laillakat

[laillakat]

Aftermath

In nine hours and twenty-two minutes I will be cured. I still have to wait until Phase Two to know I'm completely safe, but still. I got through this. Anxiety is filling my heart like a flood; my lungs filling with the smoke of shame. I've learned my lesson and I simply want this to be behind me. I'm praying to God because He is my only hope... The irony is not lost on me...

The succubus sighed, putting her pencil down. The therapist suggested she write her emotions out on paper, so that's what she'd been doing for an hour. It was hard at first, pride stopping Irineva in her tracks, but she slowly warmed up to the idea.

Ever since shit hit the fan, I'd been alone. Sure, I have my inner circle of "friends" but they had moved on, unsupportive. I wish I could move on but I'm locked in place. Rape, revenge porn, and now STDs... Kyle has a leash on me like the bitch I am. I never thought of sex as anything more than a vice— an entertaining pastime— but now I'm a statistic.

She looked at the pamphlet on her desk, tears welling in her eyes. Half of all young adults under the age of 25 will contract an STD and not realize it.

Trichomoniasis. Treatable. Curable. Irrelevant. The fact this could be "fixed" meant nothing because she would still have to wait for the blood results to come back. What if she had HPV or AIDs? And if she didn't, could she enjoy sex the way she used to? Doubtful.

It was this mental breakdown that led to her soul tie to Elijah to tighten. Within a single shaken breath, Elijah was by her side. He learned to keep his distance and respect her personal space long ago. The two sat in silence until Irineva spoke up.

"I'm sorry to bother you."

"You're not bothering me, I'm your guardian, stupid. This is what I do."

Eva rolled her eyes. "Black leather jacket, black nail polish, rude attitude... You sure you're an angel?"

"Don't question my position, demon. I thought you were in danger." Elijah ran his nimble fingers through his recently dyed-pink hair. "But it looks like you're fine. So if you don't mind, Mariel's dying my hair for her art class so if I'm not there..."

Eva rolled her eyes again. "Shoo. Make the princess happy."

Elijah furrowed his brows slightly. "I have some time. What's going..." His grey eyes shifted to the pamphlet on the desk. "on... I'm so sorry."

Eva threw her pen on the desk, crossing her arms. She spinned around in her desk to face her only real friend left. "When will this end? Haven't I suffered enough? Even demons have their limits..."

"Right now," Elijah told her, balling his fists. "It ends right now," he said before turning into a figure of light, vanishing from the dingy dorm room.

[laillakat]

Bad Reputation Part Two

A gasp escape Irineva's lips as Kyle began to touch her. "Please no..." She closed her eyes, knowing it was better to submit to him again rather than get another black eye. This was just the way things went... And when she tried to escape, he photoshopped nudes that weren't even Irineva's body to the internet to make her pay.

She couldn't escape.

The demoness felt her body being touched in a vile manner, right on the sidewalk outside her favorite bar. To many passerbys, this was typical. Everyone thought she was fast and loose. No one is thinks a whore deserves consent...

"Hey," a familiar voice yelled. Irineva opened her eyes in shock as Mariel's brother— what's his name?— came to her rescue. She felt like shit not knowing the name of her savior. "She said no. Go home." The angel revealed his white wings with red tips, intimidating the other man. Without much of a fight, Kyle left, leaving the pair alone on the sidewalk.

Irineva felt her hands go numb, unable to speak.

"You okay?" He asked, holding his hand out for her. She nodded, taking his hand in her own.

"Can we go back to my place? I'm drunk and don't want to be alone..."

The two college students didn't speak for a while, allowing the sounds of the crickets to fill the silence.

"We got off on the wrong foot. My name is Elijah."

"Eva. Sorry you got warped into this. No one needs to suffer because I made a series of bad choices."

"I'm not going to ask you about the details and I don't comfort people. We got off on the wrong foot and I'm here to do my job."

"What is your job exactly?" Eva asked, adjusting her hoodie.

"To guard you," he huffed, clearly annoyed. "I'm a guardian, if you hadn't noticed."

"You're also rude," she spat back.

"Funny way to thank your angel, demon. What are you doing, going to a bar like that?"

Eva crossed her arms, feeling worse. "Just trying to forget... We were toxic. He raped me, I cheated, he hit me, I ran to the bar to drink. We would forgive and forget. But when I broke up with him, he photoshopped my body and no one believes me when I say that's not me..."

"Cross the street here," Elijah told her, still holding her hand. "I'm going to get you to your dorm. I won't stay because the last thing you need is a man in your room, but if you need me, I'll be awake."

The rest of the walk to Eva's dorm was a peaceful sort of silence. He's not exactly a man of many kind words... Or words in general, but he still saved me.

As the pair walked to the elevator to her dorm room, Elijah held onto Eva's waist, she noticed.

"So you're just like the rest, huh? You're touching me because you want some?"

Elijah gritted his teeth, doing his best to not remove his hand. "No, demon. You're going to fall if I move my hand. You're leaning left. Try to keep your balance by standing up straight."

She straightened out the best she could, still holding Elijah's hand. "Sorry to assume that about you. Men only touch me when they want sex."

"If your shit lover didn't treat you right, you need to find a real man. Sex demon or not, you deserve that much respect." Elijah opened the door to Eva's room.

When did we arrive? She wondered, stumbling to bed without brushing her fangs. Elijah rolled his eyes, adjusting Eva in bed properly and setting headache medicine and water on her bedside table.

"Good night," he whispered, touching her with warmth and light. Maybe a healing spell would ease the hangover.

[laillakat]

Bad Reputation Part One

This story revolves around revenge porn and a mental breakdown, inspired by victims of online abuse. Often times police and social media outlets do nothing to prevent this crime from occurring. Stay safe. Trigger Warning.

Irineva sobbed into her pillow, forgoing the homework she had piling up on her desk. Mariel was on her side of the dorm room, pretending to not notice her roommate's mental breakdown. Of course the perfect angel would leave Irineva to her emotions.

The red head succubus continued to cry, washing away her makeup. It wasn't until she felt the gentle glow of Mariel's white aura she started to calm down. "Are you going to yell at me again for being loud?" Irineva sniffled, wiping her nose on her shirt sleeve.

Mariel smiled, running her slim fingers through her golden locks. She had the beauty of a princess. "I suppose I could, but that wouldn't be productive, would it? Can I see your portal?"

"No," the stubborn hellion hissed. "It's over, no fixing it. The fact that you even heard of this just proves how far it's spread. You're never involved in drama so for you to know everything going... Everyone knows about it. My life is ruined."

Mariel rolled her eyes. "Revenge porn is a crime, you know that right? You can take this to—"

Irineva swatted Mariel away from her bed. Sitting up, the angel had to choke back a scream. The demoness had mascara and eyeliner running down her red skin, lipstick smudged to her chin. "Don't you think I know that? I tried to call the police and the campus police but they said it was a civil matter, nothing more. There was no true crime committed so they said they wouldn't do anything. I reported it online and they took it down but by that time it was too late."

Mariel sighed, receding to her side of their joint room. "No one said college life was easy... Have you closed the account?"

"Yes." Irineva began to pace the shoebox, feeling her heart pound, chest tighten. "My head feels fuzzy."

Mariel bit her lip, sending a message on her portable portal. "I can't stay for much longer. I have class... But I don't think you need to be alone right now. My brother will be here soon. If you feel suicidal, he can take you to a mental health facility. I don't trust you alone and I don't trust your.... friends."

Irineva balled her hands into tight fists, ready to scream. She wanted to pull all her hair out. Her skin felt dirty and now she couldn't even be alone to soak in her own misery. "I just wanna lay in bed and eat my cereal."

Mariel grabbed her purse, stopping at the door. "So do that, but my brother isn't leaving your side. He's a guardian angel." She flashed her perfect, glowing teeth once before going to her class.

Irineva rolled her eyes, not allowing an angel to command her around. Open spaces and fresh air is in order, she thought to herself. She slinked out of her skimpy dress in favor of sweatpants and a hoodie two times bigger than she was. Never in her life did Irineva think she'd be one for modesty but in light of recent events... It was comforting. She put her long hair into a messy ponytail before opening the door, bumping into someone.

"Out of my way, pesant" she hissed, gathering herself.

"Mariel never mentioned you being such a delight," a man with light blonde hair and red eyes scoffed. Tattoos littered his arms, fingernails painted black.

No way, Irineva was stunned. This was the brother of the high and mighty princess? He looked almost... dangerous. "Uh... Hey... I'm going out for a bit—"

"Awesome! Where are we going?"

"I'm going out, you're going to leave me alone." Irineva shoulder checked the angel, moving down the hall.

The demoness found herself at the bar twenty minutes from campus, taking back shots of tequila. Just a few days ago, the succubus would not mind all eyes being on her, the compliments would either roll off her shoulder or feed her ego. Just a few days ago, she would have considered taking a man or two home with her.

"No date tonight?" The bartender, Candice asked, fixing a long island iced tea. "Usually you come in with a man or woman and leave with someone new."

Candice was the only one Irineva ever allowed to bother her about her sex life. "Not tonight. Not for the foreseeable future."

Candice arched a perfectly manicured eyebrow. "Mmkay, hun. Stay safe."

Safe isn't exactly my style, she fumed internally.

Drink after drink Irineva felt her paranoia and worries wash away with the burn of alcohol. It warmed her whole body and in spite of everything, the young lady stripped her hoodie off, revealing the white tank top on underneath. At first she didn't notice, but there were sniggers behind her.

Turning her head, the young woman realized there was a group of college students a little older than her laughing in her direction. Clearly they got the message. The brunette with short hair looked her up and down, pointing a perfectly manicured pink nail in Irineva's direction.

Irineva rolled her eyes, not wanting to start a fight. She had no energy... Her thoughts began to spiral into a whirl of anxiety and depression, a side of herself she tried so hard to hide from everyone. I know what I need to do, she thought, picking up her tab. I'm not going to feel better until I do it. And who cares if I'm emotional now? I've been thinking about this on and off for months.

The demoness wabbled her way out of the bar, determined to shave her head. It was a symbolic gesture of purity and renewal. Like a phoenix burning and starting over, her hair would grow back and she would be a new person. The crisp air of the fall night helped bring Irineva to her senses slightly but she didn't realize she had someone following behind her.

"Eva!" The person— a man— behind her shouted. "Come back here, babe."

Irineva shut her eyes, trying her best to hold back the tears. She just couldn't escape the hell she'd created for herself. "Go away, Kyle. I broke up with you days ago."

A rough hand pulled her back and she hadn't felt this much anxiety since the day she was raped years ago.

"Let me walk you home. You need help and we can talk this out," he smiled. Kyle wrapped his hands through her long locks, pretending as if he hadn't ruined her life. "I'm sure we can come to an arrangement to fix this bad reputation of yours..."

[laillakat]

Once you become a certain age, it is your responsibility to unlearn behaviors that hinder your growth as a person.

[laillakat]

Blue lives matters is just another way for racist to be racist. Keep your blue lives matters to yourself.

Creator • @mattxiv

[laillakat]

Betrayal

Andromeda coughed, spitting the blood clots out of her lungs. Never in her 2,200 years of living had she had the displeasure of fighting with a demon. The life of a guardian angel was not an easy one, but it was the role she was meant to play. Andromeda knew that much in her heart, her purpose in life.

Picking up her sword of light, she staggered towards the enemy. "You cannot take her soul," Andromeda hissed. "She is a flower in God's garden."

The demon's light blue eyes lit up with humor. Fangs on either side of his face framed his crooked smirk as he laughed, lunging forward. "She will reap what she sowed... And so will you, doll."

Tears threatened the young angel's golden eyes. "You lied to me!" She swung her sword, fueled by rage and betrayal. "I thought you loved me... Asmo... Please..."

Asmodeus smirked again, moving his bangs to frame his face properly. Despite his main focus, which was to reap Elizabeth's soul, Asmodeus seemed to fight and look gorgeous effortlessly. "All's fair in love and war." With one final lunge forward with his poisonous dagger, Asmodeus stabbed Andromeda through the heart. "But for what it's worth, I did love you."

[laillakat]

Life Update

Wow... just... wow.

My mind is sick with word vomit, unsure of how to come out in a cohesive sentence. There’s been so much that’s changed in the past few days? Weeks? Everything blends together nowadays, it seems. Sometimes I feel like a good person and other days I feel... tainted. It’s hard to explain everything but I’m going to give it a try before work, though I may have to continue it later. I’ve gone through things that have really changed my life for both the better and for the unknown. Is it for the better or for the worse? That’s for fate to decide but I do know it’s been changed for good.

I’ve been working on my spiritual practice, premonitions growing stronger. I meditate when I’m sober and high, experiencing two different mindsets in each. Alone and sober, I am able to clear my mind and think of nothing. I call it my nothing box (very creative I know) and I’m able to just feel. Afterwards, I have a tendency to remember less than pleasant things from my past but slowly I will be able to accept those things about me. It’s a progress I’m working on even as I am calm at work. Sometimes it just takes a deep breath, other times I’ll need a glass of water. But as I meditate, I am safe. Meditating with weed is a different experience depending on who I am with. Alone, I can see things clearly and I am very honest with myself; I’ve starting loving who I am because of it. When I’m with KT, JT, Yuri, and Ryan... I can’t meditate high with them. It’s too funny and intense right now, but that’s my challenge from Yuri. As my mentor, she has full ability to tell me what to do and that’s my homework, so to speak. Meditate high around them... To be fair, I can meditate with Kuro, Priscilla, Erik, and Zoey, which is awesome too.

KT bought me a gift for having such a shitty week. It’s a mortal and pestal with three pentagrams on it for my practice. Firstly, I’ve never wanted her to buy me anything; accepting gifts makes me uncomfortable, but she does out of love. Coffees, gifts, hours of laughter, spending time with me, hell she even acts as a medic when I need her-- it’s a lot to process. She does so much for me and she never expects anything back from me except friendship. I love dying her hair, which I did a great job with and made her smile. She was wise and didn’t let me cut her bangs, doing it herself. Unwisely, we should have gone to a professional, but that’s besides the point. Social distancing, right? Doing her makeup and making TikTok videos make up who and what we are as friends. 

I have a date, too. A real date. I’ve hung out with people, had sex with others, but this is my third date. It’s made me realize a lot of things about myself that I really don’t like to admit but have to in order to move past this. I used to not approve of marriage, thinking men only wanted sex. In some cases, that’s true-- the men I’ve slept with are a cautionary tale of that; but there are some men and women who want more. Every person I’ve been with has taught me something to prepare for this relationship and I want to take that to heart this time around. Thomas taught me not everyone will put in the same amount of effort as you in a relationship. Leave them. They will drain you. Daniel taught me something I never expected... how to handle a toxic and arguably abusive relationship. We were so bad together but sometimes it hurts less to let go than to hold on. Lexi taught me what it meant to be loyal and never let someone sway your morals. I stood by her and she stood by me every time. It’s something of a tragic ending seeing as how the only reason we broke up was because I went to the mental institution. Hannah taught me that the most loving people may have extremely toxic qualities and sometimes even healthy relationships have to end so that we can work on ourselves.

Erik.

What will you teach me? Will you be the one? The one who changes my opinions on marriage? Lots of questions go through my mind daily about this. But in the end, you are moving to Colorado so maybe it’s for the best this stays short. Just make sure we can smoke some green as much as we can before you go. they’ll be memories I carry with me.

[laillakat]

Self Discovery 10

What do you love and hate about your life?

I could go on for hours about why I hate my life, why things are shitty, but it honestly depresses me a lot. My birth dad left me when I was young, maybe even before I was born. He wasn’t faithful to my mother and his first born child, my brother. Why would that change when I was born? It didn’t. He died and my mom told me what happened when we finally talked about him when I was in college, but I don’t remember the details. I don’t care. Does it make me a bad person to not care about my scummy birth dad? I’m more attached to my step-dad, who has been in my life since I was two. I missed him a lot when he lived in California and my mom and brother and I lived in the south (long distance relationship). He introduced me to Hello Kitty, dancing to Tale as Old as Time with me, helping me with homework... he did so much for me. But he was also abusive. Slapping, punching, hair pulling, and hours of mental abuse. My mom let it happen and my brother eventually picked up on those same habits, doing the same. My mom let it happen. Any time I tried to talk about it to therapists and other professionals, CPS would be called, thus beginning the cycle of abuse to get worse and peak. Why would I tell anyone about that? Did I want to get taken away? Be like “A Child Called It?” When I got my period, my dad would yell at me saying, “you’re a woman now; you have a period. Grow up,” any time I did anything wrong. I wasn’t even a bad kid. I never prayed the way they wanted me to, did my chores perfectly, but I never left the house at night, did anything bad. I was a nerd who, if left alone, would not cause any trouble.

I could go on because the physical abuse went on from the time I was in the fourth grade until the summer before high school but you get the point. In high school, my parents sheltered me so much to the point they became hyper-paranoid. While they accused me of being a slut for having a boyfriend and made me write a paper contract to not kiss or hug my boyfriend, had to keep a gpa of 3.0, continue archery (which I didn’t even enjoy to begin with), and so on. I was only allowed to hold his hand. Meanwhile my brother’s Instagram had pictures of his girlfriend giving him hickies... 

There is more to this, of course, but that’s all I am able to talk about right now. It’s very painful. At the age of 20 I was in an abusive relationship, homeless and shaved my head, moving to Vegas. There, I had a mental breakdown and tried to overdose on my bipolar and antidepressant meds. 

That’s the SparkNotes version of why I hate my life.

But my life is also very beautiful. It’s been almost a year since I tried to commit suicide and I am not on meds-- they didn’t help me and I don’t want them-- but I am in therapy. I am following my Wiccan path, making cosplays and tiktoks with my best friends. They are beautiful and loving people who have enhanced my life ten fold. In Vegas, I met my soulmate-best-friend. Soulmates are not always romantic and Sarah is my other half. KT is my guardian angel, Yuri is my mentor. JT is the brother I always wish I had, Ryan is my father figure. I am blessed to have them in my life. We go on juice runs because who else would want to get apple juice with me at two in the morning? Who else would accept me as nonbinary and pansexual? And I’m a nerd who can just be myself. I can get my piercings with KT at any time of day. Yuri calls me out on my bullshit and helps me grow... I am on a sucky road to recovery, but I have my own apartment, I’m sober, and making things better for myself and I am finding my own version of happiness.

[laillakat]

World

She did the simplest thing in the world. She kissed him. She kissed him and the world cracked open. Late nights with friends, parties, and riding bikes to the park. Ema didn’t believe in true love, but in that moment it was undeniable. Her red hair was straight, flowing in the wind as she jetted down a zipline, unafraid. Luke had changed her life, teaching her how to truly live instead of surviving. Life was a dull, frustrating, and grey. 

Ema sat at lunch, listening to her friends gossip, talking about things Ema didn’t understand-- soulmates, suddenly seeing color... What were shades of color? Gradients? What on earth did Reagan mean when she said she wore a pink dress? 

“What does red look like?” She asked, dipping her french fry into what she assumed was a blob of sauce.

“It’s the color of your ketchup,” Reagan smiled, patting Ema’s hand. Usually Ema would have found this patronizing, but Reagan was like a mom and a best friend rolled into one. “It’s dark like that but it’s a very rich color. You’ll see it one day.”

Ema walked through the halls after lunch, reading the posters that lined the walls. The overly positive cliches only served to further irritate Ema. All her friends had found their soulmate so where the hell was her partner in crime?

The answer was India. Her soulmate was in India and Ema didn’t meet him until she had long since given up on ever seeing in color, meeting him, starting a life together. She’d gone far on her own and accepted that she didn’t need a man in her life. 

“You mother fucker!” She hissed, taking long strides to her coworker. She was on a volunteer mission when she had a migraine so intense she almost passed out. Everything was... colorful. And she saw William, front and center. It could only mean one thing. “You made me wait this long to find you? I’m the only thirty-five year old who still doesn’t know what color is called which name.” Ema picked up a pink rose. “Do I call this orange or blue? Is it black? Hell if I know!”

William rolled his eyes. “If you’re my soulmate...”

It was screaming match after screaming match, yet with every glance they fell more and more in love.

And it’s only the beginning of our story, Ema smiled.

[laillakat]

Self Discovery 8

What do you want people to say about you behind your back?

I have thought about this for several days but I have been stuck. I’ve only ever had people tease me and bully me to varying degrees. Nowadays, the people from my past consider me a slut but the reality is I’m not. I laugh and make jokes about being a hoe but the reality is, I’m the farthest thing from a slut. Making jokes helps me cope with the nasty things people say. I am better than what people said about me in the past and I wish I could be known for who I am now. I practice white magic, love learning new things, go on adventures with friends, and went from being homeless to being in a great apartment with wonderful roommates. I am funny, compassionate, and a fighter. But I’m also a brutally honest person who doesn’t try to hurt the feelings of others, but I never sugarcoat things. I will fight back and talk back if I feel the need to stand by those who I feel the need to defend. Sometimes I find myself in trouble doing that, but I don’t regret standing up for what I believe in. I want people to talk about me in a way that is accurate. Everyone has their own take on things, a different perspective. My ex-girlfriend probably sees me as an evil hag. My mother probably sees me as a lost soul. My friends see me as a girl on the path for growth and getting better at figuring out life. They are the sweetest people on this earth. 

I think after so many years of hearing people talk about you in a way that is inaccurate, it makes you desensitized to the nastiness people think of you. We grow and change but the opinions of others don’t grow and change with you. Why should I care? But if anything, I’d like what people say about me to be accurate.

[laillakat]

Self Discovery 7

There are 2 things in this world that make me feel safe, secure, and satisfied. I enjoy walking into my neighbors’ apartment, instantly met with the smell of weed. I smoke with JT on occasion, help KT with her cosplays or work on my own, or I’ll work on my Wiccan training with Yuri. I feel safest when I am with these people as they are my family now. My blood family does not love who I am, the true me. Being around people who support me for the way I look, the way I talk, means everything to me. Without them I would be completely alone and my depression would worsen quickly. When I lived in Vegas, with no friends, family, light, or love, I tried to overdose on pills and was almost successful. I finally found my tribe of nerds and weirdos that accept me for every flaw I have and help me grow as an individual. The second thing that makes me happy is writing... enough said. Sometimes I’ll insert my friends into my stories or write them into existing characters.

[laillakat]

Self Discovery 6

List the things you are good at.

Writing

Drawing

Singing

Advice to my friends

Supporting the ones I love

Making people laugh

Being honest with everyone

Taking care of animals

Being a loving woman

Being a makeup artist

[laillakat]

Self Discovery 5

What does the perfect day look like to you?

The sun shines through my window curtains, waking me from my sleep as I take a hot shower and do my skincare routine. I imagine my life with a nice cup of coffee, as I open my laptop to catch up on the news and work on my writing. I would spend the day relaxing until working at night as a college professor. On my days off, I would be with my life partner, either wasting the day away or going on an adventure. Let’s go on road trips to Universal Studio and the Harry Potter Kingdom, Disney World... Let’s go to a local bookstore and make silly tiktok videos, or practicing my Wiccan rituals. A perfect day to me would be with friends and family to have fun and enjoy my life to the fullest.

[laillakat]

Self Discovery 4

What would you do with three extra hours of the day?

Three hours wouldn’t change much. I suppose if they were tacked on at the end of the day/early morning I would sleep in. I don’t sleep a lot-- usually 4 hours maximum-- because I walk home from work every night and that take about 4 hours each shift so by the time I get home, it’s about 2am. I sleep until I have to wake up to write, clean my home/room, budget for the rent, research Wicca and meditate to the gods and goddesses, then go to work. It’s a never ending cycle. If the hours were tacked on in the middle of the day, I’d work longer so that I can have a better paycheck and be slightly more relaxed. I can’t wait until I go back to college and get a better job that pays well. Once I’m financially secure, I can move onto the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to self-actualize. You can be in multiple sections at once, but I practically drool thinking of the days when I’m financially able to pay rent, bills, and have food. 3 hours would give me 30$ worth of working. As I write this, I think I’ll request more hours...

[laillakat]

Self Discovery 4

What makes you lose track of time?

As someone with ADHD and bipolar it’s hard to really keep track of time; either I’m genuinely distracted, hyper-focused, or I’m in a negative mood to the point I lose track of everything. It’s not ideal but I am trying to work on that. In fact, I haven’t had a bipolar episode since cutting my parents out of my life and stopped talking to my ex. I hardly cry anymore too... It’s been months since I genuinely cried from sadness. But those are things that will make me lose track of time nonetheless. 

A positive factor to make me lose time is writing. Sometimes I’ll write multiple stories in a row, spending hours on my laptop. Writing is an addiction to which there is no cure. If writing was the way to evade death, I’d be immortal because a day without writing irks my soul. With two cups of tea after a long day at work, I come home at 2am and let my soul wonder to places I never knew possible.

[laillakat]

Self Discovery Challenge 3

I don’t like this question, mostly because it exposes a nastier side of me. I can’t control the way I feel and in some ways I feel extremely justified in my anger. But here we go. “Who do you envy and why?”

I envy a lot of people sadly. I’m starting to come to the realization that just because these people have done unique things that have been on my bucket list for years does not mean it won’t happen to me nor does it mean that I won’t have my own unique adventures.

Hm. Adventures. That’s the word to describe my soul; I’m always looking for my next groundbreaking, memory-making, life changing adventure. Big or small, I love adventures.

But back to the talk of envy. My family. They have everything that I want. My brother is in the military, my mother a nurse who travels internationally for her job, recently promoted, and my father, who spent years struggling to get his degree, is finally working in his field.

I’ve loved anime ever since I was little and that is something I love to this day. And around middle school I began to learn more about Japanese history and culture; I knew it was my destiny to travel to Japan one day. Both my sisters-in-law, their mother, and my own visited my brother who was stationed in Japan, witnessing my brother’s proposal in person under cherry blossoms. I was never factored in once in the equation to go. I feel envious they had that adventure and I didn’t... I also feel pain from being left out from my family’s life like that. They didn’t want me at the wedding as well. I’m envious how they are the perfect, respected family with their sensible hair, conservative dress, and respectable careers. I’m the college drop-out (going back to school in the fall) who wants to be a writer and a makeup artist. I’m going to go to school to be a medical assistant until writing takes off, doing makeup art on the side. My piercings (namely my septum) bother my mom, my hair dyed red, short, partially shaved... I don’t fit in. I’m envious of the love and happiness my family has without me. 

[laillakat]

Self Discovery Challenge 2

I want to be better in a lot of ways. I know I am only twenty-two and very few people my age have their lives together but I feel as though I have been lacking in many ways compared to the people around me. Maturity is either there completely or it is not there at all; I’m not consistently acting my age. I want to, but what’s the point in living if you aren’t living life to the fullest each day, just acting your age? I’m not sure, but at a certain point I wish I was more level-headed. I want to be more confident, too. With my looks, I am slowly becoming more confident with the way I am but I am still insecure about singing, dancing, writing, and my other hobbies because my parents didn’t do much to support that aspect of my life. They’d invade my privacy, read my writing, judge my music-- the list is endless-- to the point I hide all those things away and now that I’m free, I can finally be the person I want to be but first I have to get better at my works then I would feel more confident.

Right?

But what if I’m wrong and I’m never truly happy? That’s something only the future would hold answers to. As a blood fae, my mentor who is a blood witch, gave me a tarot reading and this situation with my confidence will be a big challenge in my growth.

I want to better myself to be an overall better person. I talk to my friends frequently about toxic qualities and these friends tell me that I don’t have many toxic qualities, except that I can be a bitch (but only when I want to be, they added quickly). And while that may be true, a year ago today I was a very toxic person who would lie, cry, have mental breakdowns... granted, these were signs that I was on the downward slope to my suicide attempt. When you are that deep in the spiral, nothing makes sense anymore. For a year I felt as though there was a black sheet on my body, constricting me. I was not happy with myself, my family issues, my struggle with being homeless, an abusive relationship, and eventually I shaved my head and moved to Vegas. It was there I tried overdosing and ended up in a mental institution. 

They did not do shit when I was there. All I did in that time was use coloring sheets and argue with this woman who triggered my bipolar in a way I’d never felt before. It was intense so I tried my best to stay to myself. They had books and I reread Percy Jackson, a book that has a piece of my soul in it the entire two weeks I was there.

But then I was released and I moved back home in the south. I tried bettering myself by being religious and that didn’t work until recently when I embraced my birthright as a fae in Paganism. But where do I go from here? After rehab I had a mental switch (which I think I did myself as rehab was more or less a holding cell with no benefit to me personally but did help several others-- there is never any shame in rehab or seeking help from a professional). The switch I made stopped me from crying, feeling emotions is different, and I am far less emotional than I have been my entire life. Is this who the real me is?

Who am I? 

That’s what I hope to find out in this spiritual journey since my break up.