metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

✨Name a food and I won’t eat it in June!✨

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Try watching food timelapse’s! Those make me nearly throw up and lose my appetite for a whole day. I recommend Temponaunt Timelapse on YouTube

anyone else like to pretend that food has bugs in it or is contaminated just to lose your appetite. it works but makes me feel crazy sometimes lol.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Skipping dinner for the first time in a long while.

Same with staying in bed so I didn’t eat breakfast.

Are the habits coming back?

Secretly, I hope so.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Let me help you a bit love

Your thoughts and the mirror are right, you're fat. Stop complaining and start starving.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

recently ive fallen asleep tracing my kn!fe across my wrist nonstop while whispering to myself how i cant cut like a hypnotic manic lullaby until i pass out from exhaustion after not letting myself sleep for as long as possible (trying for 24 hours)

must be some new level of crazy, i like it

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

letting myself waste away

first it was 6 p!lls just to get a feel for it, ttoday it was 12

lets see what tomorrow may bring us, maybe it will get worse today was only some headaches, no focusing, and dissociation (so nothing THAT bad)

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Does anyone else start typing an answer for homework and type the first thing that comes to mind?

I just wrote "Even though samurais are sad and depressed they kick butt". This has nothing to do with what I was going to say about samurais lol

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

You know you're a new kind of sick when the only way you don't hurt yourself is if you're dissociating or asleep.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Guess who keeps gaining and losing the same 5lbs because my lover begs me to eat, even though they are ana & mia and refuse to eat sometimes too 🥰

I thought we would be on the same page on this stuff at least but NoOOoOo, skipping meals is all of a sudden a bad thing because they now have a partner that does it too.

What do I do..? I honestly have no idea... please help..

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Mental Stability Goes Bye Bye

Yesterday I think I had the worst panic attack of my life.

I panicked hard, cried, and ranted/blamed my cheerleading coach all during practice. I have been cheering for years, I love my teammates/ stunt group this year, and my coaches all know me so well. Cheer is something I want to get a scholarship for.

How could I panic so much that during a 3 hour practice of something I've enjoyed for years, almost made me walk out and quit?

-_-

Make it make sense.

Help. My mental stability is steadily leaving me.

And don't even get me STARTED on my academics getting affected!

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

eventually you realize you don’t want to die. you just don’t want to live the life you’re living. and slowly you try to create a life you want to live. just gotta start there.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

I needa rant real quick

NGL I'm going through shit rn. This will be a quick jot down rant :) It's going to be by category so you can scan through. If you could give any tips that would be very helpful, im lost.

SCHOOL

I have a HUGE test that is the hole reason I've been in my schools program for the past 4 years. It decides how my next 2 years of school will be. Its in 9 days and they JUST told us YESTERDAY.

My grades are coming out tomorrow and I am going to get two grades I'm not happy about. I think I'm a complete failure. I know i'm an idiotic failure. A 99.05% in violin when I should have EASILY got a 100% (on one test I got a 94/100. that's it). A 85.5% in Math, I really wanted to get all A's. I could have just studied more for the tests, tried harder in general, and study for 5 hours+ a day.

MENTAL

Idk how to describe it but I feel like getting it off my chest, im dealing with some mental stuff. It's like I have people living in my brain, idk. Its kinda messing with me and how I go through my day. Some times I start texting/ thinking in third person, write in completely different handwriting, and sometimes I refuse to write down my given name and want to write down a completely different one. Sometimes I even convince myself I'm someone else; that I have a different age, name, and personality.

I want to relapse on my bad eating habits (I'm not diagnosed with anything and probably don't have an ED). I cant decide if I want to focus on eating healthy (only fruits and vege), force myself to stop binging on snacks, or continue to binge. IDK if i want to keep being fat, be a stick, or get fit.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Based on my observations I think there's 2 types of anorexics

The monster chugs and The sparkling water slugs

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

I am a horrible friend

I have a friend in school that I meet a few months ago. Lets call him “O”. I’ve learned that O had anorexia, he told our friend group bc he trauma dumbs a lot but whatever. I look up to O. A lot. But for all of the wrong reasons. O has been through hell and back, has trauma, and had bad anorexia that got to the point where he was loosing hair. O is recovered now, but did make it known that he may relapse and get sent back again. And the sick thing is. I want to be like him. He is noticed, everyone likes him, he’s hot, he is skinny. I like O, and he told me to my face that he does not like me romantically and most likely never will. It broke my heart (I get emotionally attached quickly). I had the idea that if O got sent to recovery... I would crank up my disordered eating and become as small as possible for him when he gets back.

I know it’s so so fucking wrong but I will do it unannounced to anyone. Make it as unnoticed as possible. I want to suffer and become skinny either fit or unhealthy. Whichever comes first.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

I need to start my habits for the new years early. I tried to start today by folding the clothes that where on my floor for the past month. I got to only a few shirts. I act like I didn’t have enough time to fold the clothes, but I had enough time to have 3 meals and 5 separate snacks today... Doesn’t add up. So tomorrow my plan is to be as painfully busy as possible. All chores and tasks come first. I need to be punished for this so, no normal body functions like food or the bathroom until a certain task is finished. And the needs are pushed back further and further until I get enough done. The only thing I will let myself do on my own time is workout, because I desperately need to start working out. So main goal: Workout, eat only when forced to (hopefully not at all), and get everything on my list done.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

12/20

A disappointing day. I went through a bunch of pro-ana resources (tumbler posts, pictures, websites) last night and was pumped for today, thinking I was going to stick to my plan and do more damage to myself than I usually do. Which is what I wanted. But today I messed up. Big time.

Fasted from 5pm (12/19)[month/day] to 11am (12/20). 18 hours total. Only 18. I could have easily made it to 20- 24 hours.

Horrid.

Food diary- Morning: One sip of Swiss Miss hot chocolate. At school/ Lunch: Bag of cheetos, school turkey and bacon sandwich, (I had more but I don’t remember smh), 4 mints (5 cal each). Dinner: 4 separate servings of pretzel chips (most straight out of bag so its not measured), entire bowl of shrimp fried rice, entire bowl of homemade chicken greens and rice meal, medium grape fruit, tea (Rn bc my stomach hurts like hell from being stuffed with food all day)

. . . Absolutely disgusting.

Now I’m asking for your help. I am horrible at calculating calories so if you know how please give me an estimate. I need a punishment because I binged and ate when I wasn’t supposed to. Last, I need a workout to do to get of the extra calories I ate today, preferably no jumping.

[metanoia-of-a-hobbledehoy]

Since I have a few people that are in the Ed community following me, I guess I’ll share my stats 🤷‍♀️

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Just for you to know I do NOT have any form of Ed whatsoever. And I’m not just someone in denial that won’t get help. I legit don’t have any signs for Ed, I’m not diagnosed by a doctor, I don’t purge, I don’t starve. I am just someone who uses things from online Ed community’s to push/punish myself for when I fuck up. I am not someone who is “hoping to get Ed one day” and I mean no harm to the community. But that’s not saying if I support them or not, that’s for me to know.

Height- 5’7”

Sw- 136lbs

Cw-129 (as of 12/19)

Gw- 120lbs (Back to when It was pre covid and I was active)

Gw2- 115lbs

Ugw-110lbs (Don’t really care if I get under this)

Average calories consumed- 3,700 /day (complete guess, don’t use calorie tracker)

*Suggest things for me to add*