magerightsmagefights

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My HoFs always romance Zevran, so I'm not really keen on the whole "Crows are actually good and we never see them kill innocents ever, and also no mention of slavery" bit. As such, I've never been interested in a Crow Rook, unless I headcanon them escaping the Crows post-game.

HOWEVER, my next Rook will be a Davrinmance run, and de Riva is undoubtedly the funniest candidate for these conditions. Mainly because she grew up in the shadow of Zevran “biggest embarrassment of the century” Arainai, who not only failed to carry out his contract on a Grey Warden, but actually fell in love with his target and turned against the Crows which led to the downfall of his house.

Which means that after the game, some unlucky soul is going to have to tell Viago "Hey. Uh. So your protege met this Grey Warden..."

"You'd better not say what I think you're going to say."

"And now we can't find her..."

"Absolutely not. Send word to the First Talon. We are not doing this again, and definitely not in my house."

"So about that. The First Talon. She took Lucanis with her."

"??!?"

(I don't see much in Davrin/Lucanis, however it would be immensely funny if they were throupled with Rook because it means Davrin's Grey Warden aura was powerful enough to snatch two Crows.)

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Another Hawke x Lucanis thought:

Lucanis worries about taking things too slowly. He’s never done it before, and he’s watched Illario catch and thrill lovers in less than a day, so it’s natural to be apprehensive when Crows have such a sultry reputation. Hawke has just spent nine years in the Fade after all; are they desperate for sex the way they were desperate for food? However many months Veilguard covers, it’s a snail’s pace compared to what Crows are “supposed” to do. Hawke has more experience, and perhaps more expectations.

Hawke, meanwhile, spent 3 years pining after their ex before things became physical. This thing with Lucanis is moving incredibly fast actually. That “almost kiss” in the pantry took them off guard because they didn’t expect it so soon. Yes Hawke has been passionately flirting with Lucanis since day one, but they honestly thought it would take at least a year to get any response. The other companions said something about a “slow burn romance” but Hawke thinks “slow burn” equals seven years. To them, Lucanis is moving at breakneck speed.

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Thinking about how Illario expects his cousin to be the silent, brooding killer. About how Lucanis has never had a serious friendship outside House Dellamorte, and he's also just spent a year imprisoned, so of course Illario would assume Lucanis is still unsociable and awkward. He's always been that way. Thinking about what if Illario asks the other companions about Lucanis when they stop by the Cantori Diamond, and has to do a double take when someone says, "Oh yeah, Lucanis is hilarious. Always has something funny to say."

And Illario is like??? Lucanis? My cousin Lucanis? Is making people laugh? On purpose?

Bellara goes on a tangent about the book she's reading, and how Lucanis had such a good interpretation of the villain's motivations and it made the ending so much sadder! She's never been in a book club before, she's so happy Lucanis suggested it.

And Illario quietly mouths the words "book club" to himself because, aside from contracts, when has Lucanis ever joined any kind of club?

Of course Taash thinks Lucanis is just the coolest. Antivan Crows are already pretty cool, but a Crow with wings? Who's teaching her how to say good one-liners? Fuck yeah, Lucanis is awesome!

Then if an unromanced Emmerich starts dating Strife, he nearly gives Illario whiplash with the comment "Lucanis gives excellent romantic advice, especially with gifts." Because surely we can't be talking about the same Lucanis. The same Lucanis who has never been in a relationship, and the one (1) time he tried to flirt with Viago -- by *sending a gift* specifically -- Viago either ignored it or took it as a threat. Did the demon do this? Can demons make their hosts charismatic?

Davrin calls Lucanis a "fun drinking buddy." Harding appreciates how concerned Lucanis is that she's being fairly compensated for her services. Offers to lend her his contract negotiator, show her what other people are charging for the same services, he's really so sweet.

And a romanced Rook. Most people make insanely hot Rooks, so Illario watches, completely baffled, as Lucanis manages to pull that. Or if not that, Neve Gallus. Just. how?? Lucanis made one step out of the Ossuary and fell into a Pit Of Friends. All it took was like one month away from Caterina's influence (and the prison) to turn Lucanis into a guy everyone likes being around. How did this happen. When. How the hell is Illario suppose to defeat his cousin if his cousin is armed with the power of friendship? (He can't. Illario is very much defeated by Lucanis' power of friendship.)

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FluffyNinjaLlama, savior that you are. I did slightly misremember the banter, Spite's exact words are "smells like tears and lying," which is. slightly different. But essentially the same. It is the third version of Lucanis' banter in the video below, for anyone who hasn't heard it and would like to.

Nothing Rook can say to Solas will ever be more savage than Spite looking him in the eye and going “Hmm. Smells like lies and crying.”

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I'm going insane trying to find some recording of this. I heard it with my own ears. I have spoken with others who heard it with their own ears. It's in the final mission if you bring Lucanis. But none of the companion banter compilations on youtube have it. I have never in my life made a video of any kind but this dialogue has to be recorded. Do I need to make a whole new playthrough to catch Spite's unmatched sass. Does anyone out there know where it is recorded. Have others already shouldered this burden or is it a treasure yet unclaimed.

Nothing Rook can say to Solas will ever be more savage than Spite looking him in the eye and going “Hmm. Smells like lies and crying.”

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Nothing Rook can say to Solas will ever be more savage than Spite looking him in the eye and going “Hmm. Smells like lies and crying.”

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Emmerich: Oh yes, Lucanis is a lovely traveling companion. He gives excellent romantic advice.

Viago: He does what.

Emmerich: Well, first dates are important, and when I first began to see Strife, Lucanis' suggestion went over wonderfully.

Viago: What was the suggestion?

Emmerich: That I should give him a knife.

Viago: ???

Emmerich: And Strife loved it so much! Lucanis really does have a talent.

Viago: ??!?

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I was blind. You are entirely correct. Bellara is probably going to make a book club when she finds out Lucanis reads romance.

(Which gives. uh. An unexpected pang to things if they try to hide it from Rook because they assume Rook doesn’t want to talk about Varric.)

If anyone’s going to collect Varric’s entire “Swords and Shields” romance serial, I think it would be 1) Cassandra Pentaghast, and 2) Lucanis Dellamorte

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If anyone’s going to collect Varric’s entire “Swords and Shields” romance serial, I think it would be 1) Cassandra Pentaghast, and 2) Lucanis Dellamorte

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still i think the one of the more fun differences drawn between illario and lucanis that was lost would be illario's ability to endear himself to others but serious lack of empathy, vs. lucanis' (self perceived) inability to be charming but how much he cares. it's interesting that the game has gone with the "lucanis' ability vs illario's lack thereof" because i think illario being the dellamorte 'best in show dog' vs. lucanis' attack dog would have made me so unwell.

lucanis is... awkward. he's not unlikable, because he is usually very polite, but he doesn't speak much and only seems to care about the other dellamortes. he once sent viago de riva a knife with no note (who knows what he could have meant by this). he does what caterina asks of him, and by his own admission, cannot say no to her. he is a dramatic and prolific killer, and that makes how untouchable he is even worse.

and the crows like illario, sure, AND he's a good assassin! he's even a good crow! he's so good that he can make lucanis smile, and so he is the charming, sociable one. he's the one that stays in treviso and can be relied upon to care, illario's even the one people prefer over caterina and lucanis!

but illario is decoration. he's the prize poodle, and even if poodles were bred to be working dogs, nobody will ever pick him to protect the house over the german shepherd that regularly mauls intruders. anyways the analogy is getting away from me. the point i'm trying to make is that i want illario to have a different kind of jealousy/hatred that's not just over 'being bad at killing' but also an arrogant loathing for everyone around him that is getting harder to hide, because they've forgotten he can bite and is just itching to rip someone's jugular out. illario is very good at hiding his family resemblance to caterina, while lucanis suffers under his grandmother's, and his own, reputation.

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I really do love the narrative’s insistence on Lucanis "least charming Crow” Dellamorte. Because the way he backs you to the wall is so goddamn hot, not even he could handle it. Took it straight out of one of his romance novels, then immediately thought "Oh no, too effective, can't do it." And then he never does it again. It's so funny. Lucanis used (Action: Flirt) exactly once and scared himself with his own sexy. Only genuine human vulnerability from here on out. Our beloved Awkward Pantry Man simply cannot endure his own attractiveness.

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On an intellectual level, I know what uthenara sounds like because I've heard it spoken aloud. On a spiritual level, I always always think it's "urethra" when I see it written, and with all this DAV talk, I keep having to read "when Solas woke up from urethra" and it hard-resets my brain every time.

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thinking about mid act 3 hawke romancing a near non-responsive anders who's deep into writing his manifesto and planning the grand finale and has checked out mentally, hawke who's lost bethany and carver and leandra. it's very fun. to think about all that

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Veilguard spoilers

omg literally in the FIRST DREAM

Rook: “Is this connection from blood magic?”

Solas: “I abhor the use of blood magic. But if I could use it to control you, I already would have.”

Sir please control your nonsense.

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Lucanis Spoilers

I love how goofy stupid Illario is. I was genuinely taken off guard by him as the twist villain, because it was so obvious, I thought "No way a trained Crow would be this stupid. I know they all say Illario is bad at his job, but surely not THAT bad."

And it just. kept happening. "Who would have betrayed the family this way?" Well it can't be Incredibly Obvious Jealous Sibling, he'd be so silly to do that. Surely not the person who is literally, physically, the man behind the throne of First Talon.

Oh he wants to help get revenge? Wants to get all up in Lucanis' business? Well he's got to be telling the truth, then. If he was lying, this would be an incredibly stupid thing to do.

Standing ominously on the roof of Zara's hideout? No way. No way a traitor would be that stupid. Illario is a trained Crow. Surely he knows how this looks.

Oh he killed Zara before she could name the traitor? He has blood magic now? He, a non-mage, suddenly has access to Zara's specialty magic? There has to be another explanation. He's a Dellamorte. Right? No Dellamorte could be that incompetent.

And the funniest part is, I feel like Lucanis is going through the exact same experience. Slowly coming to the conclusion, but not really wanting to believe it, because. like. How could Lucanis come from the same house as such a bad Crow? Surely Illario is better than this. Surely he absorbed one single lesson from their upbringing.

Now I have to imagine the gang meeting Illario on Zara's rooftop, and Rook saying out loud, "Well, now I know you're not the traitor. Only the stupidest traitor in the world would come back here while we're trying to find them, and there's no way a Dellamorte would ever be that stupid."

And Illario just has to fucking smile and agree, while Lucanis is muttering to himself He can't be that incompetent, he can't be that incompetent, he can't be that incompetent, like he's trying to pray one shred of common sense into Illario's head.

No wonder Lucanis had no idea what to do with Illario at the end. If Illario was a competent Crow, they would just kill him, but Illario literally isn't even a threat. He's so non-threatening that allowing him to go free genuinely doesn't seem like a problem. Illario is going to be the Crow jester for the rest of his life.

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shelving for fanfic purposes

because of how insane the dynamic would be of Lucanis x Hawke who crawled out of the Fade, particularly one who broke up with Anders after the Chantry. Abomination? With a spirit who actually *wants* to be in the relationship? Hawke would physically inhale this man. Doesn't matter how awkward he is, Hawke is infinitely weirder. "You could do better than me" absolutely not. Hawke is going to chew you. Hawke is going to fight the leader of the Antaam who has overtaken the city for you, because that is an oddly specific problem they have solved before. He's First Talon of the Crows but somehow Hawke is his Scary Dog Privilege. He's worried grocery shopping isn't a proper date meanwhile Hawke is vibrating from the first Calm Vibes they've experienced in their life. He's a disaster bisexual but Hawke once disaster bisexualled the start of an international religious war.

i can’t believe they really committed to him never having had a relationship before. and never having had any friends either unless you count the close family member who tried to kill him. and the one time he tried to flirt with someone he was completely ignored and he probably fucked it up even more than he thinks. and he sleeps in your pantry and when you go see him there, he says things like “we’re running low on onions”. have we found him, the ideal man,

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(Minor Veilguard spoilers) The Lords Of Fortune having a strict code about returning cultural artifacts to their home cultures is so funny when you consider that Isabela caused the coup in act 2 of DA2 specifically because she treasure hunted a cultural artifact. She didn’t display any outward remorse over it, and you rarely hear discourse about Isabela’s body count vs. Anders’ body count. Now Veilguard has shown us that Isabela did in fact have very deep feelings about what happened, just didn’t talk about them at all.

But like, girl definitely learned her lesson. She learned her lesson so hard that she makes everyone else learn it. Absolutely NO cultural robbery AT ALL, she’s not doing that shit again, absolutely not. Put that tablet back where it belongs. Shut your mouth. Give it back. Okay you can plunder the other stuff, get rich, get drunk, have fun. But nnNOOO DONT YOU DARE SELL THAT, PUT IT WHERE IT BELONGS