lgcjunhwan

[lgcjunhwan]

lgc:bgtraineeeval  :  reflection.    wc  /  325.

“i’d like to do more next time,” junhwan says, perfectly candid as he sits back in the plastic folding chair across from one of his coaches, legs spread wide with his hands clasped between them. it was his first thought when he saw the lyrics sheet for my house, and his first thought when they were all pulled aside to watch haru’s performance on the day of the concert too. he’s still not sure that he likes the spotlight all that much, but junhwan’s starting to consider the privacy invasion -- by the company, like, never even mind the way fans can apparently get -- might be worth trading for a chance to do the only thing he’s even close to feeling passionate about. he wants more lines. he wants more time standing on stage.

he’s never felt much of anything, always choosing to suppress his emotions as he feels them rising within him, but that day, watching the members of haru, he was able to see himself up there one day too ... or, well, in ten or so minutes, when performed my house. but, y’know. “context,” he says. 

he shrugs his shoulders and slumps farther back in his chair, far enough that he can rest his head on its back behind him. it’s a precarious position, clearly testing the plastic chair’s limits. 

“i used to be, like, way more mad about what happened on future dreams, but looking at v&a and type zero -- i dunno. it obviously wasn’t meant to be or whatever, or otherwise i probably wouldn’t be sitting here. but like, besides that, i’m not mad about it anymore. at this point in time, like, where i am is better. if i’d debuted, i don’t think i would’ve gotten to actually take a look at myself.” a pause. that’s the crux of it all. seo junhwan’s belated look inwards. “i have a much clearer idea of what i want now.”

[lgcjunhwan]

@LGCENT just posted a photo!

pursuing a side hustle as a bridge dwelling essential oils peddling troll. please support me

#lgctrainees #lgcent #seojunhwan

[lgcjunhwan]

    &   handheld  ,

lgcyein​:

     she thinks about a lot of things at once — what drink she’s going to get ( especially if she’s not paying ), if she should work on that choreography set she was having trouble with today, if she should just give up on the idol life in general and do something else. all of them are valid and important, but they get pushed back as she looks at him, at his hand on the table, and wonders what that’s about.

     these days, what he wants from her hangs like a big question mark above her head, always keeping her guessing. what she wants from him might be an even bigger one, but it’s one that she can ignore until she figures out the first — whatever conclusion she comes to would probably be based on that anyways, and until then she’ll take everything with a relative calm.

     yein pauses, placing her hand deliberately on the table as well, letting it rest a few inches away from her’s as she holds her drink with the other. she thinks it’s just ambiguous enough, a safe place to be for the time being. 

     suddenly, she does feel a bit like she’s in a high school drama, minus the uniforms. she’s never been the type for things like this, but she supposes there are exceptions to every rule.

     “hm? the lgc girls summer thing?” she tilts her head, looking at him as she shrugs. “no.” her answer is definite and matter of fact, just like her decision had been after the few minutes that she had spent considering it. yein already hated dance practice, and picking up on choreography was never her thing, so an opportunity to do that but in a bootcamp style? yawn. “it seemed like a lot of effort, and besides…” she pauses, “i think i want to be an actress instead of an idol. acting is more fun anyways, and i won’t have to dance.”

he smiles. sometimes junhwan wonders if both of them are in the wrong industry -- he’s gunning for a space in the spotlight that he isn’t even sure he wants. what yein wants is an even bigger mystery: him? or a friendship? or nothing at all? or, acting, apparently. 

“you should do it,” he says, almost immediately as soon as the words are out of her mouth. he worries that maybe he seems too enthusiastic, but figures that it’s too late for him to start trying not to make a fool out of himself in front of her. time and time again he’s tripped over his own feet in an effort to impress her, with various levels of success. he wasn’t always so serious, or so typical in his endeavours. he never used to be the type to take her or anyone out for a drink before nightfall. times change though, he supposes, especially quickly when he feels like time is running out. “acting, i mean. you’re good.” a pause. “you’re unreadable sometimes.” 

and he wonders how that can be. how can she be so straight forward and yet a mystery to him all at once. junhwan thinks he’s sick of dancing too. it’s there, hanging on his tongue, the things he really wants to say, too attached to the feeling of almost.

“i dunno what they want from me anymore but,” he lets his sentence trail off. one beat passes, then two, then three. junhwan clears his throat of imaginary phlegm. “i think i know ...” knows what? famously, seo junhwan knows nothing. “i’ve gotta figure that out for myself, right? like you have.” this atmosphere doesn’t suit them. junhwan drowns his feelings in his drink, and comes back up for air with a smile. “you think i got the looks to be a model?”

[lgcjunhwan]

lgc:bgtraineeeval  :   reflection.    wc  /  392.

what did he think of the experience? junhwan takes a deep breath, and tries to conjure up any string of sentences that would make sense as a response, but fails in the wake of his brain beginning to melt as the performance adrenaline starts to fade. they asked for their honest opinions, and that’s exactly what they’re going to get from him -- he doesn’t have the capability to make himself look any better than what he is right now.

and anyways, he thinks he performed pretty well. he probably looks good enough right now. maybe. ugh.

“to be honest ... i was really shocked to even be chosen. i appreciate the opportunity, like, a lot. i was even happier when i heard what songs we’d be doing. shine is a song that i relate to, and that i already kinda sorta knew, so i felt comfortable rehearsing it for the last month and performing it today. kinda like it was my own song. which i know it’s not, but that’s how well i felt i knew it coming here to perform for you today. my house was more difficult for me. i’m ... not a very serious person. i think you all probably know that already. but because of that, and because i was comfortable with shine, i put a lot more effort into my house. i had more to make up for, so i put in the work.” finally, junhwan takes a breath. he can’t help feeling small under their combined gaze. being honest like this with the coaches is very new for him. he’d never wanted to let them in before. “i feel way more satisfied with my second performance today because of that. shine is the kind of concept that everyone expects from me, so doing something totally different helped me improve more this past month than i would’ve otherwise. you get me?”

he doesn’t want to admit it, so he doesn’t, but for the first time, seo junhwan put his heart into something non-self destructive.

“acting as leader was unnatural for me too, but i didn’t hate it. i think i’d be okay leading practices and shi-- stuff like that, but i dunno if full responsibility is, y’know,” he makes a vague gesture with his hand. “yeah. uh, i think that’s all i have to say. thanks.”

[lgcjunhwan]

lgc:bgtraineeeval  :   evaluation.    wc  /  496.

junhwan is buzzing. his brain is buzzing, his skin is buzzing, everything is go-go-going. it’s not fear, by any means, it’s pure excitement. the anxiety could come after, when he’s out the door and there’s nothing else at stake. then, he can run for the nearest trash can and -- gross. no, he’s gonna dig up all his worry early, after he made such an effort to bury it. this might be the last bone they’ll throw him, and he can’t afford to fail. he’d pushed all of those nerves around all month, using them to fuel his practices late into the night. for a long time, he’d forgotten how good pure pre-performance exhilaration could feel. he’d forgotten how good it felt just to be well prepared. 

when it’s his turn to step on the mark, junhwan takes his first position, crouched down on the ground and ready for shine to start. it’s a song that carries a sort of inherent goofiness to it, with lyrics that put the singer down in a comical way. it’s a feeling he understands, actually. seo junhwan would be the first person to tell you that he is, in fact, a silly little bastard man who’s too much of a pussy to act on his own feelings. it hits too close to home, to be honest. but, it’s fine. it’s what gives him the confidence to take it easy up there and show the coaches him in his absolute element as a performer. the concept, the song, the dance; they all come naturally. that being the case, he thinks it shows him off not only as a cute boyfriend concept killer, but as a jack of all trades in terms of skill as well. 

my house is a different story altogether. he’s thankful for shine being the other choice. his familiarity with it meant that he could spend more time focusing on the more difficult to pull off my house. he has plenty of confidence in himself, and in his looks, but that usually applied to songs that weren’t so sexy in concept. junhwan put a lot of work into making my house look as natural for him as shine, but on the day, he can’t deny that in his performances, he put a little more effort behind the second song than the first. he’s not sure how it comes across -- can they tell that he has to put more work into one than the other? do they think he doesn’t care about shine? does he look constipated performing my house? does he look like he’s lost in his own head? the what ifs go on and on, but whatever they’re thinking, junhwan performs like he’s fighting for his life. he might still have to prove he wants to be there. he doesn’t know. he just doesn’t know. 

whatever he does, whatever they’re thinking, the second song ends and junhwan is wearing a smile when he takes his bow. 

[lgcjunhwan]

    &   leap  ,

eunholgc​:

eunho had decided to grab his water bottle and make sure it was filled with water, but then when he suddenly felt a clap on his back, he turned his head, and his wide eyes met with junhwan’s. for a moment, he was confused, but then he remembered that this week was junhwan’s leadership week. the previous week he had gotten the chance to lead; it was an experience he had yet to have; even when he had been in middle school, eunho never bothered to volunteer as captain for the soccer team ( even they tried to urge him ).

his confused expression gets exchanged with a knowing one, and he smiles upon hearing the other’s question.

“ i am feeling alright, a little stiff from yesterday’s workout, ” he nods; eunho had decided to visit the gym the previous day. he hadn’t been able to go for the last few weeks, but he’d managed to find an hour the previous day.

seeing this side of junhwan made eunho want to laugh, considering when they were in their dorm, they never spoke about things that revolved around training.

eunho wants to laugh when he listens to the other babble, “ i am not feeling shaky. my body feels tense after yesterday, so i need to stretch appropriately today and make sure my body is warmed up. ” lifting his brows he wonders how he can make this entire experience not awkward for junhwan, “ wanna help me stretch? ”

“yeah? man, no wonder,” awkwardly, probably somewhat inappropriately, junhwan squeezes eunho’s shoulder where his hand lays. he’s trying to say the gym hours are paying off, trying to tell him he shouldn’t work himself so hard. all that comes out, though, is, “you’re fucking crazy.” because you’d never catch junhwan in the gym on a day off or during a free hour -- but eunho already knows that. he wonders how many times eunho’s walked in on him in their room, blacked out and face down in his underwear on his bed, making the most of spare time in the only way he knows how. “uh, you should take it easy if you can today then, y’know? ... or not, yeah.”

he nods, lips sucked up to his teeth, hands on his hips. “yeah, man, no problem. get on the ground.” it’s therapeutic in a way, going through the same old stretching routine, pulling nearly gently on eunho’s legs, giving his shoulders a brief rub -- “your back could cramp up if you’re not careful, i don’t wanna have to deal with that.” he does his own set too, finishing what he started before he turned his attention to eunho, pushing himself and his bendy limbs further than he would anyone else. his reflection looks a little freaky, even to him, so junhwan keeps his eyes trained on the practice room floor until it’s time to shake himself out, limb by limb, from wrist to shoulder and from ankle to hip. 

maybe he’d been feeling more tense than he’d realised too, because he feels much better now. or, maybe the seal on his leadership duties had just been broken, and surprise! he’d made it way scarier than it needed to be. 

“feelin’ any looser?”

[lgcjunhwan]

         &   click click  ,

lgcharu​:

     haru wasn’t sure what to expect when junhwan had asked to go over the questions for the interview workshop together considering they had barely talked much before this, even while they were both on future dreams together. it was just easier for him to stick with those he already knew and was friends with while he focused on doing well on the show, thanks to all the pressure he felt to impress and prove he wasn’t a risk to trust (although admittedly, he was the one to put that on himself).

     however, a part of him does want to get to know junhwan better especially since any time that he could’ve done so was cut short when the other was eliminated so he had literally no chance to because he was busy himself. now was the perfect opportunity though, even if their reason for meeting was less than exciting. haru has no problem talking about his family–and has already on multiple occasions before, even on tv–but he’s beginning to think interviews are not going to be his strong point despite how much he can talk.

     he chuckles hearing junhwan’s complaint, setting down his own paper with the questions on it in his lap where his legs are crossed, and glances at the older, amused. it seemed like there were a lot of them who hated the workshop’s topic this time. “what if they ask you ‘how would you describe your family?’ what will you answer with?” he asks, curious. haru’s a little surprised (but pleased) that it’s not uncomfortable speaking with junhwan like this but he wonders how much he’s allowed to ask about his family without prying.

nose scrunched, junhwan answers first with a long uhhhh, fingers drumming against the ground, impatient for his own answer. he settles with a shrug, lips twisted to one side. “d’you ever do any language classes?” ugh. idiot, of course he had. but more to the point, so had junhwan. he studied english in school, before he dropped out. but he was pretty good -- his teacher had called him an idiot savant. kind of a back handed compliment, looking back. “y’know how they always start with bullshit nobody uses like i have four brothers? i’ll just pull out some shit like that. how would i describe my family? i have parents and brothers. our house was too small for all of us to live together in without killing each other.” junhwan stops himself there, before he starts spewing out more oversharing crap. he might as well have moved out years before he actually did, upon becoming a trainee, since he spent most of his nights stowing away at friends’ houses. to an extent, he feels bitter, but mostly he just hopes that maybe they’ll get along better in the future, once one of his brothers agrees to follow in their dad’s footsteps. “i dunno. something like that, but, like, nicer. i’ll ... just say there was a lot of us and the house was always busy.”

slumping further down in his seat, junhwan scans the questions on the page, up and down one by one, before he comes back around to the first one. “what about you?” haru’s like him -- they both have reputations for not shutting the fuck up. but haru’s also unlike him -- he seems like a chill guy. junhwan, on the other hand ... “this type of shit must’ve come up before for you, right? i don’t even know why people care.”

[lgcjunhwan]

    &   click click  ,

the pressure of future dreams is gone, and junhwan is free to return to his usual state of mind -- after, like, a whole three months of self deprecation. he’s more relaxed than he has been in a long time, reassured in his position by the advent of whatever the hell the company has cooking up backstage.

meanwhile, as he prepares to perform covers for the company’s stupid secret project, whatever the hell they’re up to, half of the guys he was on future dreams with are getting ready to debut. he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little jealous -- toxicity comes so naturally to him, after all -- but he doesn’t care much for the demos or practices he’s heard of v&a’s debuts. that, admittedly, makes him nervous for his own potential debut, but he’s fine for now. shine and my house are songs he likes; he’ll take that. one of the v&a guys, @lgcharu, is a good guy. he’s someone junhwan doesn’t really know that well, someone who he’d like to know better, but before now, he’d been so sucked into his own shit that he couldn’t get to know anybody new. 

now, it’s okay. the pressure’s off, and he can use these stupid interview training things to pull people aside. 

junhwan flicks through the questions, lying on his back on a practice room floor, chin tucked to his chest. “man, this is so dumb. my family doesn’t even want me to talk about them, y’know? i have to make something up, or else they’ll be mad.”

[lgcjunhwan]

      &    q3 interview workshop   ,

it takes a second for junhwan to settle into his seat for the mock interview. he feels like the vibes are off, but maybe that’s just because of the subject matter. family. 

how would you describe your family?

annoying. neglectful. lots of other words he can’t really say in a situation like this. hands hanging down between his spread legs, loosely linked by the fingers, junhwan chooses his words with care, thinking back on the prep he’s been doing over the last few days. “we’re a busy family. there’s a lot of us -- like, my grandparents, my parents, my siblings and me. so, you can imagine, there was always a lot going on at home.” they asked him to describe, and he was running with that as literally as he could. “i’m one of the middle children, so there wasn’t as much pressure on me to go into the family business -- my dad and my grandfather are both fishermen -- and i got to explore a lot of avenues because of that.” like skinning his knees playing football on concrete, and getting salt in those fresh same fresh wounds from seawater. arriving on his current path was a total fluke, but whatever. “i’m closest with my younger brothers.”

as a child, what were you most likely to be found doing?

“playing soccer, probably.” uh, what else? the coach’s eyes look expectant, as if his three word answer wasn’t a full sentence in and of itself. junhwan clears his throat and continues, “i never had a chance of going pro, because i was always that kid who’d dive on purpose to try and get penalties against the other team. i was really annoying for that reason.” the coach frowns. “but, um, i was a real team player otherwise. i guess that’s why i like performing in groups these days too.”

what’s one piece of advice you would give your younger self?

stay in school. ha, no. maybe if people find out he dropped out, he’ll say that to save face if he has to, but for now, junhwan would probably say, “believe in yourself. stay authentic.” so corny, he has to hold himself back from cringing. but, it’s the truth. it’s what he’d tell his younger self -- even if that younger self was just himself from a handful of months back. “don’t beat yourself up so much over your mistakes. self pity doesn’t do anyone any good, so you might as well work hard and pick yourself back up.” y’know, without it taking months and a descent into his most self destructive vices first.

[lgcjunhwan]

@LGCENT just posted a photo!

refreshing (:

#lgctrainees #lgcent #seojunhwan

[lgcjunhwan]

teeny tiny thread tracker to try and keep my shit together! also serving as a proper thread/plot call for interview prep threads, and for any threads with any of the others participating in the trainee evaluation, if anyone is still on the look out too! as usual, i’m available here, and also on twt here for plots.

interview workshop

preparation thread #1 / open. preparation thread #2 / open.

trainee evaluation

teamwork thread (for junhwan’s turn as leader) / @eunholgc.  teamwork thread (for ???’s turn as leader) / open. literally any and all threads with the guys from the top secret project / open. i'm gonna message everyone i’m not already chatting with anyways though just because i’m excited.

non-event

handheld / @lgcyein​.  junhwan stops being a little bitch, to be named smth else thread / @lgchanbyul​. thread #n / open infinitely!

[lgcjunhwan]

     &   leap  ,

it took almost a whole month, but junhwan’s name was finally drawn to lead their rag-tag team for their free practice on august 21st. it wasn’t so bad; he wasn’t alone in the endeavour, at least, and his confidence was climbing back to its previous heights -- whether that fact specifically was a good or bad thing remained to be seen. 

he spun on his heels, facing the group with a wicked grin, hands settling at his waist as he strode forward with a step. half of the sureness it carried was fake, half of it was real. a little less firmly, junhwan blew out a breath and trilled his lips, searching the room for something to grip onto. his eyes landed on @eunholgc, who he immediately sidled up to and clapped on the back. they’d settled into a routine in the last couple of sessions, and as everyone started stretching out, junhwan took the opportunity to perform a check up of sorts.

“how’re you feeling?” they had two weeks left, two more saturdays, until they’d be performing. eunho wasn’t the type that typically looked like he needed checking in on. he took to idol training like a duck to water, as far as junhwan could tell. but, that’s why it struck him to pull eunho aside -- if he didn’t do it, would anyone else even think to? junhwan operated on a strict no training talk basis in the dorms, so they didn’t talk about it then. after the amount of bullshit eunho’s seen junhwan pull, the amount he’d helped him in regaining his confidence ... well, it wasn’t like junhwan to insist on repaying a debt at all, or to even bother checking on anyone else’s feelings, but it wasn’t like him to play leader either. may as well make it a day of firsts. it didn’t come naturally, so junhwan busied himself with his stretches as he blurted out his next few words, “you feeling shaky on anything? like, you don’t look it or anything, but ... uh, i dunno, just checking. whatever, y’know?”

[lgcjunhwan]

sunwoo — naver now (210630)

[lgcjunhwan]

      &   handheld  ,

he hates having to get up early, forever moaning that if the company wanted him to succeed, they’d have put him in the evening training group, as he drags his feet from his dorm to the practice rooms. but, at least @lgcyein is in one of the morning groups too. it means junhwan can swing by afterwards, and take advantage of their anonymity to drag her across town for something to eat -- something to drink. non-alcoholic. he’s being good these days, doing his best to push his urges aside because he sees the way his friends look at him these days. is it worry? is it pity? he’s not sure which one is worse. more and more often these days, junhwan thinks he should just say fuck it and kiss her, like something out of a romantic movie. but that would be corny as hell. still, their non-spoken agreement is tiring, and grating on his mind as he offers to pay for her order. 

he slides into a chair, legs arranged haphazardly beneath himself. one hand is close to him, close to his disgustingly milky coffee. the other is halfway across the table, towards yein, spindly fingers slightly outstretched and hopeful. maybe corny is okay, sometimes. he let one important opportunity pass him by already -- he could’ve been preparing for debut right now. the privacy he enjoys so much might’ve been lost to him already had things gone a little differently.

“ -- are you gonna go for,” his voice drops low, though their table’s relative seclusion is probably all the protection they need from potential eavesdroppers, “that girls show they’re auditioning for? or whatever.” junhwan clears his throat, drops eye contact and sits back, retracting his hand slightly in the process. “like, you should. obviously. probably. if you wanna.”

[lgcjunhwan]

hey! this is sucy, arriving a little too late to be fashionable but here nonetheless. here’s my idiot son, seo junhwan. i’m gonna link his previous information posts here, with a tw for mentions of alcohol abuse. he’s still sort of down and out at the moment, but starting to pick himself back up! uh, i think that’s about it, hmu on twt @ sucywrites or like for plots here! 

[lgcjunhwan]

lgc:reflectionmission. junhwan really doesn’t care much word count: 228.

headache raging and pumping against his temples, there wasn’t much junhwan could do as he trailed his feet into his meeting other than lower his head in a bow, and raise his hand in a short, movement lacking wave. he couldn’t help wondering if in this meeting, it would finally be time that legacy’s upper management would finally let him go.

but no -- the focus was administrative changes. that he would still probably get to scribble down songs and play his old ass bass guitar someday, but that otherwise, despite his interest in become a member of a band, he was set to return to focusing on lgc’s good, classic idol trainee path. he was fine with that, truly. after all, following his future dreams elimination, there was a part, a loud, if small sized, part  of seo junhwan that became more determined to prove them wrong.

it was a small part of him for sure, but it was loud nonetheless. if they were keeping him on, on this idol trajectory, then surely it meant that they valued him somehow. that potential for validation wasn’t something he was willing to give up easily.

he had other things to think of. the people who cared about him. his parents, his siblings ... yein. and others. he’d keep on going for now, for as long as they’d have him.

[lgcjunhwan]

& hear the bells ,

lgcyein​:

     she shoots him a sideways look, keeping her body turned slightly away from him in an attempt to hide whatever she felt from his weird statement. “well obviously. why would we be getting married.” she says the last part under her breath, folding her arms across her chest. it’s just so typical of junhwan to say something that catches her off guard and makes her overthink something that may or may not be an offhanded comment.

     but she chooses to ignore it, because otherwise she would be forced to confront her thoughts and feelings, and it’s much too late for that right now. not that any time is good for her, but company events like these drain every last bit of energy out of her, and give her a good excuse to push things off. this is a problem for later, and right now she has other things to think about. like how she can last another few hours at this event without falling asleep at the snack table and probably getting kicked out of the company for being rude. but the truth of the matter is that she just doesn’t care about two of her bosses getting married — she’s half convinced they’re doing it for tax exemptions anyways.

     “i have a purse but…” she looks at the snack table, then at his pockets. mens’ pants pockets will always be a source of mystery and envy for her, she’s seen people pull entire water bottles out of them like they’re mary poppins and somehow she still has fake pockets on her jeans. “i don’t want to—”

     she’s about to say that she doesn’t want random food crumbs at the bottom of her purse, but she looks around and sees no sign of this party stopping, and it looks like they’re going to have even more speeches, so she weighs her options and gives in. “okay fine, you can put some in my purse, but please only packaged things.” 

he can ignore that. yeah. junhwan chooses to ignore that. “yeah. obviously.” why would they? even if he does like yein (which he does), he doesn’t want to get married within the next, like, twenty years. it’s too old fashioned -- and conflicts too much with his noncommittal sensibilities towards life in general anyways.

if he had to commit to anything though... whatever. all of his commitment slots are currently taken up by his contract with the stupid company anyways. he’s at his max.

luckily, yein agrees to his plan, and now he can actually focus on the scheme at hand instead of her dumb face. as yet another higher up he doesn’t quite recognise takes the stage, and junhwan’s face breaks out into a wicked grin. “let’s do this.”

“hey, i’m not that stupid. even i wrapped up the unpackaged things in napkins before i put them in my pockets.” junhwan scoffs. he can’t claim that he’s not stupid at all in good faith. yein knows that. he hopes that maybe she thinks of him as less stupid than other people do, even if, admittedly, he probably acts the most stupid around and over her. “there’s some packaged chocolate things over here. the little fucking truffle ball things in twisty plastic.” with a tilt of his head, he motioned for yein to follow him further down the table. he picks up a small handful with a cheerful smile thrown towards her, mood fully restored now that he’s up to no good -- albeit, incredibly juvenile ‘no good’, but nonetheless still more interesting than pretending to care that his mortal enemy (read: his manager, who is usually right) is getting laid. that’s what surprised junhwan the most about the whole affair. kim hyuncheol was getting some, and yet still had a stick up his ass.

maybe getting eliminated from future dreams was junhwan’s karma for always thinking shit like that. consider his lesson on that particular front unlearned.

“we can’t take too many of anything though. let’s be... strategic.”