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melissa broder, milk fed

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Physical pain is so exhausting. And when coupled with the idea- no, the certainty- that everything is about to change around me... So many unknowns. So much to do. So little energy to do it all. It's shocking to realize that I actually have less resolve left than I thought. No matter how things turn out, for better or worse, that will be fine. If I thrive out there in some unlikely turn of events, then great. I'll write home to my dad with smugness and satisfaction. And if I die out there, then the world will go on, even as I don't, and I won't have to think or make choices or play the games that neurotypical people understand so easily. Jobs. Hobbies. Relationships. Friendships. Family. I'm so exhausted of all of it. Maybe this time, this trip, this rock bottom, I'll just let myself sink and that will be okay.

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😭

I hate that my self worth is tied so much to sex. Mix that with a most likely ace partner and I feel like shit for wanting them and it hurts so much to not be wanted the same way.

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A small victory today in putting myself first.

A letter to my ex who I stayed friends with who ended up draining me until I was wasting away. This was hard. I was not unkind, but firm and resolute. This year, I will protect myself and my energy and my heart.

"I'm not mad at you, you know. My heart breaks for what I've realized. I'm more distant now because I have realized how very one sided things are most times with us and always have been. I am too passive for all that, I won't stand up for myself. I know it's not out of malicious intent, but you're so focused on your own life, good and bad, that all of my life and feelings and wants and needs get swept aside. You only ask about me when you suddenly think to. You counter everything I say about my life with something about yours, and that's what gets talked about then. It's like when you're in a group of people and you try and say something and someone talks over you, and you repeat it but nobody listens to still. I realize I feel less lonely when I don't talk to you. I love you, but it's not in my best interest for me and my mental health to be so close to you. It just leaves me feeling walked all over and then I get resentful and angry, and I explode at some point and I don't wanna be that person or do that to you. I don't think you deserve bad things. But I can't shut myself up and put myself last to be the good thing in your life. You're very mature in some ways, but you lack a lot of perspective that you probably could've had by now if you were raised differently AND more importantly, if you stopped branding yourself as a victim of life. Life IS unfair, some for more than others. But your mentality that everything that happens is something happening to you specifically rather than just how the world works and happens around all of us has held you back. And for that, you've adopted a bit of a selfish and entitled mentality that was designed to keep you safe. But the threat is imaginary. Nobody and nothing is targeting you, not a single person alive is that important to the world. You also hate yourself so much and are so insecure that your constant need for praise over how good of a person you are, how sweet you are, how loyal, diminishes all those things. And it's a consequence of not truly believing those things about yourself to your core, so you consistently attempt to wring praise out of others at every opportunity and that comes across as self absorbed most times. It also overshadows what other people are going through or their successes when you can only talk of and think of your own experience, which cheapens your relationships with people by making it feel almost transactional. Like you're there to just trade victories and losses like some sort of validation contest, trading empty validation for empty validation and not truly caring about what each other are saying or going through besides on a surface level. The reason I have interacted more with others like [friends and husband] is because all three of them participate more actively in my life in a way that feels genuine without requiring anything of me. Sometimes, the entire convo is about my stuff. Sometimes theirs. Sometimes a mix. But when I talk to you I know I always will hear of your struggles and sometimes successes, it has never been just about me. But there have been times it was just about you, and I was fine with that because I care and was invested in your life in a deep way. But when I already have so many independent struggles that are honestly harsher and more grievous than your day to day, I don't have room to be handed over all your big emotional moments, good or bad. I just don't have the capacity for that duality. Almost no one does. So I've given my needs space and stopped trying so hard to earn care and attention from people who don't actively seek to give it to me, and it's been telling. When we do talk, I don't get the sense you want to talk to me. I get the sense you are lonely and want someone to listen. You want the type of attention I give you, the kind you get from someone who's really listening, even though typically to earn that you have to give it back sometimes too. I care about your life, but not nearly as much as my own. And that's been the kindest thing I have done for myself lately."

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ah yes. the classic "I can't sleep because it will be tomorrow in an instant and tomorrow requires things of me and I Simply Do Not Vibe With That". so I'll go through said tomorrow on 2 hours of sleep. very smart and once again no lessons will be learned

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Don't mind me, just crying rn lol 😅

A navigation of some adult relationships

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TOO ACCURATE

Could you draw fitz and regal?

regal was really funny for meeting a six year old and immediately declaring him his arch nemesis. and then he spends the next three books smoking weed and randomly killing people

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Just poking fun at NY Times Bestsellers. Traditionally published media can only do so much, it's not the authors' faults. Usually. Probably. Am I reading the book and enjoying the plot? Sure. Is there better out there? DEFINITELY. But some of these smut scenes have me in stitches 🤣 no hate, and I'm not shaming people who find the writing in these sexy.

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NEW COMMISSION SLOTS!

[reblogs are very appreciated 🥺❤️]

I open new commissions slots in my painting and my usual styles! I run extra discount 20% for many fandoms including interview with the vampire, our flag means death and other fandoms! (Just ask me!) If you’re interested in getting commission please dm me! You also can dm me for any questions! I would be so grateful for your support!

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Relevant and poignant

Mary Oliver, The Journey

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Started drawing portraits again, this is probably the best I've gotten with semi realistic so far in my life.

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I spent the last (at least) 4 hours on this bear poopin in the backrooms. I asked my partner to pick an animal, a color, and a number 1-5 with 1 being least serious and 5 being the most detail oriented. Then I asked my other partner and told him to choose an action and a place. The prompt I ended up with was "Purple grizzly bear shitting in the backrooms, moderately detailed." Knew I was in for a... Night 😅

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