l0zer-whowritespoems

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

I was feeling nostalgic

before the shutter clicked.

We would miss this, 

I knew. 

Hidden away in the trees and moss

trying to forget everything that wasn’t green.

Five people in a cabin 

built for two.

Sharing stories

and cracking jokes

but no one

getting hurt.

Realizing 

that I would be happy

with these people 

knowing every part of me.

When we were younger 

the beauty of these moments

would be lost on us.

But now we’re grown up 

and each of us are dreading

to go back to work.

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

i recently read this book. it is one of the best books i've ever read.

Carmen Maria Machado, In the Dream House

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

Pixie dust sparkling 

Slowed down breaths

No more dark depths

Realized there’s not a song I could send,

not a song I could write

but I’m gonna try and get it right

Late night car rides

City lights flashing by

Radio through the stereo setting the vibe

Excited yells towards one another

Perfect understanding harmony

Celebrating the rare differences 

Teaching through separate experiences

Born a day after the other

We we clearly meant to thrive together

Fifteen years apart

and yet it seems we share one heart

One bump on the string

and we both go tumbling

and we both fall down 

because we are bound

but I know, given the choice 

We wouldn’t cut the tie

between you and I

I want you to know

I would cut my throat

Straight to the bone 

Just to know

I’d never

lose

you

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

Dear judge

You never met me in court

although you sentenced me

to ten years in prison

and a lifetime of resentment

I’d done nothing wrong

I was a child

Too young and too scared to speak up

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

your hands taint everything you touch

including me

Now I have to carry this shit til I die I

can never get that hairstyle

can’t ever do things the way you told me

even if it’s the easiest

I have the curse of never being able to forget your words

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

It’s crazy how an apology could make me so angry 

It’s clear you were calling me lazy

Walked into my pine box you built

and told me you were sorry for my actions

How the fuck does that work?

Is my pale pallor hard on your eyes?

You claimed you did me an injustice

Somehow this all seems backwards

Said you shoulda brought me outta my coffin more often

Well I didn’t wanna leave

So how ‘bout you apologize

for the world you contoured outside

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

Discount Clothes

I wear my discount clothes around you

Cause your tongue can’t taste taste buds can’t take

my high fashioned ways

Now I ask you, high fashion or the ugly truths

Well the truth is I am who I am

And you’re not changing that

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

Carbon monoxide in this car

So fucking hot

I can’t breathe

Sweaty palms soak through my jeans

I hear your whispers through my headphone noise

empty promises and thought out ploys

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

TW hate crime ment

i will never forget the time you said the flamboyant figure skater commentator deserved to be shot.

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

TW sui ment

i can’t think

because if i think then it will get worse

i just suddenly started feeling bad

i don’t want to do anything

i want to lie down 

but i can’t go to sleep

so then i’d get bored

i want to go outside

and run until i taste blood 

i want to lie down in the field and listen

i want to find a way onto the roof and look at the stars

i want to punch the pavement until my knuckles bleed

i want to go somewhere alone 

but im here alone

and im chained

to my bed

all i can do is write 

this shitty way to convey 

(not well)

the way that i feel

or don’t feel

i want to have long and meaningful conversations 

in the dark

with someone who understands 

i want to cry

in the dark 

with someone who understands 

i want to bash my head into the wall

i want 

i don’t. fucking. know. what i want. 

i don’t feel alive

what the fuck is wrong with me? 

i feel like i don’t feel that bad but at the sane time time i want to rip my skin off. 

FUCK 

what happens when im up there and i can’t just last minute be with someone?

i will really be chained

what if i want to kill myself again

i know i won’t but 

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

im waiting for my hope to die

recently my hope was shattered. 

you gave me the straw. 

that broke my back.

the straw has built up over the 18 years that i’ve been alive. 

the 18 years that you’ve been… somewhere.

the thing is i hate being hopeless.

but somehow i think it will hurt less to be hopeless and accept you, 

than keep hoping that you will be my dad.

im tired of wasting my effort on you.

im tired of seeing your lack of effort.

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

i’ve made my departure

partly.

it’s still “up in the air” about whether or not i’ll come over

but we both know

it’s not happening

i thought i might feel relief “cutting the ribbon”

i did have some relief. but most of it was acceptance.

and that acceptance went hand in hand with sadness

because i have (mostly) accepted

you.

accepted how you’re never going to be vulnerable with me

accepted how you will never truly listen

accepted how you will always defend her

accepted how i can’t ever just. be. enough. 

you will always want more.

and i can’t be more.

i can’t be more of something i’m not.

i know you’ve had your suspicions. and you’re right. 

i don’t think you know just how right you are.

i am virtually everything you stand against.

yes.

me.

your flesh and blood. 

your offspring.

the person you “raised”. 

but

i

still

love

you.

will you still love me?

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

pain demands to be felt

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

i think i either need to feel pain or great happiness to feel anything

because now i’m alone

and I’m bored

got tired of my distractions

and now I’m numb

and crave feeling alive

but I’m too fucking lazy to do anything about it except write this stupid shit

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

I’m depressed again

what is even going on?

i just turned 18

i should be so happy

i Was so happy

now all my friends are gone

all my family is gone

except my dog

she’s laying here on the floor in my room

got this fancy computer and i don’t even know what to do with it

got tired of watching netflix

got tired of watching tiktok

got tired of going on social media

got tired of listening to music

got tired of playing on my switch

got tired of listening to podcasts

got tired of eating

got tired of drinking

i got a new piercing

i love it

but im bored again

I’m getting a tattoo on monday

and i see a band in two weeks

so where’s the excitement

now my dog’s walking out

now she’s walking back in

must’ve realized im the only one here

my friend got my bday mixed up

and the thing is i feel bad for feeling bad because i have no reason to feel bad!

I’m just some middle class whiny bitch

no one should have pity for me

i shouldn’t have pity for myself

why am i feeling so bad?

i miss mom

i want to cry

i miss dad, surprisingly

i feel bad for leaving him

although i haven’t really left him

i just need.

i need a father figure to wrap me in his warm embrace and tell me everything is going to be okay

but i’ll never get that

shelby’s walking out again

she must be bored too

i want to throw up and cry but then i’d call myself dramatic

i want to feel something

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

last fake fathers day card

not the last fake fathers day

i know i’ll have to call

but no more cards

paper filled with lies

with love, you’re the best, you’re always there for me

lies

i wish i could say “happy fathers day” to the people who actually mattered.

the people who i wished could replace you

i still wish they could replace you. 

you just take up too much space in my heart

i know this seems cold because it feels cold even to me. 

because as nice as i think it would be, i would miss you for some reason

but i would really only miss the good parts of you. which weren’t much.

when i got off the phone with you yesterday i wanted to cry. i felt relief. and sadness Because i had felt relief. i shouldn’t have to be worried. 

i was worried you would want me to stay. 

you didn’t even ask what my plans were. 

i was dreading the topic being brought up but i knew i had to be the bringer.

who knows what would’ve happened if i didn’t. because the pressure was there. 

i feel i’m complaining too much. everyone has to pay their dues to this day. 

[l0zer-whowritespoems]

tears are moving down my face in slow motion 

move

move

move

fucking move!!!!

why do i feel like this.