very therapeutic. Just don’t let it take over your entire day.

Step 15:

You are going to be fine. You are going to be better than fine. Think about how far you have come. You should know by now that these feelings are temporary. No matter the issue, we find a way to adapt and to overcome. Trust me. Ask for help when you need it, because there is always someone who will listen. Like I said before, no one is unloved. 

I hope that some of these steps can help people. They have definitely saved me when I’ve gotten overwhelmed. I think I included everything, but if I remember other tips, who knows maybe I’ll do a part 2.

Much love xxx

[missmorphia]

This quote by @a-recovered-life has really inspired me! Something my eating disorder regularly tells me is that I have no willpower by eating. By considering eating to be a small victory - an accomplishment - my recovery is growing stronger. It helps to have these reminders outside of a treatment setting so I can keep choosing recovery. This past week was bordering on a relapse. The calculator got louder, the scale beckoned. I started crying over a snack when I needed a second one to properly listen to my body. I actually cried in front of my boyfriend, and felt ridiculous because it’s just food. But then I later realized that food isn’t just food. For me, it’s a source of fear still. It’s scary. I’m not out of the woods yet, but we’re finally moving in the right direction, so to speak!

(PS my boyfriend is an amazing man who hugged me and sat with me while I ate some granola cups and apologized to him profusely) (he even said it was okay!!)

[missmorphia]

I have an eating disorder.

I have an eating disorder. I am not healthy. I am not ‘on a diet’. I have an eating disorder. 

I have never really said those words out loud. I think it’s something my friends know about me, mostly because a lot of them suffer too, but I hardly ever explicitly make that statement. It’s on the tip of my tongue constantly, then I find myself falling into the easy way out of saying “my relationship with food” or “how I think about things”. Never acknowledging it for how serious it is. Because that takes away my control. If I dare to think I may have a disordered form of eating, my brain likes to tell me “You are just using that as an excuse so you can eat more.”

I eat more or less the same thing every day. Things that are deemed ‘safe’ in my ordered, controlled manner of life. I will carefully measure out my bran flakes each morning, taking the time to put 3 or so individual flakes back into the box because the calories are apparently too much to bear. Indeed that’s what I heard is the biggest risk of putting on weight: having two bran flakes over your recommended amount makes the difference between a size 4 and a size 18 didn’t you know? 

I say eating disorder because I don’t know what it is that I have. I am not bulimic. Am I anorexic? I don’t know if that’s fair to say and there comes another insecurity. That not only am I terrified to give up control by diagnosing myself, I’m also terrified that I’m being over dramatic and disrespectful to people who suffer severely with these kinds of things, who die from them. 

And yet I know that what is happening in my brain right now is not OK and not healthy. Right now, I am living my life by my meals - every hour I’m thinking of the next meal I’m going to eat. My days are structured by it - planning times to eat, planning what I’ll have, how many calories this will be, if I’m being ‘indulgent’ by having a teaspoon more of hummus than I should. I spend so much of my day scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, watching videos from pages like ‘Tasty’ obsessively, imagining I am eating. Then I feel like a monster for even looking at something so rich, I feel greedy for wanting it, I feel like I’ve put on weight by watching it.

If I have a night where I crack and accidentally eat four biscuits, the next day is terrible. I’m not allowed to eat breakfast and I MUST exercise to burn it off and as punishment. I am disgusting for consuming unnecessary calories. Because four biscuits is equivalent to four pizzas and three bacon cheeseburgers for dessert. 

The scary part is I don’t know when I transitioned from being careful with how I eat and maintaining a lifestyle of healthy exercise, to this intense, obsessive, twisted way of thinking about food. I think it started at some point around June, and escalated very quickly over summer. I do know that I’ve caught it and I’m aware of it. 

I am trying to push those thoughts down and I force myself to eat even when I’m determined not to. Last night I ate more than was acceptable and yet I made myself eat breakfast this morning - a WIN! I think this blog, if I keep it up, will be good for me to not just push those thoughts down but maybe to start dealing with them. It’s time for some good old-fashioned narcissistic self-analysis.

Which I’m sure will come over time. This is just a brief introduction to my fucked up little brain right now. But in future I want to use this blog to iron out every reason behind why I might be feeling this way, to deal with issues in the past that I haven’t completely recovered from, and to hopefully take steps towards getting better. 

Maybe also these posts will become more fun rather than as bleak as this bollocks I’ve just eeked out. Who knows! I’ll just be talking to myself anyway.

Much love xxx