life-is-fake-i-guess-blog

[life-is-fake-i-guess-blog]

Me and ticking

Christmas when i was in fifth grade i had some weird tics in my arms. My family was worried but it didnt happen again so noone thought something about it.

Two weeks before Easter break we had two classtests i didnt want to write so i wanted to pretend to be ill. But it didnt work so i started doing the ticks with my arms again. My family got worried i stayed at home, we went to a few doctors. Nobody knew what i had. 

No surprise to me obviously. But went to a lot of different doctors. at some point i started to often to do this weird thing that was a weird mix of blacking out, dissociaton and spacing out. I dont even remember if this was real or fake. I had to do a lot of tests some really painful ones.

Some suggested that i have epilepsie but i didnt. the tests said something differentg. then someone said maybe a ticking disorder. When my mother told me this word i found it so funny. I almost wanted to have it. But then they said that i probably most likley dont have it.

At some points i couldnt control it anymore. I didnt decide anymore when my body did weird things. I was so scared and panicked wich made me think i may actually have asthma because till then i didnt knew what panic attacks were.

I was so scared that it happend again. that i faked myself sick.

i had to stay in the hospital for like four days or something and my symptoms magically stopped. I didnt dare to do it again. 

I swore to never fake anything ever again but uh- you know i didnt do that.

I went back to school then. I missed 5 weeks if school.

A few week after my stay at the hospital my mother told me that one of the doctors asked her if it was possible that i faked the whole thing. She said that theere were no wassy and the doctor believed her because he couldnt actually believe that a child would go so far. especially after i satyed at the hospital and did really painful tests.

i couldnt bring myself to tell the truth.

and i still cant do

~Vyn

[life-is-fake-i-guess-blog]

All these post "you can't faking something accidentally it's a conscious decision you make" are so true!

But so many people don't believe it for some reason.

So let me tell you as someone who actually faked a mental illness (I'm not proud of it)

You are not faking your mental illness

You know that while acting, while pretending. There is no question am I gaslighting myself. When starting it you know it. It's a role you play when you fake it.

If you question yourself and think you might be faking it then you are not. That's not how it works. Trust me

You are not faking it for attention or validation!

[life-is-fake-i-guess-blog]

Me and Asthma

I my or may not have Asthma. I don´t know anymore.

it all started in primary/elemantary school when i said i couldnt breathe. I wanted attention and i also didnt want to be in class. This happend a few times also when i had training (because i did sports).

So my mum and i went to the doctor because not being able to breathe correctly is something you should get checked. I had no problem with this. I didnt had anything against doctors or clinics and i also knew that i had nothimg because i made my problems up.

I went a few times to a few doctors did a lot of tests and got diagnosed with Asthma. Honestly i was really confused. But then i thought maybe this will save my life one day having a diagnosis and medicaments and also something for an emergency. The weird thing is i did actually start to struggle breathing. After i got the diagnosis. Sometimes i used Asthma as an excuse to get out of Sports. Because i dont like sports. But honestly this made me panic a bit.

Why do i have something now? When it started out as fake.

Then a bit of stuff happend, i had stress with some doctors and i just stopped going to my appointments and i were fine. ( I dont exactly remember what happend)

A few motnths ago i was like maybe i should go get checked again. Then i had a new appointment a few weeks ago.

I had to do some of the same tests i did years ago. the doctor said that he thinks that i dont have asthma. My parents were confused but it made sense to me. He says it most likely a misdiagnosis because 7 years ago they knew different thigs. Long story short im probably just short and perfectly fine.

This makes sense to me but it brings the whole story in mind again and i feel so bad

i dont wanna go back but i have to because He wants to makes sure if i have asthma or not. I have the feeling that i know that i dont.

~Vyn

[life-is-fake-i-guess-blog]

about this blog

I had several blogs before and still don´t know how to use Tumblr

I want to start new with a new emailaddress and a new name. So you can call me Vyn.

I want to be honest and i want to try and find out who i really am because i dont know anymore. Life is weird right now.  I did some things in the past and i try to stop but its hard. I guess that some people would hate me for it but i  am really trying.  My Story in short

I faked several conditions (Asthma, ticking disorders; both without knowing that these existed)

i faked being in love several time and confesse so many times

I lie a lot and sometimes i cant stop myself, sometimes i dont know anymore what is real and what a lie

I probably faked depression but im not so sure about this one

My only aesthetik was being stupid and cute but i have a high IQ

all my post regarding this fake life will be under tag #vyns fake life

Basically i dont want my life to be fake anymore

i wanna change

~Vyn