kpopenamelpins-blog

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Another pin maker having pre orders! Her name is ahrenbee and she has also nice pins that need their slots filled :D Her Instagram is @ahrenbee and her shop is the link below uwu

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Amazing preorders from Sunkeikipins! They are a duo of amazing women and have pins in their shop already available! Their quality in pins and stickers are amazing and just recently released a Hoseok Keychain! I recommend following them on Instagram as well!

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Lovely preorders available at Manderlai on Etsy (Follow her at Instagram too! She’s a delight!) that apparently end in 2 days! 😖

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This very sweet pinmaker still have slots open and her pre soft closing for the pins will be May 1st! If you want a good quality pin, I recommend looking up thehappipeach on INSTAGRAM.

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K-Pop Discord

If anyone wants to join an active respectful discord group for k-pop, go ahead and come on in!

Or if the link doesn’t work, add Dr. Shibs #5222

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THIS BAG IS AMAZING! IT NEEDS MORE STARLIGHT LOVE

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The video seems to be unavailable but will do the email/spread the word around!

so if you guys haven’t heard some youtuber snuck into the O2 arena during bts’s rehearsal and actually succeeded. not only is this 100% illegal but it’s also a huge invasion of the boys privacy and incredibly dangerous for the boys safety. imagine if he wasn’t some youtuber doing a challenge. also this video might give others some ideas and the boys safety is always first priority so:

here is the video. please report it to youtube and please email protect@bighitcorp.com to inform bighit that this happened. they need to take legal action against the youtuber while also increasing security cause this kind of shit should never happen again.

^what to write when emailing bighit.

reblog so people know!!! email bighit!!! report this!!! this is unacceptable!!!

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Sorry for your loss Jin

It sucks to have to hear it but I’m sure Emouk isn’t suffering anymore :(

I hope people that go to the concert for LA give Jin all the love and support

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Mental Day: 7

I’m scared. I woke up with my allergies at a rise and I feel like choking so I’m waiting for my pills to kick in. I’m sure it will soon, but also my fiancé decided to talk to a friend in our group about what even happened yesterday. He really doesn’t like it when I’m treated like that (and he also hates the guy who did it), but can you blame him? Let me give some back story because I feel like it’s important. Me and a friend (we’ll call him F) were playing monster hunter together and we were grinding materials to upgrade our weapons, later on another friend comes on discord (we’ll call him H) and wanted to play with us. The problem is, H is way too low of a level to join me and F so we decided to make new characters. Personally I didn’t like my second one all that much because I was forced into a ranged weapon and I feel like all the hard work I put in my first character is something I didn’t want to just leave alone when I could just be grinding more materials. We tried to somewhat progress forward for H and then another friend comes on (we’ll call him W). Now H and W live together so I’m sure W saw us playing and wanted to join.

SOME CONTEXT: W actually has a crush on me regardless of me being engaged to a wonderful man... W is the one my fiancé does not like as much. But don’t worry, he trusts me.

Anyways, we all 4 decided to play (even though I was already hitting the line of boredom) and 3 missions in, I decided to tell them, “Continue on without, I’m getting bored and I want to do something else”. Call it mean but I like to be honest. F already knew I meant that I don’t like my second character and I wasn’t having fun. F is a very understanding person. H understood sort of but kind of threw an attitude, while W (oh boy) tried to ask “Why?” and “Are you bored of playing with us?”. In what universe did my sentence mean that I don’t want to play with you guys? I was confused and told W that “No, I literally meant that I’m bored so I’m going to do something else”. You see, W didn’t like that (of course). W instead begins demanding for a real reason and starts trying to make me feel bad for leaving (queue that manipulation card). I didn’t know what to do in this situation besides laugh nervously and tell W that if he “wants to believe that then that’s fine but I meant what I said” and left because I started getting flashbacks of my past friends who’ve pulled those cards on me and made me not trust people even more. I’m an honest person, F and H knows that whatever I say is truthful, but W doesn’t. We have other friends in our group but they weren’t on sadly. My fiancé joined the discord last minute towards the end and was confused. We decided to cook together and talk about what even happened and long story short, he’s going to talk with F and see if there was any hurt feelings between anyone else. Out of our friend group, we trust F the most. Maybe it’s because F’s girlfriend is super nice too.

MORE CONTEXT: Our group contains 7 people (6 guys and I’m the only female that is on discord). Everyone has a significant other besides H and W. Everyone knows how to handle social situations besides W. Everyone knows how to hold a conversation besides H and W.

I really hate W now. I might hate H too if he chooses to defend W’s actions.

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Mental Day: 6

Therapy was fucking hard. We’re starting to scratch the surface of the trauma with my sister. Talk about the hardest hour session ever. We had to take small breaks because it became too much at times. I’m exhausted, emotional, and hungry. Ugh. Maybe I’ll eat and play some games, take some self care in motion.

Friends fucking suck. Talking and trying to connect with more human beings suck. I already achieved a hard achievement and that is having a significant other by age 30. Boom, he’s my best friend and my lover, I’m good. I refuse to get hurt from “friends” again. I ultimately refuse to get manipulated to feeling guilty on something silly as leaving to do something else. Fuck them. I’ll cry my irritation away.

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Mental Day: 4&5

Wow I had a very rough day that’s been continuous. I had a manic episode which resulted in me being later on upset and crying in the dark to me passing out early in the day and waking up with a sore body the next day. I barely ate and I just live in a constant puddle of guilt and hate. My fiancé really is my rock, he’s so patient and I’m sorry to bring you through this. He tried to get my mind busy with tasks since school starts late September but holy fuck is it hard. He tried to understand how to use ita bags and how to make inserts for it. I spent a good couple hours teaching him about the basics and how to take care of it but even though my mind got off my mess of events, it still troubles me that I even went through it. Thank you for being my rock and again I’m sorry to bring you through this. Luckily I see my therapist every week so we are slowly getting better. One step at a time.

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Mental Day: 3

Today I feel like was a better day. I had an appetite and not only that but I got to listen to the new BTS album. Good start of the morning! During the day, my fiancé decided to make some chili for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s lunch. It wasn’t spicy this time so I actually got to eat it. 🤤 I got bored in the middle of the day and decided to clean the room, I don’t know what happened but I happen to go through an episode where I feel disconnected from myself and I end up panicking, it only lasted 5 minutes so it wasn’t long but I felt so exhausted because of it that I took a nap till dinner time. I ate a small amount cause I wasn’t feeling hungry but I definitely felt like I made good progress today! Today was definitely a good day.

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Mental Day: 2

Today was not a good day. I felt like not getting up and do nothing all day. Almost became that if not having to throw up from yesterday’s dinner. I don’t know why but being ill doesn’t make me want to lie down, I feel like it’ll get worse so I tend to get busy. Decided to try and grind some materials for parts of my armor in MHW. I didn’t want to talk to friends so I didn’t even bother going on discord. It was definitely a “everyone hates me” day. My fiancé tried to tell me that they have no reason to hate me because I didn’t even do anything but... I don’t know. Lunch was spent poorly, I didn’t want to eat so we argued a bit and he tried compromising with me. It boiled down to a lunchable (with some heavily monitoring on the side). 4 hours later, he wanted to bring me to Michael’s because he wanted to treat me to supplies (and because I need to make an insert for my ita bag). After buying the needed supplies, he went to In-N-Out and I felt tricked but I understood the reason. He got me a burger the way I like it (bunless with sauce on the side) and it took me a good while to try and eat but after I took a bite, we watched One Piece and called it a day except I tried to purge at night. I succeeded but I felt fucking horrible. I hate myself that I did this but for some reason I couldn’t stop the habit. I hope I don’t disappoint you on a daily bases. Please know I’m trying every day to better myself.

I’m sure you do but it still scares me how I went one step back instead of forward.

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Mental Day: 1

Today was rough. It was my first time trying to sleep with melatonin in my system and my body felt relaxed but for some reason I was fighting it to not sleep. I usually stay awake till 3:30am to make sure no one is going to try and rob me again (a rough story). I went to bed at 2am though and woke up at 5am, I felt energetic and decided to treat myself to protein ice cream because taking something to help me sleep is such a big step. I decided to spend the day indoors but I had to drop off my friend’s birthday gift. My fiancé picked up some Popeyes and watched the new One Piece episode, then we spent the rest of the day playing games. Him on his WoW account while I’m on MHW grinding materials for my weapon upgrades. It felt nice but I still felt down. Not sure what, but I noticed I didn’t smile today. He reminded me that it’s almost my birthday and asked what I wanted because he knows I’ll forget later. I told him that I really wanted the black BT21 converse shoes because I only wear that brand and flip flops. He said he’ll try but I don’t have my hopes up, it’s most likely either expensive or sold out. I don’t feel like I deserve it anyways, I never liked celebrating or receiving gifts on my birthday so it’s always hard every year to try and accept it. I don’t feel like I earned the gifts or even celebrate. Its just a normal day right? It’s already 10pm and I felt like I did nothing. Because my school is on the quarterly system, my classes start late September so I feel lost in time. Maybe I’ll clean up the room again or do laundry early. I could possibly read a good book or see if any of the writers I follow on AO3 has updated anything. I should probably go to sleep now, so far today seemed mild. Thank god :)

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Who Am I? Summarization.

I’m a girl who has been through not the worst of the worst in her past, but enough to give me trauma. I don’t like physical affection, hell I can’t even handle complements. I have major depression, social anxiety, paranoia, PTSD (which results in panic attacks when certain things trigger), and bipolar disorder.

I was suicidal and tried to make attempts 3 times when I was young, I used to cut to feel something besides being sad or numb. I thought I was doing better since it was so long ago, but this year I tried to cut myself this year and I spiraled into this dark void of nothingness. I heard the voices of those I hated, tell me how much of a piece of shit I was and how I was considered nothing. Luckily for me, my fiancé saw me while he was walking back from class and helped me. I know I’ve taken long to trust him but I’m glad I said yes.

My family consists of a father who is too sweet for this world and truly the only one who really accepted me. He accepted me when I came out to him that I liked boys and girls even though that was against their religion. Unfortunately, he moved to Florida a year before I moved out because it was getting too much for him and I understood his position. We still talk on the daily and he visits me yearly. When I went through my episodes after my mom belittled me with words or hit me (or pull my hair but I consider that a ‘good day’), he would understand. He was in this toxic relationship with my mom where she was abusive to the both of us. Me and her are on okay terms now but I can mostly remember her angry face, the constant words “stupid” “idiot” “I hate you” float around my mind. My mom believed I didn’t have mental problems or that I wasn’t Bi. In her world, everyone in the house is fine and straight. We should be perfectly behaved in public and to not talk about your family to anyone. When I moved out, we started talking again and she accepted what she did to me. She cried and I accepted her apology and I’m glad I finally have a mother. Now my sister, we hated each other. She is the oldest, spoiled to the core while here’s me. Youngest and had to help my parents get money for bills by working. I guess she hated me because I exist. I don’t know why, I tried to be nice hell I even though she was so cool that I wanted to be like her even though she hit me and call me all the names in the book as well. As we got older and I was about to move out at age 18, we started to get on better terms. I felt like she finally accepted me but a part of me was too damaged by her actions that maybe she was only being nice to me to make herself feel better about the damage she caused. Up to this day, I still think that maybe my other side was right. We used to hang out when I moved out, I would consider being called “Friends” because I feel like telling her she’s my best friend would be too much for her. Just hanging out with her, even though she would show a monotone face, I would rarely see her smile. I liked that I made her smile. We don’t talk anymore sadly. I got tired her repeated abusive tactics. She’d go out of her way for you and make you feel special but only to bring you down and feel lower than garbage. I got tired of all the pain and the nights I spent crying over it. I’ve been grateful when I met you, I’m sorry I’m not good enough still. Our last conversation was about how I was going to try therapy for a second time, I texted that I wanted to better myself. She just can’t accept my mental problems and it didn’t help that she called me stupid for going just so I could get some attention. Told me if I was serious then I shouldn’t bother and instead stop “using training wheels on the bike” so to speak. I think there is where I snapped because I remember nothing of my actions but my security camera did. I saw myself immediately cry and try to claw my face while calling myself “Worthless” while trying to stop a panic attack from happening. I’m lucky I live with my fiancé because he somehow managed to help me calm down by taking the phone away, have water and some snacks nearby, and giving me my comfort plushie. I’m not surprised I don’t remember that night very well, I can only recall sitting in the dark and trying to find a way out because I felt trapped. My head hurts just thinking about it. The one who was manipulating, abusive, and also the one who caused majority of my trauma had the titles “Sister” and “Friend”. I hope she’s doing well. She’s a pharmacist technician so I hope she’s living somewhere nice where she can attend to her sports car as much as she wants. I hope she thinks of me in a good light.

My new family consists of my fiancé who is a programmer and he cooks me good food, my dog who is the sweetest golden retriever ever to exist and will forever be a lap dog, my cat who constantly looks like she’s frowning upon you but in actuality she is a toothless fluffy girl who loves cuddles, my dad who is healing and doing so much better in Florida and made good friends, and my mom who finally found her peace and is living with her very nice (and polite) boyfriend.

I used to have 3 friends when I was young but ended up cutting off the relationships because I felt like I was used as much as they must’ve felt by me because I hung around them to try and feel normal and see that life shouldn’t be that bad. Boy was I wrong. I saw one of my old friends at the movies and didn’t even want to look at me. I understand though, I wouldn’t want to look at me either.

I have new friends. We respect each other and we play a lot of games together (and some times hang out to eat and watch Steven universe!). They consist of 6 people, one of them is my fiancé because he met them from a friend. I’m happy I decided to put my walls down after a year passed of me not trusting anyone. Could you blame me though?

Wow looking at my life summerized like this looks depressing. I guess you can say I had an eventful life.

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To Myself: My mental health has been good but also bad for some days.

I honestly feel like I should start documenting my moods day by day here. I think it could help me with remembering what even happened since my memory is to shit. I’ll call it ‘Mental Day’ and make it a fun little project to myself.

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It’d be nice for some good ol’ bill paying 🤧

Reblog this and money will be entering your life this week