mdseavoy

[mdseavoy]

Untitled

01/19/20

It’s been awhile. I’ve lost a lot of the motivation and ambition I had coming out of treatment. I was happy to be home, but unhappy that home is now with my grandfather. I’m in an unhealthy environment for early recovery. I need more positive vibes. The lockdown has both my “roommate”, and I, getting shack happy. That motivation and ambition is still there somewhere, but for now, it is lost.

I have a lot to be grateful for. A couple of weeks ago I spent a Saturday snowshoeing, followed by, recording an original tune with a former bandmate and good friend. I’ve been friends with both of these guys since around kindergarten. It had been a long time since I had such an eventful day! It temporarily recharged me, but again, this environment it doesn’t take long to start feeling down. Still, I had a lot of fun and appreciate having good friends! I know some people have very few, if any, true friends. I have a lot.

This past Friday I graduated from my LiveOps 01/04/21 class. I completed two weeks of intensive training and a lot of homework. I ran into technical difficulties with my new computer and had to reinstall all of the companies software. For three days I could do very little. I had a lot of catching up to do, but I did it! I lost that ambition I had at the start of training, so I relied on discipline to complete the courses. When one tool in the toolbox doesn’t work, try another! I’ve collected a lot of tools over the years, I just haven’t been using them right.

It took a lot longer for my work equipment to arrive, so I was left with the scraps when it comes to picking shifts this week. I grabbed an evening shift on Saturday and Sunday. There were a lot of those open! Now that I graduated, I have my equipment, and I’m on the schedule, I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. If you knew how I feel when my depression and anxiety kick in, you’d understand it was a major feat to apply myself as I did. I didn’t just pass the class, I know what the hell I’m doing. This job gives me an opportunity to work from home (and keep working from home just about anywhere I decide to move), earn good money and start paying and saving, and most importantly at the moment, it gives me something to do! This is just another major step in the rebuilding of my life.

I still plan to do construction work this summer, but I don’t know on what level. I may reboot Skyline, work for another company, or most likely, I’ll do freelance work here and there. Building is my passion, but “in these trying times”, it’s a good idea to have a backup job. I choose my own hours and have a minimum of only five hours a week to keep my position. Well, technically I’m an independent contractor working THROUGH LiveOps to provide SUPPORT to TurboTax (Intuit) customers. Even when I’m not building, I’m working for myself! All you need is a 1099, baby!

I’m grateful for Treatment Court. I’m glad I was given a chance. I don’t consider myself a criminal. I consider myself a sick man (alcoholism) who does criminal activities when deep in the bottle. I never would have done the things I did this summer sober. I wish I had kept that momentum going! I was stronger, happier, prideful, a success as far as I was concerned. The old demons came back, though. Apparently I wasn’t as ready as I had thought. Did I finally hit my rock bottom? I thought my suicide attempt HAD to be it. 

I am six months sober, now! I am on the right path! There’s no doubting that, but I was so SURE that I had won the war, and now I just don’t know... I’m just fighting. I don’t have half of the strengths I had during my last good stint of sobriety (ten months). Other addicts and my consolers have told me that I may just be humbled. Perhaps my last relapse had to happen. Maybe not. I’ll never know and it’s in the past, so there’s no sense in dwelling on it. I’m going to keep moving forward, even on the bad days, until there are almost no more bad days and I find peace. 

My next big ambitious adventure will be a camping expedition on the edge of my grandpa’s 40 acers. I plan to do it soon this month. I’ve camped in November, during deer season, with my brother Travis, but it was a warm November with only a dusting of snow. We’re experiencing a mild winter, so why not? I’ve always wanted to do it! No tent, limited supplies, and all alone. I’ll have my dog, Whiskey, with me. Other than that, alone with my thoughts and an escape from negativity. No news media, Facebook, politics, or a grumpy grandpa! Just me and my dog!

I tore my stomach muscles when I was DTing in the drunk tank in Iron River. I was puking THAT violently! I probably should have been in the ER. Nothing comes close to the withdraws I experienced in Houghton County, though! I literally thought I was going to die! I shit you not! I thought to myself, “God, please not in a jail cell!”

My hip has been bothering me a lot again lately. I think its from the snowshoeing, but I’m not giving that up! I do it on a daily basis at least for an hour, but sometimes I go out a couple of times or take ALL my trails and not just a single route. My dog and grandpa’s dog loves it as much as I!

I’m writing about health issues... time to end my post.

[mdseavoy]

Christmas

12/27/20

I can’t complain. Life has been good to me since returning to recovery. Everything is lining up, slowly, making my path all the more clear. I’m starting over, again, and I haven’t forgotten what’s at stake. I don’t think I have another rebuild left in me after this one. This is it, for me.

My Christmas was humble, but I’m alright with that. I was invited to a couple of gatherings, but I decided to stay home. A modest four of us came together here at Gramps’s for a ham dinner. I did most of the cooking, which is alright by me.

I remember when Christmas was magical. I LOVED winter and the Holidays that came with it. As a child, I’d start getting excited for Christmas in October, because Halloween meant getting closer to my favorite time of the year! Now, it’s disappointing, really. 

It’s too early to begin getting sentimental and deep. I just felt like writing this morning. It’s been awhile. I don’t want to neglect this blog, even though it’s hardly got any attention from viewers, I think if this can help ONE person out there, it is well worth it! Guess what? I know for sure it helps one person, and that’s me!

This mornings meditation reading hit me! I needed that. One of the things discussed in the reading was discipline. My gawd, THAT is my area of weakness right now! I’ve been slacking in some important areas, like keeping a schedule and exercising regularly. I’m getting back on track, though. I started a couple of days ago. I went snowshoeing yesterday. Once I get up and going, I find that I enjoy what I’m doing and that I’m getting exercise. It feels good. I hope for today to be somewhat productive.

[mdseavoy]

Hibernate

12/17/20

I wish I could just hibernate through winter! The days are merging together. It’s so bad that I forgot about Drug Court this Tuesday! I’m just going through the motions damn near every day.

I begin working on episode three of my podcast, but I’ve ran into roadblock after roadblock every turn! First, I didn’t realize I recorded most of my material with my mic durned down again. Then I accidentally deleted a bunch of material and other docs on my computer! And to top it all off, I purchased a new recording program that sucks worse than the one that came with the PC! The material I re-recorded is not as interesting as the original clips. I don’t want to push out a boring episode. I’m using my own music tracks in this episode, so that should make it stand out a bit from the first two, but I need more!

It doesn’t really feel like Christmas. The holidays are not the same since mom passed. NOTHING is the same. She was the rock and the one that brought the family together! Getting together now takes effort and can be like pulling teeth!

Last year wasn’t very jolly, either! The couple of years previous, though, I went ALL OUT! In 2018 I strived to impress my (then) girlfriend who just loved Christmas! But even before that, I did my house up in lights while I lived in Iron River. I was the only house on the main stretch, downtown, who put up anything more than a couple of strands of lights. My place sure stood out! Santa definitely could see it from way up!

I was drinking whiskey while putting up lights around the second story of my apartment building (big surprise) when my (then) girlfriend asked me to please be careful not to fall off the roof. I exclaimed that the height was nothing and that I had jumped from higher up. To prove this to her, I decided to jump off my second story balcony! What a fucking dumbass, hey!?

My blog continues to become more of a personal journal for me. A personal journal made public. It’s so much easier and quicker to type than to pick up a pen! I still keep my personal journal, though. There are SOME things I can’t put online, haha!

I’m just waiting to begin training with LiveOps! What a relief that will be! I have been struggling to keep some sort of structure in my day, but it is extremely hard to do when you’re as bored as I am. Unmotivated, would probably best describe me! I have PLENTY to do... I just can’t seem to find the get up and go I need. Depression? BPD symptoms? Medications? Or is it JUST ME!?

I’m going to end this here for now. I’m going to find something to do. Maybe bring in some firewood. Maybe I’ll drive down to the Sturgeon River and walk the dogs there. Gramps is gone, so I have the house to myself. Maybe I’ll clean. I don’t know... but I need to find something to do!

[mdseavoy]

...Except Today was a Little Different!

Later, in the early afternoon...

After my post this morning, I found the motivation to get up and do something! I cleaned the bathroom because it sure needed it. I cleaned the spare bedroom (used as storage) and organized a lot of the stuff that’s kept in there. I made it so there’s enough room to ride my grandpa’s exercise bike and maybe even set up my Bowflex! I made a damn fine breakfast for myself and my Gramps, too! Burnt garbage, and I even took the dogs for a short walk in the woods. I did all of this before noon! I wish I were ALWAYS so active!

Sometimes I have to literally force myself to start something, even something enjoyable, or I won’t get anything done. Take my sketching, for example. I have a lot of ideas I’d love to draw up and I know how therapeutic and healthy artwork is for me, yet I haven’t completed a sketch since I’ve been home (Gramps’s)! Before that it was a year, and it was several years before that first sketch in my stint visit to the ward! Now that I think of it, there’s even been years when I haven’t touched a guitar!

Once I get started, though, I’m usually off to the races and ready to keep the momentum going. I spent a little time on the exercise bike today and I plan to bring my Bowflex in there, as well. It’ll be a little mini gym. What if I don’t just lose some weight, but take it a step farther and get in good shape? That would make this guy feel pretty good about himself! We’ll see!

If you have depression, anxiety, or anything that’s just draining your motivation, take some advice from me! Force yourself into action! Once you start accomplishing things (and start with the small ones) you’ll begin to feel yourself restored! You’ll find energy and motivation coming back to you naturally with the more you accomplish. And, if you’re avoiding something because of it’s unpleasantry, once you face that something, no matter the outcome, it’s almost always a relief to get that weight off of your shoulders! Don’t hide from things! Especially yourself!

And for a last little bit of advice, keep a schedule! If not a schedule, at least a to do list or some sort of set plans. Don’t only think about doing things, and you don’t have to sit up and start something this moment (although if you can, that’s great), you can take a more planned and thought out approach to getting out of a “funk” that may be holding you down! 

Now, if I could only follow my own guidance and advice perfectly, I’d be set!

[mdseavoy]

Every Day is Exactly the Same

12/05/20

It is definitely going to be a long winter for this guy. I’m depressed enough as it is, with the short days and cold weather, winter is ten times worse for me. Add my living and legal situation on top of seasonal depression, on top of severe depression, on top of life stressors, and that’s the sum of what I’m dealing with! But, now I’m just crying in my beer...

I have a lot to be grateful for, though. It’s important that I remind myself that. I have not been sentenced to any significant jailtime for my summer shenanigan, and I don’t expect that to change at my next hearing (in a couple of days). I’m able to be “free” so long as I follow the terms of my Treatment Court Plan. With the charges I’m faced with, that would be highly unlikely so if Covid-19 wasn’t fucking EVERYTHING up these days. I probably wouldn’t have been in trouble a second time because I’d still be sitting in jail for the first offense! Well, maybe not to that extremes, but I would have been on probation, at least.

I had my missing work van returned to me along with the tools that were inside. I was hired to work from home through the winter. I work odd jobs for cash here and there. I have PLENTY of work already lined up for myself come spring, and an opportunity to work for someone else if I choose. I received a loan from a friend, without asking, to get said van back and to be able to work come spring. 

Since I went through hell this summer, and have started over again, things are coming together for me at an exceptional pace! I even have a couple of different music project opportunities with friends! Yet, I find myself at a stand still. I have so much I could do, and plenty that I should do, but...

Boredom. Boredom is what hurts me the most, right now. I have plenty of chores to do around the house, as well as, plenty of enjoyable hobby activities that could burn through a day’s time. I’m still bored. I always feel like there’s nothing to do and/or have no motivation to do ANYTHING, really.

My lack of motivation and chronic boredom effect my health. I’m smoking again, for one. Also, I have gained a total of 35lbs since the summer! I’m only ten pounds less than my heaviest, 245lbs! I need a spark to be lit under my ass! Perhaps things will change for the better after my FINAL sentencing hearing in Iron County. Maybe I will be able to refocus and get doing. I sure have wasted a lot of time in front of the PS4 the past month or so! As I always say, “I’d rather be fat and sober!”

[mdseavoy]

Gobble Goes the End of the World.

11/30/20

The holidays haven’t felt the same since my mother passed away (two years ago), but with the pandemic grasping a hold of this country like Trump grabs women’s “kitties” (you either get the reference, or don’t), I have more than a hunch that this holiday season will be more..., excuse the language, FUCKED, than the past couple of years have been for myself, and most others.

Who would have thought the apocalypse was going to involve so much plexiglass, toilet paper, and most importantly, the chin diapers that can save us all from the C-19!? I’m still waiting to wake up from some sort of long, wild, and vivid dream, as most of us probably are, but unfortunately we are not dreaming and the world as we know it is changing faster than a lot of us can keep up with. I especially feel for healthcare workers and parents, students, and teachers. 

I don’t know if it is cynical of me not to feel horribly concerned or bad for the aging community, or if I’m justified in my feelings. Perhaps my feelings would be different if my grandma or grandpa caught C-19 and grew deathly ill, or worse. My experiences in the medical field have jaded me a bit. 

I’ve worked in nursing homes and in hospitals as a CNA for several years. I know what these places are like! I’ve seen the look in an old man’s eyes as he recalls how strong he used to be and how he enjoyed hunting and wishes he could go out just one more time, yet now he cannot get himself out of bed or recall what he had for breakfast that morning. I’ve had to calm down a mother frantically trying to find her babies that have gone missing, although they are in reality all grown up and are now in their 50s or older, but to their poor old mother, they’re lost and in need of her. If I had to take an educated guess, I’d say in my experience eight out of ten residents, on average, in these places are severally depressed, lost and lonely, or just plain suffering. More than you realize, and more than most people would feel comfortable saying, for many in these old folks homes, death is a relief from a living hell! 

My mother passed away at age forty-nine, and that probably makes me a bit heartless towards the losses of folks in their 70s and up. It’s hard to feel for someone who lost a parent that was eighty years old and in a nursing home. They were granted a whole thirty plus years longer together than I received with my mother.

There’s some debate on who said it first and for certain, but there’s a saying that is believed to be Hemingway’s, “Write drunk and edit sober.” What that means, I believe, is to let the writing flow out of you at the moment without reservation or concern, and then revisit the work a time later to revise and edit as needed. I just want to state that I usually free-write on my blog and I don’t change much from its original form. This helps to “keep it real”, if you will. So if, for example, my opinion of C-19 and it’s effects on old folks seems, “harsh” or too “critical”, well I’m sorry/not sorry! Just putting myself and my thoughts and feelings out there!

Since writing online and recording my video podcast, I have neglected the good old fashioned pen and paper method. It seems so obsolete! So, if you’re reading, please keep in mind this blog is becoming more and more like a personal journal I’m sharing with you and whoever else cares to read it. You don’t have to agree with my opinions and I sure the hell don’t care to question or change yours, so lets leave it at that!

Happy Belated-Thanksgiving!

[mdseavoy]

Roller Coaster

11/24/20

My work van went MIA while I was away to jail or treatment. I was able to get it back this past weekend. As far as I can tell, most of my tools are accounted for! Thanks to the help of some good friends, my "Silver Bullet", is at a mechanics getting worked on. One friend in particular made any and all of it possible with a personal loan that was greatly needed! Also, I was able to make a deal by agreeing to put up steel on a shed for payment, so that should take care of a lot of the repair cost, if not all of it! This is the greatest news I’ve had in a while!

I am relieved to have my van back, and there’s so much for me to be grateful for, but some days, I feel like I lack the motivation to do anything. I have little to no desire to get up and about. I lay in bed during the afternoon feeling like I have nothing to do, or want to do, even though I know otherwise. It’s one of life’s strangest conundrums that I’ve experienced. Depression? Borderline Personality Disorder? Just flat out boredom? 

This morning I feel better than most, so I figured I’d use this time to write something in here. It’s been a bit. I don’t think very many people have visited my blog, but I haven’t been putting it out there on social media much. I figure I’ll start mentioning it more often later down the road. The plan was always to wait until I feel I have enough reading material posted to keep someone’s interest. I must be close to reaching that marker by now.

Iron River

I believe my next move is to return to Iron River, although the discovery of my work van MAY have altered those plans, but only slightly. I was so ready to leave that town, but after being back in Watton for close to a year, I’ve come to realize Iron River feels more like a home to me these days. Also, I was offered work, steady work, doing mostly roofing gigs in the area. I was even offered a place to stay during the workweek until I get on my feet and my (very own) living arrangements taken care of.

Sometimes, when I really need to, I’m able to “let go and let God” take over all control. I shouldn’t say when “I’m able to”, because truthfully, we people never have control. God is always in control. I’m able to give up the illusion of control. Our fates are outlined in the stars, decided by the Universe, if you will. That’s my belief, anyway. For example, everything that has decided the day of my death has been in place since the Big Bang, or the Alpha. Our freewill is only so “free”, but I could go on forever talking about the Universe, time, space, and life (watching such documentaries on YouTube is a pastime of mine. A lot of people feel that science and God are enemies, but the more I learn about the science of things, the more I come to believe there is a God, of some sort. I just don’t believe he’s a white bearded old caucasian man sitting up on the clouds ready to put a lightening bolt up the asses of the world’s sinners.

I digressed off subject, as I often do, once again. The point I’m hitting at here is that I plan to return to Iron River come spring or early summer, but ultimately, I’m putting faith in the Universe’s plans for me. I’ve been saying it since far before I heard it on TWD, “Everything has a return” in the grand gest of things. I’m going to keep on doing good and good should come my way. That’s not just Karma, it’s the Law of Attraction, too (there are so many parallels to spirituality and science).

Projects

Aside from my video podcast, and writing in here on occasion, I have done very little in the realm of hobbies or just for fun activities. The past couple of days have held some activities, but taking the dogs for walks, piling firewood, and cleaning aren’t exactly fun. I do enjoy the walk with the dogs, but in the winter it’s MUCH less enjoyable for obvious reasons.

I have a friend that wants to record a tune or two with me and even offered to provide the transportation I would need. I made a new friend that lives just down the road and wants to start jamming acoustics together. I have empty notebooks to fill and blank sheets of paper in my sketchbook. There’s two 3D puzzles I have yet to complete just chilln’ on the bookcase in pieces. Oh, and of course there’s the work I need to complete as payment for the services on the Silver Bullet.  I have a lot of shit to do! WHY AM I BORED!

Dentist tomorrow. I hate the dentist. What a horrible necessary evil! And to have to go get work done the DAY before Thanksgiving! Damn... 

Whiskey is begging me to take her for a walk. I swear she can tell time! It’s almost always around 10am that I take her and Wego for their first adventure. When we return, today, I think I’m going to find something to do around the house. Work on organizing the garage a little more. Maybe haul and pile wood! Yay!

Oh, and one more thing, “Dear Diary”, I have found my way back into gaming! Its kind of a waste of time, just sitting in front of a TV with a PS4 Controller for hours, but its better than drinking, right!? I would rather use that time productively on music or sketching projects, but oh well. At least I’m staying out of trouble!

Happy Thanksgiving!

[mdseavoy]

Winter is Here

11/16/20

Some days are just plain BLAH! I wake in the morning, usually early to have peace and quiet before Gramps wakes, and I try to commit to my morning routine. I make my bed and I make coffee, read my Twenty Four Hours a Day daily reading, write in my journal, and prepare for the day. I walk the dogs and then I’m ready for whatever is next. That’s if I execute my morning routine perfectly. Lately, it hasn’t been so...

Winter is here. I have depression problems, but in the winter season, my symptoms are amplified by boredom, the cold, and lack of sunlight. This year I’m stuck with my grandfather for the winter, who can be, let’s just say, a little negative at times. I’m cooped up here in Watton during a pandemic. Better than jail, though. I have to count my blessings and be grateful for what I have. Just finding the ambition to do SOMETHING can be so difficult at times.

I have a lot of hobbies that I enjoy. I like to write, sketch, play guitar, complete 3D puzzles, and read, yet I’m almost always bored! It is a symptom of Borderline Personality Order to feel bored even when you have plenty to do, so maybe it’s that. Maybe I’m just feeling the seasonal depression early. I don’t know. Today isn’t as bad as the past week has been, I at least have the motivation to write in my blog.

I was able to make a quick Benjamin this weekend! It wasn’t too easy, but it was quick! A competitor from Iron River, whom I have always gotten along with, offered to give me a roof repair job. I was even picked up, provided the tools and equipment, and brought back home. I was working for about three hours, or so, up high on a church roof. It was cold, but worth it! I appreciate the work and opportunity to make some money, but even more so, I appreciate the offer to work with this company during the building season. With that, it appears that I am likely moving back to Iron River this spring! 

CoaM Episode 1

My video podcast experiment went well! I had more than fifty views the last time I checked. I’ve received several messages and read posts that have praised my efforts. I’m working on the second episode and I feel that it’s coming along considerably better than the first.

I need to step it up, which I am, but not enough. I need to get more people involved in CoaM. I’m just not sure how, yet, but in the next episode or so, I hope to have it figured out. I’ve thought about a Zoom appearance or something along those lines. These are “unprecedented times” we live in, but I can monopolize on such times if I can just remain openminded and keep my determination. I didn’t get sober to become boring. I want to actually DO SOMETHING with my recovery. CoaM is just the beginning, I have a feeling... there’s a lot more to come...

[mdseavoy]

CoaM S1E1 (pilot)

[mdseavoy]

The Launch

This evening I plan to reveal my blog and my video podcast to my fine friends and family on Facebook. I spent a lot of time and energy, and I went through a lot of trial and error, to create the finished project! But it’s finally complete! Actually, I hope it’s just the beginning!

This is me. This is my truths, my lies, my life, my story... all out in the open! Confessions of a Madman is a podcast I started to document my journey in recovery (Hello, my name is Michael, and I'm an alcoholic!). I just went through one hell of a rough summer that consisted of jails, wards, and institutions! I've only been "home" for about a month, now. My "home" is back living with my grandfather at the age of thirty four. I lost damn near everything this summer, at one point even hope, but here I am! I'm still trying!

My first episode, or more like the pilot, focuses mainly on myself and my current situation. Later episodes will be a bit more broad and I’ll try to incorporate more material in less time. I’ll have things planned out a little better. There’s a few things I already plan do differently next time, including adding more material and subject matter, better audio (I just now realized my mic on my PC was only at 56%), and hopefully finding a “guest” or two to join me for a bit. 

Future episodes will evolve as I go, no doubt, unless this turns out to be a total failure. But really, this has been a success for me regardless of what other people think. I’m making this hoping it might connect with other people in similar situations, or perhaps, my little project will help others (”Normies”) to understand the struggle of being an addict and/or someone who has mental health issues! So I intend to continue this project, and my recovery, despite what anyone else thinks! If I truly cared, I probably wouldn’t be discussing the things I do so open and honestly. There’s no doubt I will face judgement! There’s no doubt some people will laugh! As long as I’m getting something from this, I’m going to keep on writing and keep on recording! If even just ONE other person can take something away, as well, that’s awesome!

Please feel free to give me some feedback! I’d love it! I appreciate constructive criticism, so please, let me know what you REALLY think!

I’ve had a long ass day running errands, completing chores, and wrapping up my first podcast. My dog woke me up at 4:00am this morning, and so, yeah... I’m tired! Bedtime is coming early for this guy....

[mdseavoy]

- A Non-negative political post, they do exist!

I don't ever plan to use my blog to push my political beliefs, but I may post something like this; a mostly neutral opinion on the current political climate.

As an Independent who voted for Trump, I'd like to say that not everyone who voted for him is a racist asshole. I just disagree with a lot of the direction the Dems have been going, but then again, both sides seem to have completely polarized and have a great deal of fanaticism issues. If Biden does in fact win this, and it sure looks that way, I wish him and his administration nothing but the best, if only for the benefit of this country. Am I the only one on social media, especially FB, who still believes we should stand behind our POTUS no matter political affiliation? Or is it all just black and white now? No pun intended...

[mdseavoy]

Season 1, Episode 1?

Something came to me as I lay awake last night; I'm going to document my journey in recovery on social media! I mean, why the hell not? Why not share my experiences, my triumphs, and my failures, with anyone who may be able to get something out of it? Shit, I have nothing to lose! I'm humble and I just don't care about what people think of me anymore. That can be a powerful thing, to be able to just be yourself! Advice for the day, in order to truly love thyself, you must be yourself!

There's adults playing Minecraft.... with little kids, and a lot of other weird shit like that, on YouTube! These people have huge followings! Like I said, WEIRD SHIT! Watch what your kids are watching on their devices, I tell ya! Anyway, if people create that garbage and there's a demand for it, I would like to think there's at least one or two people out there who would find my little project helpful and/or interesting! Maybe I can help others facing similar obstacles in their life. Maybe documenting and sharing myself will be a good thing for me. You’re supposed to be an open book in recovery, and share openly and honestly… It doesn’t get much more open and honest than this!If nothing else, I'm sure someone, somewhere, on the vast World Wide Web will be entertained, that much I know!

Lights, Quite on the Set, and Action!

I attempted recording my first unscripted introduction to my… podcast? Is that what I’m doing? Maybe I need to do a little more research, but for now, just bare with me! Anyway, I attempted the first recording and it went well on my end. Technology, on the other hand, gave me grief. The audio and video were not lining up. There was a delay. So, I re-recorded my introduction this morning. My videos will get better with time, I promise! Again, I’m new at ALL OF THIS! I post vids of myself playing guitar and singing sometimes, but I've never been so exposed, open, and honest. The spotlights never been so onto me.

Confessions of a Madman fits what it is I'm doing. I'm going to keep that title. I’ll keep writing in my blog regularly, and I think I’ll make at least a couple of videos a week. Maybe even more than a couple of “episodes”. I’m doing this on the fly! Improvising as I go! Unscripted and real! So stay tuned….

[mdseavoy]

Not Where I Thought...

I certainly did not plan for my life to be what it is now. Alcohol has robbed me from those plans becoming a reality. I almost made it! I had moments in my life where I felt I was where I belonged and doing what I was supposed to. My ten month period in recovery was the first time I felt that way in a long time. Now look where I’m at... I’m thirty-four years old living in the same bedroom I grew up in most of my life. I have no job or real income (had a business, but that’s another story), no driver’s license, no vehicle (work van and tools were stolen while I was in jail), no... clue what the hell I’m going to do for sure. I am, however, grateful for the blessings I do have.

It’s important that I remind myself that I put myself here. Sure, alcohol was the fuel to flames that has been my burning demise, but ultimately, I DID THIS! I can’t blame my childhood, ex girlfriends, the mean bullies I faced in school, or anything else exocentric. Nope. It was me.

I sure wish I would have changed years ago when I first realized I had a serious drinking problem. I was about twenty-two years old, give or take. I received my first drunk driving at that age in an attempt to flee from the police on a motorcycle. Well, I actually did manage to get away, but my dumbass decided to do a victory lap through town. I lost control navigating a turn and hit a rock hedge straight on. My bike and I landed in a funeral home yard! I was badly bruised, cracked some ribs, sprained an ankle, and had a concussion, but otherwise I was fine. I could be spending my life in a wheelchair or paralyzed from the neck down. Now, THAT sure should have been a wakeup call, but it wasn’t. In fact, my second drunk driving was less than a year later, on a motorcycle, and I blew a 0.29 BAC then. My record is 0.38 during my second to last arrest (its been a busy year). Nothing I’m proud of, but an impressive number nonetheless. 

The worse part about having an addiction is the pain and suffering you put your loved ones through. Embarrassment comes a close second, but after awhile, that doesn’t seem to bother you as much. The things you used to be ashamed of have become expected of you at some point. For example, nobody that knew me was surprised when I’d smell like alcohol in the mornings. I was a drunk and everyone knew it. I didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

At least in my instance of addiction, I know I never meant to hurt anyone. Even when I knew I was doing my loved ones wrong, I didn’t care. I did care, but not enough to stop what I was doing. I NEEDED alcohol, and if people couldn’t understand that, fuck’em! That’s not in reality how I felt, but that’s how it was.

The Story I’ve Created

But I digressed... The point of this particular blog, or post, or whatever the hell this is called (totally new to the blogging world) was to express and vent my frustrations with my current situation in life. If you know me personally, you’d understand exactly why I’m so bothered.

I am capable of great things and generally a good person. I have come to believe that most addicts are, and that is one of the contributing factors in our hell that is addiction; we suffer because we feel and we care enormously! Anyway, I’m smart, fairly hansom, caring, and compassionate. At least, I am when I’m sober. I’ve done remarkable things! For example, I started a successful construction venture shortly after graduating Business School. I’m a talented musician, I love to write, and I’m not half bad at art (primarily sketching). I’m a hard-worker. I’m in touch with my spirituality. Girls like me. People in general like me. I like the real me. But I’m not myself, as it is with most addicts, when I’m days deep into a well of whiskey. I suppose there must be the exception. I’m sure that some addicts are just assholes, using or not, but not most. I’m definitely not.

And that’s why this is so frustrating for me. I know my capabilities. Hell, I can’t even count how many times I’ve rebuilt my life from the ashes up! Most people couldn’t do that! And here I am, having to do it again. How many more times, though? Do I have another one in me if I fail again? Please, GOD, LET THIS BE IT!

[mdseavoy]

Memories Haunt Like Ghosts

I wish I were making this up. I wish this was just some fictional story I’m creating and posting on the internet for fun. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I’m posting this. I’ve never “blogged” before... I guess I just want my story known. I want to be understood.., even if its only by random strangers. Hell, nobody else seems to understand me; certainly not family or friends, or even the numerous psychiatrists and counselors I’ve visited throughout the years. Maybe you will. Maybe you can relate. 

So here I am typing... 

And here it goes...

Bernstein Bears

I was about seven or eight years old. I was in the living room reading a Bernstein Bears book out loud to my little brothers, who were four and five years younger than I. My baby brother hadn’t been born yet. It was just the three of us back then. My brothers lived with my mother and step-father (number one) in a crappy house in the middle of nowhere, while I lived with my grandparents, but lived close by and visited often. This event occurred during one such visit.

Mom was in the midst of another horrible fight with SD#1. Screaming and yelling came out of the kitchen area while I attempted to keep my little brothers preoccupied with the story I was reading. We were used to the arguing, the sounds of objects being thrown across rooms, and the sounds that mom made when she was being hit. This was normal to us. This was life. I just continued to read.

I believe the argument was about the family dogs getting into the garbage and making a mess outside. SD#1 was furious; probably drunk and/or high. Suddenly, the argument went from the kitchen to the front porch, and then the yelling was in the distance a bit outside and away from the house. 

My storytelling was disrupted by two loud “pops”, which were immediately followed by my mother screaming at the top of her lungs. Shit, she wasn’t really screaming, but wailing. “Shoot her! Please, just shoot her!”, she begged. My LB#1 and I were now at a window staring out at the surreal scene that was playing out in front of us. This was one of the first times that I felt as if I wasn’t really there. I felt separate from my surroundings, as if I were watching a play or television show. If I have to explain, you probably won’t understand (and you’re probably going to find a lot of that in my writing, I mean, “blogs”).

We just stared for a moment before the imagery sunk in. One dog lay motionless on the ground. The other dog ran in tight circles, twisting and turning, while an awful noise came out of it’s jawless face. Flesh and blood seemed to be all that was left of it’s snout, yet it continued making this noise. I can’t even begin to describe it, although I can still hear it clear as day in my head.

SD#1 ignored my mother’s plead. Instead, he jumped into his multicolored shitty Thunderbird, shotgun still in hand, and peeled out of the gravel driveway. The poor jawless animal had ran off out of sight and quit making that noise. It finally died after what seemed like forever. Mom came into the house weeping.

Mom did her best to calm us down. LB#1 and I were freaking out, as you can imagine. LB#2 was just a baby, but was also crying in the little rocker he was laying in. I was given orders to keep my brother away from the windows. Mom grabbed some sheets from her bedroom and went outside. I couldn’t follow my mom’s orders. We watched her wrap up the first dog and then leave to search for the second. We buried them in the back field together... bonding time. Bernstein Bears was ruined for me from then on.

Born THIS Way?

I don’t believe people are born predestined to be any particular type of person, at least not when it comes to being a “good” or “bad” person. I know I wasn’t born an addict. I don’t think I was born F***ed up. I was born into a F***ed up life, my mother only sixteen years old at my birth, and I was cultivated over the years to grow into the man that I’ve been, and the man that I am now.

If you’re still reading this, I must have grabbed your attention. If nothing else, maybe you’re being entertained, but I hope this is more than that. I hope that this - my story - can help someone else out there. My “blog” will be my story, told in no particular order of time or events, and will also catalog my current experiences as a thirty-four year old in recovery and attempting to rebuild my life (AGAIN). The wildest stories are the ones that are true... and I can’t make this shit up...