l0veth3sil3nt

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Silence speaks.

I’m too aggressive I’m too mean If only you knew the things I hold deep in my spleen. If only you knew ew what I could have said to you. What would you do? What would you say? Probably not a damn thing anyways. Because that’s what you’re good at, not saying a word. Not to me, not to anyone when it comes to your words. Not to the racist coworkers who are so comfy w you around. Not to the…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

The Second Choice

I never thought I’d be the second choice. & what makes it worse is it’s not to a child or a person at all. It’s to video games, a whatever selfish wants & inconsiderate choices he has. It’s infuriating. & it just makes me feel even less than I already feel. Fueling the abyss on my brain, the demon who speaks to me as if I’m an imposter in my own body. Telling me this life of “luxury” is just a…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Illusions

Work has created a depression in me I wasn’t ready for. I don’t wanna sleep. I don’t wanna eat. I don’t wanna be away from my child. Time seems so short now. It’s as tho I’m allowing something important be torn away from me. Every inch of my skin crawls at the thought that he’s getting used to being away from me. That one day he just won’t need me, because all he’ll remember were the days I was…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Met in Energy

I haven’t been okay. & think that goes well past just the struggle of being a new mom. The closer I get to going back to work, the more I realize the actual fear I have being away from my child. I almost died. I was ready to hold him in my arms. I was ready to pull him into this world. But my body couldn’t handle it. & that odd settling into my mind. Steadily more & more everyday I realize. I…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Mentality of Pregnancy

This is starting to get mentally exhausting. The way I question myself is deteriorating the way I think daily. Although people tell me what I feel is valid the demons inside try to tell me I’m overreacting. You worked on less sleep. You’ve worked in more pains you’ve done this work for years. All your worries are in vain. No one cares if you can’t do the work, you must suffer cuz this is your…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

The False Hero

This is something I’m sure those who’ve read my poetry have heard before but it’s waring in my brain, so speak upon it again I must once more. My father is always an open wound. Something easily ripped open under a starlit moon. The emotions always come swarming like a moon. The mask you hold was strong but untrue. Yet it pains me in ways that only a survivor could consume. Most people don’t see…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Shedding Tears

I stand in the rain. Wondering what it’s like, to have the sensation of something to wash away the pain. What it’s like to have a rover of emotion flood over you & break down your walls. That’s something I’ve never felt. Not once. Not at all. You see ever since I was young I was never a child of my own. I was the star child, the over achieving daughter & the sister who was their mother. I was…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Revisiting the Catacombs

Late night thinking. No one speaking. My heart is creaking. What is this rhythm seeking. My nerves are aching. My skin is crawling. Why do I feel like every inch of me is falling. Falling into space. Falling w no pace. Falling onto thin sheets like lace. What is this place. Have I reached my catacombs again. Where the bones of my past speak. What is it they are whispering deep inside of me. The…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Why is it. That when I say something bothers me it’s met w a “well I didn’t know” or a “I didn’t mean it like that” or “I didn’t say it that way.” Why is it that when I express that something bothers me it’s always met w a flat okay. & they just go about their day. No explanation. No how can I do better. No what ways can I react better. Just okay. Why is it that the things that make me happy…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

I only see you

When the waves crash along the sand at sunset, it’s you I see crashing into my arms & embracing me w your lips like sweet serenity on red & pink stricken sky. When the grass smells sweet against the rain, it’s you I see holding me as the tears fall helplessly against your earthy cologne stricken shoulders When the sky is filled w stars the the quietly still, it’s you I see w your eyes filled w…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

My depression is eating at me. I just don’t know what to do Idk how to be motivated W this type of world view How am I supposed to stay sane When everything is overdue The bills keep on piling up All I see is red sign saying I need to pay soon I’m drowning & it seems like every out reached hand is just a high five to my pain There’s no longer rain Just cloudy eyes that match the cloudy…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Sane insanity

Idk what to do anymore. Idk what to feel. Sometimes I feel like I’m healing but most times it feels unreal. I feel like I’m falling apart, like a cookie breaking away at the grasps of greedy hands. A treat in high demand. My brain feels like it’s on high alert. Ready to spring at every sound. I can’t stand the darkness. Idk what’s lurking around. What’s watching me in the silence. What’s hearing…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Morning Tea

Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to be stuck like this forever. I wonder if I’m going to constantly be at war in my mind. Will I ever feel sane inside. Will I always be on edge. Will every touch become a portal to a memory etched into the sands of my soul. Will every tear find its way to making my eyes their home. Will I ever feel the salty real ease of something as precious as tears. Will I ever…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Falling

I feel like I’m falling deeper into despair. I can feel it w every hair. Food looks disgusting but I can feel the pain in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of bones breaking against the need of nourishment. Nothing feels right on my tongue. Nothing makes me feel at one. I can feel the darkness creeping on me. Where will end up this time. Where will my demons take me. Because they protect me.…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Dear Dad,

So much of me was so much of you. & the most painful part has been over due. I’m thru w being you. I crave to be me. So I’ll rip apart the seams & tear out all the part of you that you sewed into me. Unblinded & clean. You no longer control me. You no longer hold the sewing needle. I’m no longer your doll. You can’t control what I’m meant to be. You can’t control me at all. As I grow older, I…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Ocean

A lot of the time I feel like I’m drifting in a vast ocean. Not swimming. Not drowning. Not struggling against the waves. Just drifting atop the water. Letting the water kiss my cheeks as the waves crash over me. Showering me w emotions I have spent years ignoring. Emotions that I’ve hid from. Emotions that I lied about & said didn’t exist. Sometimes I catch myself drifting & I don’t know how…

[l0veth3sil3nt]

Silenced

It’s always around this time of the year. When the rain is falling. The clouds are thick. The wind is loud & my thoughts are even louder. It’s always around this time of the year. When I need people the most & they decide that my changed behavior is a red flag for false personality & not one for depression. Sometimes I wonder if people really know me. Or if they only know the presence of my…