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everything about this is sending me

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calculator more like calcuLATER i aint about that math life

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you’re sitting across from me in a shitty diner in anywhere, america, and i watch you pour too much creamer in your coffee and i think “i love you.” you look up, catching me staring, and for a moment i think i’m brave enough to say it, but i take too long and the moment passes. i take the balled up straw wraper and flick it at you, pretending that was my plan all along. you laugh. i never want to go another day without hearing that laugh. i think i will have all the time in the world to say it.

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a moment of silence please because today is the day lily, james and harry potter crashed their car into a crocodile which ate harrys parents and then took out a knife and gave him a lightning bolt scar. This is such a tragic day for eveyone around the world

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so today I drove past a traffic sign that said 'hey teens buckling up is totes yeet yo'

i wish i was joking but after we screamed a bit my brother attempted to get a picture as proof, failed, and ended up with this masterpiece that pretty much sums up the whole experience

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My family: when are ya gonna get a boyfriend

Me:

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My family: when are ya gonna get a boyfriend

Me:

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For those of you lying on your resumes about being proficient in Microsoft Office, time to actually get those skills. Jobs exams are becoming more popular. Companies are testing you to make sure you actually know your shit.

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imagine roughly a million people realizing "yeah we could storm a government facility and they literally would not be able to stop us all" and not using that knowledge to overthrow the government

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Reader: “Oh my God! I can’t wait to see what happens next!”

Me, the author, who has been winging this plot since chapter one:

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NOT gonna say this again!! A CYBORG is something PARTIALLY ROBOTIC. An ANDROID is something that is FULLY ROBOTIC, MADE TO LOOK HUMAN. A ROBOT is FULLY ROBOTIC and NOT DESIGNED TO LOOK HUMAN!!

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Being in a mid-2000s High School Health class and they show you this on DVD

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Therapist: "And what do we say when life disappoints us"

Me: "Called it"

Therapist: "no"

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rip to all the kids who used to reads books cover to cover in one sitting and now can’t find the energy to read for fun