melancholyinterdimensionalalien

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

reality is my nightmare

TW/// drugs, suicidal ideation, nightmares, glenn hetrick

*

*

pills pills pills. thats all thats on my mind i guess. I went to bed thinking that sleep would calm the loud voices in my head telling me im worthless and nothing. waking up in my dream, i found myself at an alice in wonderland tea party with celebrities and my family. a plethora of food and music played as i sat there with a knife in one hand and pills in the other. glenn hetrick turned his head and told me that i wouldn’t do it and why would i do it. for some reason, i just was so.......out of it? i just remember thinking “sleep forever sounds nice”. i popped the pills (4 of them) and instantly felt a rush of sleep hit me. blacking in and out, i found myself causing chaos in the dream until everyone around me started to hate me. whispers of “she is faking it”, “she just wants pity”, “get a life”, “she wouldn’t even do it” filled my head as i felt the world of my dream spinning down the drain of shit. i find myself on the floor staring at the ceiling with an open bottle of pills. i grab 2 more and then glenn peaks over saying “why?’. I respond with......”cause why not”. I hear my sister tell glenn “she is a faker. she is like my best friend who attempted only because she wants attention. its pathetic”. with no hesitation, i pop the pills. was i scared? yes.....i didn’t know what was on the other side......god? satan? darkness?.......nothing?........but those fears didn’t stop me as i began to have comfort fill my soul. I felt.........happy. everything was gonna be done.....everything......and then i wake up to find myself here in reality. still lonely. still little to no friends. still trans. still......me. is my brain shutting down and telling me to give up? i hope not.......but idk its not scaring me. its just......confusing me. i wish i had answers but all i have are the scars, tears, pain, and loneliness that keep me up at night. 

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

opened wounds

looking at the sky, i picture that orange empty sun to be a bullet wound burning through my skull. i guess u can tell i am not doing well lol. i have lost everybody around me. I lost my best friend, i am losing my other best friends because of the latter, and someone that i actually cared is going to a different country. i dont know how to feel anymore. is sadness this painful, or am i experiencing a different emotion? I tried to apologize to her before she left....but i was too late. i fucked up what was working in my life. i feel that i am falling down the rabbit hole that i had before except i cant escape to the mental hospital. people probably wonder why i am writing these posts. is it because i am a self centered bitch that just wants attention and pity? maybe. is it because i crave the love and affection that i dont think i receive enough from my family and friends? maybe. however, i write these entries so that if i die....when i die....people can know that it wasn’t just because “life sucks and i couldn’t deal with it like a normal human being” but rather that life is utter hell and i would rather experience the darkness of the afterlife than just this entire planet. im not scared of death....im scared of how okay i am with death.....how numb i have become from death.....like how i look at the apocalyptic sky and see the sun as not something that is terrifying and fear invoking, but as a bullet exist wound in my head that comforts me....

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

i’m not okay.....that is not a reference to mcr

i feel that in order to get help, and/or to even be noticed by others that you are not okay, there has to be extreme signs of not being able to function and just overall looking like something is wrong. thats why everyone doesnt take my depression seriously. i feel that i have to do something drastic in order to get the help that i need. even when i had a plan to commit suicide and scars on my arm showing the pain i was going through, the police still said, “those aren’t fresh scars....like do you have any fresh wounds?”....i remember sitting there thinking even when i am being completely transparent people still didnt wanna listen to me. this past weekend has been the lowest i have felt since my hospitalization. i do not know if it’s because i am scared of being homeless and going back to sex working, but something triggered me. however, no one wants to listen. i havent gotten a check up text from anyone even though i told everyone how low i am feeling. my family is still thinking i am fine even though i had an emotional breakdown so badly that i started to laugh uncontrollably during my moment of tears. does no one care because they see me still cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making dinner, cleaning my room, and posting on my socials once in a while? probably. and people yell to the sky asking this floating man in the sky called god why he didnt show them the signs of this person’s extreme depression and suicidal ideation....i dont know anymore. i dont care to know anymore. i wanna just get high and drunk so that my emotions are gone from me and all i feel is the numbness that pulsates through my body from the drugs and alcohol. 

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

what is going on.....

so i just found out that my ex gave one of my best friends his number after we fought so that she can text him about me so that he can keep check on me.....im confused and angry

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

is anyone listening?

day in and day out, i feel alone. i wake up from my restless slumber thinking about how i feel so alone and just distant from everyone. each hour passes and each day leaves me. i just dont feel that i am ever going to experience the things i have always wanted to experience. i feel like no one cares about my sadness and just overall loneliness. i dont ask for a cure from people. i am not asking for anyone to take away this feeling, but at least let me vent and just be there for me. should i speak up to my friends and family about how i feel? maybe. but i wont because i know i will be portrayed as a problematic cunt. my therapist said that i should evaluate my friendships and relationships to determine who would be helpful for me to vent to......im scared that i cant vent to anyone. i feel like crying my eyes out. i wanna get rid of this sadness. i wanna cure it myself. i wish that i wouldnt have to rely on others, but.....idk.....i just wanna be alone but obviously it wont help......im bound to be alone, depressed, and maybe even dead

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

i’m sitting here contemplating if i should get high again or drunk again.....maybe both?

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

hell sounds nice

is it weird to me that heaven sounds like hell and hell sounds like heaven? idk. i just feel that i am doomed to be lonely and fucked for life, so hell doesnt sound that terrible. my life rn IS hell. i feel alone constantly. i surround myself with hulu, drugs, netflix, alcohol, mania, and naps. i wake up in the middle of the night fearful of the way i am never going to fully transition. my suicidal thoughts buzz in my mind like the locust that plagued Egypt. i never can get a full sleep. my dreams turn into nightmares no matter the dream. i can dream about transitioning but then in the same dream i will die from a hate crime and/or end up alone. i recently dreamt that i was stuck in the mental hospital and forced to live there. i tried to commit suicide over and over, but my arm would heal. i couldnt get release. it was awful. is it a sign to keep fighting because i have so much more to give? maybe, but to me, right now, it feels like a nightmare because i cannot even get the pleasure of death even in my dreams. hell sounds nice. people who are fucked like me stuck in eternal nightmares. sounds better than now. my life IS hell. so how bad can hell be if i am already in it?

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

flight

i looked out the car window today and saw a gigantic ass crow eating a dead squirrel....without a car....without a worry....just enjoying the dead carcass of an animal that suffered from death. i wish i was that crow that can just fly away at its problems and find enjoyable things, however in reality, im the squirrel. am i dead? i wish. am i being eaten? i wish (sexually lmao). but the squirrel is being used at its lowest point (death) by this crow. i feel that has been my entire life. being used and helping people even when i am at my lowest. i wish that it wasnt like that but only i can blame myself for this torture. my family opened up to me about their suicidal thoughts and how they suffer with them....i find it funny that they shamed me for my suicide attempt/mental hospitalization. i am trying to fight to become that crow, but it seems that i am just destined to be another fucking dead squirrel that is going to be used even in death....is death even peaceful after knowing that?......idk

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

love is bullshit

i just hate that i have this hopeless idea of love. i picture that i am going to have a guy or someone come to me and tell me how much they need me in their life. how i am a missing piece of their puzzle of life. is it wrong for me to have this fantasy of love? i dreamt a day ago that the guy i am talking to came to my house and spent the night. my family loved him, and he was very talkative. when we went into my room, he came into my bed and caressed my face. he whispered, “i love you. i dont know how to always express that to you, but you are the most beautiful woman. you are my Aphrodite, and I am your Anchises.” did my dream pick that greek story because my brain knew love cannot exist with me? maybe I am bound to just help others figure their love, but when it comes to me, i am just bound to view love on the outside. anyways, the dream continues, and we go outside my room. we stare at the moon, and he tells me to kiss him. we kiss passionately, and he lifts me up and i wrap my legs around him. i fall to the floor with him because our lips cannot be separated. he holds me in his arms, and i wake up. i wake up from this dream to realize that i am stuck in a reality nightmare. i am living the thing i always feared. love seems like a distant dream that i can only experience once my eyes close and i am so high on drugs. maybe thats why death seemed so peaceful for me. maybe i could live in my dreams forever. fuck you, love. 

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

i wanna be obsolete and i feel like im drifting deeper into my depression 

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

loneliness

words have no purpose. no matter how much i talk to anyone in my life...i still feel lonely and out of it. maybe it will be better later on in life, but it scares me that i wont have a “later on in life”....not just because of my mental state but also because of the state of the world. transphobia. murders. climate change. debt. im scared. i dont wanna talk to anyone because sometimes its so exhausting. like i love seeing my friends and family, but maybe it will be better if i just leave. idk. im so out of it lmao it could be the high or just me crying out of sadness. idk anymore yall...i wanna get out of this funk but it keeps lasting and i dont know why i cant get out of it. im just so lonely and the only time im not lonely is in my dreams.....i wanna live in dreams. fuck this world.

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

the lack of fear

death isnt scary. horror movies arent scary. addiction and depression is scary. i dont know how to get out of this funk of being depressed. i do nothing all day and instead i just cook food and watch movies on amazon. i have nothing to look forward to. my love life is a bust. my transitioning is slowly turning into a distant dream. and my friendships are becoming too dependent where i see even if i get into the smallest fight or disagreement, i start thinking of the countless ways they will leave me. i dont know maybe i am destined to live a short life. will depression win? idk......i hope not........but it is metamorphosing me into a rotted lumber in the mud. 

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

drugs and exs

im really falling into a deep hole of going back to my abusive ex and getting more weed so that i can hide under my covers and watch bojack horseman til i rot.....how r yall doing?

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

transphobia

so like im scared for my fucking life rn...three trans women were assaulted in my county....well....also i havent showered in like 8 days so i guess depression won this round

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

i hate being fucking trans

so finished watching the first three episodes of euphoria. I'm feeling so lonely and just hopeless of my future as a trans woman. i am 20 and still i have yet to experience the idea of love and affection that these trans women have in these fucking entertainment medias. i sit here wanting to cry my eyes out because i just wanna experience some sort of happiness. i wanna feel something other than just complete depression and shit. i wanna be happy. i wanna have someone blow up my phone with messages of how much they love me and wanna be with me. i wanna experience the mutual affection and effort that i see these relationships have in these tv show and movies. i don't know what else to do. i try dating apps. i try social media. i put in so much effort for these people and i get nothing in return. i give up. i am tired of doing anything anymore. i haven't even showered for 6 fucking days cause i don't know how to feel anymore. i just don't care cause nothing seems to work with anything i put effort into. 

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

what motivates me to fight so that i can get these after this fucking pandemic 

[melancholyinterdimensionalalien]

idk what to do anymore

i am laying in my bed rn listening to stupid ass lady gaga and idk what to do anymore. I am legitimately tired of fighting. it could have been the fact that i need everyone and everyone keeps leaving me or ignoring my cries for help. i am scared of my own thoughts. “in a world where no one is innocent” fuck you ariana grande! so what if no one is innocent?? people still deserve love, success, and just being happy and experiencing happiness. however, maybe she is right. maybe i am depressed because i dont deserve it. idk yall. sometimes i wish days would be easier but as i try to fight this sadness its just so hard to continuously fight it. whatever.