lynnmarvel

[lynnmarvel]

I loved you more than you know....

It just sucks... It sucks that I still love him the same amount even though he hurt me. I keep trying to hate him but I just can't. My heart just won't let it happen. I try to keep myself distracted but sometimes keeping it in makes it worse. We both knew that this wasn't gonna last so why is it so hard for me to move on. I just want him to hurt the same amount as me. How can you move on so quick and I'm here crying and trying to figure out how to fix my heart. I'm in so much pain. I never knew that your heart can actually feel like it's broken. I just don't even want to be alive because this pain hurts so much... I just don't know what to do anymore...

[lynnmarvel]

Who breaks up with someone on April Fools? pt. 1

Being in a relationship you thought would last or hoped would last... hurts when it unexpectedly ends. I never thought I could love someone as much as I did... and sometimes still do. I used to think of him before I went to sleep and he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. But I’m not sure if that was just because it was my first real relationship or it was because I genuinely just loved him. The majority of our relationship was good, until I felt that we were growing apart, and the stuff I loved that we did... we no longer did... or technically he never did or wanted to do anymore. I had the feeling and tried my best to avoid it or fix it in my own way, but I was always getting irritated by the small things he wasn’t doing anymore or that he wasn’t talking as much... All that irritation played part in our break up. 

April 1st, my first “official” boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. After 16 months, I thought that it would have meant something more than to do it over the fucking phone. But no... thats what happened. Did you notice the date too? Yes, that day was mother fucking April Fools day... So I thought he was joking the way he always is. He kept saying he wasn't joking, but he always had this fucked up way of joking around so I couldn't take him seriously... I was at my uncles having lunch at this time... and I started having an uneasy feeling in my stomach that this really wasn’t a joke, so I left and went home...

I was texting him, telling him this isn’t funny... and he just replied. “I’m not joking.” I was driving home still thinking he was joking but this time I just felt sick to the point where I just wanted to throw up. Instead of going home I went to my sisters house because I wanted to see my newborn niece, and they were on their way back home, so I just went in and waited... Then I got the call from him again. 

I was like “This really isn’t funny” and he was like, “I already told you... This isn’t a joke... I just don’t think this is gonna work out anymore.” Once I heard that... I just broke down in tears and asked “OUT OF ALL THE DAYS WHY  TODAY, WHY?!” All I remember my self saying is “ NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE... NO. THIS CANT BE HAPPENING.” My sister came home to me crying and pacing back and fourth while still on the phone with him, and she grabs my phone and asks nicely... “Why, what’s happening?” on the other side of the line she hears him say “I’m Breaking up with her” She asks “why?” and he says... “Its just not gonna work out” and she’s like “okay bye” 

As much as I want to forget this day or how strong I act since the break up... Times like these where I can’t sleep is where it effects me the most. Where I see little things in my room that remind me of him and how much I miss him... We’re still friends, but it still hurts to see his face or all the gifts he gave me. It’s so hard to let it go because there’s so many good memories and I don’t want to hate him because he was a big supporter in my life. Especially with how I was last year with my suicidal attempts and my depression being as bad as it was, it’s just hard to set my emotions in order. Which is why I always try to stay busy.

I believe I genuinely loved him, and he was the first guy I talked to who I saw a future with... but we were different in so many ways, but we tried to work it out. I literally told him everything about my life that I usually keep closed off from anyone, and it sucks that I don’t have him like that in my life still. As much as I want to forget that he broke up with me... I can’t because this is the reality... It happened and I just need to learn and grow from it. 

[lynnmarvel]

last night I heard my mom telling my dad, “I have two children, stop being the third”.

[lynnmarvel]

me remembering all of the personal information I’ve shared with ppl I no longer talk to:

[lynnmarvel]

Chicago✨

[lynnmarvel]

RIP Stan Mikita

[lynnmarvel]

[lynnmarvel]

[lynnmarvel]

Minimal Setups By Traf | More

[lynnmarvel]

Lake Louise, Alberta | jsn.ptrsn

[lynnmarvel]

Photography by _marcelsiebert

[lynnmarvel]

[lynnmarvel]

nature lockscreens

[lynnmarvel]

Photography by _marcelsiebert

[lynnmarvel]

Photography by _marcelsiebert

[lynnmarvel]

[lynnmarvel]

if you could see me now

i swear you’d change your mind