metanoiamindsmemoir - Tumblr blog

metanoiamindsmemoir · 4 days ago

Text

Climbing the Mountain of Solitude

Recovery Battle - Fighting Anxiety, Depression and Lonliness

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of reflection and growth. I’ve had to confront the walls I’ve built—walls I once thought protected me but, in some ways, have kept me isolated. There’s a difference between solitude and loneliness, but that line has felt blurred at times.

Letting go has been the hardest lesson to learn. I used to think that caring deeply meant holding on, that if I just communicated more, showed more grace, or worked harder at understanding, things would turn around. But the last woman I cared for taught me a different kind of lesson. I thought she cared about me too—until the moment I refused to help pay her rent. After that, she disappeared without a word. Every time I tried to reach out, to bury the hatchet and find some closure, she was cold, distant, and dismissive.

I kept making excuses for her behavior, telling myself that maybe she was just going through something. But the truth was, she had already moved on—whether emotionally, mentally, or even physically.

I held onto that for longer than I should have. And when I finally snapped and sent a long text laying out everything I wasn’t happy about—some things I probably shouldn’t have said—I had a breakthrough. I finally saw the pattern.

These women, as they got to know me, weren’t seeing my kindness for what it was. They saw it as weakness. My willingness to accommodate, to try to build something real, wasn’t met with appreciation but with contempt. What I saw as patience, they saw as desperation. What I thought was strength in commitment, they mistook for a lack of confidence.

It was a hard truth to swallow, but in some way, it set me free. It made me realize I don’t need to chase validation. I don’t need to prove my worth to someone who never saw it to begin with. And yet, if I’m honest, part of my ambition—the fire that keeps me pushing forward—is still tied to the need to prove something. To prove to anyone who ever doubted my value or my potential for success that they were wrong.

That they were short-sighted to write me off and treat me like nothing more than a gnat at a BBQ—an afterthought, a nuisance, something to be brushed away without a second glance.

But I won’t let that be my driving force. I know that true success isn’t found in proving people wrong—it’s in proving to myself that I was always enough. That I don’t need their validation, their approval, or even their acknowledgment. I only need to walk the path God has set before me.

The work keeps me focused. Building something meaningful. Pushing forward. Striving for excellence. But I won’t let work become an escape.

I don’t want to fill the silence with distractions. I want to sit in it, listen, grow. I want to use this season to become the man God is shaping me to be.

Every mountain has a peak, and I know I’m climbing mine.

The solitude isn’t forever; it’s a path, a refining fire, a time of becoming. And when the time is right, when I am ready—God will bring the right people into my life, those who are equally yoked, those who will walk with me rather than pull me off course.

Until then, I trust. I work. I grow. And I keep my eyes on the One who never leaves me, even in the quiet.

1 note · View note