marianascarvajal

[marianascarvajal]

Miss you

You said bye in august

Decided that what we had wasn’t that big of a deal

You left me heartbroken and wondering if I did something wrong

God how much I miss you

I miss your calls while you drive

Your snaps of us edited inside of red hearts

I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling this

How deep you are in my heart

I miss making plans for the future

I want to meet you in New York

Let’s kiss under Times Square lights

Let’s have a date in Central Park

Show me DC

But don’t leave me

I thought I didn’t fell hard

But oh boy I did

I can only think about us

What we could have had

Am I not enough?

I was the only one feeling like this?

I see you and I want to go back to the time we watched movies together

Let’s talk about music and duet a Disney song

Friends?

That doesn’t feel enough

Make me cross half the continent for you

Go to JFK and pick me up

Hug me when I see Manhattan for the first time

Love me while we eat $1 pizzas

Oh my God how much is miss you

Come here and hold my soul while it bleeds

Hold me while my world falls apart

Why we fell apart?

Now I only want to talk to you

Because I miss you so much

[marianascarvajal]

What do you do?

What you do when you feel like your dreams are being crushed?

When the person that told you to go for it just takes them away?

What happens when the person you love the most ask you to lose yourself again?

Who am I to say no?

Am I allowed to be selfish?

I need to think about everything

Making everyone happy

Taking care of everyone

What happens when you feel so trapped that you just don’t know what to do anymore?

Is someone in there?

Can I trust you?

Can I tell you how much I feel right now?

Is it ok to numb your feelings to the point where you don’t care anymore?

Am I allowed to be a robot and just be in automatic?

Or I should feel a wave of desperation every time something happens

Omg giving up on thinking

I’ll just be a machine, is what people want now a days isn’t it?

Just people that work with no feelings or anything else

How can I call for help?

Everyone is so tired of me being so bad all the time

I should just disappear of their life

People will be happier and less emotional exhaustion

I am crying to sleep a long time ago

Did you noticed?

Because I didn’t

I’m so used to being overwhelmed all the time

[marianascarvajal]

La toxicidad en tiempo de infidelidad.

Últimamente he pensado muchísimo sobre la toxicidad de las relaciones en general que todos manejamos, en lo poco conscientes que somos de nuestra culpa en cada situación, es como si nos encantara repartir culpas pero no hacernos responsables de lo que nosotros hicimos o no para llegar a esa situación; vivimos en un mundo donde condenamos conductas “tóxicas” pero no nos damos cuenta que la mayoría de la veces nosotros las tenemos romantizadas, o nosotros mismos tenemos estas conductas sin admitirlo o darnos cuenta.

Creemos que esta bien aconsejar a nuestros sobre lo que nosotros haríamos en su situación, y tenemos el descaro de enojarnos cuando hacen algo que no nos parece, muchas personas prohiben a sus amigos hablar con personas que no soportan, y yo me pregunto, cuál es el objetivo de algo como eso? No tenemos a caso libertad de expresión y decidir con quien nos juntamos y con quien no? Donde quedo la confianza en nuestros amigos, o el discernimiento de que lo que me molesta a mi no tiene porqué molestarle a esa persona también, donde quedo la lealtad?.

En una relación amorosa que pasa una de las dos personas prohíbe que nos vistamos con ciertas prendas? Ósea que mi forma de vestir tiene que complacer a mi pareja? Porque no puedo tener libertad de ponerme lo que me haga sentir bien, cómoda, linda? Porque creemos que hay tipos de celos positivos? Condenamos a la gente intensa y que no deja respirar a su pareja pero la mayoría son aún peor; y este es solo uno de los muchos ejemplos que en una relación sentimental hemos normalizado, cómo por ejemplo, porque prohibimos que la otra persona tenga amigos? Porque le faltamos el respeto a la confianza que se supone tenemos, yo creo que un engaño es una serie de errores que una persona simplemente decidió no corregir desde al principio, y no es falta de amor por la pareja, pero creemos que el de la culpa siempre es el tercero o la persona con la que nos engañaron, cuando en realidad nuestra pareja es quien debe rendir cuentas, porque creemos que esta bien perdonar a una persona que ya nos traicionó? Que asegura que no lo volverá a hacer y nos lastimará aún más? La costumbre de estar con esa persona? O las ganas de no quedarnos solos? Porque si les soy muy honesta, uno se desapega de cualquier persona, pero el amor propio que uno pierde cuando perdona un engaño es algo que nunca vamos a poder reparar, la autoestima queda por el suelo, uno se pregunta que paso? Porque lo hizo? Que le faltó? Será que no le di lo suficiente? Y la respuesta es si le diste lo suficiente, solo que para esa persona o no fue suficiente o simplemente no le bastó sólo lo que tú diste, creo que ahí es donde uno tiene que cortar la toxicidad que viene con esa persona, y sanar individualmente, con personas que te amen sin condiciones porque ahí con amigos y familia es donde uno vuelve a encontrar fuerza interior, viviendo ese duelo es que uno encuentra su fortaleza y ganas de seguir, vívela como quieras, como te funcione, evoluciona, aprende de los errores, invierte en ti, que todo lo que hagas sea para aportar un poco más a tu crecimiento y a quien eres, a tus sueños, a tus planes futuros, porque ahí en el estar pleno estando solo es donde uno puede encontrar a alguien que valga la pena integrar a tu vida.

[marianascarvajal]

Music in Film: Taylor Swift City of Lover Concert (2020) dir. Dan Massie 

[marianascarvajal]

Y si te quedas?

Y si me llevas a mi casa?

Entras y te quitas los zapatos

Nos sentamos en mi cama

Te gusta el vino?

Con una copa en nuestra mano y la botella en la mesa de noche

Hablemos

Hablemos hasta las 4 am

O hasta que uno de nosotros se duerma

Y si me abrazas en la noche?

Y yo te busco cuando me de frío

Y dormimos juntos esa noche

Nos despertamos sin necesidad de alarma

Aún no te vayas

Desayunemos juntos

Busquemos pastillas para el guayabo

Hagamos pereza toda la mañana

Aún no te vayas

Almorzamos juntos?

Prometo pedir tu comida favorita

Veamos películas toda la tarde

Abrázame durante las escenas de terror

Quieres besarme?

Hazlo

Lo voy a corresponder

Creamos chistes internos?

Creo que ya tenemos varios

Y si te confieso lo que siento?

Me dirías que si o no sientes no mismo?

[marianascarvajal]

Mask

There’s something under that happiness that hunts me

There’s a past under what you see

Scars that I don’t show to anyone

My smile hides a thousand emotions

I built a wall to keep my demons safe of the public eye

There’s more than the makeup you see

There’s more than the confidence you see when I wear a dress

There’s always more

My mask to the world protects what I have inside

I don’t let it go

I don’t let anyone in

Could you handle it?

Could you handle my emotions?

Could you handle my story?

Is something I always ask myself when I meet someone

Are they strong enough to know the truth?

Can I trust someone?

Sometimes I ask myself if it is just in my head

But then I look around

And I say “Here we go again, put on the perfect girl mask on”

One day at a time

Because one time I felt like my days were ending

But when I hear the words “You have a perfect life”

My mask trembles and I think “How blind and self centered you are to think that”

I’m not the only one

There is more like me

That hide everything they have inside

I just accepted my demons

But them need help

Because there is people that is not strong enough to live with it

Let’s help them

Don’t leave them alone

Be empathetic

[marianascarvajal]

A great woman

A great woman is unforgettable

A great woman is independent

Knows her worth

And you know she doesn’t need you

She knows who she is

She has a path of greatness

Being with a woman like this means you will always remember her

Being with her means you know she doesn’t need you

Means you have a privilege of being with someone that strong

Means we’re powerful without hurting anyone

Means envy from people that want imitate us

Means we leave a print

Means we leave you wandering if you could ever be with someone like that again

Means we put you up there but we can also bring you down

[marianascarvajal]

Rainbow

What color you see when you love someone?

Is it red? As a passionate love

Red could destroy you

You see it golden? As daylight?

Gold sometimes is fake

Tell me what color you see?

Pink? It could be bright or light

Pink is kisses and hugs

You see blue? As the sky?

Blue had tons of shades

Yellow? Your love could be warm as the sun

Tell me which is your color?

You see a rainbow?

It is the moods love is in

Sometimes is passionate like red

Sometimes is easy as golden

Sometimes is a honeymoon like pink

Sometimes has different shades of blue

Sometimes is warm like the sun

That’s why I see love as a rainbow.

[marianascarvajal]

folklore.

[marianascarvajal]

Wounds

Is hard to let someone in

You don’t know how to open your heart

To let people know the real you

Has happened so many shit

That I just don’t know how to control it

You feel lonely even in the huge spaces

There so many people around me

But who’s staying after I show them all I have inside

How can I let it out

Is it this hurtful?

How you handle it?

How can I be alone even when I’m talking to people that “cares”

How this pain go away?

Am I too dramatic?

Or am I too damaged?

A heart full of wounds and scars

Someone can heal me?

[marianascarvajal]

Inside Today’s Home: Sixth Edition, Nissen-Faulkner-Faulkner, 1994  📚

Salvaged & scanned by @jpegfantasy 🖨️

[marianascarvajal]

Grey

I’m lost in the lights of a bright city that screams pure joy

I’m a dark spot in a colorful parade

My ears explode with the music that your heart plays

I can fell your rainbow, but inside me is just black and grey

I feel desolated in this place

Why don’t you give me some of your color

I will ran away with you if you ask

But I can’t win

You know that

You know that this is my cruel punishment

I’ve cross so many lines that I don’t have anymore lives to survive

You are daylight

I am a dark night

How could we resist time

My darks and your colors

Things can’t be the same

I remember, my black nails and your colorful shirt

Winter air, you are freezing but I feel like home

Summer is where you belong

I hope you rememberme when we were good

No when I destroyed me

[marianascarvajal]

Why does it hurts this much?

Why do i feel this much?

Is it my faith this kind of suffering?

Is my faith finally being clean?

Do i really know peace?

Am i broken?

Why i´m this lonley?

Am i a shining star or do i have to suffer to live?

I feel like i´m going to disapear

[marianascarvajal]

I don’t know why, but I like this a lot

Inside the Mariott Marquis Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia.

Beginnings of Interior Environment, Allen-Stimpson, 1992 📚 Salvaged & scanned by @jpegfantasy 🖨️

[marianascarvajal]

Freestyle, Tim Street-Porter, 1986 📚

Salvaged & scanned by @jpegfantasy  🖨️

[marianascarvajal]

The single greatest and most fascinating “futurist” architecture movement in the world right now is happening in Bolivia, where national prosperity and a dedication to works for the poor and public housing led to an explosion of colorful styles inspired by Aymara Indian art. There should be more articles about this, the interiors are just as amazing. Incidentally, most of these buildings are not for the rich or in trendy neighborhoods, but are public housing. I’ve heard this style referred to as “Neo-Andean” but like most currently thriving styles it doesn’t have a universally agreed on name yet.

[marianascarvajal]

Writing is like the most intimate thing to do

“Writing is actually such a lonely thing to do. Sometimes you spend hours and days just within your own head, without even realizing that you haven’t spoken to a living soul in ages. And from time to time it scares me how much I enjoy to do just that: Get away from everything by spending time with these people in my mind, in worlds I created, with ever purple skies and never fading summer nights.”

- // someone once asked me if people would get addicted to dreaming if it wasn’t a natural mechanism and I have found exactly that kind of drug in writing

j.d.m.