Home of Dumb ass thoughts that medicine has not progressed far enough to cure
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Current vibe: manifesting fecal samples
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I squared up with a metal jug and found myself round. Now I have a bandaid on my face
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Me: I call bs on this guy speaking fluent French after only learning it in high school. I took French in high school and learned nothing
Dad: we’ll he’s smart
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This thanksgiving I am thankful for booze and antidepressants
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They’re very few problems that can’t be solved by double amputation
#merica#life shit#funny family#making my life shit#dark humor#problems#stupid humor#star wars#tales of the jedi#the mandalorian#andor show
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I don’t listen to classic country music, that’s just booze, tractors and weaponized patriotism.
No I listen the good stuff, women singing about murdering their husbands
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Yo this guy came In to my work with the worst cologne alike my brother in smell you are scaring our rats away
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Y’all I love a good dub. Everybody deserves to see Bruce Lee kick someone’s ass in their own language
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Don’t mind me I’ll just be at the club getting lit with my emotional support mom
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You know If I didn’t have a healthy fear of dirt I would be a bigfoot hunter
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My Apple Watch thinks I’m being hunted for sport but in reality I’m trying to skip intro on Netflix
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Nothing gets me better than Coldplay and lasagna
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I think I’m gonna be a sugar baby this working stuff is the pits
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Dad who went to a state school: while you were doing your so called studying I was studying how to shotgun a beer
Me who went to a private school: well I learned how to shotgun the lord
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Me: you are a nuisance
Dad: no, nuisance was my father
Dad: please call me newt 
#dad burn#merica#wordsofwisdom#wtf is wrong with me#funny family#funny words#funny dialoge#stupid humor#tumblr humor#dadsamiright#dadjokes
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Looking at some fly old women in party hats*
Mom: do they look my age?
Me: no! They’re like 50
Mom: I am 50!!
Me: shit
#merica#wordsofwisdom#wtf is wrong with me#tumblr humor#mother#age#old women#party hats are deceiving#how was I supposed to answer
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My mother: what’s that one German dog?
Me: huh?
Mother: you know the one. The Douchehound
Me: do you mean Dachshunds
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