ldk-why-lm-here - Tumblr blog

[ldk-why-lm-here]

I miss who I used to be,

when I knew who I was and what I wanted to be.

When I felt like me.

Recently I thought I had that back

I knew who I was and what I wanted to be

Best of all I felt like me,

But that was only briefly

A quick tease of the way things could be.

Now I'm back to acting like someone else wishing I could help it

Will I ever feel that again?

Will I forever be stuck in a cycle of finding myself and losing me again?

I think the worst thing I'll ever lose is myself

- 𓆟

[ldk-why-lm-here]

Sometimes I feel like I'm adrift at sea

Alone with nothing but the waves

Blue for as far as the eye can see

I find peace here,

No noise from the cars outside

No expectations from

No

Then I open my eyes

And feel the weight of my limbs

Remembering all the things I have to do

Before the day is over

My responsibilities

My hopes and my dreams

The blissful emptiness gone

And being alone is no longer beatific

Instead it's sad, isolating

All I want is to be close to someone

Feel their presence and know I'm not alone.

But I am never alone,

The plants surrounding me,

The neighbours cat sat in the window,

The birds chirping in every tree

Even when I'm a drift at sea

There are fish swimming beneath me,

Whales calling to one another,

Kelp swaying in the currents

I'm never alone, there are beautiful soals everywhere I look.

- 𓆟

[ldk-why-lm-here]

What am I supposed to think

When I see so many people and companies

Use and hurt the people that work for them

While they watch, believing that these lives

are less valuable than their own because of

the country they're from.

When I see the people I once looked up to

Being exposed as abusers and criminals

That use their status

As leverage to gain power over the ones who

trust them

When I see normal people like me

Turn a blind eye to the horror and hatred that

is happening around them

Not doing their part to help the world we're

all appart of

It's hard to want to keep going

And trust that there is good in the world.

- 𓆟

[ldk-why-lm-here]

Soon, Next, Tomorrow

I have this strange feeling of adomania,

Days go by in the blink of a eye

The moon passes and returns

And with each phase a new haze

Of fear that the future is coming,

Perhaps before I'm ready,

Steadily approaching with change in its wake

Like a lake bursting its banks

Giving no warning

To the people who live in the village below,

Fellow anxious ridden hidden humans

Who feel asthough the empty months

Filled with empty days

Go by like whiplash leaving a crash behind

That can't be redrawn

Because those days have been and gone.

- 𓆟

[ldk-why-lm-here]

Healing From Younger Me

Younger me used to think that she would never like the boring things.

She used to say that if she did when she grew older

she'd be disappointed

Now I have grown and changed beyond belief

but that little girl still remains,

and as she grew she started to see the beauty in 'boring things'

like oil painted art, poetry and long walks.

Instead of being disappointed,

she's accepted that these things are not meant for children

Who can't see the thought behind each brushstroke and word

Who can't appreciate the peace that nature brings yet.

So she's not disappointed

but, instead, is greatful that her world has become so much larger

and she can enjoy the sense of quiet thinking that comes with these things.

- 𓆟

[ldk-why-lm-here]

I'm afraid to turn off the light at night

Not because I'm scared of the dark

The dark has never bothered me

Instead I'm afraid that once I'm alone,

led in the dark with nothing but my thoughts

All that can't touch me in the day

will come, find me and pounce

Catching me while I'm vulnerable

All the anxious thoughts will come running,

charging at me

And I, defenceless, will be able to do nothing

except for cry.

Cry because of everything I've ever done and everything that I haven't

while my brain fights itself,

torn in two,

convincing me I'm awful

and reassuring me that I am not.

So I keep the light on

and stop myself from sleeping

until I can't stay awake any longer

then I suffer from tiredness

all day long

and the cycle repeats

day after day

night after night.

- 𓆟