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[milksopangela]

Heartbreak #1 out of ?

5 days. It’s been five days since johnathan broke up with me. Today felt weird. I mean everyday feels weird i guess now. A lot of bedridden moments of crying fits and trying to distract myself. A lot of sleepless nights and loss of appetite. A lot of calling justin to help me sleep. This is my first experience with it and i realize now just how cruel i was to the people ive broken up with. How can you even bear these feelings? Human hearts are strong. 

I dont really feel like recalling the memories of the past few days, I dont want to cry more and its hard to think about. Maybe I should write a post of the things I enjoyed during my trip. Maybe I should write all the negative things so itll help me move on?

I wonder how future angela will feel about this, if she lives on. #edgelord moment. 

Today was a little different. But maybe its because Its against my nature to not look happy and make jokes in front of people. Starbucks was eh. Olive Garden felt chiller than usual. I cried in the car before work but tears barely came out it was just like my face was going through the motions but my tears ran out i guess. I talked with more people. I actually got a little excited talking to Hunter, he is pretty much the embodiment of a greek adonis. I know nothing will ever happen though so its not as fun as it could be.

This song is making me hurt a little thought because it feels exactly how I am feeling. Well maybe I should just give the list of sad songs/songs that make me cry I listen to.

 The Less I Know The Better - Tame Impala

Pull - Spooky Black

CAN’T GET OVER YOU - Joji

Little Bit of You - Kevin Garrett

Pushing Away - Kevin Garrett

Lost on You - LP

Where We Went Wrong - The Hush Sound

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Friends - Ed Sheeran

I dont really know how to go on. I should work on my body count numbers but I dont really want to Im too depressed lmao. I could work on myself but I feel no motivation. 

I just want Johnathan back. I wish I was enough for him. I can’t stand the thought of him being intimate with another person. I’m selfish and I don’t like sharing. I wish you would change your mind I wish I could do something to make you choose me. But the universe isn’t fair. It’s cruel and unforgiving. It made me ugly and unloveable. But maybe it is fair, this is the karma I receive for being shitty with Daniel and Douglas. This is what I get for doing things against my own morals. This is what I get for being impatient. I deserve all this pain.

I’m selfish and I want you back. 

[milksopangela]

the only constant is sadness

i hate being here. i hate who i am. i hate hoping for things to get better. i dont know if it is. its a constant cycle. of trying to be a better person and failing completely. im still the same piece of shit ive always been and perhaps getting worse. im not happy in anything. i wish i had close friends. but theres no one i can connect with and i push people away i guess. i haven’t talked to peter in ages and i feel bad but i dont really feel like going through the effort of trying. i want to be closer to my dad, and maybe even my mom i dont know. i want to be closer to the people in my household but i dont know how to start. its so scary. i like to think that im trying but am i even. its going to be too late one day and im going to be a person full of regrets. i dont know what to do. do i try harder to be friends with people? or will that just be a fake forced friendship. what does it mean to be a friend. im too selfish to have friends. i just use people. i hate this job. its easy but stressful and gets me mad almost every single time i go in. i dont want to be stuck in a job that i have to spend more than half of my life to make enough to live. i want to move. i think maybe its partly being here in this town full of desolation. everyone here is okay being stuck. theyre content with staying the same. i dont want to live like that. i want to travel. i want to see wonders. i want to dream for the rest of my life. i want to feel like im living my wildest imaginations. i want to fall in love hard and completely. am i happy in this relationship? do i really love johnathan? i want to love him but am i just in love with the thought of being in love with him? or do i actually enjoy him? does he even like me.. i dont think im changing his life for the better. i dont see anything ive done that affects his life positively. im just here and we’re just here being the same people we’ve always been. do i actually mean the things i say? i want to. he makes me feel good so fucking good at times. and then other times i feel completely terrible and worthless and unwanted and like im nothing. i feel alone. i still feel so alone. whats wrong with me. why am i hard to love. why am i not enough. why am i a disappointment. why cant i find anything to bring me joy and satisfaction and fulfillment. i dont know what to do with my life. what is it that i want. what i dream of is finding true love but i dont know if that is just what ive been trained to want. i dont know what i want in life. i cant think of a thing where when i think of it it fills me with passion and determination. everything is meh. unless its ridiculously improbable. like being a professional league player lol. do you think ill ever be happy? i dont like my body or my personality. even if i fixed my personality could i ever be truly happy? if i was better at drawing, if i learned french if i was knowledgeable in many topics, would i be happier or the same? if i learned how to sing better or play an instrument, would that improve my mental state? or am i stuck like this forever. please universe, i want to be happy.

[milksopangela]

8 February 2018

Ughhh I promise one day im going to be consistent in writing everday.

Things have been good and smooth for the most part. Johnnykins and I have been together for 2months so far :) I went to this club called Cloud 9 on Saturday with 3 of my coworkers. Eliahana, Cianna, and Aleanna. i was really awkward at first but then by the end my body moved in ways i didnt think it could lol. i was so fucking sore for like 3 days. some guys tried to grind up on me but i would just try to dance away. it was alright but itd be more fun with like friends that i know better. johnathan wanted to see that i got home safe so he stayed up and waited for me :) that made me super happy and we stayed up until like 5am talking (and phone sex lol i love it) and i love talking to sleepy johnnykins. then i woke up and he asked if i wanted to call which again made me super happy ahhh and then we had another session lol. that was a nice moment. 

so far hes been really cute and like asking what im doing to see if hes able to text me a bunch and stuff. i get a little sad when he goes off and plays cs go and doesnt talk to me for a while but i know people need space and i enjoy talking to jacob and nick so its whatever :shrug:

i got really sad a few days ago because cameron met a girl named amanda at the lcs game and they seem to be really into each other. she like draws for clg or something and she offered to let cameron be her guest every week and yeah and i felt super bad for being sad and jealous about it cause im like in love with johnathan but i couldnt help it. i offered so much to this boy, i would have done anything for him. i loved the fuck out of him. he would constantly talk about how love is ruined for him ever since julia and now he just gets a crush on this girl so easily. whats wrong with me? why am i never enough.. he told me i was pretty but he just couldn’t like me and that really hurts. i wanted to be the one to make him believe in love again (so fucking cheesy i know lol) but i know i never will be. it just... it sucks that hes only affectionate to me when hes drunk as fuck.. i wish i was good enough for him.. but im happy with johnathan.. for the most part. there are some things that make me sad... but maybe as we go on he might love me almost as much as i love him.. oh well only time will tell.

ive been loving iced caramel machiattos with extra caramel drizzle lately.

ive been enjoying talking to nick, he has similar tastes in music with me which i enjoy. i really hope we can be good friends, i need a best friend.. 

trying to get my life together slowly, woke up early today to shop and get some errands done, i feel productive :)

well that’s all i can really think about for now, toodles

[milksopangela]

Rollercoaster

1 february 2018

alright so today has been a wild emotional ride. i woke up with a major migraine in the back of my left eye. and really sad because of some stuff said last night. I got some weight lifted off my shoulders from having real talk with johnathan. but there were some things he said that keep echoing in my mind. he confirmed my theory of me liking him a lot more than him liking me. and that he likes other girls but he likes me more. and i just have to remember what eric said about it. “he chose you” so i need to just keep that in mind. i want to keep working on this relationship because i really like him and i want this to work out. but im a little heartbroken about that stuff. but i need to understand like hey i didnt like him at first and now im in love with him. and daniel didnt like me at first but then he was like in love with me. i guess i just have a natural charm :flips_hair: i have to understand that i do the same things and its okay for people to do them to. like its just how it is. its really hard because i know unreasonable angela will go berserk from time to time. and i need to be able to control. its like im talking about the hulk lol. i hope things will only get better from this point. i wanna be more open with this boy. i love him a bunch. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MClCNZV4W8A

im getting lazy with my format, oh well :shrug:

toodles :)

[milksopangela]

Worrying

19 November 2017

Well, its growing.this feeling of worrying keeps growing. every day it just gets more and more intense. 

i think im afraid to be myself. im afraid to complain because he might leave me. i know i should be myself, and if they dont like me, then why would i want to stay with someone who doesnt like me the way i am. but, i cant follow my own fucking teachings. this is one of the first times ive felt like this, i think. with douglas i wasnt afraid to say things and be annoying. but im just afraid of johnathan not caring and giving me just.. coldness? i guess. idk. im just deathly afraid of him leaving me... whats wrong with me? this shouldnt be how i feel, i dont know how to fix it.

im afraid to talk to him about it because he will just think im some annoying bitch who is unreasonable and too emotional and too much. 

something feels off, like he doesn’t like me as much. or maybe this is normal, and the prior period of sweetness was just a temporary thing. i know he doesn’t like showing his feelings but damn i feel like im completely unimportant.

maybe im just focusing too much on the negatives. he sends me videos and asks for what day we can cook but idk im always like “hes just doing this so i dont get too upset that im being ignored.” 

and im a creepy clingy bitch so ive noticed that hes been playing with the same egirl for the past few days. and i fear im getting replaced. what if he starts to like her? what if im not different and she is something special. he doesn’t seem to attempt to talk to me when theyre playing and he doesn’t text. and it just makes my worrying thoughts worse. i feel like hed rather spend time with them than me, with anyone else but me.

but then he texts me late today and says “id rather talk to you” and its just.. i dont know what to feel. i feel so confused. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to talk about it without sounding like a creepy whiny annoying bitch.

i hope this feeling goes away, i hope i figure out a way to solve this.

i mean i know i also hang out with all my eboys but like i know for a fact i dont have any feelings for them. and i still pay attention to johnathan if he messages me and i would leave them to play a game with him. noone could surpass johnathan. when i go to bed hes all i think about.

its been a tough few nights and i have no way of communicating things, because i know he wont be gentle in his words and ill cry like a bitch and hes gonna think “wow i dont want to be with this girl”.

im in a bad state of mind right now.

im going to go

                                                                                                           Maria-Angela

[milksopangela]

Upset

16 November 2017

oh boy lets go.

this isnt the best night.

lets start from the beginning shall we?

watched star wars, cried a bunch, it was litty.

played games, suppose to work on johnathan’s card but i got unmotivated..

johnathan said a few things: “you constantly saying "i don't think you like me" when i told you i hate showing empathy triggers me”, “ cause ive shown more emapathy to you than anyone i can recall and yet “, and “ cause if you dont trrust me thats a whole load of issues down the line “

and idk it just like really upset me. i laid down and sobbed for half an hour. i just.. idk i am so insecure and my self esteem is so low i cant help but constantly wondering if he likes me. cause why would anyone like me? im just another average human being and i cant keep up with him. i feel like im so stupid and i cant engage in actual stimulation conversation with him, only jokes, nothing about real issues. i feel like i have nothing to contribute to him to help him grow or help him be a better person. and i just have a lot of issues that i dont think he could handle.. i dont think i can 100% trust anyone... at least not now. i trust him more than i do anyone but.. even then its not a complete 100%.

i tried to remember and think “oh hey he actually does like me, he wouldnt be dating me or do anything he does if he didnt want to.” but its just hard to remind myself that. 

my mind is everywhere, like i want to just get over it and im trying to continue on as normal but i just feel so off.. idk what to do.. i didnt tell him the truth. he asked if everything was alright but i didnt tell him anything and said i was okay. idk why i do this. do i have a habit of pushing people away? 

i really hope its just my period coming and im not actually being this emotional. cause yesterday was tough as well.

i know people will never know whats wrong, and wont be there to support you if you dont tell them but i just cant bring myself to tell them. i just need attention... its such a stupid problem im so dumb for being upset about all of this and about yesterday.

yesterday i went to a SALES concert. but before that i asked johnathan if he wanted to facetime me for a bit before i left but he said “if i said no, how mad would you be? like on a scale” and i was really upset but i just replied with “LOL” and left. i just dont like showing when i get upset about stuff thats stupid to get upset about. it just kinda hurts. i constantly am the one asking to see him or call and i wish i wasn’t the only one. i wish for once he would ask. idk, it just makes me feel like unwanted and i feel like im not getting enough attention, why do i have to need so much :/ and on top of that i feel bad for getting mad cause he was super tired and his week hasnt been great and im over here being selfish. ugh, hes probably going to break up with me, im not worth all this trouble. im such an annoying piece of shit. whatever im tired im gonna go to sleep i hope this was just all one big overreaction and i realize.

bye

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

wooHOO

12 December 2017

ALRIGHT LISTEN UP FELLAS THERES A BUNCH OF SHIT I HAVE TO PUT DOWN

okay first of all, johnnyboy is all well and out of the hospital!

and thats not the only good news i have for ya my friendos

guess who has been christened as johnathan’s girlfriend, ITS ME wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh boy so many things happened let me just try try to summarize and remember

-johnnyboy and i spent a few nights falling asleep with each other on the phone while he was in the hospital

- we would say some great stuff to eachother and everytime i remember something sweet he said i just get all fuzzy inside ahhh

-we also talked about some sex stuff ;]

- nOT ONLY TALKED BUT DID SOME NICE STUFF IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE SAY NO MORE

-god i want to do that again, god i just want to be there and have him frick me silly 

- we actually have a lot in common, some of our thoughts, and also stuff we were nervous about and thought that we were weird for doing. like he said looking at pictures of me while he did the do and i was LIKE OMG I LITERALLY THINK OF YOU EVERYTIME I DO IT. it was really flattering and i was shocked that he would do all that stuff, he didn’t seem the type.

-i hate the universe for making such a perfect boy but making him so far away.

- im gonna be cheesy here. thursday 4:15am. :]

-spent hours sharing music with each other, it was nice i enjoyed it 

- he sends me cute videos and they make me smile such a huge smile and i cant stop myself

- i constantly tell him hes cute and i think hes getting bored with it, i cant think of words to say to him. he makes me nervous but also really comfortable.

- i have this gnawing feeling that im not gonna be enough for him. he has all these complex thoughts about everything and im just so simple minded.

- he constantly tries to get me to say my last name and i just tell him to use his :sweat_smile:

- theres so many things he does and has done that make my heart feel so warm and my body so tingly, i love it. im so in love with him and i just want to tell him that all the time.

-still theres times where i feel unconfident. like should i be doing this? am i really so in love with him or is it just me overreacting? i dont want to ruin another relationship.. idk sometimes i wonder why he even likes me so much. it feels so good whenever i talk to him but when its just me im filled with these thoughts of worry. idk.. maybe i should stop worrying and just enjoy even if it doesn’t last?

-geoff called me and motivated me to do the whole college thing and try to move out of state or at least out of cg.

- idk what im feeling, i think the songs im listening to are making me sad

- i honestly still feel so lost but having johnathan there makes the wild ride better and a lot less lonely.

-been going to the gym, lets try to keep it that way?

i feel like if i wrote on the days these things happened it would be a lot more detailed, i really need to write daily.

anyways, im tired my dear blog-iary, ill leave you with a song i just found and a goodnight 

BØJET - i need you

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Unfortunate

28 November 2017

Hey, its me again who woulda thunk.

Woke up today to johnathan telling me he is in the hospital because 10% of his left lung collapsed. im worried about him and i hope his surgery goes well. i miss him a bunch. i keep rewatching the videos he sent me. im trying not to bother him too much but i just want to be there with him. this really fucking sucks. i hope my poor johnnyboy is gonna be okay. i would literally drop everything and fly over to him rn but, he would probably be really freaked out about that so im just going to be here and useless :/

also im not getting married to luke anymore, which really bums me the fuck out. i have to think of a different plan to leave. i dont know what to do im so lost.

im starting to get sad again and i dont want to bother johnathan i dont want him to have more things to worry again. and compared to what he is going through my problems are nothing. i actually feel bad that im sad about stuff when hes in the hospital. i feel selfish.

i dont know what to do.

these entries are getting redundant. i just keep repeating about the same things. my life is a bore.

im going nowhere. 

i dont know how to make myself happy.

i really want to send something to johnathan but idk what and how.

i have an hour before i have to sleep and i feel empty and hungry.

goodbye for now,

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

28 November 2017

Alright, so idk it doesn’t feel like much has happened since the last time i posted. It was like a day ago so i didn’t think id have anything to type about but i decided to anyway.

Okay so, today i woke up early to write my essay. Only wrote like two pages and then went to have a meeting with my teacher to talk about it. She said i was on the right track and i just need confidence. Ive just always thought that im bad at analyzing things. its difficult.

Came home and played video games. Shower With Your Dad Simulator 2015 is fun. “Emily is Away” is kind of boring. Kingsway is fun. Still havent tried the others I bought. I keep thinking i should start undertale but i havent gotten around to it.

Played some league. 

Had a small date with johnathan. mostly drove because i didnt have any food at home. for some reason it felt like it ended meh. he seemed like he was getting bored. idk it made me feel like i was doing something wrong. i dont really want to mention it cause i dont want him to think im annoying with all these things that im worried about. 

Other than that, i really enjoy his company. I wish i could see him in person. 

He sent me another video again today, i think hes gonna try to do one a day and it makes me really happy and its something i can look forward to. Today’s prompt was his pet peeves. Tomorrow i told him to tell me top 5 favourite things about himself. he didnt want to do it cause he doesnt think he is that great and he thinks its ego fuelled. idk i would be tremendously happy if he just saw himself the way i see him, hes such an all around cutie and i adore every bit of him. also, even though this is purely based on videos, i fucking love his figure and his neck and his face shape. what an absolute :heart_eyes: fuck i want to do so many things to this boy i feel so wrong lul. 

OH garrett asked me about saturday morning and i was just :monkaS: why cant i just do things with people and they never ask me about it again smh lol. but i answered in the best way i could.

i spent a lot of money today on clothes :sweat_smile: 

thought about getting johnathan a c9 hoodie, but dont know his size, dont know if he would think its weird, and idk if it would be a good idea to spend so much money on him already, hes not even my bf and i know how impulsive i am on spending money on people i like. so im just gonna wait.

There’s a new band in town and Ive been enjoying their song!

almost got the sad tonight, but so far its calmed

anyways, my back hurts, toodles!

                                                                                                          Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Happenings

26 November 2017

So, blog-ary, events occurred. the night of thanksgiving i went to aarons house to spend time with him. there was a small kickback and unfortunately nikki was there. i wish i could be comfortable but its like what the fuck do i do? anyways, i drank a bit and got high. i got sad, really sad, i may have ended up talking to johnathan on the phone and it was really embarassing. i confessed about how i was almost going to type this long to him the night before and i sent him what it was. i talked to him and told him a lot of stuff that i just keep inside and it was comforting to know that he was there for me but i still felt like i was annoying him and being a burden. i always think that theyre just being nice, i never know if they actually care. he talked with me for an hour or two while i cried in the car. i really didnt want to show that side of myself to him, ive barely talked to him for like 4months and im already being super emotional.

he says i can call him if i need to, but to try and save it for the weekends. i really appreciate that he said that, but i think im still going to be hesitant to call. i dont know, it seems like he actually cares but i still have doubts.

now onto the second night.

-elihana got mad at me cause i left work before her even though it didnt say i was scheduled to pre-close, and i think she is still mad at me and i feel bad but like hello i feel like i shouldnt feel that guilty about it.

- went to sarah’s apartment, it was supes awkward when they got there, then jonathan told me we had to leave by 12 and it really irked me because it was so last minute.

-spent 100$ on a motel room for us since i felt bad that my first place didnt work out and i made them drive all the way down here.

-finessed the shaggy looking lobby worker, he was pretty chill i appreciate his niceness. 

-had lovely small talk with the walmart cashier, and i got to see my wife, brittany w jaren and val.

-had a good time with my friendos.

-johnathan told me that he gets a little jealous when i talk about talking to other guys and for some reason i was really flattered and blushing. i didn’t expect him to be the type and ive been wondering if he was. and he said he didnt expect to be the type to get jealous either but “i guess you’re different, maria-angela linkus” ahh my heart feels so happy when he calls me by my full name.

-johnathan and i talked on the phone for a bit while i went out for a smoke.

-it felt easier to talk to everyone, i was more comfortable and i didnt feel as intimidated talking to cammykins.

-cameron is a god at massages btw

-johnathan called me again before he went to bed, i love talking to this kid.

-cameron kept coming out and checking up on me. first he took my phone and talked to johnathan. then we started talking more about serious stuff. about how much i like/liked? him. i told johnathan we can talk later, cause the conversation was getting intense. i cried a bit and hugged cameron. he told me what happened with julia. he told me that i have someone who cares for me, and that i should focus on him. and he told me “i told myself i wouldn’t get intimate with you today because it wouldnt be fair to you”. he said we can kiss once and be done with it and i told him no i cant just be done. i told him that i cared about him a lot and he just responded with self deprecating things. but bryce kept coming out and interrupting. so i didnt get to have the best conversation with him. 

-cameron threw up all over the bed and bryce.

-garrett cleaned it up.

-cuddled with garrett, some frisky touching happened. 

-went to dennys in the morning, it was a lovely time. wish we could have more outings like this more often.

-talked to johnathan for a bit and explained as best i could atm what happened with cameron and i.

- came home from work and played games with johnathan, austin, tommy, andrew, and dane.

-talked with johnathan and we stayed on call the whole night. im actually really happy that we did that. im literally so in love with this FUCKING BOYYYY. he is super sweet to me and i dont know how he expects me not to fucking fall in love with him. and we talked until his phone died this morning. i was a little bit hornified so i was continuing my persistent determination on getting pictures from him. which eventually we negotiated on settling for a normal PG picture/video of him. (which btw i just got a bit ago AND HES SO FUCKING ATTRACTIVE AND ADORABLE AND HE MAKES ME LAUGH AND SMILE SO FUCKING MUCH GOD I FUCKING LOVE THIS BOY) and we talked about me visiting christmas break and what we would do (and mentioned some sexual things which got me really riled up in the best way possible)

-spent 35$ on video games lul

so yeah in short, im literally fucking in love with johnathan and i dont think it is going to stop anytime soon.

goodnight my dear!

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Lame

23 November 2017

Well things aren’t as great, my dear blog-iary. I feel kind of extra emotional tonight, maybe my period has something to do with it. In fact, im certain it does. But still, im very sadboi atm.

Things were so great for a few days, but things always have to come to an end I guess. 

Johnathan informed his mom about me, and she said that she doesnt mind that he likes me but she doesn’t want him to date someone he’s only going to see 2 times a year and not have any experience in social interaction and dating in highschool. and he agrees with her. Which I understand, but it doesn’t make it suck any less. 

It hurts a lot that I’m not worth it to him. It sucks that I like people a lot more than they like me. It sucks that I fall in love with strangers too easily and get hung up on them. I feel like I would do so much for people and I can never have the feelings returned. Why? Is there something wrong with me? Am I hard to love? Why am i not good enough? Why am I not good enough for the people i like, my friends, my family, myself? I really want to just sleep for a long time, to disappear. Why am I never enough..

i wish i could find my soulmate already. i want to get away and just be happy with someone. I want to listen to music and dance and lay around with the person i love. I want my lover to sing to me. I feel so alone in this world. I’m not doing a very good job of trying to be self-functional.

Anyways, I asked how he wanted to proceed. He said act as before just know that he might talk to other girls. At first, I said I couldn’t do that, it would be volunteer torture. But, I caved and said fuck it. Why not? Worst case: heartbroken, i can learn a fucking lesson, and get over it. Best case: we date or something.

I acted a bit weird and distance for a few days. But idk it just feels weird now. It feels like he doesn’t really like me as much anymore. I ruined it. and now im crying while Im typing this. God I am such a pathetic mess. Please, please universe tell me I wont be alone forever. I hate this. I hate it so much. It hurts not having anyone to be there for you. I really wish I had someone tonight. I don’t know who to call I don’t know who would care.

I guess I can go to bed and cry tonight. 

                                                                                                       Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Smitten

14 November 2017

Look at this, there isn’t such a huge gap from the last time I wrote! I want to make this quick though, so i can sleep. Mucho tiredboi.

Yesterday I planned to be my sleepday. Ive been very sickly and was hoping sleeping all day would help me. I had to wake up early though because I was PLANNING to do homework. (Took a nap instead) 

Went to school. Came home and tried to start my sleepday. Slept for two hours. Woke up and couldnt go back to sleep. Tried listening to claire de lune and concerning hobbits to try and fall asleep. The songs made me sad and happy. I want concerning hobbits to be played at my wedding. 

Finally got up to go eat with Sarah and Orlando. Called Johnnyboy on the drive there. I love talking to him, I wish i could all the time. I hate liking people so far away. It’s so dumb, the future needs to get with the program and build a teleporter or something.

Today I slept as much as I could, not as much as I wanted. Actually put makeup + foundation on today, felt super cute. Sent johnnykins some lewd pictures. Ah he said “damn you look SPICY” and “you’re pretty cute Maria-Angela Linkus.” holy shit Im in love with this boy. he makes me so fucking happy. 

Went to work for two hours, thankfully got to go home early. I really should stop doing that, I need money. I planned to do homework when I got home but got distracted heh :sweat_smile: 

Talked to Johnathan on the phone for a bit, I keep fantasizing about seeing him in real life and going to a cute ice cream shop and sharing a hot fudge sundae and watching the stars someplace. 

He said he should probably let his mom know of my presence and im so worried shes gonna ban him from talking to me :sob:

Sunday night was great, he stayed up and talked to me and he sounds really adorable when he’s on sleeping meds lol. I don’t know if I imagined it but I think i heard him tell me he really liked me, my heart is so ahhh. Plus i cant stop looking at his haircut video, I hope he sends me more videos of himself. I love being able to see him.

Hopefully date with him tomorrow.

Sleepy, toodles and goodnight.

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Remembered

12 November 2017

Guess who remembered to write today B]

Today was a mixture but not above average.

Woke up sickly. Talked to Johnathan :] hes so cute my lord i am in love with this boy. 

Went to eat lunch w my family for Lyle’s bday, very awkward. My aunt didnt even talk to me. I think she hates me. I haven’t seen my cousins in a while, i couldnt tell which one was which. It must suck to have me as a family member.

I took a nap and felt so “i hate my life” when i woke up. I really want to quit i wish i could afford to. 

johnathan tidbit that made me happy today:

-me: youre my favourite song

- him: i have you on repeat

and he tried helping me get up off my ass from my wallowing. i really enjoy him.

work was ugh, 8 hours of misery with slight moments of okayness.

came home, played games with johnnykins, sam, and jacob. it was a fun ride. surprised it lasted till 3am. 

sam is a sweet friend. he thinks cameron has a crush on me and i really wish he didn’t say that. i dont need a reason to keep being attached to him.

Khalid - Another Sad Love Song

im too tired, goodnight

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

PHUCK

 11 November 2017

I haven’t written anything in two months, yikes

ughh I really need to keep up with this shit but i just feel like theres nothing to really write about every night but then 2 months pass and theres so much im missing

well im worried kind of cause someday johnathan might see my blog, and I am trying to keep writing like I would be without knowing someone is going to see it so here it goes, unfiltered feelings

lets start with the boring stuff shall we

withdrew from piano class cause im a quitter, culinary class ended after 4 classes, and english class is still ongoing unfortunately

i quit canes and started working at olive garden

1 cute guy coworker but meh, and like 2-3 cute girls 

speaking of culinary class theres this dude from there, i call him nicholas but his real name is christian. he seems to be very friendly and nice and we have a lot in common but i just have no attraction to him. what a shame, i finally couldve liked someone in the same state as me. but idk it feels like he might like me but he has a gf so maybe im just being narcissistic.

sarah started living with me like in october. its been fun, i like having someone here. i really want to get an apartment with someone.

i am hopefully marrying luke and living with him in colorado, if he is still up for it.

now for actual feelings:

i am pretty head over heels for johnathan. im still conflicted though but i also have a new perspective about “the one”. I know i didn’t like him in that way the first few times i hung out with him, or maybe i did? Now i can’t get enough of him. So maybe “the one” isnt love at first sight, maybe its grown into something great. or maybe it just depends and isnt fixed for each person. idk if its just me with my ability to fall in love super fast but i would literally marry this boy. 

or maybe its because he implanted the thought when he asked me on halloween to marry him. the thing is, I dont remember the context in which he asked me but i know it was a joke. but still its been stuck in my mind. ive had little scenarios in my brain about it.

okay well if johnathan ever reads this, this’ll get weird and probably creepy if it already hasnt. so, i hope you like me enough to get past this lol

the past few nights especially have been great. we talk on the phone for like an hour or two for the past three nights. he makes me so happy. he is such a cutie and he makes me laugh tremendously. i wish he was here. everytime i see a cute couple anywhere i just get really sad. 

before i sleep i read through the nights texts just to soak in the happiness i felt reading them. i also watch like a video or two cause i really enjoy hearing his voice and the way he talks. he has such a unique way of speaking. thats partially why i dont think i could forget or move on from this guy, no one has a way with words like he does. 

i also feel really quilty and weird for having sexual fantasies about him but uhhh i cant help it im a natural born horny sicko.

tonight we spent time with sam and cameron, with a few appearances made by garrett and bryce. i like to think that it went relatively well. cameron is as always a character. 

idk how to feel about cameron actually. i know some part of me is still somewhat in love with him. i cant easily just get over this guy. but i have barely thought about him since usually all i think about is johnathan. is johnathan actually helping me get over cameron or is this just a temporary thing? idk lets see what the future brings us. 

ill trY MY BEST TO KEEP IN TOUCH

listening to bubble gum on repeat isnt good for my emotions but i cant help it.

lately ive been really digging these songs:

The Technicolors - 26 On a Tuesday

Tove Lo - Disco Tits

BØRNS - Faded Heart

BØRNS - Sweet Dreams

im very tiredboi, toodles

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Fuck

11 September 2017

everytime i havent posted in a while, im just going to title it fuck lol

uhhhh what has happened in this past almost month since ive last written...

johnathan came home, we hang out frequently. its mostly with his friends im sad i dont get a lot of alone time with him >...<

i told him i liked him like a week ago lol and he told me he does too. we went on an e-date on thursday, which was fun for the little time we spent together. but I FUCKING MESSED IT UP LIKE THREE DAYS AGO BY BEING A PARANOID SHITFACE

i felt like i wasnt getting enough attention and that i liked him more than he liked me, also i was getting distracted trying to spend time with him instead of working on myself. so i told him maybe we should be friends. ahhh im stupid. i really wish he would like me as much as i did. 

i wish people would like me as much i liked them...

im tired of being so alone :/

i know i need to learn to be okay with it but its difficult.

ive been slipping on my resolutions, i need to get my shit together.

i havent done the last bit of my homework :P

aaron and geoff visited a week ago and we had a nice party, i was high like 4 nights in a row lol. i also may or may not have ended up having sex with someone? we both dont know if we were really high and just imagined it but im pretty sure it happened.

theres like 1 cute person in my class but they dont really have interesting personalities so far :/

i just want to find a best friend or lover..

ive been really wanting to read more of Dirty Pretty Things but i want to finish the grim grotto first.

currently vibing with these songs

Calvin Harris - Hard To Love

Calvin Harris - Feels

Camila Cabello - Havana 

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Dunno

Day ????? 18 August 2017

i dont even know how im feeling today. i felt like i did nothing. it was my dads birthday today. we didnt really do anything but we got delicious cake. 

i sorted out my usbs for the most part. i started a spotify library. havent gotten the premium yet, im waiting for school to start for that. i think i have enough saved for my college classes this semester but i really want a drawing tablet. i should be able to get it by next paycheck hopefully.

i dropped off a present to meriel from tony. i bought 43$ worth of groceries which i kinda regret. 

i sorted out some boxes to figure out which stuff im trying to sell and which ones im just gonna give away. 

watched the last two episodes of the current sherlock season and man that was terrifying.

i played league, won two games today. 

i waxed my face, finally

i read some murakami quotes which i really liked. my two favourites are:

“Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person’s essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?”

“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there’s salvation in life. Even if you can’t get together with that person.”

i want to read his books, but i have to finish the series of unfortunate events first, which is AMAZING btw. probably going to be one of my favourites.

JOHNATHAN COMES HOME IN LIKE 1 OR TWO DAYS :D

im so excited and nervous for school >...<

tired, going to sleep now. goodnight

                                                                                                           Maria Angela

[milksopangela]

Cleaning

Day 4: 10 August 2017

today i started cleaning my room finally. it wasnt as hard as i thought it was going to be tossing out most of the stuff. so far i have a little over one large box-ful of stuff that i am keeping. i have three extra large boxes of stuff that i need to sell/donate. i am currently waiting for my laundry to finish so i can put them away in the morning.

the clean feeling hasnt hit me completely yet. i do feel good that i did so much today. but i just cant wait until im all done and feel relieved. i really hope i can make some money from my stuff.

tomorrow i am going to the college to figure out if i can still get my fafsa stuff since i finally found my passport.

i miss douglas a lot. i really want to get back together with him. im wearing one of his shirts as we speak and im probably going to spray some of his cologne on it tonight :/ im pathetic. i miss him so much. im jealous cause he looks like he is having such a good time with his friends. i wish i had some... i just feel so alone. i wish i had friends who were here and could understand me. i have brett but it just doesnt feel enough. i need someone to hold me at night :/ i just cant wait until college where i can hopefully meet some friends... but im worried that wont happen... 

college starts in 11 days.

i wish douglas would start talking to me again... theres so many memes i want to show him.. i just need him :/ at least as a friend. i wonder if its such a bad idea to try and get back with him... although he will probably never want to be with me again because im such a shitty person who hurts everyone i care about all the time. 

i miss johnathan

i need a friend..

                                                                                                           Maria Angela