medanperan - Tumblr blog

[medanperan]

you drew up some good faith treaties i drew curtains closed drank my poison all alone you said i have to trust more freely but diesel is desire you were playin' with fire and maybe it's the past that's talkin' screamin' from the crypt telling me to punish you for things you never did so I justified it all that bloodshed, crimson clover the bombs were close

and

my hand was the one you reached for

[medanperan]

i need to hear this today.

ah, semoga dilancarkan semua yang sedang disemogakan. ini bulan baik dan Allah maha baik. kalau Dia sudah iya, yang lain gabisa enggak. bismillah bismillah.

dari perjalanan kehidupan saya, saya belajar bahwa semua hal yang baik buat saya sudah seharusnya tidak membuat saya ragu. banyak hal membuat saya cemas, khawatir, dan mungkin takut, tapi bukan ragu. ragu adalah harga mati bahwa hal tersebut sudah seharusnya direlakan. dan tidak apa-apa. penggantinya lebih baik. Allah lebih tau. yang penting setiap langkah melibatkan Allah, bismillah, berharap ada rida-Nya setiap kaki bergerak.

ada aja gitu yang diusahain mati-matian malah ga dapet, tapi yang ga diusahain banget malah dapetnya semudah itu.

(dan tetep ada yang diusahain mati-matian & dapet dan lebih banyak lagi yang ga diusahain & gadapet sama sekali)

jadi ya usahain aja semua yang bisa diusahain, biar Allah yang nentuin supaya yang terjadi adalah yang terbaik menurut Allah.

[medanperan]

years ago i had fights with my father and every time it happened i almost killed myself. recently it happened again, the fight wasn't as intense but he's always the same person: an irrational overthinker, an emotionally immature person, and a narcissist. and the worst of all: he never listens. i don't want to kill myself anymore but sure as hell i've been thinking that life would be so much better for everyone without him. but i have to be a good child so i keep it all for myself. besides, he's sick and he doesn't know it. and he's all in denial about every bad trait he has (as narcissists do). i almost lost my sanity. i just....i hope nobody has someone like him in their lives.

and i am praying hard that my children, or anyone's child, would never have to have a father like him.

i mean...he's just very anxious and he panics all the time and he's delusional and he doesn't want to admit it so he'd never get anywhere near being able to manage his thoughts and emotions. besides, he's retired so he has nothing to do but overthink things and he's also antisocial: he doesn't have friends and avoids socializing on a daily basis. in short, he's problematic and he lives in his head. in his head, he's always right and everyone else is lost. and no we couldn't get him to the doctor because he talks shit every time he comes home from the hospital and never believes the doctor because in his head the doctors are not as smart as he is. mental disorder is real and this is sad. i hope to never inherit it from him or get influenced by his erratic behaviors.

[medanperan]

and, of course, it's not always that good and it doesn't always feel good. being friends makes us feel okay to criticize, and sometimes in a way we don't know (yet) that triggers each other. being best friends makes us sometimes cross lines in our jokes. him being a brother makes us sometimes have to get our egos hurt because we're too comfortable being too honest. being partners sometimes create pressure when we're so much in our heads. being lovers can be a problem too because apparently i am too good at separating logic from feelings when in relationship it's better to combine both, too heavy on logic makes everything flat but too heavy on feelings makes everything too overwhelming. besides, we didn't come from safe places and it's a damn hard work to build one but i am telling you it's all worth it.

the way i see it, i'm lucky enough to find someone to talk to and appreciate me talking and everything feels real. when we agree, we go on and when we disagree, we discuss (as easy as this sounds, this feels heavy sometimes because not all problems can be solved in an hour or two like it could take days but i wouldn't want it any other way because even when it's hard and it takes forever to solve some problems, we still talk, we still walk, we still hold hands, and we still have each other because we've worked hard on building this and we believe in the concept of soulmates so anyone else could be more than our partner but everything shines until it gets rusty and we've found our ones that will keep each other shines.

the best thing about him is that he's not just my lover. he's also a friend, we tell each other some nonsenses and small talk things. he's also a best friend, we can be the weirdest we could ever be and there's no judgement. he's like the coolest person on earth but we're so silly when we're together. he's also a brother, we annoy each other and being all comfortable showing the worst side of us because family doesn't leave. he's also a partner, we talk about vision, missions, plan things, evaluate things, and maintain the amazing ship we're in. and the best part is he's a lover; he's a safe place to go home to.

[medanperan]

the best thing about him is that he's not just my lover. he's also a friend, we tell each other some nonsenses and small talk things. he's also a best friend, we can be the weirdest we could ever be and there's no judgement. he's like the coolest person on earth but we're so silly when we're together. he's also a brother, we annoy each other and being all comfortable showing the worst side of us because family doesn't leave. he's also a partner, we talk about vision, missions, plan things, evaluate things, and maintain the amazing ship we're in. and the best part is he's a lover; he's a safe place to go home to.

[medanperan]

i cry a lot and i love romanticize the sadness (i'd even play a dedicated sad playlist to boost the gloomy vibe) but my boyfriend makes up a song about how cry baby i am and he sings it everytime i am crying. it breaks up the character and the whole i-want-to-be-sad mood.

[medanperan]

the catch is: ego kalian bakal sering banget kesenggol dan unpack masing2 baggage itu capek banget. banyak bahan ngobrol ya banyak kemungkinan ada aja yang jadi bahan berantem. apalagi gue masih banyak PR dari kejadian2 di masa yang udah lewat, jadi sering banget triggered dan gatau harus gimana dan seringnya jadi bikin masalah. doi juga manusia biasa, yang ada capeknya. dan gue sm doi juga banyak banget bedanya (ini salah satu yg bikin kita di awal banyak nanya "kita yakin bisa? kita kan banyak bedanya. ini bukan cuma gara2 hormon seneng2 di awal kan?" dsb). yang gue syukuri adalah kita tetep sama2 commit buat ada & jaga hubungan kita. kadang gampang & bahagia, tapi ada waktunya yang rasanya susah banget. tapi seenggaknya, kita sama2 mau belajar dan sama2 mau sama satu sama lain sampe seterusnya.

bayangin punya pasangan yang lo bisa cerita apapun ke dia. apapun. bener-bener gaperlu pake filter apa-apa. dan dia juga melakukan hal yang sama ke lo. ya gabakal selalu akur dan gaada jaminan jadi ga ribut tapi lo tau seenggaknya semuanya real. kalian saling dukung di hal yang emang bener dan saling ngingetin (dan rada ngatur2) di hal yang perlu diperbaikin. semuanya dibilang. lo gaperlu nebak isi kepalanya doi & doi gaperlu nebak isi kepala lo. semuanya diselesaiin. kadang langsung selesai, kadang berhari-hari, tapi semua masalah harus selesai & ga dibiar2in. dan meskipun ada masalah, lo tetep gandeng tangan dia dan bilang lo gabakal ke mana-mana. dan dia tetep ngerangkul lo dan nanyain gimana hari lo dan tetep nanya lo mau makan apa & nyiapin makanannya. kalian marah & nangis & capek tapi ga matiin telpon, ga mending pulang, ga keluar kamar. penat banget & pengen nyerah tapi tetep kiriman reels & tetep cium kening. harus tetep sama-sama karena setiap berantem ya harus diselesaiin. dicari kenapa, salahnya masing2 apa, dan jangan diulangin lagi. mau gue cari di mana lagi yang kaya gini?

[medanperan]

unpopular opinion: people say 'when they really love you, they'll accept you the way you are and never try to change you' but i personally don't agree with that. some people in the past told me they loved me and they never tried to change who i was and it supposed to be a good thing but i felt like they never paid attention and didn't help me grow. i'd rather be with myself than wasting my time with people who potentially get in the way. i need someone to tell me when i am good enough, sure. but i also need that person to tell me when i am being a jerk and when i am not in the best state i could be. and they don't just tell me, they help me figure things out and support my way of changing the bad habits. what i love about my boyfriend is that he tells me when i am good and he tells me when i am being a bitch. he's honest and real. sometimes i am being denial and we're getting into arguments and it ends up in whether 1) he's right and we'll find a way for me to work on it, or 2) he's wrong and we'll find a way for him to work on why it is a problem for him. but it makes me appreciate his words; because his words are as real as he is. he's paying attention. just because he doesn't like one or two of my habits and he communicates it, doesn't mean his love isn't there. matter of fact, it's because he loves so he cares. i know this may not be applicable for everyone but this is how it works with me. for me, when we love each other we'll help each other grow. we'll tell each other what's good to keep and what needs to be improved. and we help each other along the way.

p.s. relationship is a very broad subject and it's not fair to tell you that this is the best way of being in relationship. this is what works for me & my partner but it's because all of the things that we both are, which i didn't mention who we were, our backgrounds, our believes, etc on the paragraph above. this is just one of the perspectives. whatever way that works on maintaining your relationship is the best one for you and i hope you get to be with the love of your life for the rest of your life.

[medanperan]

when i was really young i liked some boys and it felt amazing; maybe it was love, maybe it was not; i was too young to tell which one it was. at first i didn't expect thing to last, but as i grew up the intensity of the feeling made me want some boys to be in my life so bad. i never really had them tho. i thought i wanted them but apparently i didn't. the relationships felt like escape rooms. it was nice to pay the ticket but once i was in there i wanted to get out of there as fast as i could and won the game. the major problem was i didn't know that love wasn't a game. and when i knew, i drew myself because i didn't want to hurt anyone. little did i know it hurt people way worse. so i gave myself a great distance from everyone. it wasn't so easy and i was hurting myself. and i told myself that there were no such a thing as love. people just get together and thought it was love but it was all illusion. so i didn't think much of love. i started focusing on myself, building good relationships with friends and family, working on my education and seeking out some new experiences like student exchange and internship. and in that very time, at my internship i met someone. i liked him, sure, but i didn't have any expectations since he was out of my league. and we got close. and i still put my walls on because we talked about how we couldn't tell so much about what was actually going on because it was too early and the good hormones clouded our judgement. we didn't come from places where love was something real and comforting so we worked hard in this relationship. it was difficult to let our guard down and put all of our cards on the table. it was a hell of a journey to try to be vulnerable to each other and to get through both of our egos to save the relationship. but it is working and i am forever thankful that we found each other. i am forever grateful that i found a person who wants to learn about me and all of the things that made me and help me to be the best version of me. and i vow to do the same thing for him.

and this is my prayer, everyday: dear God, if i'm ever getting married and ended up with a person for the rest of my life, i want it to be him.

[medanperan]

bayangin punya pasangan yang lo bisa cerita apapun ke dia. apapun. bener-bener gaperlu pake filter apa-apa. dan dia juga melakukan hal yang sama ke lo. ya gabakal selalu akur dan gaada jaminan jadi ga ribut tapi lo tau seenggaknya semuanya real. kalian saling dukung di hal yang emang bener dan saling ngingetin (dan rada ngatur2) di hal yang perlu diperbaikin. semuanya dibilang. lo gaperlu nebak isi kepalanya doi & doi gaperlu nebak isi kepala lo. semuanya diselesaiin. kadang langsung selesai, kadang berhari-hari, tapi semua masalah harus selesai & ga dibiar2in. dan meskipun ada masalah, lo tetep gandeng tangan dia dan bilang lo gabakal ke mana-mana. dan dia tetep ngerangkul lo dan nanyain gimana hari lo dan tetep nanya lo mau makan apa & nyiapin makanannya. kalian marah & nangis & capek tapi ga matiin telpon, ga mending pulang, ga keluar kamar. penat banget & pengen nyerah tapi tetep kiriman reels & tetep cium kening. harus tetep sama-sama karena setiap berantem ya harus diselesaiin. dicari kenapa, salahnya masing2 apa, dan jangan diulangin lagi. mau gue cari di mana lagi yang kaya gini?

[medanperan]

he's mad all day but he still drove me to work and drove me back & asked what i wanted for dinner & prepared the meal.

when my bf can't sleep he'd mind his own business and let me having a safe & sound sleep.

but when i can't sleep he won't have a good sleep because i am whining all night about how i can't sleep.

[medanperan]

i am a middle child and it's crazy how well i get along with the first borns; my brother, my mother, my best friends, my boyfriend, and basically every first borns.

[medanperan]

Allah tuh selalu punya cara untuk menghibur hati hati yang gelisah.

Jadi kenapa mesti resah?

[medanperan]

are we all damaged goods or it's just us here two people losing our mind when mercury in retrogade

[medanperan]

i swear the world could fall apart for all i care but when we kiss nothing matters but us.

[medanperan]

my love is not fragile but i am fragile. i can love someone with my whole heart & still love them no matter how every small inconvenience breaks me apart. it's tragic, to say the least. but this is how i love; strong on the bound with others, very weak within my own self. and this reminds me of something, like what is it called, oh yes, it is ✨self-sabotage✨

[medanperan]

just realized i never knew the right things to say. and it's even sadder than i didn't realize it as the problem; that i was the problem. it was me all along.